Carol turned herself inside out telling me her story. She has Schizophrenia. She declines a photo not because of how she feels about herself and her journey but because despite all our intellectual chats and reading of books we still are frightened by illnesses of the mind. Carol is 40 and is living an independent life and working part time. “I am not ashamed of want I am but I have a part time job and I know if people knew of  my past I would be dealt with differently – I may well be out of a job .” “It is also for my mothers sake – she is too old to have to keep explaining my life to people” .However in our modern liberated world of 2009 the label of mental illness is a source of unease enforced upon her by society. We talk openly of sexual diseases, cancer of our most intimate areas, snorting hard drugs off toilet seats and applaud those who recover.  There does not seem to be the same applause for those who have suffered and are recovering from mental illness. Once labelled with a mental disorder it sticks no matter how well you are. In your insurance claim, in applying for jobs, your relationships with your peers and finally and most importantly in your own self esteem. Having suffered from depression and two intense and horrific periods of post natal depression myself I still find that old label stitched tightly into my own psyche at times of stress or pressure. No amount of clawing at my back will remove that tiny sharp tag. I wanted to find out how it is for people who had been caught in the ”revolving door” of psychiatric care in Ireland in the last 20 years and came upon Carol.  Being Schizophrenic Carols’ label is even bigger than mine in people’s minds. “People don’t see you as a person” she states.

Carol has been in the psychiatric system from the age of 19 to 30. Countless hospital admissions and combinations of heavy drugs followed her for those years. Now living in her own space with work, friends, hobbies and a social life she reflects on the journey. Born in a farming background Carol was a withdrawn girl who found primary school difficult. “The normal bullying in school affected me more and dented my already weak sense of self esteem – the schizophrenia would have happened anyway but the bullying did not help”. Unsuited to school she completed her leaving Cert but remembers her time in secondary as “difficult and hard to cope “as she had trouble concentrating because of “constant strange thoughts”. On finishing school she took a summer job working with the mentally retarded in the UK .It was a stressful experience and eventually it became too much .She began to think she was Jesus and spent her time intently looking for her disciples “It seemed so real to me at the time” she recalls “my mind was racing ahead of me and I was very disturbed – I felt myself change” These feelings are early hallmarks of Schizophrenia.