DR. JOHN H. WATSON: About 75 to 80, short and plump.

MRS. HUDSON: About 65, short and plump.

SIR ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE: Aged 68, tall and thin.

DR. CARRINGBUSH: About 70.

MARGARET DOUGLAS: About 38 to 40.

ANDREW DOUGLAS: About 40 to 45.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE: About 80, very tall and thin.

WENTWORTH (THE DETECTIVE.): About 40.

BRIDGITTE (THE MAID): About 38

INTERIOR SETS
SHERLOCK HOLMES’ BEDROOM

SHERLOCK HOLMES’ LIVING ROOM

WENTWORTH’S LIVING ROOM

PRISON CELL

IAN DOUGLAS’ BEDROOM

DR. WATSON
What…?
(Half a beat.)
Oh yes, Mrs. HUDSON, I will see what I can do.

CARRINGBUSH signals to CONAN DOYLE as Mrs. HUDSON leaves, and CONAN DOYLE goes over to him.

CARRINGBUSH
Did he say that she is Mrs. HUDSON?

CONAN DOYLE
Yes, that’s right.

CARRINGBUSH
But surely not THE Mrs. HUDSON?   Wouldn’t she be well over a hundred years old by now?

CARRINGBUSH
Oh, I see.

SHERLOCK HOLMES begins to thrash about in bed.

SHERLOCK HOLMES
Watson!   Watson!

SHERLOCK HOLMES
Moriarty…
(Half a beat.)
Professor Moriarty!

DR. WATSON
Moriarty is dead, HOLMES.

SHERLOCK HOLMES
Dead?

DR. WATSON
That’s right, HOLMES.   You threw him over them.

SHERLOCK HOLMES
Threw him over them?

DR. WATSON
Yes…
(Half a beat.)
Moriarty.   You threw Moriarty over the Falls.

SHERLOCK HOLMES
Threw Moriarty over the Falls?

WATSON is almost in tears.

DR. WATSON (Weakly.)
Yes.

There is a few seconds’ silence then WATSON bends over HOLMES.

When WATSON looks up again he is crying.

CARRINGBUSH rushes over and takes up HOLMES’ wrist, looking for a pulse.

WATSON looks towards CONAN DOYLE.

DR. WATSON
Do you know what his last words were?

CONAN DOYLE shakes his head.

DR. WATSON
He said: ‘Don’t let word out about my death.   It might create an unhealthy excitement among the criminal class.’

CARRINGBUSH puts a hand on Watson’s shoulder and, looking toward
CONAN DOYLE, nods.

DR. WATSON
Would you…
(Half a beat.)
Would you leave me alone with him for a few minutes?

CONAN DOYLE
Yes, of course, John…
(Half a beat.)
Come along, CARRINGBUSH.

CONAN DOYLE and Dr. CARRINGBUSH go through to the main area, which is lit up, while the bedroom is dimmed, and stand towards the front of the room on the left hand side.

CARRINGBUSH
Have you known them very long?

CARRINGBUSH
And what about you and HOLMES?

CONAN DOYLE
I first met HOLMES in the mid 1880s…
(Half a beat.)
1886, I think?   WATSON had been nagging HOLMES for years to allow him to write up some of his cases, since invariably the credit for HOLMES’ work always seemed to go to INSPECTOR LESTRADE or one of the other Scotland Yard boys.
(Half a beat.)
By that time I had already had a handful of short stories published.   So WATSON, having himself botched an attempt to transcribe one of HOLMES’ cases, approached me to help him prepare ‘A Study In Scarlet’ from HOLMES’ notes.

CARRINGBUSH
And instant fame and fortune, eh?

CONAN DOYLE
On the contrary.   No-one wanted to have a bar of the book.   In the end, in desperation, after more than a dozen rejections, we let it go to Ward, Lock and Co. for a paltry twenty-five- pounds.   Which did not stretch very far between the three of us…
(Half a beat.)
And even then they held it over for a year before releasing it as Beetan’s Christmas Annual.   Of course they made a mint on the deal, but we never saw a brass farthing more than the original twenty-five quid.

CARRINGBUSH
A raw deal, what!

CONAN DOYLE
So then we went our separate ways for a while.   Myself to write ‘The White Company’; WATSON to write up a few of HOLMES’ briefer cases.   It was in about 1889 that we started writing together again, and, of course, wrote up another three major cases, ‘The Sign of The Four’, ‘The Hound of the Baskervilles’ and ‘The Valley of Fear’.   Plus another fifty or so shorter cases.

There is the sound of knocking, and Mrs. HUDSON walks onto stage.

MRS. HUDSON
I am terribly sorry to bother you, Mr. CONAN DOYLE, but there is a young lady downstairs who insists that she has to speak to Mr. HOLMES.

CONAN DOYLE
Mr. HOLMES is dead, Mrs. HUDSON.

MRS. HUDSON
Oh dear me!  Poor Mr. HOLMES…
(Half a beat.)
Whatever will I tell the young lady?

CONAN DOYLE
Did you tell her that Mr. HOLMES was ill?

MRS. HUDSON
No sir, only that he was indisposed.

CONAN DOYLE
Good, that is exactly how Mr. HOLMES wanted it.

MRS. HUDSON
But whatever will I tell the young lady?   She was quite insistent.

There is the SOUND OF RUNNING FOOTSTEPS on the stairs, and a young woman of medium height and build bursts into the room.

She pauses for a few seconds examining the three other people in the room.

MRS. HUDSON
Here now, young lady, didn’t I tell you to wait downstairs?

She goes over to the woman, MARGARET DOUGLAS, and, taking her by the arm, begins to lead her towards the back of the stage.

The young woman breaks free from Mrs. HUDSON and runs over to CONAN DOYLE.

MARGARET DOUGLAS
Mr. HOLMES, oh Mr. HOLMES, you’ve just got to help me.   I don’t know whom else to turn to.

Mrs. HUDSON walks over and takes her gently by the arm again.

MRS. HUDSON
Now, now my girl, that will be quite enough of that from you.

CONAN DOYLE
That will be all right, Mrs. HUDSON, the least we can do is hear the young lady out.

MRS. HUDSON (Uncertain.)
Well…
(Half a beat.)
All right…

She starts to walk towards the back of the stage.

MRS. HUDSON
If there is anything you need; you know where you can find me.

She walks off stage.

CONAN DOYLE
Very good, Mrs. HUDSON.
(To Young Woman.)
Now then, suppose you begin by introducing yourself, my dear.

MARGARET DOUGLAS
Mrs. MARGARET DOUGLAS.

CONAN DOYLE
And I am…

MARGARET DOUGLAS
Yes, yes Mr. HOLMES, all of the world knows SHERLOCK.

CONAN DOYLE shrugs his shoulders in resignation and gives CARRINGBUSH a wry grin as CARRINGBUSH starts to walk off stage.

MARGARET DOUGLAS sees the doctor leaving, and calls after him…

MARGARET DOUGLAS
No, no, Dr. WATSON, don’t leave.   You must hear my problem also.

CONAN DOYLE and CARRINGBUSH exchange glances and CARRINGBUSH starts walking back.

CONAN DOYLE pushes over a chair for MARGARET Douglas.

CONAN DOYLE
Before we go any further, I propose that we all make ourselves as comfortable as possible.

MARGARET DOUGLAS sits down and CONAN DOYLE and CARRINGBUSH bring over chairs for themselves and sit facing her.   They are all side-on to the audience, about a third of the way back from the edge of the stage.

CONAN DOYLE
Now that we are settled, suppose you tell us what brings you to our doorstep, Mrs. Douglas?

MARGARET DOUGLAS
Murder.

CARRINGBUSH
What?
(Springing To His Feet.)

CONAN DOYLE
Murder?   Of whom, pray tell?

MARGARET DOUGLAS
My husband, Ian Douglas.

CONAN DOYLE waves CARRINGBUSH to be seated and he obeys.

CONAN DOYLE
Do you have any idea who the murderer is?

MARGARET DOUGLAS
No. I can’t imagine anyone who would want him dead.   But the police think that it was ANDREW.

CONAN DOYLE
ANDREW?

MARGARET DOUGLAS
ANDREW DOUGLAS, Ian’s younger brother.   The police have taken him into custody.   But it can’t be ANDREW.

CONAN DOYLE
Yet the police must have some reason to suspect your brother-in-law, Mrs. Douglas.   They don’t go around locking people up m whims…
(Half a beat.)
These days.

MARGARET DOUGLAS
Well…
(Half a beat.)
Yes.   You see ANDREW and I were engaged to be married…
(Half a beat.)
Before I met Ian that is.   So the police seem to think that he may have been nurturing a hatred for Ian these past five years, and finally it burst forth, causing ANDREW to commit cold-blooded murder.

CARRINGBUSH
Hardly cold-blooded murder under those circumstances.

MARGARET DOUGLAS
But I know that he did not do it.

CONAN DOYLE
How do you know it?

MARGARET DOUGLAS
Because ANDREW was with me at the time when the murder occurred.

CONAN DOYLE
Then I fail to see what your problem is.   All you need do is go to the police and vouch for your brother-in-law’s whereabouts.

MARGARET DOUGLAS
But it is not quite that simple.

CONAN DOYLE
I don’t see why not?

MARGARET DOUGLAS
Because ANDREW and I are lovers.

CARRINGBUSH
You mean you were lovers.

MARGARET DOUGLAS
No, no, Dr. WATSON.   Are lovers.   You see, Mr. HOLMES…
(Turning Toward Conan Doyle.)
ANDREW and I are lovers; we were sleeping together at the time of my husband’s killing.

CARRINGBUSH (Shocked.)
I say!

CONAN DOYLE
Well, that does somewhat complicate matters.   There is no way that you can vouch for ANDREW without letting on about your relationship.

CARRINGBUSH
But if she does that, the police will call her a biased witness.

CONAN DOYLE
Exactly.

MARGARET DOUGLAS
There must be something that you can do, Mr. HOLMES?

CONAN DOYLE takes his watch from his fob pocket and glances at it before returning it to the pocket.

CONAN DOYLE
Let me see, it is eleven o’clock now, so the murder occurred last night?

MARGARET DOUGLAS
That is correct.   But they did not take ANDREW into custody until an hour ago.

CONAN DOYLE
The first thing we will need to do is have a word with ANDREW DOUGLAS.   I don’t suppose that you happened to catch the name of the police officer in charge of the case?

