In my solitude, so far from home and family and the security that once implied, I tease these words from the deepest reaches of my mind. I play with them tenderly, freely flowing and diligently watching the clock tick away. How long have I been here? It’s only been a couple months, but it feels like eternity. My blood runs thick with the friends and fools I once loved to entertain, and I can feel it boiling over. It seems once again my only solace is the pipe. The subtle, burning vibrations, the peace and love found time and again in the sacred herb. But no matter how high I get, I just can’t feel compassion for them. I felt betrayed when they lost the hope of a higher sense, a greater rhythm to life. It made me cold and detached and self-serving, and I’ve never wanted to be like this.

     I can recall clearly days spent in youth, honest and innocent days when I would sit and study and quietly open myself to the motions of the world. I was tired and lonely, but I was alive, and I miss that clarity something awful. This lifestyle is bleeding me like a caged pig and I don’t know how to stop it anymore. I longed to be at the whim of the stars and the wind and the cosmic resonance all around me, but now that I’m in the thick of this fight, I have my doubts. There’s just so much seriousness in the the world today, so much oppressive regulation that the humble dreamer has no place to invent himself. We who came to this lifestyle in the thralls of innocence are struck particularly hard by this realization, and most of us don’t last long enough to become much of anything. Those that do, the rare soul who intentionally discards the paths of utility and duty, share the fate of those eager souls of yesteryear. They are pressed and pulled to the utter edge, and while what they accomplish is great, what they lose will always be greater. Because what we aim for is authenticity, and nothing brings our true character to light like loss, and it is loss that validates our experiences. The choice is not an easy one to make, and so often we make it without consideration. We just dance here and there in the void, and maybe that’s all it’s ever really been.

    Just a mad dance till oblivion, the destiny we all silently share.