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I had my third son over a year ago and about 6 months prior to having him I moved 5 hours away from my family with my hubby and I lost my granny who had spent alot of time in my life and was a huge part of it to pneumonia all this was bad enough but I was ok I was managing I was looking forward to my son coming along, Wondering what he looked like.. would he look like me or would he look like my husband or our other to boys. It was all very exciting for all of us, So when he came after a bad labour.. (he was 2 weeks late and the hospital was dire) but hey I had my precious little bundle who looked just like his dad, Things were great then three months after having him my world went bang I started crying all the time I had panic attacks I was scared to go out of the house them my other half started working late and then despair and loneliness crept in without me realising. I didn’t know what was wrong with me.. I hated myself for not being happy with my precious new addition without realising my life was spiraling out of control. I remember my husband coming home one night and dropping to my knee begging him to help with tears streaming down my face, He said I cant I don’t know what to do I don’t know whats wrong with you i ll phone your mum, But I insisted he never as she lives 5 hours away and she would just worry. Days turned into weeks of crying and severe panic attacks I felt like a prisoner in my own body.

The final straw was I packed all mine and the boys things and I was going to leave, I had no idea where or why I just wanted to go.. to escape.My husband couldn’t cope with me because he couldn’t understand me or what I was going through,The boys were asking me where are we going to go mummy, why etc etc I had no answers.. I was still busy packing when my husband came home he just looked so sad and done out that’s when EVERYTHING HIT ME, I just wanted to die for the pain I caused my family and all for an unknown reason the more hurt they looked the more I hated me and living so while my husband was watching TV I went through to the medicine cabinet and I took all the tablets I could find out and laid them out ready for me to take, 1 TABLET, 2 TABLETS, 3 TABLETS, 4 TABLETS, 5 TABLETS, 6 TABLETS, 7 TABLETS, 8 TABLETS, 9 TABLETS tears streaming down my face my heart aching with pain 10 TABLETS, 11 TABLETS then by some miracle my husband came in and shouted “what the hell are you doing, Do you hate us that much” I said “no its because I love you all” he then said well because I love you im taking you to the doctors in the morning, And with that he took all the tablets in the house and flushed them down the toilet, I cant really remember much about that night just being in a deep sleep and wakening in the morning being sad that I had.

I know it sounds awful but that’s what postnatal depression had done to me and without me realising I had it.

Anyway to cut a long story short I went to the doctors the next day and he diagnosed me with it and gave me anti-depressants and referred me for counselling that was the turning point for me but im so sorry to my husband and my boys for what I put them through. Im glad to say im back to my old happy self but I still take the tablets for fear that i ll get ill again.

So to everyone who thinks they might have depression please don’t be like me and leave it go to a doctor asap I nearly lost my family and my life to it, I know now how serious postnatal depression is and because of it I missed out on a good few months of my gorgeous additions life and that i ll never be able to get back.