MARGARET DOUGLAS
Yes, yes, I did.   Let me think…
 (Half a beat.)
Oh yes, of course…
(Half a beat.)
COMMISSIONER LESTRADE.

END OF ACT ONE:

ACT TWO:
A multiple set, one area being the sitting room of the private investigator, WENTWORTH.   The second area is a prison cell.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE, CARRINGBUSH and CONAN DOYLE are on stage in the cell area, talking, when the curtain goes up.   The sitting room is in darkness.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
So SHERLOCK HOLMES is dead?

CONAN DOYLE
That’s right.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
How did he die?

CONAN DOYLE
He was struck down by the greatest killer of them all.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE (Startled.)
Professor Moriarty?

CARRINGBUSH
No, no, old age.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
Oh, I see.

He heaves a sigh of relief.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
You had me worried for a second there.

CONAN DOYLE
So you see, Inspector…

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
It’s Chief Commissioner now, if you don’t mind.

CONAN DOYLE
So you see, Chief Commissioner, I am helping Mrs. Douglas to clear the name of her brother-in-law.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
You’ll have a hard job doing that, Mr. CONAN DOYLE.   He’s as guilty as the day is long.   Seems his sister-in-law was an old flame, before she dropped him for his rich brother.

CARRINGBUSH
Rich, eh?   She never mentioned that the deceased was a man of money.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
No, no, well, I suppose she wouldn’t, would she?

CONAN DOYLE
Perhaps not.   Still, you have yet to produce anything that would stand up against ANDREW Douglas in a court of law.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
Then how about this?   The deceased was killed by his brother’s gun.

CONAN DOYLE
Can you prove that?

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
I wouldn’t have said it if I couldn’t.   The gun has been identified by the dead man’s maid, BRIDGITTE…
(Half a beat.)
As well as by ANDREW Douglas himself.

CONAN DOYLE
ANDREW DOUGLAS has identified his own gun as the murder weapon?

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
That’s right.

CARRINGBUSH
Well that’s hardly the act of a guilty man, COMMISSIONER LESTRADE.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
Unless he was clever enough to realise that he has more to gain by admitting ownership of the gun than by denying it and perhaps being caught out in a lie.

CARRINGBUSH
Oh come on…

CONAN DOYLE
Possibly.

CONAN DOYLE begins to pace the cell, pondering over what he has been told.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
And the strangest thing is that the killing was totally needless.

CONAN DOYLE
How so, COMMISSIONER LESTRADE?

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
Because Ian Douglas was already dying.

IN UNISON:

CARRINGBUSH
What?

CONAN DOYLE
Dying?

END OF UNISON:

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
That’s right, of Ele  
(Half a beat.)
Elephan…

He takes a small notebook from his breast pocket and reads it.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
Oh here it is…
(Half a beat.)
Elephantiasis.

CONAN DOYLE
What?

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE (Consulting The Notepad Again.)
Elephantiasis.

He places the pad back in his breast pocket.

CONAN DOYLE
How in the world did he ever contract that?

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
During a brief business trip to Trinidad.

CARRINGBUSH
Elephantiasis…
(Scratching His Chin.)
Isn’t that what killed John Merrick, the so-called Elephant Man?

CONAN DOYLE
No, but something very like it.

CONAN DOYLE starts pacing the cell again.

CONAN DOYLE
But listen here, LESTRADE.   If Ian Douglas suffered from Elephantiasis, then his brother ANDREW must have known about it.

CARRINGBUSH
Of course, it’s not exactly the sort of thing that you could hide.   What with your limbs and whatnot blowing up like balloons.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
Well, that’s true enough, Doctor.   But as I have always said, there is no accounting for the way the criminal mind works.

CONAN DOYLE
Rubbish, LESTRADE.

LESTRADE is obviously taken aback by this.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
Well, you didn’t come here merely to palaver with me, so I suppose I had better go and call in young ANDREW Douglas.

CONAN DOYLE
Oh, one thing first,

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE.   I forgot to mention that MARGARET Douglas thinks that I am SHERLOCK HOLMES.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
She thinks…
(Looking Toward Carringbush.)
And I suppose he’s Dr. WATSON?

CONAN DOYLE
I’m glad to see you’ve caught on so fast.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
Well, I never.

LESTRADE goes over to the back of the stage and returns a few seconds later followed by ANDREW Douglas.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
Mr. ANDREW Douglas.
(Pointing Towards Conan Doyle.)
This is Mr. Ar…

CONAN DOYLE
Mr. SHERLOCK HOLMES.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
Er, what…?
(Half a beat.)
Oh yes, Mr. SHERLOCK HOLMES…
(Pointing Towards Carringbush.
And this is Dr. WATSON.

ANDREW DOUGLAS
Good day, gentlemen.   I’m afraid that I do not quite understand what I can do for you?

CONAN DOYLE
On the contrary, Mr. Douglas, it is what we can do for you.

ANDREW DOUGLAS
I don’t understand.

CONAN DOYLE
Your…your sister-in-law has asked Dr. Carr…
(Half a beat.)
Dr. WATSON and myself to act on your behalf.

ANDREW DOUGLAS
I’m afraid I still don’t…

CONAN DOYLE turns towards LESTRADE.

CONAN DOYLE
Perhaps, Commissioner, could you be good enough to grant us a few minutes alone with Mr. Douglas.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
Well, strictly speaking, I can’t.   Once he’s been -read his rights and booked, he’s only supposed to be left alone with his nearest relatives or his lawyer.

CONAN DOYLE
Very well then…
(Turning Towards Andrew Douglas.)
Have you had the opportunity to hire an attorney yet, Mr. Douglas?

ANDREW DOUGLAS
Well no, I…

CONAN DOYLE
Very well then, we shall represent Mr. Douglas as his lawyers.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
You?   But neither one of you is a certified lawyer.

CONAN DOYLE
And neither one of us needs to be, in case you are not aware of British law, Commissioner.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
Well, er…
(Half a beat.)
In that case I suppose it will be all right.

LESTRADE walks off stage.   Douglas goes and sits on the bunk-bed, while CONAN DOYLE and CARRINGBUSH stand at the end of it.   They are all side-on to the audience.

CONAN DOYLE
I have to be frank with you, Mr. Douglas…

ANDREW DOUGLAS
ANDREW, call me ANDREW.

CONAN DOYLE
All right, ANDREW…
(Half a beat.)
MARGARET DOUGLAS has told us of your affair, and where you were when your brother was killed.

ANDREW DOUGLAS
But we can hardly tell the police that, now.

CONAN DOYLE
No. But perhaps if you had told them in the first place…

ANDREW DOUGLAS
Mr. HOLMES, you have to understand that there was never anything impure about our relationship.

CONAN DOYLE
Then it was strictly platonic?

ANDREW DOUGLAS
No, no, of course not, Mr. HOLMES.   Grown men and women cannot have platonic love affairs.   That sort of thing only happens in novels.   When I said that it was never impure, I meant in the spiritual sense.   You see, Maggie was never happy married to Ian.

CONAN DOYLE
Yet she jilted you to marry him?

ANDREW Douglas is taken aback by this.

ANDREW DOUGLAS
Well no…
(Half a beat.)
No, you see we had already broken up before she took up with Ian.   She had met Ian while we were going together and later quite a bit, while we were engaged.   Then when we broke off, Ian went to console her and gradually they began seeing more and more of each other and finally were married.

CONAN DOYLE ponders for a few seconds.

CONAN DOYLE
What caused your engagement to be broken off?

ANDREW DOUGLAS
A total misunderstanding.   In those days I was a junior lecturer at London University.   One of my pupils was a very attractive young Scots girl who was having difficulties with her studies.   She came to me for help and I started giving her private tuition.
(Half a beat.)
Maggie found out and, misunderstanding the situation, broke off the engagement.   Before things could sort themselves out, she had already married Ian.

CONAN DOYLE and CARRINGBUSH exchange glances.

CONAN DOYLE
Then how did you get back together again?

ANDREW DOUGLAS
It was about a year or so after her marriage that Maggie came to me.   She told me that she was frightfully unhappy with Ian.   He was a tyrant and used to beat her mercilessly for the smallest grievances.   I explained to her my innocence with the Scots girl, whose name I cannot even remember, and so we started seeing each other again…
(Half a beat.)
It was about six months later that we started sleeping together.   Only after Ian had made it quite clear that under no circumstances would he even consider granting a divorce.   Maggie was his property, as he put it, and he refused to part with her.   So it was either adultery or else starving ourselves to please a tyrant.

CONAN DOYLE
You say that your brother acted like a tyrant toward MARGARET?

ANDREW DOUGLAS
That is right.

CONAN DOYLE
Is that how you remember him from your youth together?

ANDREW DOUGLAS
Well, Ian and I were never especially close.   I cannot say that he was an out and out tyrant toward the rest of the family, but he certainly always insisted upon getting his own way…
(Half a beat.)
I’ll be honest with you, Mr. HOLMES, I never loved my brother Ian, and I am not particularly sorry that be is dead.   But I did not kill him.

CARRINGBUSH
But he was killed with your gun.   How do you account for that?

ANDREW DOUGLAS
I can’t.   I don’t know how the killer got hold of the gun.

CONAN DOYLE
Had you noticed that it was missing, prior to your brother’s death?

ANDREW DOUGLAS
Well, yes I had.   It disappeared about a month ago.

CONAN DOYLE
How are you able to so exactly place the date?

ANDREW DOUGLAS
Because I noticed the loss of the gun a day or two after visiting my brother.

CARRINGBUSH
Visiting your brother?

CONAN DOYLE
But I thought that you were not close?

ANDREW DOUGLAS
We weren’t.

CONAN DOYLE
Then why did you visit him?

ANDREW DOUGLAS
I received a telegram from Ian, asking me over.   It turned out that he had found out, somehow, about Maggie and me, and he wanted to gloat over the fact that he would never grant a divorce.

CONAN DOYLE
And so you argued with him?

ANDREW DOUGLAS
Yes.   But nothing ever came of it.

CONAN DOYLE
Do you have any idea how he discovered your affair with MARGARET?

ANDREW DOUGLAS
No.   At first I thought that she must have broken down and confessed, however she ardently denied it.   Later I simply assumed that he had deduced it.

CARRINGBUSH
Deduced it?

ANDREW DOUGLAS
Yes.   He knew that Maggie frequently spent a night away from the house; she had asked him for a divorce…
(Half a beat.)

CONAN DOYLE
And she had been engaged to you before she married him.

