Much of the music of today is derivative of Chris’s early albums. After playing drums on most of the Beatles songs (after Ringo was “mysteriously” locked, repeatedly, in the toilet) and teaching a certain Eric Clapton how to play the guitar he was in all the most influential bands of the seventies. He invented Punk rock after he discovered Johnny Rotten singing in the back row of the St Winifreds school choir, suggesting a change of musical direction, the safety pin thing and gobbing. Disco, the New Romantics and Rave were all his idea, but not Stock, Aitken and Waterman. Garage is called that because that’s where he was when he invented it, Today’s kids were only half an hour away from dancing to Upstairs Toilet music.

His film career as both actor and director saw him win a total of six Oscars, Despite working exclusively in the Porn industry. His genre was of course the pornographic re-make. Who could forget classics such as “Mary Popouts” ,”The Sperminator” “Shaving Ryan’s Privates”? “Doing miss daisy” or The Hamshank redemption? Perhaps his most famous acting role was as “Luke Hugewanger” in “Star Whores”, although some prefer his ”Ben” in the epic “Ben Hurts” He later turned down the role of Rambo, describing it as “a bit pouffy”

Tiring of the Jet-set life he retired to the relative obscurity of science, he designed and test flew all the space shuttles, except the one that blew up, which he let his mum do “for a laugh”. He also probed the mysteries of space, discovering Pluto and another less well known planet – Goofy. It was he who was the inspiration for Steven Hawking’s “A Brief History of Time” although the rumour that it was Chris who put him in the wheelchair after a particularly heavy drinking session and game of “Dare” have never been substantiated. Moving into research chemistry, he again excelled, discovering DNA, and a cure for AIDS which he’s keeping to himself for now.

His sports career is unlikely to ever be equalled, in football he was capped for England a record 240 times, despite never playing for a league side because he “went shopping on Saturdays”. His cricket career for Yorkshire and England saw him take 5000 wickets and make 100,000 runs, wearing a Nike T-shirt and trainers because he didn’t look good in white. An international in basketball, hockey, swimming, rugby (league and union),skiing, tug-of-war and dwarf tossing (that’s throwing dwarfs by the way) he was BBC sports personality of the year ten years running. He also won the World Snooker Championship, when he wandered into the crucible Theatre whilst out shopping in Sheffield (on a Saturday).

Today he lives a simple life in his 565654 bedroom mansion (which is the only private dwelling that can be seen from space) in the posh part of Sheffield, a city which he now owns as well as being the Lord Mayor. Even his servants have servants. His parties are legend, lasting several weeks With nibbles flown in from Australia despite being available across the road, and debauchery that would make Caligula’s orgies look like Cliff Richard’s birthday bash. A turnstile was installed at the entrance to “ration” the number of women entering. His wardrobe consists only of fabrics that can be proved to come from endangered species and shoes that cost more than your house. A prolific writer, in the eighties and nineties he “ghost wrote” every Booker prize winning novel and the Harry Potter books. Since winning the Nobel prize for literature he writes much less – turning out perhaps two or three best sellers per year, giving him time for his other interests, Sheffield Wednesday, underwater falconry, classic cars and extreme German pornography.

Despite his intellect and his vast wealth he is STILL a better bloke than you, one of life’s gentlemen. Suave and sophisticated, debonair and handsome, calm, considerate and hung like a bull elephant.