I hadn’t slept for 4 days. I had been on very minimal water, and very minimal food. I had been wrongly prescribed mania-inducing anti-depressants and I wanted to test myself and the limits of what is possible.

Throughout history there have been stories of people doing amazing things. I knew it was possible to do some of these things. And the sleep deprivation gave me a confidence that was unassailable. I smelt my food for dinner. I thought about drinking and the refreshment that I gathered from it instead of drinking. I had periods of languid relaxation instead of sleeping.

But then I decided to drive. I drove normally for a while. I stayed at the speed limit. Then things started to change. I decided that driving was too boring and I shouldn’t have to stick to the rules. I was testing the limits, people would understand later. So I started to drive faster, and with every rule I broke my heart rate increased and it became less possible to slow down. I began to ignore red lights if I thought I could go through without hitting anything or anyone. I closed my eyes going around a corner so I could better handle the steering and feel my way around it. I was right on the edge of losing control of the car at that point.

And then another car came up in my view, it was at a small roundabout and as I approached it at high speed I realized there was no way I could slow down in time or avoid it in any way. I closed my eyes.

I screamed at the next person who came into my view. He was trying to help me to tell me to turn off my engine. I did not realize it was still running. There was gasoline leaking out of my car. I walked with my eyes closed over to some grass and lay down spreadeagled. I waited for the sirens to get closer

I truly regret that night. And the stay in the hospital that I had afterwards helped me to understand that there are certain limits that shouldn’t be crossed. I am very lucky to be alive and I’m lucky that the people in the other car were not hurt. I had what was called first episode psychosis.

I’m not sure of the responses I will get from this, some of you will hate me for it, but be gentle please, because I’m not bipolar yet and don’t plan to be.