ANDREW DOUGLAS
Exactly.

CONAN DOYLE
So when did you notice the loss of the pistol?

ANDREW DOUGLAS
Around noon, two days after visiting Ian.

CONAN DOYLE
Did you always take your revolver when you went outside?

ANDREW DOUGLAS
Yes, always.   These days you have to.

CONAN DOYLE
So the gun could have disappeared at any time while you were at your brother’s, or after you returned home?

ANDREW DOUGLAS
That is right.   But there is no way that Ian could have taken it.

CARRINGBUSH
Why not?

ANDREW DOUGLAS (Looking Toward Conan Doyle.)
Because he was never out of my sight all of the time that I was there.

CONAN DOYLE
Then you wore your coat all the time while you were with him.

ANDREW DOUGLAS
No, the maid, BRIDGITTE, took my coat and hat when I arrived and returned them when I left.   But Ian was never out of my sight the whole time I was there.

CARRINGBUSH
Then the maid could have taken the gun!

ANDREW DOUGLAS
But why?   BRIDGITTE had no reason to murder Ian.

CONAN DOYLE
For how long was BRIDGITTE employed by your brother?

ANDREW DOUGLAS
More than fifteen years.

CONAN DOYLE
Fifteen years?

ANDREW DOUGLAS
Yes, since she was twenty-one or -two, and my brother was in his late twenties.

CONAN DOYLE
A decade before your brother married MARGARET DOUGLAS?

ANDREW DOUGLAS
Yes.

CARRINGBUSH
Then perhaps they had been having an affair and the maid killed him out of jealousy when he jilted her in favour of MARGARET!

CONAN DOYLE
Possibly.   But it is dangerous to theorise too much without knowing all the facts.

There is the sound of knocking and

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE enters.

CONAN DOYLE
Time up, eh?

CONAN DOYLE takes his watch from his fob pocket, glances at it, then returns it to the pocket.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
No, no, you can stay as long as you care to.   Make it twenty years if you like…

CARRINGBUSH
Very droll.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
But there is another visitor here for Mr. Douglas.

MARGARET Douglas rushes onto stage as LESTRADE walks off stage.

ANDREW Douglas rushes over to MARGARET DOUGLAS and they hug.

ANDREW DOUGLAS
Maggie.

MARGARET DOUGLAS
ANDREW.

They cuddle together for a moment, then MARGARET DOUGLAS breaks away and rushes over to CONAN DOYLE.

MARGARET DOUGLAS
Oh Mr. HOLMES, I was hoping to find you still here.

CONAN DOYLE
Why, what is the matter?

She delves into her purse and takes out an envelope which she hands to CONAN DOYLE.   He takes out a single sheet of white paper and reads it to himself.

CARRINGBUSH
What is it?

CONAN DOYLE
It is a letter from a Mr. WENTWORTH demanding five hundred pounds in connection with the death of Ian Douglas.

IN UNISON:

ANDREW DOUGLAS
Blackmail?

CARRINGBUSH
A blackmail note!

END OF UNISON:

CONAN DOYLE
That is what it would seem like.

ANDREW DOUGLAS
But we have nothing to hide.   I did not kill Ian.

CARRINGBUSH
It could be about your relationship with your sister-in-law.

CONAN DOYLE
More than likely.

ANDREW DOUGLAS
But how could that hurt us?   Ian is dead and there is no one else that it needs to be hidden from.

CONAN DOYLE
True.   Before you can be blackmailed you need to have something to hide, but more importantly you need someone to hide it from.

CARRINGBUSH
Well then, what about from the police?

CONAN DOYLE (Hesitantly.)
Mmmm, yes…
(Half a beat.)
I suppose so…

He looks at the front of the envelope.

CONAN DOYLE
The letter is postmarked after the death of Ian Douglas.

CARRINGBUSH
Yes?

CONAN DOYLE
Oh, I was just wondering whether the papers had broken the new of his death by this morning…
(Half a beat.)
So Doctor, the game is afoot.

The lights dim on the set and the second area is lit up as CONAN DOYLE and
CARRINGBUSH walk onto stage.

WENTWORTH, a tall bespectacled man, is in an armchair before the desk, reading a book, when they enter.

He puts down the book and rises to greet his visitors.

WENTWORTH
My maid said that you were Sir Arthur CONAN DOYLE?

CONAN DOYLE
That is correct.

WENTWORTH
Not the famous author?

CARRINGBUSH
He is.

WENTWORTH grabs
CONAN DOYLE by the right hand and pumps it furiously.

WENTWORTH
Well, well, this is a great honour.   I have read all of your stories, Mr. CONAN DOYLE.   I particularly liked The White Company and its sequel, Sir Nigel.

CONAN DOYLE
That is most gratifying.   Most people prefer my detective yarns.

WENTWORTH
Well, I’ve read those too, of course.   But The White Company and Sir Nigel seem to so vibrantly picture that wonderful period in British history.
(Turning To Carringbush.)
Don’t you think so?

CARRINGBUSH
Why, er, yes, yes, of course.

WENTWORTH
But what was it that you wished to see me about, gentlemen?

CONAN DOYLE
We are acting on the behalf of Mrs. MARGARET Douglas.

WENTWORTH
MARGARET Douglas?…
(Half a beat.)
Oh, I see.

CONAN DOYLE reaches into his breast pocket and takes out the envelope.

CONAN DOYLE
It is about this letter which Mrs. Douglas received from you.

WENTWORTH
Ah, my letter.

CARRINGBUSH
Blackmail is a very serious business, you know.

WENTWORTH (Puzzled.)
Blackmail?   But I don’t…

CONAN DOYLE
How can you deny demanding money from Mrs. Douglas?

He takes the sheet of paper from the envelope.

CONAN DOYLE
It is right here in black and white.

WENTWORTH
No, no, I don’t deny asking for the money.   But I was not trying to blackmail her.

CONAN DOYLE
Then what?

WENTWORTH
Merely asking for payment for services rendered.

CONAN DOYLE and CARRINGBUSH exchange glances.

CARRINGBUSH
But MARGARET Douglas swears that she has never heard of you.

CONAN DOYLE
Yes, so how could she possibly owe you anything?

WENTWORTH
She doesn’t.

CONAN DOYLE
What?   But…?

WENTWORTH
Perhaps I should be a bit more direct.

CONAN DOYLE
Yes, please do.

WENTWORTH points toward some armchairs.

WENTWORTH
But perhaps first you would like to make yourselves comfortable.

CONAN DOYLE
Thank you kindly.

CARRINGBUSH
Don’t mind if we do.

They pull up the two chairs and place them facing toward Wentworth, with CONAN DOYLE on the side nearest the audience.

CONAN DOYLE
Now, you were saying, Mr. WENTWORTH?

WENTWORTH
I was about to explain that MARGARET Douglas has never heard of me, however her late husband had…
(Half a beat.)
The services rendered were to Ian Douglas.   But since he is no longer with us, he obviously cannot make payment.

CONAN DOYLE
So naturally, since his widow has inherited his estate, she also inherits his debts.

WENTWORTH
Precisely.   I am glad to see that you are so understanding.

CONAN DOYLE and CARRINGBUSH exchange glances, then CONAN DOYLE looks back toward WENTWORTH.

CONAN DOYLE
I hope that you will take no offence by what I am about to say…?

WENTWORTH
By all means, speak your mind, Mr. CONAN DOYLE.

CONAN DOYLE
I was going to say this it is a common enough confidence trick to claim debts of the newly dead.  …
(Half a beat.)
Can you prove that Ian Douglas really did owe you the money?

WENTWORTH
Quite simply, Mr. CONAN DOYLE, because I have detailed notes and tape recordings of all of our conversations.

CARRINGBUSH
Tape recordings?   But…

CONAN DOYLE (Puzzled.)
Exactly what type of work did you do for Mr. Douglas, Mr. WENTWORTH?

WENTWORTH
Well, I am a private investigator…

CONAN DOYLE
Then you were hired to follow his wife?

WENTWORTH (Startled.)
Very perceptive, Mr. CONAN DOYLE.   Ian Douglas suspected that his wife was having an affair.   So he hired me to find out with whom.

CONAN DOYLE
And did you?

WENTWORTH
Oh yes.   I followed MARGARET Douglas to her brother-in-law’s residence on eleven separate occasions, and took rather explicit photographs of them together on three occasions.

CARRINGBUSH
How despicable!

CONAN DOYLE
Steady on, old fellow.   Mr. WENTWORTH was only doing his job.

WENTWORTH
Exactly, Mr. CONAN DOYLE.

CARRINGBUSH
But what a job!

WENTWORTH
Yet, were my actions any worse than those of MARGARET DOUGLAS and ANDREW Douglas?

CARRINGBUSH
Why yes, of course, they had been…

CONAN DOYLE grabs CARRINGBUSH by the arm.

CONAN DOYLE
Steady on, old fellow, we are not here to judge Mr. WENTWORTH…
(Half a beat.)
Or MARGARET and ANDREW Douglas.

WENTWORTH
Thank you, Mr. CONAN DOYLE.

CARRINGBUSH
But do you really expect MARGARET Douglas to pay you for spying on her?

WENTWORTH
I expect her to pay me for services rendered.   Nothing more and nothing less.

CARRINGBUSH
And if she refuses to pay you, what then?

CONAN DOYLE
Yes, what then, Mr. WENTWORTH?   I am sure that you can understand that
MARGARET Douglas might not exactly feel that it was her duty to pay you, under the circumstances.

WENTWORTH
Well, if she refuses to settle her debt, then I will be forced to take the matter elsewhere.

CARRINGBUSH (Shocked.)
Take it to the press, you mean!

WENTWORTH
No, no, not at all, Doctor.   I meant to the courts.

CARRINGBUSH
The courts?

WENTWORTH
Yes, of course.   That is the usual method of dealing with defaulters.

CONAN DOYLE
Yet that would result in the story reaching the press, since there are always journalists in the courtrooms.

WENTWORTH
That is most unfortunate, Mr. CONAN DOYLE.

CARRINGBUSH
I thought that you said this isn’t blackmail!

CONAN DOYLE
Steady on, old fellow.

WENTWORTH
I was hoping that you would be more understanding, Doctor.   I have no wish to embarrass MARGARET Douglas.   I only seek what is rightfully mine.

CONAN DOYLE
And you shall have it.
(Rising To His Feet.)
I personally will see that you receive payment in full, Mr. WENTWORTH.

