May 10th, Sunday

Mum used to say what I had was a gift. I still remembered that I scoffed about it. I mean, how can that be a gift? It is a torture and basically a pain in the ass.

Being emotionally sensitive and having the ability to read people’s mind and action. I can tune into the emotions of another person and sense what they are feeling and deduce what they are thinking. It is extra sensitive when the person’s emotion is strong, my emotions get affected and somehow I become a part of them.

I have no idea how I’m doing this and when I started to know I can do this, I just know I could. What I didn’t know was that not many people can do what I can.

Tuning into people’s thoughts and emotions is just like slipping into a sheer cloth, enveloping my body and mind till I became one as the person. I can feel their fury, their fear, their despair, their happiness. I can feel words forming on my tongue as the thoughts form in their heads. I could understand what their every action means, the arching of their eyebrows, the turn of their lips, the shrug of shoulders and especially the look in their eyes, all of these are indicators which tells me the story behind the façade we physically see.

Most of the time I think I’m deluded, this is not some psychic superpower or anything. However, in some cases it has proven more than accurate, more precisely with people who I’m close with. It’s more like I can feel or sense the real intention and meaning behind their every action or words. To think of it, it’s quite useful and scary at times. Because the more I get emotionally attached or sensitive to a person, the more vulnerable I am, the easier I get carried away, the easier I get hurt. It has happened more than once, that I got carried away where I thought I understood them but I didn’t. Sometimes I wondered whether I interpreted wrongly or they are just unwilling to admit the truth to themselves.

Nowadays, I just try to cap in all my emotions from preventing them to flow freely and catching on to things I shouldn’t know and things I don’t need to know. I can get easily lost and stuck in these emotions of others and in the confusions of mine. It’s hard to balance logic and emotions since I’m a pretty logical person when it comes to it. It’s like having two faces where they could not exist in the same panel without equality, that’s the dilemma I’m facing now. I’m afraid to give in to either side in fear of making the wrong decision.