A little bit chilly via Wikipedia

Author had a troubled childhood.

His mother’s profession was in extreme escort services – a relatively new branch of interest for this particular and somewhat taboo occupation. She would be paid for coitus while her partner was performing extreme sports. Apparently there is nothing like the thrill of forming the two backed beast while jumping naked out of an airplane over the Swiss Alps.

She was paid highly for the services so Author was not wanting for anything – even though his mother had passed away several years ago. She died while copulating in a performance speed boat race – the driver had always wanted to have a “sixty-niner” while speeding down a perfectly flat crystal lake at over 400km/hr. He however underestimated his ability to keep control of the craft as his body temperature rose and the view from his cockpit was somewhat obscured by a gyrating buttock. He lost control and smashed into a recreational fishing vessel. The two were torn from the fiberglass structure and flung through the air, embraced firmly in fear and spinning somewhat gracefully before skimming across the lake surface and eventually coming to rest. Witnesses described the sight as simply incredible. One of the onlookers was an amateur poet and expressed his views in rhyme:

“Lovers bound in a death embrace

Fear not seen upon their face

Held together, her yin his yang

Her face still married to his wang

*

Spinning through the bright sunlight

Buttocks flashing white on white

Skimming across the icy lake

I counted six skips, maybe eight”

Interestingly, neither the crash nor the pounding across the surface lake killed them. From pure fear she had bit down hard and caused phallic detachment of her beau. The blood and splashing attracted a large and aggressive shark, and they were consumed before rescue boats could attend.

Author never knew his father, but apparently he was a useless drunk and drug addict. His father was meant to write Arthur on the birth certificate but was high as a kite and miss-spelt it Author. His mother had told Author that his father had died in an unfortunate fire cracker incident. He apparently placed three crackers in his butt in exchange for a joint. The crackers were however faulty and exploded blowing his bung hole apart – total rectum. He was too stupid to see a doctor and tried to repair the damage with a staple gun and soldering iron. He bled to death.