WENTWORTH
Why, that is most kind of you, Mr. CONAN DOYLE.

CONAN DOYLE reaches down to grab WENTWORTH’s right hand as CARRINGBUSH rises to his feet and prepares to leave.

WENTWORTH
I am sure that you appreciate that in my line of work I must take whatever work is offered to me.

CONAN DOYLE
Yes, of course.

CARRINGBUSH
Still, you could attempt to steer clear of this kind of thing.

WENTWORTH
Normally I do, Doctor.   However, Mr. Douglas was quite insistent.   He offered me payment considerably above my normal rate.

CARRINGBUSH
A very moral man, apparently.

CARRINGBUSH and
CONAN DOYLE turn to leave.

WENTWORTH
On the contrary, Doctor.   More of a hypocrite.

CONAN DOYLE and
CARRINGBUSH stop and turn back toward WENTWORTH.

CONAN DOYLE
A hypocrite?…
(Half a beat.)
I don’t understand.

WENTWORTH
Ian Douglas was positively livid about his wife’s affair.   Yet he was also being unfaithful to MARGARET Douglas.

CONAN DOYLE
Ian Douglas was having an affair?

WENTWORTH
That’s right.

CONAN DOYLE
For how long did the affair last?

WENTWORTH
For the better part of fifteen years.   Right up until Douglas’s death.

CARRINGBUSH
Then it was with the maid?

WENTWORTH (Startled.)
The maid, BRIDGITTE, yes.

CONAN DOYLE
How did you become aware of their relationship, Mr. WENTWORTH?

WENTWORTH
Well, Ian Douglas told me to use every means at my disposal to acquire evidence against his wife.   So I took the liberty of bugging the Douglas house.

CARRINGBUSH
Bugging?   I don’t understand.

CONAN DOYLE
A bug is a small electronic transmitter that is hidden in a room so that you can listen in on private conversations.

WENTWORTH
Exactly, Mr. CONAN DOYLE.

CONAN DOYLE
Was Ian Douglas aware that you had bugged his house?

WENTWORTH
No.   I did not see the need to inform him.   He had already granted me carte blanch.

CONAN DOYLE
Yes, of course.

WENTWORTH
That is how I found out about Ian Douglas and BRIDGITTE.   I had planted bugs all over the house to catch possible conversations between MARGARET Douglas and her lover…

CONAN DOYLE
Instead you picked up details of the affair of Ian Douglas and the maid.

WENTWORTH
Precisely.

CONAN DOYLE (To Carringbush.)
So, Doctor, the plot thickens.

CONAN DOYLE and CARRINGBUSH walk off stage and WENTWORTH returns to reading his book while the curtain closes.

END OF ACT TWO:

ACT THREE:
Set in Ian Douglas’s bedroom.   The room is large.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE is on stage going through the room as CONAN DOYLE and CARRINGBUSH walk onto stage.

CONAN DOYLE
Ah Commissioner, still doing your own leg work I see.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
Just sifting through what the leg men have turned up.

CARRINGBUSH
The evidence, eh what?

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
Very astute, Doctor.   Yes, the evidence.

CONAN DOYLE
Very substantial is it?

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
On the contrary, Mr. CONAN DOYLE.   Very little at all.   But I think we have enough to hold up in court.

LESTRADE walks over to the dressing table, followed by CONAN DOYLE and CARRINGBUSH.

CARRINGBUSH
The murder weapon, eh?

He starts to pick up the gun, but then stops himself.

CARRINGBUSH
Shouldn’t touch it, I suppose?   Might smudge any fingerprints.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
Help yourself, Doctor.   The lab boys have already been over it.

CONAN DOYLE
And?

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
Nothing.

CONAN DOYLE
No fingerprints, eh?   What a pity.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
Still, we know that the gun belongs to ANDREW Douglas.

CONAN DOYLE
But he claims that the gun went missing a month prior to the killing.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
He told us that, too.   But it will never stand up in a court of law.

CONAN DOYLE reaches forward and picks up a white glove from the dressing table.

CONAN DOYLE
And what is the significance of this to the killing?

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
Nothing, as far as I know.

CARRINGBUSH peers at the glove.

CARRINGBUSH
A white glove, eh?   Right hand.

CONAN DOYLE
Then why is it with the gun?

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
It was turned up by a constable while looking through the dead man’s clothing.   We put it there an the off chance that it might be important.

CONAN DOYLE
Did you question the maid about it?

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
Yes, she doesn’t know anything about it.   Just says the other glove must have got itself lost somehow.

CONAN DOYLE takes a close look at the glove.

CONAN DOYLE
And yet it is nearly brand new, by the look of it.

LESTRADE takes a look at the glove, then scratches his head in puzzlement.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
Why so it is.   I never noticed.   Do you think that it is important

CONAN DOYLE
Perhaps.   Perhaps not.   But it is worth noting.

He returns the glove to the dressing table.

CONAN DOYLE
Nothing else?

LESTRADE scratches his head, thinking.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
Well, there’s the glass.

He leads CONAN DOYLE and CARRINGBUSH over to the left hand side of the set, half way to the back of the stage.

CONAN DOYLE
The broken window glass.   We figure that this is how the killer got in.   Through the window.

CARRINGBUSH
On the second storey?

CONAN DOYLE stoops to examine the glass.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
Well, if you’d care to take a look, Doctor, you will see that there is a great Elm tree right outside the window.

CARRINGBUSH
An Elm tree, eh?

CONAN DOYLE straightens up again, and takes a brief look out the window.

CONAN DOYLE
So you theorise that ANDREW Douglas climbed up the Elm tree, smashed in the window, stepped through and killed his brother, climbed out again, and back down the tree, then made his escape.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
That’s what it looks like.

CONAN DOYLE
Does it really?   LESTRADE, you amaze me.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
Thank you, Mr. CONAN DOYLE.

CARRINGBUSH
He didn’t mean it as a compliment.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE gives CARRINGBUSH a hard look.

CONAN DOYLE
There are only three things wrong with that theory, LESTRADE.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
Three things?

CARRINGBUSH
Only three?   I could think of dozens.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE gives him another hard look.

CONAN DOYLE
Firstly, why did ANDREW Douglas bother to go to all of that trouble when he could have simply knocked on the door and have been admitted by his brother?

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
Because he did not want the maid to see him enter.

CONAN DOYLE
And yet he left his revolver behind so that she could identify it, after having shown it to his brother in her presence?

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
Very careless of him.

CONAN DOYLE
Yes, unbelievably so…
(Half a beat.)
Secondly, how could he have climbed out and down the tree again without being observed?   Surely the gunshot would have awakened the entire neighbourhood.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE scratches his head, pondering.

CARRINGBUSH
And the third point?

CONAN DOYLE
If you examine this glass…

They all stoop to examine it.

CONAN DOYLE
You will notice from the way that it has fallen to the side of the room that the window could not possibly have been closed when the window was broken.

IN UNISON:

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE (Shocked.)
What?

CARRINGBUSH (Shocked.)
What?

END OF UNISON:

CONAN DOYLE
Clearly the window had to have been broken from inside the room.   If you notice this window opens inwards instead of outwards, or upwards as most windows do.

CARRINGBUSH
So someone could stand behind it, while inside the room…

CONAN DOYLE
Exactly.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
Then it had to have been broken by the killer after the murder was committed?

CONAN DOYLE
A fair assumption.   It is rather unlikely that Ian Douglas would have just stood by and watched while his killer went through such an elaborate rigmarole.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
But all of this points towards ANDREW Douglas, not away from him.

CONAN DOYLE
How so?

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
Well, if he had been admitted by his brother, it would be in his interests to make it appear as though the killer had climbed in through the window.   More so than anyone else at least.

CONAN DOYLE
LESTRADE, you’re brilliant, absolutely brilliant! …
(Half a beat.)
And I am an idiot!

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
Well, there’s no need for sarcasm.

CONAN DOYLE
That’s it, of course.   Why didn’t I see it before?

He ponders for a few seconds, then turns to CARRINGBUSH.

CONAN DOYLE
Well Doctor, all of the pieces are finally starting to come together.

CARRINGBUSH
What?   Well, I have to confess that I am completely in the dark.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE (To Conan Doyle.)
Then you can prove that ANDREW Douglas killed his brother?

CONAN DOYLE
On the contrary, Commissioner.   I believe that I can prove that he did not.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
What?   But…
(Half a beat.)
Well go on.   Don’t keep us in the dark.

CONAN DOYLE
Not yet, LESTRADE.   Be patient.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
Well, I hope you realise that withholding evidence from the police is a criminal offence.

CONAN DOYLE
I am not withholding evidence, LESTRADE, merely delaying presenting it.   I think first I will need to have a word or two with the maid, BRIDGITTE.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
The maid?   But what has she…

CONAN DOYLE
Don’t you see, Commissioner?   If the killer did not come in through the window, then he must have entered through the door…

CARRINGBUSH
Ergo the maid must have seen him!

CONAN DOYLE
You would certainly think so.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
Yet she says she saw no one!

CONAN DOYLE
Precisely, LESTRADE.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
Well, well.   We will certainly have to have another word with our Miss BRIDGITTE.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE starts to walk off stage.

CONAN DOYLE
Oh, before you leave, Commissioner…

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE stops and looks back.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
Yes?

CONAN DOYLE
I have been meaning to ask about the state of this room.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
State of the room?   But apart from the broken glass the room is in perfect order.

CONAN DOYLE
Exactly.   I wondered what state the room was in before you had it tidied up?

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
Tidied up?   But we haven’t touched the room.   Well, other than to search through it.

CONAN DOYLE
You haven’t touched it…
(Pondering For A Few Seconds.)
Then there were no signs of a struggle between Ian Douglas and his assailant?

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
No, none…
(He Considers For A Moment.)
Except that the dead man’s left hand was partly clenched, as though to hit out at someone.

LESTRADE walks off stage while CONAN DOYLE ponders over what he has been told.

CARRINGBUSH
So the maid killed him?

CONAN DOYLE
I’ll reserve my suspicions until we have spoken to her.   But no, BRIDGITTE did not kill Ian Douglas.

CARRINGBUSH
Yet you know who did?

CONAN DOYLE
I believe so.

CARRINGBUSH
Well, I can only repeat that I am in the dark.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE and BRIDGITTE walk onto stage.

CONAN DOYLE
Now BRIDGITTE, there is no need to be nervous, I just want to ask you a few questions.

