I never expected that phone call back in June of 2007. It was a call that was to change my life forever.I had felt a lump in my right breast,but being young and relatively healthy,my doctor dismissed it as probably being some type of cyst.Not wanting to ignore it,I went and saw my gynocologist and her reaction was pretty much the same,only she wanted a biopsy done as a precaution.However,when all was said and done, I received that phone call.I was 38 and had breast cancer.

My treatment plan was lengthy.A mastectomy and 18 months of chemotherapy:.sickness,hair loss,and side effects that I wasn’t prepared for.And then one day I was done. It was over.I had prescriptions to fill,but I could go home and not come back to this infusion center.I was lost.I didn’t know what to do or where to turn.Here I was supposedly healed with a body that was foreign to me.I was expected to be grateful for my health;that I had survived.But all I felt was a sadness.I didn’t know what to do or where to go for help and support. I wondered if other women felt this same way.Most of the support groups were for women who were in active treatment.However, I was done. 

I found that I was angry. I wanted my life back,but here was something completely different. I wasn’t the same and yet I was expected to have the same outlook that I had before. I was still longing for an afternoon nap. I was tired, and my body felt as if it had been hit by a truck.I was put on an anti-depressant (to help with the hot flashes) yet I almost never felt happy.It was more than depression. It was a darkness in my heart. I wasn’t feeling bad for myself,knowing that truly there were others going through worse than I,but I was lacking an acceptance.

I wanted to love myself again. I wanted to feel my husbands arms around me,and know he wasn’t thinking about the scars that were left by my cancer. I despised the fact that I had lost my breast.I hated the implant that had taken its place.And I wondered if other women out there felt the same way. Usually,when I came across discussions on breast cancer,and furthermore, reconstruction,the women seemed satisfied. They liked their new bodies. They displayed them in low cut t-shirts and bathing suits. Why did I feel the need to hide?

So,I need a place to vent my feelings. I wanted to let other women out there know that just because the treatment s may be over,there will be lasting effects that may need to be addresses. I don’t feel like wearing a pink ribbon yet. I don’t want to walk in support of anything. I need more time to heal. I need more understanding in my plight to begin to feel like myself again. I’ll get there I’m sure,but it will take time. I have this time now,to heal.And as women we must understand the complexity of our feelings,and allow ourselves to have, and accept these feelings as being valid. It’s alright to be angry. And if this had given one other woman the strength to allow herself to be angry,then I have done my job. Cancer is no walk in the park. It will change your life forever. It’s how we handle these changes that will be our lesson learned. So,as we travel this path thats been forced upon us,allow yourself to feel,no matter what the emotion.Stay strong and accept any help or support that may be offered to you.And more importantly,remember,you are not alone.