I remain on my guard and unable to believe anything that this man says. I do allow my son phone contact but feel guilty because I am aware that the minute a new girl is on the scene, my son will be tossed with as much regard as a used tissue. Used and discarded, because the purpose has been served. This man claims he is different and that the years have changed him. But how cant that be true? The change only came after the romantic partner was removed from the situation and the fear of loneliness was on the horizon. This dire need to know his estranged son came at the same time as the dissolve of his toxic relationship, but he acts as if my suspicious come from no place at all.

I believe my son’s father has become so used to the pattern of using and hurting me that he doesn’t know what else to do. He has told me on more than one occasion that he lived with me only for a place to stay and never felt any love for me at any time. It hurt in the beginning, but now it means nothing. His normal pattern is to use me until he finds someone else to waste his time with. Someone younger, prettier, stupider, basically someone that his parents would like. I was never that person,which no doubt led to the shunning of my son by he and his family up until recently. I was told his parents wanted to pay for my son to take a flight to where they live, but I was on my own with that. The reasoning was and I quote,”Well he is their grandson, and you well your nothing.”

Again, the pattern of abuse and hurt that may give my son’s father pleasure or satisfaction. Though I am guilty as well. I began to believe what he was telling me and letting my son speak to him. I started to let him in to our life, even though I knew he was going to leave us as soon as he had an opportunity. Then I received a phone call from my son’s father one night talking about wanting to gain custody of the most recent child he had fathered and that he was proceeding to attack this girl now in order to avoid paying child support. My stomach curdled and I felt sick. There was no change in this man other than the phone numbers he was calling in a day. He was still only concerned with the money in his pocket.

I knew then what the phone calls had been about and that I once again in a long line of mistakes with this person, allowed myself to be manipulated. But before it went to far I found out the truth. He was using my son to get to me so he would not have to pay child support to two people. He wanted to use me and make me slip up in order to gain some sort of advantage with my son. The cycle on my end has been broken. I can no longer believe anything that comes from him or his family, but alas he is still stick in the moment. He will never be able to stop trying to use me.

My defect is that sometimes when I am alone and think about the situations I start to convince myself that “maybe he has changed and maybe he will love my son and maybe…” and in that moment it all comes back to me, the six years of abuse, neglect and disregard for my son and me. I have begun a new cycle, one of distrust, fear, and anger at the sight of affection or kindness from my son’s estranged family. It may not be perfect, but it keeps us safe.