BRIDGITTE
Yes, Mr. HOLMES.

CONAN DOYLE
I believe that you were the one who found the body of Ian Douglas?

BRIDGITTE
Yes sir.   It was my custom to bring Mr Douglas his breakfast in bed…

CONAN DOYLE and CARRINGBUSH exchange glances.

BRIDGITTE
That’s how he liked it…
(Half a beat.)
On that morning, however, I was unable to rouse Mr Douglas after knocking repeatedly upon the door.   So I used my spare key to enter…
(Half a beat.)
I have a spare key to all of the rooms so that I am able to dust them at any time.   I entered the room and found Mr Douglas dead on the floor.

CONAN DOYLE
So what did you do?

BRIDGITTE
I hurried downstairs to telephone the police.

CONAN DOYLE
Still carrying the breakfast tray?

BRIDGITTE
Pardon, Mr HOLMES?

CONAN DOYLE
Superintendent…
(Half a beat.)
Commissioner Lestrade has stated that the bedroom has not been tidied since the body was found.   Since there are no spilt breakfast utensils on the floor, you must have carried the tray back downstairs.

BRIDGITTE (Looking Puzzled.)
Oh, yes, yes, I did.

CONAN DOYLE ponders this for a few seconds.

CONAN DOYLE
You said that you ran downstairs to telephone the police?

BRIDGITTE
Yes, that is right.

CONAN DOYLE
But there is a telephone right there.

He points to the telephone on the bedside table.

BRIDGITTE
I thought it would be best not to touch anything in the room until the police arrived.

CONAN DOYLE
In case you destroyed any evidence?

BRIDGITTE
Yes, Mr HOLMES.

CONAN DOYLE
Such as fingerprints on the telephone?

BRIDGITTE
Yes, Mr HOLMES.

CONAN DOYLE
That was very level-headed of you.   Most women would have been too hysterical to think so clearly after finding their employer dead on his bedroom floor.

BRIDGITTE (Hesitantly.)
Thank you, Mr HOLMES.

CONAN DOYLE goes over to the bed and picks up the gun from the dressing table.

CONAN DOYLE
This is the murder weapon, BRIDGITTE?

BRIDGITTE
Yes, Mr. HOLMES.

CONAN DOYLE
Which you identified as belonging to ANDREW Douglas.

BRIDGITTE
Yes, Mr. HOLMES.

CONAN DOYLE
How could you be so certain?

BRIDGITTE
Because I saw Mr. ANDREW show the gun to his brother when he first purchased it.

CONAN DOYLE
How long ago was that?

BRIDGITTE
About two years.

CONAN DOYLE and LESTRADE exchange glances.

CONAN DOYLE
And yet you were able to positively identify it?

BRIDGITTE
I have a very good memory for things like that.

CONAN DOYLE
Things like what?   Like guns?

BRIDGITTE (Flustered.)
No, no, Mr. HOLMES, that’s not what I meant at all.  …
(Half a beat.)
Besides you can see ANDREW Douglas’s initials, A.D., in the handle of the gun.   That was one thing that he pointed out to his brother when he showed him the gun.

CONAN DOYLE looks at the handle, nods, then puts it down and picks up the white glove.

CONAN DOYLE
What do you make of this, BRIDGITTE?

BRIDGITTE
It is one of Mr. Douglas’s gloves.

CONAN DOYLE
Do you know what has become of its partner?

BRIDGITTE
No, Mr. HOLMES.

CONAN DOYLE
And yet this is a nearly brand new glove.   Surely its partner could not be lost already?

BRIDGITTE
I don’t know, Mr. HOLMES.

He puts down the glove and walks over to the broken glass on the floor.

CONAN DOYLE
What do you make of this?

BRIDGITTE walks over and looks at it.

BRIDGITTE
Broken window glass.

CONAN DOYLE
Made by the killer climbing in through the window?

BRIDGITTE
Yes, Mr. HOLMES.

CONAN DOYLE
How can you be so sure?

BRIDGITTE
I only assumed…

CONAN DOYLE
You assumed?

BRIDGITTE
Why, I…
(Half a beat.)
Isn’t that what the police believe?

CONAN DOYLE
Not at all.   We have established that the window was broken from the inside after Ian Douglas was already dead.

BRIDGITTE
What?   But how did the killer get into the room then?

CONAN DOYLE
The same way as we did.   Through the door.

BRIDGITTE
Through the door?

CONAN DOYLE
That is correct.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
Which brings us to the question of how he got in and out again without being detected by you?

BRIDGITTE
Why, I…
(Half a beat.)
I do not know.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
A likely story.

CONAN DOYLE
Indeed, LESTRADE, if Miss BRIDGITTE was already in bed asleep.   If she was able to sleep through the gunshot, it is most unlikely that the sound of mere footsteps would have disturbed her.

BRIDGITTE
Yes, Mr. HOLMES.   I am a very sound sleeper.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
A very sound sleeper!

BRIDGITTE
Yes, Commissioner.
(Turning Back Toward Conan Doyle.)
Will that be all, Mr. HOLMES?

CONAN DOYLE
Yes.   For now.

She turns and starts to leave.

CONAN DOYLE
Oh yes.   Can you think of any reason why ANDREW Douglas would have wanted to kill his brother?

She stops and looks back.

BRIDGITTE
No, Mr. HOLMES.   But I did hear them quarrelling about a month ago.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
Quarrelling, eh?

BRIDGITTE
Yes, Commissioner.

CONAN DOYLE
Do you know what about?

BRIDGITTE
No, Mr. HOLMES.   I am not in the habit of listening in to other people’s conversations.

CONAN DOYLE
That will be all then.

BRIDGITTE walks toward the back of the stage and is about to leave.

CONAN DOYLE
Oh yes, there was one last thing.

She stops and looks back.

BRIDGITTE
Yes, Mr. HOLMES?

CONAN DOYLE
Was Ian Douglas left-handed?

BRIDGITTE (Puzzled.)
Yes, Mr. HOLMES.

She turns back and walks off stage.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE (Puzzled.)
Left-banded?
(Scratching His Head.)
What in the world made you ask that?

CONAN DOYLE
Logically he had to be left handed.   Simple deduction.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
Deduction?   Well I have to admit that I am completely baffled by your line of enquiry, Mr. CONAN DOYLE.

CONAN DOYLE
Elementary, LESTRADE.   I am simply trying to fit together all the pieces of the puzzle.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
Pieces of the puzzle?   I go by facts, Mr. CONAN DOYLE; clues, not by puzzles.

CONAN DOYLE
All facts are pieces of the puzzle, LESTRADE.   The puzzle of who killed Ian Douglas.   I believe I know the answer, and it certainly was not ANDREW Douglas.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
Then who was it?

CONAN DOYLE
Before I can tell you that with absolute confidence, I will need to have a word with MARGARET Douglas.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
Oh all right.

He goes off stage to look for MARGARET Douglas while CONAN DOYLE and
CARRINGBUSH return to the bedside table.

A few seconds later LESTRADE and MARGARET Douglas walk onto stage.

MARGARET DOUGLAS
Mr. HOLMES.   Are you any nearer to clearing ANDREW DOUGLAS?

CARRINGBUSH
Nearer, he reckons he’s solved it.

MARGARET DOUGLAS
Solved it?   Then you can clear ANDREW DOUGLAS?

CONAN DOYLE
I believe so.   But there are still a few loose ends that I would like your help with.

MARGARET DOUGLAS
Anything, Mr. HOLMES.   Anything at all if it will help to clear ANDREW.

CONAN DOYLE
Well, to start with…
(He Picks Up The Gun.)
This is ANDREW DOUGLAS’s gun?

MARGARET DOUGLAS
Yes.

CONAN DOYLE
Was it his custom to always carry the gun about with him?

MARGARET DOUGLAS
Whenever he went outside, yes.

CONAN DOYLE ponders that for a few seconds.

CONAN DOYLE
When was the last time that you can recall seeing the gun?

MARGARET DOUGLAS
About a month ago.

CONAN DOYLE
And then ANDREW noticed the loss of the gun?

MARGARET DOUGLAS
About two days after visiting Ian.

CONAN DOYLE
Did he report the loss of the gun to the police at the time?

MARGARET DOUGLAS
Yes.   But not until he had searched the house top to bottom to make certain that he had not merely mislaid it.

CONAN DOYLE turns toward COMMISSIONER LESTRADE.

CONAN DOYLE
Is that true?

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
Yes…
(Hesitating For A Few Seconds.)
But if he was already planning to murder his brother, it would have been common sense to report the gun missing.

CONAN DOYLE
To cover his tracks?

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
Yes, of course.

MARGARET DOUGLAS
But he is innocent.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
We would like to believe you, Mrs. Douglas.   But I am afraid that the evidence is stacked pretty heavily against your brother-in-law.

CONAN DOYLE
Nonsense, LESTRADE.   There is no evidence against ANDREW Douglas.   In fact, quite to the contrary.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE stares and scratches his head in bewilderment.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
I wish that you wouldn’t keep saying that, unless you intend proving it.

CONAN DOYLE looks from COMMISSIONER LESTRADE to CARRINGBUSH, to MARGARET Douglas, then back to LESTRADE.

CONAN DOYLE
Very well then, LESTRADE.   If you will call back the maid, BRIDGITTE, I think it is time that I laid my cards on the table.

MARGARET DOUGLAS (Puzzled.)
BRIDGITTE?   What has she…

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE walks off stage and returns a few seconds later followed by BRIDGITTE.

MARGARET Douglas walks over to the dressing table where CONAN DOYLE and CARRINGBUSH are standing.

LESTRADE leads BRIDGITTE over also.

BRIDGITTE is noticeably disturbed and looks as though she might turn and flee at any second, except that LESTRADE has a hand on her left shoulder, restraining her.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
Well, it looks like we’re all here, so perhaps you would care to enlighten us now, Mr. CONAN DOYLE.

IN UNISON:

MARGARET DOUGLAS
Conan Doyle!

BRIDGITTE
Conan Doyle!

END OF UNISON:

MARGARET DOUGLAS
But I thought that you were SHERLOCK HOLMES?

CONAN DOYLE turns toward MARGARET Douglas.

CONAN DOYLE
Yes, I am sorry for that lie.   SHERLOCK HOLMES is an associate of mine.   He was…
(Half a beat.)
Indisposed when you called, so since you seemed more confident taking me for SHERLOCK HOLMES, there seemed no reason to disillusion you.

