I went ballistic last night. This idea of existence just sent me to the verge of being mad.
What’s existence? Is it all real or is it a fabrication of the mind? How can we explain it all…is GOD really whom He says He is? Is it all an hallucination?

I wanted answers so I questioned. I wasn’t going against everything I’ve been taught, I just
had doubts. Jesus did not reprimand Thomas for his doubts; Thomas questioned and he found answers.
I was on a similar quest, I demanded understanding because the simplest of things all of a sudden became unfathomable to me–mind boggling. The most casual conversations sometimes send my mind wandering.
“Hi, what are you doing?”–What am I doing? can I prove that this rake in my hands really exists? This keyboard, is it all in my mind?
“I don’t know what I’m doing, I can’t explain it.”

I feel so sad–depressed, even. Some people say it’s a chemical imbalance. What’s the chemical formula that proves emotions such as LOVE and COMPASSION? Testosterone? Hormones?

I went outside in the backyard and stared at the heavens. I called unto GOD, but He did not show. Is it too much to ask of a GOD that is all-everything? All-knowing, all-understanding, all-merciful, all-loving, all-powerful. I paced around, kicked the grass and felt the wind through my fingers. I tasted the air, breathed it in and out. Air, something I trust existing, but yet can’t see. I can trust the air, I don’t ever ask of it to show itself…just breathing it suffices. Why can’t I be satisfied with GOD unseen?

The stars, who can count them all? The trees and flowers, each one different from the next. Even things that are man-made (are there such things?). Everything that man made with his hands are natural in essence. This polyester shirt I’m wearing is no more unnatural than the Easter lilies next to our fence.

So, I didn’t think GOD showed up, but HE did. HE had been there all along. Who could have made all things as they are? Scientists have disproved spontaneous generation. Why do you think the Big Bang Theory is called a theory? Evolution or not, creation cannot be forgone. This war in my head had ended.

Though there are a lot of things I still do not understand, but I will not trouble myself with them. I trust God to remain mysterious, and HIS reasons behind that choice.