My sister’s life draws to a close. I am saddened to have lost her so early, but ever so thankful to have had her in my life.

We would hide behind the worn brown couch and pull our shirts just up over our little belly buttons. Both innies. Being kids, our belly buttons seemed to be magnets for all sorts of mysterious things, and we would clean them out with cries of ‘yew!’ We shared most everything and I always considered that our relationship must be like that of twins. When I was eight, we took off on our single speed bikes and traveled to the famous L.L.Bean store, over eighteen miles away. When we had asked our loving mother for permission, I’m sure she said yes thinking we wouldn’t go further than a city block or two. No, Monica and I were in it for the long haul.

Now I am with her in her final hours. Just the two of us as our parents had both died just a few years prior. Her body ravaged by a cancer so astounding that the oncologist said he had never seen anything so aggressive. She had a complete immune system, as I had donated a double dose of bone marrow just a couple months prior to this horrid day. Just that dammed cancer wouldn’t yield for any chemo agent. When she was first diagnosed I was volunteering as a pharmacist at a local non-profit hospital. I would stand at the specially ventilated hood and prepare her chemotherapy. When finished, I would sign out, go to the room next door and hold her as the painful medication was delivered. Silently I would cry, behind her, out of sight. I would tell her to focus on the future when we would look back on this time and say, “Boy, didn’t that suck!”

Now I hold the remnants of Monica. Her labored breathing, slowing with each tick of the clock. For twelve hours I stayed there, just Monica and I. I read to her. Told her about her two little girls, how beautiful they were. Talked to her like I always had. There would be times when I’d leave for short times and burst into tears, sliding down against the sterile while wall and sobbing like a newborn baby on the cold tiled floor. With tremendous effort, I would compose myself and return to my sister.

Toward evening, I pushed some of the plastic tubing aside and made room on the medical bed so I may lay with her.  With my arm over her bony shoulders, I would tell her stories from better days. Stories of days yet to come. Happy days. She was much too weak to be able to open her eyes, or squeeze my fingers: those days were gone. Those days of climbing mountains, riding bikes, venturing through Baxter Woods as little kids, or enjoying some cake, all those days were gone. We were now into the final hours. The nurses and doctors all stayed out of the room in respect, they had seen this sad scenario all too often.

The last hour was extremely tough. There were many times when she would miss a breath and I’d think that was it. I slid down the bed against the coarse blanket so I could hold her better. I whispered into her ear how much I loved her. How better things waited for her. How it was fine to stop fighting. I knew it. I just knew. That final breathe. She opened her eyes for the first time in days and seemed to be looking right at me.  I’m told it is a reflex of the body, but seeing it first hand, it truly felt like she saw me. The eyes. I didn’t need to look at any screeching machine, her eyes told me she had passed on. Life had departed. I held her tightly and screamed out her name. 

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Comments (45)
  • stryka66 on Nov 26, 2009

    I’m deeply moved & grateful that you felt able to share these very personal moments with us…assuring you of my prayers !

  • Bo Jack Russo on Nov 26, 2009

    I’m sure you made her as comfortable as you could, you just made my cry Clay.

  • Christopher DeRoche on Nov 26, 2009

    oh clay! beautifully written. This piece touched my heart! Content is sad. Writing style is concise and tight. Thank you for sharing this!

    Chris

  • Ramalingam on Nov 26, 2009

    I feel extremely sorry;you have given a graphic account of what happened to your sister, her sufferings of cancer.Really it must have been a grueling experience.

  • Themax on Nov 26, 2009

    clay, brother you made me crying,I can’t express my feelings of tears that I am felling inside me with my words!,
    You know clay little memories become bigger when someone missed from our life! and your memories,your love, your moments and your care all said everything today!
    Thank you for sharing those beautiful moments and memories with us! God bless you friend!

  • Francois Hagnere on Nov 26, 2009

    I am sure, my friend, your dear sister now rests in peace. You did your best, and she knows this. Please know you have my support and good thoughts are with you.
    Stay blessed Clay.

  • Darla Smith on Nov 26, 2009

    This is so very touching and emotional. It has left me crying.

  • Glynis Smy on Nov 26, 2009

    An emotional, moving insight to the strong bond and love you had with your sister. I am so sorry you lost her.

  • BullwinkleMuse on Nov 26, 2009

    May you continue to draw strength through the memories you made with her, and the knowledge that those same memories keep her spirit alive in you, my friend.

  • spiritwalker on Nov 26, 2009

    I applaud your courage and i admire your love for her. I held my mother through the last moments and I know that they hear you. They do. I was with my father as well. They seem to be at peace when you are there next to them…telling them that it is ok to go. You should take comfort in this. Your love and words give them the strength to let go. Much love to you.

  • Shirley on Nov 26, 2009

    Thanks for sharing this very personal experience.

  • BradONeill on Nov 26, 2009

    I am deeply saddend for your loss and deeply grateful for your willingness to share what it means to be a brother. Your sister is lucky to have had such a great man to be with her through this. God Bless you.

  • Katien on Nov 26, 2009

    I am so sorry for your loss. It must have been a great comfort for her to have you with her, and as Bullwinkle said, those memories will keep her spirit with you always.

