We are all in this world together. We are all feeling the worldly devastations to most of our economies. Today I was humbled and brought outside my comfort zone in a way that was more bold than I had ever seen before. If I ever questioned Gods presence over me, this took all that away!

I own my own business. Have for about the last 12 years. I work side by side with both my husband, and my father. I have a history of pointing fingers at others for my failures but was very quickly reminded today that I am my own worst enemy.  Here is my confession.

Today, let me tell you, for some reason- I was having a breakdown. I am in a position today with my business that I am unsure if after 12 years, I will be around very much longer. For a very long time I have held anger towards my father for this place. To be brutally honest- hegot a DUI a few years back (one too many actually) and was sent to the sherriffs farm to work his community time. While there, he assisted in birthing goats on site. He was in the middle of his on seventh heaven. When he was done with that he decided he was gonna venture into agriculture for himself. My brother had some property so he put up a chicken coop there and that was all she wrote. Since then we have had pigs (both wild and domestic) , goats, horses of three sizes, chickens, ducks, geese and mini cows. All thanks to his experience at the farm.

When this all started I was trying to figure out my own place in this world. He saw that as though I needed rescuing and so he gave me a waterer and told me to build a business around it. Hence- My Double R Supply was born. But I have never had the reins on this place.  I followed his instruction to the tee for the last 12 years and never found my own voice. Never finished school. Never learned anything else. So if this place DOES fail- who will I be then? And that made me mad. I have harbored feelings of “I could have been something, I could have been someone”  as this was never my decision.

But you know what, yes it was. I can point fingers all I want to but I chose to stay here when my father asked me not to go to Florida State after being accepted the weekend I was to leave. I chose to take the job in his office when he didnt like the way my previous employer was treating me. I chose to go through insurance and series 7 schools. I chose to not continue with those licenses once completing those sessions. I chose to build the company- EVEN if he TOLD me to do it or not, I chose to obey him. These were all choices I made- no matter the reasons- no one elses.

Today I walked in to more of the same with this place. After 12 years, we are still struggling. But in a way that with the economic down spiral I am feeling so low in my faith. It is hard to walk into everything I did this morning, on top of ALL the compiling problems this place deals with, without it getting to me on an emotional level.

I turned in a direction today that I have NEVER turned before. I believe in  God. I use His words in my counseling of people when they come to me. I know what is said about me as His child. But when your the one going through something that you don’t seem to see anyway of getting your head above water EVER AGAIN, it is hard to look inward or even up. I emailed my churches secretary. She happens to be a customer of mine, so in doing so I was letting my customer know my problems and fears. That in my fathers eyes is a STRICT BUSINESS NO NO. You NEVER let anyone know your business when it comes to your business. But I had to. I was in tears all morning. I could’t compose myself. I don’t know how many trips to the bathroom I made to hide it from my customers and employees.  The secretary (actually she is the pastoral assistant) emailed me right away that she would add us to the prayer team and have a pastor call me so I can meet with him for prayer. He called me within minutes.  When he called me I couldnt stop crying either. I was a blubbering fool let me tell you.  He came on his way back to the church office after lunch. 

He read me scriptures on keeping enlightened and not feeling discouraged in these the tough times. Then he prayed with me, over me and for me. We talked a little bit about how in this sort of situation you can do one of two things  you can either use this to make yourself bitter, or better. And in these times you either can draw closer to God or farther away. I told him that in itself is why I reached out to them. I know this and I know this about myself- I always point fingers at everyone else. I place blame. I didn’t want to do that this time. I want to draw closer to God in this. I don’t want to damn Him for what I am going through. (yes I know but we are ALL works in progress right?)

I have said it before that your situations and pain may not even be about you. There is something to be learned in everything good or bad, that happens.  God works in mysterious ways, and for as quickly as that whole prayer request got moved through the channels I needed them to for myself to feel heard, is proof that I am to learn something. I am going to be ok.

It is hard not to be filled with fear at this time, but God knows what He is doing with me. So I will sit, and be patient for Him to do what He will, in His time with me.

 ” Judge not through your own understanding…………”