It is only now, some 10 years later, that I notice so many things that mean I feel less able to connect with my own child. I feel more concerned about his behaviour and personality traits than I ever have done with the other two children, because its such an unknown entity. Do I need to worry that he sometimes states at 9 years old that everything in his life is awful? Or, is it just part of his father’s possible dramatic personality coming through?

He leads a life many children in the world would dream of, he lives in a nice big house, has his own room, and all of life’s luxuries, TVs, DVD players, games consoles, a huge garden to play in, a bike, food on the table, warmth, safety and security, so in reality his life is far from awful. But, as a parent, I am battling with myself to know whether he has some kind of emotional problems that could be hereditary, or personality traits that could be hereditary, or if he has genuine problems that need to be dealt with. Is it him or is it his genes?

I knew very little about his father, and what I did know is long forgotten, so I have no frame of reference to start from. Do I encourage the dramatic side of personality, or is that something that needs discouragement? Time spent with his father would have taught me ways to deal with those potential parts of his personality.

I understand that everyone is different, and no child is a carbon copy of their parent, but having the child of a stranger brings its own unexpected challenges, both medical and mental. He suffers from regular nosebleeds-is that linked to a family weakness? He gets so angry so quickly-is that what his father is like or is there some other underlying cause? How is there any way to know these things? I always refer to him as my “unusual” child, and sometimes that is for very positive reasons, he is outgoing and confident, and bright as a button, but sometimes I wonder whether its just because I feel there is a part of him I will never really understand.