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Some years ago when I was a bright eyed and enthusiastic technician, I received my first mobile phone due to my job requirements – an analogue plastic brick that weighed more than my head. I was fairly impressed with the device even though it required three truck batteries to operate and made my ears bleed from the radiation. I didn’t mind the boiling of my brain so much, as I was ever hopeful that it would cause some kind of super-power mutation – give me the powers of telekinesis or mind reading. All I think it did however was destroy my short term memory. All I think it did however was destroy my short term memory.

Eventually there came a time where it was neared the end of its useful life. The battery would hold its charge for about 5 microseconds, and it was only held together by snot and six miles of duct tape. I pleaded with my boss for several months that I needed a new one and eventually he relented. I later found out that he actually said I could have a new one when I first asked – I just didn’t hear it on account of my hearing loss due to the afore mentioned radiation.

The new one was a little digital wonder with at least 1 million features that would all be incredibly useful – if I could remember how to use them. I spent hours finding the perfect ring tone and adding people to my contact list – adding anybody I even remotely knew and even some that were taken randomly from the phone book. I added the word SUPER-XMAN to the home screen in the hopes that this new wonder would indeed give me mutant super powers. It was just simply amazing – I had never seen anything so beautiful.

Eventually it came time to go out to my next site visit and as was customary I would visit the latrine before leaving the office as the availability of facilities on the road where variable. So I ducked into the toilet and took the first stall that didn’t contain an unflushable monster turd from hell. For this visit I was in for the long haul, so I spent my time pondering hypotheticals of great import – such as: