Don’t you love it when someone else tells you that you are doing something wrong as soon as they discover that your parenting approach is different from theirs? It’s a real boost to the ego and self-esteem when it comes from your parent. It might be something along the lines of declarations that you are spoiling the children, too lax of a disciplinarian, or even encouraging gender confusion. (Apparently dressing a 2 month old infant boy as a girl for his first Halloween is supposed to scar them psychologically for life, who knew?)

     I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t have moments when I thought that Mom had a good point when she said that I was taking the wrong approach on something. If it wasn’t for her advice and help, I wouldn’t be able to cook even if it was to save my life. And there are times where she has some really good points and suggestions when it comes to the kids. (2 tablespoons of corn syrup in a 8 ounce bottle of formula works wonders for constipation in a baby!) When she starts on the rants about how I am raising these kids wrong because she disagrees with how we are disciplining them or that the toddler boy likes to play with dolls, I’ve got to admit I get angry.

     It’s tricky to navigate those conversations, as anyone who has had them from either end knows. How do you clearly state your position with out having the other person feel as though you are attacking them? One of the things that my Mom and I do is to just stop talking about the matter. She strongly disagrees with my choice in baby sitters on the basis of her fears as to how responsible they’ll be. When her disagreement is based in a dramatically limited amount of information about the situation, I feel torn between providing more information and just arguing with her. I choose, however, to state that I disagree and let the matter rest as it is.  On one hand, she rather hates that because she feels that I’m being defiant. At the same time, she realizes that effort to press her argument is going to result in the phone being hung up.

    Making things a matter that are not to be discussed can work in your favor but it can also be a source of additional difficulty. The matter of discipline is the point that is one of real contention between Mom and I. My parents believe strongly in corporal punishment as a primary mode of discipline. My husband and I believe just as strongly that corporal punishment should be a last resort and used as a primary mode of discipline for only extreme circumstances. (Like when a child decides to run out into traffic just for the fun of it.) In choosing not to even consider the matter for discussion, it has become the 800 pound gorilla sitting in the middle of the room. We all know it is there but we’re not going to point it out for fear of things turning ugly.

     Avoidance and agreeing to disagree have a lot in common. It is difficult, at times, to tell which one is what you are doing. Avoidance, however, has a particularly nasty habit of festering and will at some point in time demand attention. Tacit disagreement is just a sane and rational response when each person believes the other has an irrational position.