Tyche – some say it’s a weird name, a few acquaintances see a weird personality, but do they really know me?

                        Nobody else but myself knows me more than anyone else in the world, true for some. Although there are certain individuals who couldn’t even figure out their likes and dislikes, I’m confident I know myself. Not knowing yourself would be tragic – for me, it’s like wandering over the Earth’s surface with no purpose or goal at all. It would be like a puppet controlled by strings or robot working by its installed program. This is why for decades I’ve tried to become a person who doesn’t just know the people around her – but instead, a person who definitely knows herself. Yes, I’ve experienced identity crisis or role confusions, not with the sex or gender roles though, but in one way or another, I’ve experienced the stage of getting confused as to who I am and as to what I want – not knowing where I’ll go and what I’d do.

                        Never in my life have I been able to foretell my fate. Never in my life have I played with destiny. There were no lotteries in my life – and one thing is certain – my choices became my fate.

                        My life has never been purely fun. It’s like a movie but it isn’t pure drama. It’s a sequel with the best cinematography with the best actors and actresses. It’s an all-in-one movie. It’s action-packed, romantic, comedic, horrifying and probably tragic. No one knows for sure. Life’s complications have no expectations or anticipations. There are no exact explanations and solutions to life’s formula. And after nineteen good long years of wandering here in the world, I know I’m still not halfway through.

                        I’m not really the best explainer of everything, I’m not even a best student in school, nor am I the best child my parents could have but I try to be one. In my case, I’ve learned this habit of mine of not regretting anything I’ve done. After six years, I guess I’ve mastered that. Whatever the outcome of my every action, I hope for the best and yet expect the worse. I keep that in mind. There’s nothing permanent in the world, well, that’s what’s constant here. And although influences come in different shapes and sizes or names and faces or dates and years, I know I’m not easily to be influenced. I try to base things upon my perception of what’s to be done and what should be done. I mean, what’s the purpose of having a set of principles if you don’t even live by them. There may be times in which I tend to give way on matters that are against my principles but most of the time, it’s an experiment. I failed countless times and I don’t regret it. I’ve done silly things and I don’t regret those either. I’ve even created turmoil to my self and yet it’s part of growing up. There may be times too that I get to be childish but I couldn’t blame myself for that. My years of being a kid were the best years of my life – nothing to worry and problem-free. High school was tough but everything I experienced has made me this tough person I am now. I was a weakling during my primary and secondary years, I was bullied around. It made me discover things way beyond expected. I was only very young when I realized I had social problems. That got me into reading different psychology books on behavior and disorders. I always get this wide smile on my face whenever I remember I had my first library card for the Toledo Public Library and wasn’t able to return a couple of books. I realized that when you keep on projecting to people you’re a weakling; they’ll tend to get on with what they want with you. Showing they can’t influence you creates this barrier of between these people who are prone to hurting you. I’m not paranoid, that’s just that. Life’s easy if you see it that way. Life’s hard if you see it that way. But seeing these two sides from afar, you’ll realize life is wonderful in its naturalness. It’s unfair but fair at the same time. It’s positive and negative all at once. See, we still have a lot to learn about life.

            It’s funny how I get to reflect on myself a lot. I even have this normal routine of talking to myself with regards to my problems. I may sound absurd but it’s my own therapy. I get to clear myself and I get to put off grudges against people (sometimes) LOL.

                        Honestly, I have to get myself evaluated by a psychologist to have my personality determined. I don’t have multiple personalities but I sense that in one way or another, I have some traits and characteristics that might belong to a particular personality and another that would fit me to the other. Whew, it’s quite a large job to be done. Assessing me to determine which personality I have is something I think I couldn’t do without bias. According to the windows of personality, we have the spot about us that I privately know, there’s this other one that states only the people around me see, there’s this spot where the people around me see that I know of and there’s this last window that nobody knows. The concepts of Psychology are even complicated, how much more my personality. I guess upon reading the first few paragraphs of this paper, you’ve definitely assessed a few things about me.

                        Although my college life has triggered the extrovert part of my personality, I still see myself as an introvert. I mean, I have been hanging out with a couple of acquaintances, I see them and get to shake their hands often but that’s that. It’s a manner of acknowledging the person’s presence by greeting but honestly, I never liked being with a lot of people. I even enjoy solitude; maybe I’d be a hermit perhaps. But that would be weird.

                        With a lot of people I’ve started talking to and started to hang out with. I try to make a connection and I expect to have a mutual response of respect for personalities. There are times that I meet people whose personalities are as stubborn as their heads, but I have no plans of keeping up. I hate being made into somebody I’m not. I’m hate being forced to do something I don’t usually do. I’m considerate but it’s on the person as to how they limit their demands. In this semester, I’ve met this manipulative, neurotic person who tries to please everyone and yet tries to destroy anyone. I told her she has a fixation, but defends herself aggressively and thinks I was stupid to have commented on her like that. I never comment on people unless I’m comfortable. I understand that she doesn’t want to be called like that. But her being close-minded just isn’t something I appreciate from people. Her life’s full of perfection and yet it lacks a lot of basis and proof. I even see paranoia in her that whenever a group laughs and chuckles and looks at her, she thinks she’s the one being talked about. I want her to eliminate that kind of attitude but she gives it a different meaning and tells me “ing-ani man jud ko”. So, I have no choice but to remove her from my acquaintances. I keep this connection with everyone I meet but a connection with her would be impossible. I know you’re wondering why I’m writing this down in this paper, but because this paper is about me, I decided to make this as a journal – a diary of some kind where I’d write down a few of the very things that I’ve experienced just this semester.

                        You’ve probably guessed by now as to what kind of personality I have, but I still haven’t figured it out yet. It’s hard. But let me try it. I think I’m a sensing type. Want to know why? I tend to sense whatever is happening around me. I try to look and listen at the same time. And whenever I try to open my mouth, everyone’s reactions would be kept in my head. Some may think I don’t listen but I just don’t look straight to a person’s eyes. Although I’ve overcome my fear with crowds, my fear of looking straight to the eye still lingers until now. I never liked going to the market or the church because I don’t like to be around people, I don’t like being around the city when there are big events because I feel like being so little and suffocated. I don’t know why, that’s one of the things I haven’t figured out by now. I’m also the judging type and the thinking type all at once because I base tings on facts before I decide. In cases, it’s inevitable for me to actually judge. There are times I base things on my intuition then decide, most cases are decisions that have to be done in an instant. I don’t easily judge but I judge – may it be a scenario or a person or a thing.

                        Ten years from now, I still haven’t changed my goals. My personal task is my daily task – living with wisdom. Wisdom isn’t easily acquired but practicing you have one would be something I hope would help me get through life’s difficulties. I’m aware I still haven’t mastered the art of being wise. But my personal goal isn’t easy. I dream to be a street wise and a book wise – the two things that would really make me somebody I expect myself to be in the near future. But of course this is the façade of life, reality says I have to be practical and that’s just being able to find the security of a job, a structure and foundation of a home, and a good bank account. Basically, my future is a dream to fulfill and a choice to make.