A lot of  people have a problem with it. Most avoid talking about it for various reasons. Number 1, it’s embarrassing. I will take credit for a lot of things, but like the other 90% of the population, I’m unhappy with my appearance. I’m absolutely hideous and the thing I hate about myself most is my weight. I’ve struggled with my weight forever. FOREVER. I’ve been fat since I before I could walk. I didn’t really start noticing it though, until I was a teenager. That is when appearance takes over an adolescent life. It is the most important thing. What to wear, what not to wear, hair, makeup. It’s a big, ugly mess. I blame the media. I blame parents. I blame society. I cant really take the blame for hating myself. If I looked like Gemma Ward, who is one of my heroes, I think I would find something else besides weight to focus on.
So, I never got dates in high school because I was fat. If you want to talk numbers. I weighed 183lbs my junior year and 210lbs my senior year. Summer of 2004, I was 236lbs. On my then 5′2″ frame, that is dangerously overweight OBESE. Isn’t that an ugly word. It makes me feel sick.
When I started college, I decided I wanted to lose weight, so I joined Weight Watchers. It works and it is a great program. I lost 54lbs in about 4 months. I had plenty of dates. And I hated those guys. I hated myself. If I weren’t thin. They would have never looked at me twice. Now, I say thin. But I was really a pretty average, a healthy size 14.
It is dangerous to get obsesssed with losing weight. I quit Weight Watchers because I stopped eating, and I didn’t want the ladies at weigh in to see that the only thing I had had all week was some water, diet coke, and a couple cans of vegetable soup. I went days without eating. I spent hours in the gym. I slept in on the weekends and went to bed exhausted and hungry. I found another way to keep the weight off.  I developed bulimia. I know. I don’t know why I decided to make this public. I guess I am tired of lying to myself about not being sick. I lost another 24lbs and kept it off. I kept off the weight because of this horrible lifestyle that I had developed. I was severely  depressed.  And even though I was a size 6-8 now, I still hated myself. I knew I was still ugly and fat. I got lots of attention though. And I got lots of dates. I hated them all.
Being smaller did not make me any happier. I had lost weight the right way, and I had lost weight the wrong way. No one noticed and no one cared: maybe that was my real problem.
I was doing horrible in my classes, so I transferred to UNA and moved home. I got a new job. I wasn’t happy.  Still, I slowly lost control of my bulimia. My weight climbed slowly. I gained weight until I was about 170lbs in 2007. I stayed this weight for over two years. I had made friends at work. I had met a guy and started to have feelings for him. He never made me feel self-conscious. I  think I loved him. I told him I did. He didn’t feel the same way. I felt horrible. I’m not blaming him, but , after this disappointment. I found myself developing the habits that I had thought I’d gotten away from. My weight yo-yoed. I think at this point, I was a complusive eater. I ate my feelings. And there were a lot of them. I ‘d gain, but then I was just as quick to lose worshipping the porcelain god. I went to the doctor in summer 2009, and my eating habits improved. I would still occasionally overeat. I gained a few pounds.
I decided in July that if I couldn’t find a job by Oct. I was going to talk to a recruiter about joining the air force. Yet again, my weight became an issue. I can’t escape it. And I hate it. I wish I could say I was cured from my bulimia, but I don’t think you ever are. If you suffer with it, it never really goes away. I was waiting on a relationship to pull me out of this. I wanted to feel beautiful. I think everyone does.
I ‘m America’s Most Unwanted. I still blame my weight, even though when I was thin I still had the same problems. I still felt the same way. Bulimia is a sickness. I guess I can never be cured.  I am doing a little better currently. I am going to the gym and trying my damnest to lose weight the “right” way.
I want everyone who reads this to know that I think trying to look like a stick thin model is stupid. I think full-figured women are beautiful. I don’t know why everyone has this sick, warped image of beauty. I want you to know, I don’t think thin is a victory. Ever. As long as you are happy with your body and your health isn’t affected by your weight. Say “fuck it.” Because we shouldn’t conform to be what the fashion industry wants us to be. Don’t be ashamed of who you were, who you are, or who you might someday be.