I once advised a friend experiencing an acute melancholic attack to give in to journaling as a therapy. And although I, for one doesn’t have my own PC in hand at the moment for me to keep an on-line journal; I do it in the traditional way, by hand, and then let the world read it through posting it on my livejournal account. I find journaling a therapy, because for almost a month now, I had less people to talk to, especially at the dormitory where I am staying. Now at the time when I really needed friends to talk to about serious matters, and people who have y trust and confidence in them. Crying has never been easier in solitude. But I promised myself on my seventeenth birthday, never to cry again.

I thought I had the worst birthday of my life. But then, I was wrong. I am having the worst birthday in my life.

These past few months, I’ve been contemplating about life, as always. How things get worse every single day, how phenomenas turn out of control, how my life has been slowly deteriorating. I entered college life with high hopes, determined will and an inspired heart, knowing that this is the first stage of fulfilling all my dreams. But as months pass by, I know that I am being emptied out. In academics, I was a loser and my relationship with my boyfriend was a failure. I know that I’m crying every night, in bed and praying to God for help. But it seems that He wanted me to do it myself, with his supervision. I gave up my hope last semester, and I’m blaming only myself for it.

Now, this post is really about my relationship. Of how I tried to feel, but felt nothing. Of how I tried to understand but I know it’s pointless. This relationship is going nowhere. Not even being stagnant. It’s on the brink of slipping down, and we’re unaware of it. I need to do something about this relationship before it reaches it’s end. I have to do something.

I tried to think about my faults. Yes, I know. I’m just a neophyte when it comes to love relationships. He is my first boyfriend. This is the relationship that I have always been scared of taking the risk from the start. In the end, I did. But I guess, it’s not worth the risk.

Not that I regret my decision. I always stand by my decision. But, with the situation, there’s a thought in my head that says, “you shouldn’t have”. And had I known this is going to happen, of course I wouldn’t allow myself to be mistaken.

I have always known that things happen at the right time. And if God doesn’t give something to me, I know He will someday, according to His plans for me. I live by His plans, I ask Him through signs. And I know very well that this relationship is not for me, at least for NOW.

I know I have to do this. It pains me much but I know I have to do this. Things are complicated now. And if I won’t end it now, I know it would still end sooner.

November 7, 2007. 11/07/07. I am crying while I listen to his voice message. I do not know how to start. But he already knew. And I guess, on my seventeenth birthday, on the worst birthday I ever had, I received the BEST GIFT that I NEVER REALLY WANTED to have: MY FREEDOM.

Now I’m SEVENTEEN, SINGLE & AVAILABLE…and much much wiser.//