I never got into drugs or obsessive-compulsive self-harm. Scratching until I bled was enough for me, and having eczema provided the perfect masquerade. Scratching seemed perfectly normal to the onlooker, but for me the sharp pain provided relief from not only the itch, but from the world. I could forget about everything else and just deal with one thing and get out my anger and frustration. Somehow it progressed from there. I can’t remember when I first started imagining slitting my wrists. It was probably in primary school as well. I’d imagine the blood flow from my veins and the feeling of incredible release. Just the visualisation was enough to soothe me. I didn’t need the actual act. I don’t think this could even be considered self-harm, but a rejection of what seemed important to the world around me. I never really accepted my physical appearance as something that belonged to my ‘being’. It was just a shell that got me from A to B.

In high school, my introversion continued to manifest itself in my choice of clothes, which I was usually not an issue, as I had a school uniform. I didn’t wear anything that attracted much attention. I was so conservative that even my mother described me as old-fashioned.  I continued my aversion to whatever was trendy, and still do. I just hated what it represented. In the back of my head would be those popular girls at school and those of their kind. I could not and would not have myself associated with them in any way, shape or form. It’s so easy to latch onto an aesthetic when you’re young and impressionable. You have singers, models, and actors as the physical manifestations of the way you want to look and feel. Whilst I found the Britpop aesthetic very attractive, that domain was largely taken up by men. I wasn’t about to start dressing like Richard Ashcroft of The Verve. Mother would definitely start to worry. The music was enough to keep me going. I developed from the inside out. I wore my uniform plainly. No weird badges or ribbons except for the school ones. I didn’t want to use embellishments to show I had a personality. I did however, have Radiohead motifs on my folders. That’s how I wore my heart on my sleeve.