  • James DeVere on Nov 26, 2009

    That’s sad. I’m really shaken. I hope you find the strength to carry on but take heart, bud, this was your best written work.

    j

  • CHAN LEE PENG on Nov 26, 2009

    I was deeply moving while reading this article but I felt sorry on your sister’s behalf. She was really strong to fight with disease too!

  • AlmaG on Nov 26, 2009

    I give all my prayers to her though I know she’s in heaven now :)

  • Ruby Hawk on Nov 26, 2009

    Oh, Clay I’m so sorry you lost your sister. There is nothing more horrible than hearing that last breath and seeing the eyes of a loved one at death. You can take comfort that you were with her to the end. You were lucky to have each other.

  • B Nelson on Nov 26, 2009

    wow, a tremendously powerful tale of watching a loved one pass on. Go in Peace Monica.

  • Teves on Nov 27, 2009

    Very interesting…Thanks!

  • Jane Jane on Nov 27, 2009

    your sister is just so pretty. heartfelt.

  • MMV Abad on Nov 27, 2009

    My mom died last January. And I can really sympathize with you. But, they are in heaven now. No more pains. This is a wonderful tribute for her, Clay.

  • lillyrose on Nov 27, 2009

    Clay, you are a remarkable man, to have been through what you have been through. You sister will have undoubtable been very proud to call you her brother and you are right, all her pain has gone now and you must look after yourself and hang on to those beautiful memories. All my love to you Clay.xxxx

  • Marie Hibl on Nov 27, 2009

    I am so sorry for your loss, being there for your sister I know gave her comfort and she left with all your love with her…. I am a friend of Jamie\’s . Reading your words told the story of the love you have for your sister… very special..

    Hugs, Marie

  • Kate Smedley on Nov 27, 2009

    This is a painful and raw write, you are so brave Clay, friend ….. I know what it means to live without your sibling when it’s just the two of you….you’ve brought tears to my eyes. Hold on to the memories, she’ll never leave you. xxx

  • PR Mace on Nov 27, 2009

    I am so glad you were with her. Thank you for sharing your emotions with us. You will be in my prayers and may you be blessed and have comfort. The next days and weeks will be long and hard but you can get through them. I have been in that dark place of loss and it does one day get brighter.

    Love you baby, Pam

  • giftarist on Nov 28, 2009

    Poignant, and this really made me cry..

  • Atanacio on Nov 28, 2009

    a very good write :)

  • deep blue on Nov 28, 2009

    We all should reach our time one way or the other. She just had her turn earlier than expected. The Supreme Being knows the best for us. Thanks for sharing, Clay.

  • C Jordan on Nov 29, 2009

    It must be very comforting to know, that when your time comes, there is somebody there with you who loves you.
    Very moving Clay.

  • vb545323 on Dec 8, 2009

    Well Written! =)

  • drelayaraja on Dec 8, 2009

    Nice one.. ^_^

  • Francy on Dec 9, 2009

    Good one.
    keep it up.

  • T.Rex McGoogle on Dec 10, 2009

    Very moving story. Losing your sister that way is as
    bad as life can get. I lost my sister 2 months ago. I can relate very well.

  • Authoress Terry E. Lyle on Dec 11, 2009

    This was really sad story to read …this gave me flashes of my own painful memories because I lost my sister also from a brain tumor and she was only 5years old, I’m sorry for your lost and thanks for sharing such a difficult time.

  • AC Hamilton III on Jan 1, 2010

    Clay, that was an awe-inspiring tribute. It is such a parallel to the story of my sister and I. I was her donor too. I know the feeling so deeply. It all came alive to me again as I read your nice, soul-stirring, and authentically emotional piece. A gorgeous work she is smiling proudly about. Thanks for this rich piece of love and devotion. The world needs more.

  • pablina on Jan 2, 2010

    I can relate to this as I am sur many people can. :) Great emotional piece. :)

  • thuanynguyen on Jan 4, 2010

    Great one! well written :)

  • diamondpoet on Jan 4, 2010

    Very emotional piece, you are very talented.

  • qasimdharamsy on Jan 6, 2010

    Nice piece…thanks for sharing….

  • fashion girl on Jan 7, 2010

    very emotionally written and full of deep thought…

  • FOREVER POETRY on Jan 7, 2010

    I ALWAYS WISH I WILL NEVER HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT SITUATION, BUT I KNOW MY TIME WILL COME. I ONLY HOPE THAT I CAN HANDLE IT WITH THE STRENGTH YOU DESCRIBE IN THIS PIECE. THANKS.

  • amilia snow on Jan 11, 2010

    Heartfelt, Clay. Broke my heart reading it.
    May your sister rest in peace, for she is in a better place now.
    And I’m sure she’s very proud to have you as a brother.
    Take care.

  • tonywriter on Jan 13, 2010

    very nice story Thanx!

  • Dee Gold on Jan 18, 2010

    I am teary eyed.I remembered died 10 years ago.

  • diamondpoet on Jan 28, 2010

    Sad story, so sorry, yes I believe that she is at peace,
    God bless. Thanks for sharing.

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