CARRINGBUSH
Well, come along, CONAN DOYLE, we’re all ears, you know.

CONAN DOYLE
Not yet, old fellow, be patient for a few more moments.   There is still one person missing.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
What?

Scratching his head for a few seconds, then he looks up with a flash of inspiration on his face.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
You mean Ian Douglas isn’t really dead…
(Half a beat.)
Like in the Case of the Five Orange Pips that I solved!

CONAN DOYLE
You solved?

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
Er, well…
(Half a beat.)
Mr. HOLMES and I.

CONAN DOYLE
No, Ian Douglas is quite dead, have no fear of that.

There is a noise at the back of the stage and everyone turns to see ANDREW Douglas walk onto stage.

ANDREW DOUGLAS sees MARGARET DOUGLAS and hurries over to her.   They hug and he kisses her.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
Hey, how did he get here?

CONAN DOYLE
I sent for him.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
You sent for him?

Scratching his head in bewilderment.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
But I’m in charge of this case.   He’s my prisoner.

CONAN DOYLE
I’m sorry,

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE, but I went over your head.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
Over my head?
(Turning Toward Andrew Douglas.)
How did you get past the police officers downstairs?

ANDREW DOUGLAS
I showed them this…

He reaches into his shirt pocket and takes out a note which he gives to
COMMISSIONER LESTRADE who reads it.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
Signed Mycroft HOLMES!
(Turning Toward Conan Doyle.)
Blimey, you did go over my head.

CONAN DOYLE
Well, if we are all ready, perhaps I can explain to you now how Ian Douglas met his demise.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
Yes, how did he die?   If he wasn’t murdered by his brother, then who did murder him?

CONAN DOYLE
No one.

IN UNISON:

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE/ANDREW DOUGLAS/
MARGARET DOUGLAS/CARRINGBUSH
What?

END OF UNISON:

CONAN DOYLE
That’s right.   No one murdered Ian Douglas.   Unless you consider suicide to be self-murder.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
Suicide?   But why would he have committed suicide?

CONAN DOYLE
To get back at his wife and brother for their love affair.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
What?   You mean ANDREW and MARGARET DOUGLAS…

CONAN DOYLE
That’s right, COMMISSIONER LESTRADE.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
Still, I can understand a man being enraged by his wife and brother having an affair on the side.   But killing yourself is hardly an effective way to get revenge.

CONAN DOYLE
It is if you are already dying of Elephantiasis, a particularly agonising way to die, and you can arrange it to look like murder; can arrange it so that your wife’s lover is the obvious suspect.

CARRINGBUSH
Sort of killing two birds with the one stone, eh what?

CONAN DOYLE
Exactly, old fellow.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE scratches his head in deep thought.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
But wait on.   How did he get the gun?

ANDREW DOUGLAS
That’s right.   I was with him the entire time the night that I visited Ian.   There is no way that he could have taken the gun.

CONAN DOYLE looks toward BRIDGITTE.

CONAN DOYLE
But you could have.   Couldn’t you, BRIDGITTE?

BRIDGITTE
Me!

CONAN DOYLE
That’s right.   You had every opportunity to take the gun.   You relieved ANDREW of his hat and coat when he arrived, then returned them when he departed.

BRIDGITTE
But why should I take the gun?

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
Yes, what did she have to gain by it?

CONAN DOYLE
Seeing her lover achieve revenge, and seeing him out of his agony.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
Her lover?

BRIDGITTE is looking extremely nervous.

CONAN DOYLE
That’s right, LESTRADE.   Shortly after we were called in to investigate, MARGARET Douglas received a note from a Mr. WENTWORTH.   The man Ian Douglas hired to follow her.   It seems Mr. WENTWORTH is a very good private detective.   He not only obtained proof of MARGARET Douglas’s affair with her brother-in-law, but also Ian Douglas’s affair with his maid.

BRIDGITTE
He’s a liar!

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
Can he prove it in court?

CONAN DOYLE
Oh yes, he has tape recordings he made of the couple together.

All eyes turn toward BRIDGITTE.

BRIDGITTE
So what if I was his lover?   That doesn’t prove that I helped him kill himself!

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
No, it doesn’t.

CONAN DOYLE turns toward COMMISSIONER LESTRADE.

CONAN DOYLE
But it gives her a reason to.   It also explains how Ian Douglas obtained his brother’s gun.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
But proof CONAN DOYLE.   We’ve got to have proof that he killed himself.

CONAN DOYLE
And we do: the gun, clean of prints, the right hand glove…

He picks the glove up from the table and puts it down again.

CONAN DOYLE
And the broken window glass…

Pointing back toward the glass on the floor.

CONAN DOYLE
Broken from the inside in such a way as to make it appear, at first glance, as though it had been broken from the outside.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
But how do these prove he killed himself?

CONAN DOYLE
Quite simply.   To begin with, the gun is clean of prints because Ian Douglas wore a glove, a white glove.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
But that’s a right hand glove!

MARGARET DOUGLAS
And Ian was left-handed.

CONAN DOYLE
Yes, this is the partner of the one he wore.   After he shot himself, wearing the left hand glove to prevent leaving fingerprints on the gun, BRIDGITTE carefully removed the gun from his hand, then removed the glove and destroyed it or threw it away.   What she forgot to do was destroy its partner.

CARRINGBUSH
But if he had a gun in his hand when he died, his fist…

He stops to think.

CONAN DOYLE turns to CARRINGBUSH.

CONAN DOYLE
Exactly, and his fist was clenched…
(Turning Toward Lestrade.)
As you said, COMMISSIONER LESTRADE, ‘As though to hit out at someone’.   In reality, it was from gripping the gun when he died.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
Yes…
(Scratching His Chin.)
Yes, that would explain it.

MARGARET DOUGLAS
But what about the broken window glass?   What was the point behind that?

CONAN DOYLE
To make LESTRADE suspect ANDREW DOUGLAS.   Ian and BRIDGITTE took it for granted that we would see through that ruse.   It was intended that we should.   So that when we did, the natural suspect would be ANDREW Douglas who could have been admitted by his brother or even had his own set of keys to the house.   And in whose interest it would have been to make it appear as though the killer came in through the window.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
Ah, now I understand.
(Turning Toward Bridgitte.)
Well, young lady, what have you got to say for yourself?

BRIDGITTE breaks down and starts crying.

BRIDGITTE
Yes, yes, all right it’s true.   at is exactly how we did it.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE grabs
BRIDGITTE by the right hand and starts leading her off stage.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
All right my girl, come along with me…
(Half a beat.)
This will be another feather in my cap when they hear down at the Yard how I solved this one.

CARRINGBUSH
You solved it?

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE
Er, well with some help from Mr. CONAN DOYLE.

COMMISSIONER LESTRADE and BRIDGITTE walk off stage.

MARGARET DOUGLAS
What will they do to her?

CONAN DOYLE
Well, unless ANDREW decides to press charges against her, she’ll probably get away with a suspended sentence.

ANDREW DOUGLAS
No, I have no wish to hurt her.   I’m just thankful to be free.

MARGARET DOUGLAS and ANDREW hug and kiss, and CONAN DOYLE turns to CARRINGBUSH.

CONAN DOYLE
Come along, old fellow.   I think it’s about time we were going.

CARRINGBUSH takes his match out of his fob pocket and glances at it.

CARRINGBUSH
Yes, indeed it’s…
(Half a beat.)
My goodness, it’s after 4 a.m. I hadn’t realised it was so late.

He returns the watch to the fob pocket and he and CONAN DOYLE begin to leave.

MARGARET DOUGLAS
But you must allow me to pay you for your services, Mr. HOLMES…
(Half a beat.)
I mean Mr. CONAN DOYLE.

ANDREW DOUGLAS
Conan Doyle?

CONAN DOYLE
Your happiness is payment enough.

ANDREW DOUGLAS
(To Margaret Douglas.)
I thought he was SHERLOCK HOLMES?

MARGARET DOUGLAS
Well, so did I…

END OF ACT THREE:

END OF PLAY:
© COPYRIGHT 2010
Philip Roberts

THE DOCTOR: Thirties, tall, willowy redhead

THE DOCTOR #2: Thirties, tall, willowy redhead

TURDLOW: Sixteen-year-old redheaded boy

TURDLOW #2: Sixteen-year-old redheaded boy

SWAN-LI: Vietnamese girl, in mid teens travelling with the Doctor

SWAN-LI #2: Vietnamese girl, in mid teens travelling with the Doctor

PETITE TOOTS, JESSIE: Eleven-year-old American girl

BRIGADIER ALEXANDER RIGHTBRIDGE-STUPID: Fifties or
sixties, tall, moustachioed man

JAYNE GRUNT: Blonde bimbo assistant of Doctor

CAPTAIN MIKE BATES: Thirty-something

PRIVATE WILSON

FIDO: Giant dinosaur, befriended by the Doctor

ARAB RIDING CAMEL THROUGH RETARDIS

ENGLISH PRIME MINISTER

ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER

2ND ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR

3RD ICE-CREAM WARRIOR

STAGE COMEDIAN

EMCEE

TURKISH DELIGHT

1ST MAN IN AUDIENCE

2ND MAN IN AUDIENCE

3RD MAN IN AUDIENCE

PERSONNEL OFFICER: Mr Hodgekiss

DIRECTOR OF POWER PLANT

ASSISTANT DIRECTOR OF POWER PLANT

SECURITY CHIEF

VOICE OVER INTERCOM

MAN IN DOORWAY

BRASS BAND LEADER

BRASS BAND LEADER #2

BAND MEMEBER WHO HITS SWAN-LI

VOICE OF NARRATOR

VOICE OF RETARDIS’S COMPUTER

SMETHURST: Time-Dork dress like accountant

1ST BULLY

2ND BULLY

3RD BULLY

4TH BULLY

MEGAN: Short, brunette in early twenties

KING OF THE DINGLEBERRY TRIBE

PRINCE OF THE DINGLEBERRY TRIBE

WITCH DOCTOR

MOTHER OF THE KING: Ancient woman

EXTRAS
other Arabs on camels; other troops firing at dinosaur at Eunuch command; other Ice-Cream Warriors; people in audience; soldiers at R.A.F. base; senior ministers playing Scrabble; staff at power station; security officers; members of brass band; two dozen Beefeaters

CROWDS
People on Brighton beach;

INTERIOR SETS
RETARDIS
— consul room
— Doctor’s bedroom
— corridors

CAVE NETWORK

EUNUCH HQ, LONDON
— Brigadier’s office
— Brigadier’s temporary office

TEN DOWNING STREET
— PM’s Office

THEATRE
— stage and audience area
— backstage

NUCLEAR POWER STATION
— control room

ARCTIC BASE
— entrance hall
— corridors
— prison room
— missile-guidance room

EXTERIOR LOCATIONS
RED SANDY DESERT

M1, LONDON

BRIGHTON BEACH

FOREST

EUNUCH HQ, LONDON
— lawns outside building

R.A.F. BASE
— runway
— dirt verge ringed by wire-fence

NUCLEAR POWER STATION
— grounds full of buildings

ARCTIC CIRCLE
— mountain with base atop it

OPEN FIELD

COAL KUND SCHOOL
— play ground

TEASER:

FADE IN:
INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — LIT

TURDLOW is watching the DOCTOR adjusting the controls.

