This is my story about  when I was a Battered  woman  and  survived..serious abuse. Where  my husband tried to kill  me  and the emotional abuse was so severe that I can still feel it to this day., and see it in my dreams. And no matter what I do in life I feel as if am nothing at all. I feel as if No one can really care for me or love me because I was told that. My main focus at  that  time  was just survival., and my kids survival..
But by the grace of God we all  are still here to tell what its like to live in a war zone some call home….!!

This is my story..

Sometimes it seems like a dream..                                                                                   

but it all happened..for in my dreams i can still hear my ex. husband yelling at me..saying..”your are dead bitch..!! I will kill you..!!  am going to kill you..!!! and no one can stop me..!! NO one..!!!

I  grew up in a loving home and in the churches. I never saw fighting of any kind. My father was kind and loving., and seemed always a gentle man. This was all I saw as a child. And I guess, this does not help us deal with life. For I thought Men was only to take care of us., and I never thought any fighting would ever happen.

As A child we mostly went to the “church  of God” this is a mix  Apostolic and Amish. It seemed to me. We was not to wear make up or pants. No T.V. or any worldly things.

We grew up a lot in the country in the hills and trees. I loved that country. My family was from the Ky. hills and West Va. Hills. Mom from Ky. and Dad from West Va. We all was a peacefull  people. But mom had been abused as a child. She saw her mom burn up in a fire and was put in a foster home and was raped and abused. So..She learned to be hard and  tough..!! My father never did..So..After a lot of years with mom. My gentle  Father quit coming home. He went to bars and  where ever he could find just so he did not have to go home., I was 10 years old then, so I remember it all as if it was yesterday.  Mom always said I was  like him To soft and kind and to trusting. She used to say.., I needed to harden up and get tough..!! and quit crying..! So..The world will not walk all over me…!! Mom ran me down a lot. and made me feel as if I could not do much right., I guess..because she had been run down a lot. It was what she head as a child. And  Dad says she did the same to him. She could not help it.  Sadly We are what we  grow up with..or what we learn. Unless we try hard not to be that way, But if we don’t know what we are doing..We are doomed to repeat it all..Once I read something about the war., “That if we forget  the  past we are  we are doomed to repeat it..!” But  knowing is half the battle..For if we know what causes us to act cold, mean or unkind and we want to be better then what we grew up in. We can make it so..For sometimes life can be what we make it..That’s why I wrote this back in 1993..To heal., and to know whats caused me to be me., and  I rewrote this in 2002, 2003 …because..everything time I wrote it I healed more and more. For writing is like telling a  friend., and sometimes its far better then  telling a person. For my pen does not laugh at me nor run me down.  I wrote 600 pages the first time…And asked God to heal it all. Then later I took out a lot of it and felt..less is better for others to read. Now its maybe 100 pages..or less..I hope that maybe my story could help others see  what is going on in their own life..and maybe It can heal and help others though my story..So..I wrote again and again.  Maybe someday I also hope this story will save a few life’s., just as books saved my life. Maybe they will make a movie about me and my kids..and I will leave my kids something besides a lifetime of nightmares. We all have those some days, we all like to dream… My dream as a child was to go to other country’s and help them and save other people. But this is the life I ended up having..it was not what I wanted …!!