“Garbage?”

“Garbage.  So I walked over to take a look at it, and I, acting inconspicuously, clandestinely observed that said object had four rotary valves, a mouth piece, and something etched on it near the big opening.”

“What was etched on it?”

“Again, inconspicuously, I pulled out my magnifying glass, got down on all fours, and studied this thing.”

“Being on all fours is not really being inconspicuous, Aunt Ruth.”

“I acted like I was throwing up.”

“Oh, that’s better.  That’s truly inconspicuous,” I sighed.

“The etching revealed to me that this was a Tommy Tuscadero Tuba from Toledo.”

“A Tommy Tuscadero!” I exclaimed.  “Oh you shouldn’t have!  This is wonderful!  This is the perfect birthday present!”

“Uh, birthday?  Whose birthday?”

“Why, dear Auntie, my birthday!”

“But your birthday isn’t for another six months, nutty nephew,” she exclaimed.  “I didn’t buy this for you.  I bought it for me.  And I need you to help me get the valves working again.  Some of the valves appear to be stuck.”

I took a deep breath.  So much for drinking in the deep blue morning sky.

“Okay Auntie.”

Wham!

“Don’t call me auntie!  You can call me aunt, you can call me great aunt, and you can call me Aunt Ruth.  Don’t call me auntie.  You know that annoys me.”

Dazed, I asked, “Right.  Why are you carrying an umbrella on such a fine day?”

“I anticipated being called auntie.  Now get up and come help me before I give you a second lump on your head.”

I stood up and discovered that she had actually brought the tuba with her.

“Show me the stuck valves,” I demanded.

“The valves which are stuck are the first and third.”

“The valves that are stuck.”

“That’s what I said.”

“No, you said which.”

“Well duh, what’s the difference?”

“I’m so glad you came by this morning, Aunt Ruth.  This is a perfect opportunity for another grammar lesson.”

“Oh help me,” gasped Aunt Ruth.

“Pardon?” I asked.

“Nothing, nothing.  Get on with it.”

“Which versus that,” I began.  “The general rule of thumb is that one uses that to refer to a specific thing or to help identify an object from several.  For example, the pigeon that is on the bench (not the one on the ground); the fork that is in the road (not the one in your mouth); the frog that is on your shoulder (not the one in your hair); and the nose that is wart free (not the nose on your face).”

Wham!

I was seeing stars.

“Aunt Ruth, you need to stop that.”

“When can I use which,” asked Aunt Ruth.

“Think of which when you want to say something additional about something.”

Aunt Ruth was staring ahead, motionless, mouth hanging open.

I continued.  “The polyester dress Aunt Ruth was wearing, which was four sizes too small, looked as if it might explode.”

She said nothing.  I think she was entering one of her grammar stupors.  I kept going.

“Aunt Ruth’s culinary skills, which would cause a starving man to run away, are …”

Wham!

“Thanks I … needed that,” I stammered.

“Oh Emperor of Examples, I think I’ve got it,” said she.

“You do?”

“I do.  The valves that are stuck are the first and third; of all the noses I’ve seen in my life, the one that is largest is yours; and of my seventeen nephews, the one that is not in my will is you.  My will, which is quite generous, does not include you.  Do I have it?”

“I, uh, I think you’ve got it, Aunt Ruth.”

“Now, fix my valves, please.”

I smiled.  A simple please goes a long way, in my book.

“Sure thing, my dear Aunt Ruth.”

It took several minutes to clean the valves and get them operating smoothly, but soon they were working nicely.

“Now, my dear Aunt Ruth, you’re going to need tuba lessons.  I know just the instructor you need.”

“I don’t need lessons.  Anybody can play this thing.”

“Now, Aunt Ruth, you’re being silly.”

“Am I?  See you later, kiddo.”

She picked up the tuba and marched down the street, playing Sousa’s “Stars and Stripes,” which by the way is one of my favorite songs.

For other Aunt Ruth rumblings, consider:

Aunt Ruth Is a Babe, Is She Not?

As Aunt Ruth Likes It

Aunt Ruth Is She for Whom the Bell Tolls

Hopefully Hopeless