The DOCTOR is a tall, shapely redhead, and is a scientist, qualified in seemingly every field.   She is a bit sarcastic and is notoriously clumsy.   She always carries a huge cloth bag on her left arm.

TURDLOW is a redhead, about sixteen, a bit of a braggart, yet a coward at heart.   The two traits mean he gets beaten up fairly regularly.

TURDLOW
Where to now, Doc?

THE DOCTOR
Where would you like to go?

TURDLOW
How about having a day at the seaside?

THE DOCTOR
Sounds good to me.

She adjusts the co-ordinates and the Retardis lurches wildly, tossing them both to the floor.

INT. CONSUL ROOM — LIT — TWENTY MINUTES LATER
There is no one in the consul room.

OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY, then a lurch as the Retardis lands and MOTOR STOPS.

TURDLOW O/S
Come on, Doc, sounds like we’ve landed.

THE DOCTOR (Singing.)
“Oh I do like to be beside the seaside….”

FOOTSTEPS OUTSIDE, in corridor RHS of SHOT.
The Doctor and Turdlow walk into the consul room, now both singing.

Turdlow is wearing skimpy bathing trunks and a pair of thongs with a beach towel slung over his left shoulder.

The Doctor is now wearing dark sunglasses, a bright red, one-piece swimsuit, thongs, and is dangling her huge cloth bag from her left arm, carrying an inflated beach ball in her right hand.

THE DOCTOR (Singing.)
“Oh I do like to be beside the seaside….”

TURDLOW/THE DOCTOR (Singing.)
“Oh I do like to be beside the sea….”

They continue singing as they walk across the consul room.

EXT. RED SANDY DESERT — DAY — RETARDIS’ DOOR OPENS
and the Doctor and Turdlow march out still singing.

TURDLOW/THE DOCTOR (Singing.)
“Oh I do like to be beside the seaside….”

Turdlow stops singing and looks about the desert in amazement.

THE DOCTOR (Singing.)
“Oh I do like to be beside the….”

The Doctor removes her sunglasses, and looks round at the surrounding countryside, a red sandy desert.

THE DOCTOR (Shocked.)
Sea…?

TURDLOW (Puzzled.)
Doctor, I thought you said this was Brighton Beach?

THE DOCTOR
It is?

TURDLOW (Doubtful.)
Then where’s the ocean?

The Doctor looks about slowly.

360 PAN ROUND to show red sand to the horizon in all directions.

THE DOCTOR (Defensive.)
Well, obviously the tide has gone out.

TURDLOW (Disbelief.)
The tide has gone out?

Turdlow looks about slowly.

360 PAN ROUND to show red sand to the horizon in all directions.

TURDLOW (Insistent.)
Doctor, the tide didn’t go out this far when God parted the Red Sea!

THE DOCTOR (Defensive.)
Trust you to bring religion into this.

RUNNING FOOTSTEPS then half-a-dozen Arabs race toward them riding camels and carrying rifles and long swords.

THE DOCTOR (Shouting.)
Chicken out everybody!

The Doctor & Turdlow turn and race back into the Retardis.

The first Arab ducks his head as he rides his camel into the Retardis.

OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY and the Retardis disappears.

The others Arabs ride straight through where the Retardis was and keep going into the desert.

INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — LIT
The Doctor & Turdlow at the flight consul as the Arab on the camel rides across the room.

TURDLOW (Pointing at Arab.)
Doctor?

Arab rides straight past them and out into the corridor RHS of SHOT.

THE DOCTOR
Never mind about him.   Let’s just get out of here.

GALLOPING FOOTSTEPS receding into the distance.

The Doctor adjusts some controls on the consul.

OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY and the Retardis lurches wildly, pitching the Doctor and Turdlow to the floor.

INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — LIT — A LITTLE LATER
Turdlow is now lying across the consul with the seat belt done up, while the Doctor adjusts the controls.

THE DOCTOR
We’re nearly there.

TURDLOW
Let me adjust the seat belt first.

THE DOCTOR (Glaring at him.)
I resent these woman-driver….

Retardis lands and MOTOR STOPS.

GALLOPING FOOTSTEPS approaching in corridor RHS of SHOT.

Arab races back into consul room riding camel still.   He rides across consul room and straight out the doors.

EXT. M1 HIGHWAY — DAY, PEAK HOUR
The Retardis standing by the kerb as the Arab rides out and races down the highway, making the cars HONK THEIR HORNS at him.

FREEZE FRAME and hold for OPENING CREDITS.

FADE OUT:

END OF TEASER:

ACT ONE:

FADE IN:
EXT. BRIGHTON BEACH — DAY
The Retardis is parked on the sand, surrounded by people enjoying the beach.

The Doctor & Turdlow step out, still dressed in beachwear, the Doctor now also carrying a parasol.

They look about the beach for a moment, and then start walking down toward the kiosk.

TURDLOW
So, Doc, what happened when the Time-Dorks chewed you out for altering time again?

THE DOCTOR (Indignant.)
The Time-Dorks didn’t chew me out.   President Veruka just wanted my advice on how to get rid of the giant snails that had taken over the universe.

TURDLOW
After you had altered time again by killing The Mistress again, prior to having previously killed her.

THE DOCTOR (Embarrassed.)
Er, well, um, yes.   But after we defeated the giant snails and freed the universe, I made them realise it wasn’t my fault.

TURDLOW (Considering a moment.)
You lied to them, in other words.

THE DOCTOR
Er, well, um, exactly.

TURDLOW
So, how exactly did you manage to finally defeat the giant snails?

THE DOCTOR
We got some giant French men to eat them all…
(Half a beat.)
With giant garlic bread and chilled Chardonnay.

The Doctor keeps walking toward the kiosk; but Turdlow stops and stares after her.

TURDLOW (Indignant.)
Doctor, you can’t possibly think I’m dumb enough to believe that!

THE DOCTOR (Innocent.)
Oh, can’t I…?
(Half a beat.)
I mean, no, of course I can’t.

Turdlow continues to glare at her for a moment, then turns and walks back toward the Retardis.

INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — LIT
Turdlow walks in from doors LHS of SHOT.

TURDLOW (Mumbling to himself.)
They got some giant French men to eat them all with giant garlic bread and chilled Chardonnay.   God she has great respect for my I.Q.

He starts fiddling with the Retardis controls and after a moment a large viewer screen on the wall behind him comes on to show people playing on the sand and swimming in the sea.

In the distance a faint speck is bobbing about in the water.

TURDLOW (Peering at viewer screen.)
What is that, a shark?

He starts adjusting consul controls so viewer will focus in on the object.

EXT. BRIGHTON BEACH — DAY — PEOPLE SWIMMING
in the distance a young Vietnamese girl, Swan-Li is bobbing about, clearly out of her depths.

SWAN-LI is about sixteen, short, a bit of a bimbo, but braver than some of the Doctor’s other companions.

SWAN-LI (Shouting.)
Help!   Someone help me!

She swallows some water and starts to sink.

INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — LIT — TURDLOW
watching Swan-Li on viewer screen.

TURDLOW (Shaking head.)
Chicks, they can’t even go for a swim without getting into trouble.

He races across to the door and out of the Retardis.

EXT. BEACH — DAY — TURDLOW
races out of the Retardis and across to the water.

EXT. OCEAN — DAY — SWAN-LI
is going down for the count when Turdlow reaches her.

He grabs her around the chest, turns over onto his back to support her head above water and starts slowly paddling back to shore.

EXT. BEACH — DAY — TURDLOW & SWAN-LI
reach the shallow water.

Turdlow picks up Swan-Li and carries her across to the sand and into the Retardis.

EXT. BEACH, NEAR KIOSK — DAY — THE DOCTOR
is sitting on a collapsible chair beside a round table, with a large beach umbrella shading her.

She is wearing dark sunglasses and sipping coffee.

Turdlow walks up the beach from LHS of SHOT scanning his head left to right along the beach looking for someone.

Seeing the Doctor he races across to her.

TURDLOW
Doctor?

THE DOCTOR (Without looking up.)
Yes?

TURDLOW
I’ve just picked up a young Asian girl.

THE DOCTOR (Annoyed.)
Well, good luck to you.   Get inside her as soon as you can.
(She sips her coffee.)
Why are you telling me?   Your sexual habits are of no interest to me.   I’m not the U.S. Congress.   I don’t spend forty-million dollars of taxpayer’s money impeaching people over their sexual conquests.

TURDLOW (Frustrated.)
No, no, you ginger-headed geekess.   I meant she was drowning and I saved her.

THE DOCTOR (Removing her sunglasses.)
Well, where is she now?

TURDLOW
She’s relaxing in Petite Toots’s old room.

THE DOCTOR (Standing.)
Oh, I see.   Perhaps I’d better find out how she is.

TURDLOW
Don’t ask me, I haven’t had her yet.

THE DOCTOR (Glaring at him.)
Shut up, and lead the way.

They start off down the beach to LHS of SHOT at a fast walk.

INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — LIT — SWAN-LI
still in a swimsuit is looking about the consul room in amazement.

SWAN-LI (Amazed.)
Where the hell am I?

FOOTSTEPS OUTSIDE then Turdlow and the Doctor enter through doors LHS of SHOT.

Swan-Li backs away in fright as she sees them.

SWAN-LI
Who…
(Half a beat.)
Who are you people, and what am I doing here.

TURDLOW
My name is Turdlow.
(Pointing at her.)
And the redhead with the terrible dress-sense is called Sarah Ferguson…
(Half a beat.)
I mean, the Doctor.

