I stood there and waited, the fluttering in my chest like a cross between a caged humming bird and a construction worker with a jack hammer. The book I had been reading, until I could not keep my eyes focused on the words, was clutched in my sweating palms as I stood against a pillar.

Breathing heavily I went out side and took out a cigarette, breathing deep on the acrid smoke as if I was up against the wall, firing squad cocking back there hammer. The analogy swirled in my head as I desperately sought for the right words to greet a loved one back, as they returned to there home on foreign soil.  ‘ Life was easier when I saw myself as a whole,’ I thought, taking another vicious drag, ‘ before I was part of a pair, I once would have laughed at anyone that did what I’m about to do.

The cigarette did little to calm me, I should have expected as much form a stimulant, but at the time I had more pressing issues weighing on my mind.

“When did I develop into this ridiculous devil may care cliché,” I muttered as I stamped out the dog end, leaving a small black mark on the chewing gum spotted ground, “I was once the nihilistic, Übermensch of and asshole that I truly believed every man wanted to be.”

Of coarse, like most question asked to ones self, I knew the answer and didn’t want to admit it. I remembered that me and my brother used to play spies as kids, he would always be some James bond esque super spy and I always wanted to be the villain, with all the money, power and the henchmen. I used to think this was because of some horrible defect in my personality, but recently I’ve rethought why. Never did I wish to kill and maim the world, not once did I truly wanted supreme power. No what I respected was the devotion and free will these men possessed.

Bond always had the girls, but they were always using each other, the girl with the villain would, and often did, die for him. Bond took his orders form M, working for queen and country to eliminate threats to a crown which he did not possess. The villain on the other hand, he always fought for an ideal, an ideal he had convinced an army, be it through money, charisma or both, that they where will to die for him. Bond was always calm and collected, but the villain was often as calm and tried to never dirty his own hands. In twenty-twenty hind sight, I wanted people to be as in awe of me as they were of these men, and although they never one, I suspected this was because it would not make a good movie if you killed the hero.

I guess in the end this is not only the original attraction to Claire, but also the reason I was waiting in an airport at half six for a flight that landed thirty minutes ago, waiting as she undoubtedly fumbled with her bags and tried to get through security with out been subjugated to a “random search”. She wasn’t the kind of woman that would love me for who I was unless I put a bit of effort into being me, I loved that about her. If I was the type of guy that lay about and offered lip service complements to her, she would be gone like a shot. Every time the three words I longed to hear passed her lips, I felted I’d earned it, like I it was deserved and I was worth the emotional investment.

As a familiar figure walked through the clinical looking doors of the arrivals lounge, I opened my arms and smiled my, unfortunately lopsided, smile. I waited for the return of the only person I knew I would have to win over to return to a place I’d meant her to stay for a long time to come. ‘ Return to my arms,’ I thought as she came towards me ‘ back to a place you know you want to be.’