Instead, we have nothing.

We were denied the privilege to choose her casket, to choose a pretty dress or special necklace to bury her in.  Instead, a dirty dress, a ripped underslip, and a broken necklace were thrust into our hands to have to deliver to a funeral director and say, “These were what we were given to bury her in.”  And the amazing part is, if we had not put up a battle, she would have been buried without even those courtesies.  She would have been laid to rest naked in a closed casket.

But why should she have been shown the courtesy of a burial with respect?  She was denied living with respect and dignity her last years.  Instead, she was paraded around like a spectacle so all the people who saw him could say what a saint he was taking care of the crazy woman.  Poor him. 

What about not using her money on your own selfish interests and instead placing her in a decent home where she could have received proper care and medicine?  What about putting her in a decent home where her children could visit her?  What about putting her in a decent home where she would not have died in a filthy bed in a filthy bedroom in a house that reeked?  What about letting her receive her medications properly instead of using a pair of pliers to crush a bunch of pills, mixing them in yogurt, and hoping that she got the right dosages of things that were essential? 

No, she didn’t deserve that respect.  Instead, parade her around like your own human sympathy producer so that people could make fun of her at her funeral.  Who would make fun of a person with some sort of an illness?  Is not dementia an illness just like cancer?  Who would go to a funeral and make fun of someone’s baldness from cancer treatments?  Hopefully no one, but I do know people who openly poked fun at my mom for comments she made at church due to her dementia.  Are you kidding me?  But these are the same people who also commented that they thought they would go crazy if they had to see any of us children or grandchildren crying anymore.  Hello, we just buried our mom/grandma!

So, how would you like to have nothing?  I hate it.  But the bigger problem is that I actually do have some things.  I have years of painful memories since she married him that cloud all the wonderful years I had with mom before all of this..  I have guilt from not realizing she was actually telling us the truth about her situation and thinking she was just talking out of craziness.  I have a broken heart from knowing there will never be an opportunity to rescue her from her situation. 

As for having nothing, I understand her statement now.  When it comes to having a Pollyanna mentality where everything can be seen positively, I have nothing.  When it comes to having belief in all people, I have nothing.  When it comes to having wonderful memories, I have nothing.  When it comes to trying to heal from the loss of Mom on so many levels, I have nothing.

Do I have hope that one day those things will return?  To be honest, I have nothing.