He holds his right hand out toward Swan-Li, but she backs away toward the viewer-screen.

THE DOCTOR (Glaring at him.)
How dare you…?
(Half a beat.)
I always thought Sarah Ferguson had great dress sense.

TURDLOW (To Swan-Li)
That explains everything.

THE DOCTOR (Glaring at him.)
How dare you…?

SWAN-LI
What is this place, and how did I get here?

TURDLOW
You were drowning, so I saved you and carried you in here.

SWAN-LI (Puzzled.)
Yes…
(Half a beat.)
Yes, I remember now.   I had gone out too far and couldn’t get back to shore.   I called and called for help.   But no one seemed to hear me.
(Half a beat.)
Then I remember you grabbing me by the breasts and starting to drag me towards shore.

The Doctor turns to stare at Turdlow.

TURDLOW (Defensive.)
Hey they were her most prominent features; no naturally I grabbed them.

THE DOCTOR
It wouldn’t have mattered if she were built like Twiggy, you still would have grabbed her there.

Turdlow looks indignant, but doesn’t dare refute this.

THE DOCTOR (To Swan-Li/Waving hands round.)
This is the Retardis.   My time-and-space machine.

SWAN-LI (Disbelief.)
Your time-and-space machine?

The Doctor walks across to the consul and operates a few controls.

THE DOCTOR
Yes, see that’s the viewer-screen behind you.

As it activates Swan-Li turns around and peers out.

On the screen for just a second is the hideous face of a green dinosaur.

SWAN-LI (Pointing at screen.)
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

TURDLOW (Puzzled.)
What’s wrong.

Turdlow & the Doctor look at the screen on which can now be seen the ocean.

SWAN-LI (Hysterical.)
Oh my God, I just saw a horrible face looking back at me.

THE DOCTOR
Then shut your vanity case.

TURDLOW
Yes, you can take modesty too far you know.

SWAN-LI (Frustrated.)
No, I meant I saw a dinosaur.

The Doctor & Turdlow exchange a puzzled look.

THE DOCTOR (Disbelief.)
A dinosaur?

TURDLOW
Here, on Brighton beach?

THE DOCTOR
Don’t be silly, they’re out of season.

SWAN-LI (Angry.)
Don’t patronise me, I tell you I saw a dinosaur on that screen thing.
(Pointing at it.)

THE DOCTOR
Don’t be ridiculous.   That would violate the known Laws of Nature…
(Half a beat.)
Which by their very nature are inviolable…
(Half a beat.)
That’s why they’re called the Laws of Nature.

SWAN-LI
I don’t care!   I tell you I saw a giant dinosaur look at me through that screen thing.
(Pointing at viewer screen.)

THE DOCTOR
But you…
(Frustrated sigh.)
Oh, all right, I’ll prove it to you.   Come on, Turdlow, let’s go find the dinosaur.

Chuckling at Swan-Li’s expense, Turdlow & the Doctor head across toward the door LHS of SHOT.

After a moment’s hesitation, Swan-Li follows them.

EXT. BEACH, NEAR RETARDIS — DAY — THE DOCTOR,
Turdlow, and Swan-Li step out and start walking along
the beach, back toward the kiosk.

In front of them people are still relaxing on the beach.

THE DOCTOR (Pointing at them.)
See, now would people be lazing on the sun and building sand castles if there was a giant, green dino…?

LOUD THUMP!   THUMP!   THUMPING! and they are thrown to the sand.

People start screaming and running about wildly.

TURDLOW (Terrified.)
Oh my God, an Earthquake!

THE DOCTOR
Let’s get back to the Retardis.

They climb to their feet with difficulty and turn round and see the head of a giant, green dinosaur leaning over the Retardis, glaring at them.

SWAN-LI (Smugly.)
See, I told you it was a giant, green dinosaur.

THE DOCTOR
Shut up gloating, and…
(Cupping hands over mouth/Shouting.)
chicken out everybody!

The Doctor and Swan-Li spin round and see Turdlow running for his life fifty metres ahead of them.

THE DOCTOR (Shouting.)
Wait for us, you great, hairy coward!

The Doctor and Swan-Li start running after Turdlow.

The dinosaur races around the Retardis and starts loping after them.

SWAN-LI
Oh my God, I never was very good at running.

THE DOCTOR
Don’t worry…
(Pointing.)
If we can reach the car park it won’t be able to fit between the cars and we can lose it.

However the dinosaur is much too fast and circles round the side of them to get in front of them, cutting off their escape.

TURDLOW
Oh my God, we can’t get past it.

THE DOCTOR (Between pants.)
We’ll have to try to get back to the Retardis.

SWAN-LI (Between pants.)
Don’t run.   Try backing up slowly.   Then maybe it’ll lose interest in us.

TURDLOW
And chase after the others.

He points past dinosaur to where other people are screaming and running for the car park.

THE DOCTOR
Good idea.   If we sacrifice them, maybe we can get away alive.

The Doctor, Turdlow, & Swan-Li start slowly backing up toward the Retardis.

At first the dinosaur watches them in amazement.

Then after a moment, BELLOWING IN ANGER it starts toward them again.

SWAN-LI
Oh my God, it isn’t going to work.

Swan-Li and the Doctor increase their speed, but Turdlow stands staring at the dinosaur.

THE DOCTOR
Don’t just stand there, Turdlow.

SWAN-LI
Oh God, he’s frozen from terror.

TURDLOW
No, I haven’t.
(Peering at dinosaur.)
Oh my God, Doctor, I think this is Fido.

Dinosaur BELLOWS again and starts toward him.

SWAN-LI (Amazed.)
Fido?

The Doctor starts slowly back toward Turdlow.

TURDLOW
That’s the name we gave to a small dinosaur-like creature we befriended recently on the planet where we dumped Petite Toots and Megan.

THE DOCTOR (Peering at dinosaur.)
My God, Turdlow, you could be right.

The Doctor tentatively approaches the dinosaur, holding her right hand out toward it.

THE DOCTOR
Here, boy.   Here, Fido.

Dinosaur BELLOWS again and starts toward the Doctor.

SWAN-LI (Hysterical.)
Oh no, it’s going to attack her.

THE DOCTOR
Here, Fido, it’s me.   It’s the Doctor.

Dinosaur peers down at the Doctor.

INSERT — FROM “QUEEN OF THE DINGLEBERRY TRIBE”:
EXT. FOREST — DAY — THE DOCTOR, PETITE TOOTS &
Turdlow walking along.

TURDLOW
Are you sure it’s safe to be this far out into the forest, Doc?

THE DOCTOR
Have I ever needlessly led you two into danger?

Petite Toots and Turdlow exchange a puzzled look.

PETITE TOOTS
Is she kiddin’ or what?

TURDLOW
Your guess is as good as mine.

THE DOCTOR
Er, well, okay, so maybe I have in the past.   But Megan said there is no dangerous plant or animal life on this planet.

RUNNING FOOTSTEPS RHS of SHOT.

The Doctor, Petite Toots and Turdlow look round and see a five-foot tall, dinosaur-like creature staring at them.

PETITE TOOTS
Doctor, what’ll we do?

TURDLOW (Shouting.)
Chicken out everybody!

He turns and races out of SHOT to LHS.

PETITE TOOTS
My hero!

THE DOCTOR
Shut up!   This time he’s right.

The Doctor charges after Turdlow, with Petite Toots running behind the Doctor.

The dinosaur looks surprised for a second, then it goes bounding through the brush after them.

INSERT — FROM “QUEEN OF THE DINGLEBERRY TRIBE”:
EXT. FOREST — DAY — TURDLOW, THE DOCTOR, &
Petite Toots racing through the forest from RHS of SHOT.

HEAVY FOOTSTEPS LOPING behind them.

PETITE TOOTS (Hysterical.)
Hurry, Doctor, it’s gaining on us.

MOVING SHOT following them as they run for a moment.

The dinosaur is now rapidly gaining on them.

PETITE TOOTS
Doctor, it’s gaining on us, I tell you!

In the forest not far ahead of them is a cave mouth.

THE DOCTOR (Pointing at cave mouth.)
Head for that cave.

PETITE TOOTS
But then we’ll be trapped!

THE DOCTOR
Calm down.   With any luck it’ll be too large to get into the cave.

TURDLOW
Or we’ll lose it in tunnels in there.

INSERT — FROM “QUEEN OF THE DINGLEBERRY TRIBE”:
INT./EXT. CAVE/FOREST — DARK/DAY — TURDLOW
races into the cave, followed by Petite Toots then the Doctor.

They stop for a moment, panting furiously, to recover their breaths.

RUNNING FOOTSTEPS LOPING toward the cave, then the dinosaur can be seen approaching them.

TURDLOW
Oh no, it’s coming toward the cave.

PETITE TOOTS (Hysterical.)
Doctor, we’re gonna be trapped in here, you great dingle.

Turdlow and the Doctor start looking about the cave, trying to see in the darkness as the dinosaur grows larger until it is almost filling the cave mouth.

TURDLOW (Pointing deeper into cave.)
There seem to be some tunnels back here.

THE DOCTOR
Okay, let’s go.

Petite Toots and Turdlow start off toward the rear of the cave, with the Doctor not far behind them.

RUNNING FOOTSTEPS VERY LOUD as the dinosaur reaches the cave mouth and enters the cave.

It stops and looks about the cave for a moment in wonder, then seeing movement it lets out a SHRILL BELLOW and starts loping ungainfully toward the back of the cave after the Doctor, Petite Toots and Turdlow.

INSERT — FROM “QUEEN OF THE DINGLEBERRY TRIBE”:
INT. TUNNEL IN CAVE — DARK — PETITE TOOTS
now at the front of the procession as they run.

PETITE TOOTS (Hysterical.)
Oh no, it’s still coming after us.

TURDLOW
Shut up panicking and run for that tunnel.

Turdlow points at a tunnel mouth ahead of them.

Petite Toots, Turdlow, and the Doctor charge toward the tunnel opening, all now panting again from exhaustion.

INSERT — FROM “QUEEN OF THE DINGLEBERRY TRIBE”:
INT. TUNNEL MOUTH — DARK — PETITE TOOTS, TURDLOW,
then the Doctor race in through the tunnel mouth and grind to a halt as they find themselves in a cul-de-sac.

RUNNING FOOTSTEPS behind them and they see the dinosaur go straight past the cul-de-sac.

INSERT — FROM “QUEEN OF THE DINGLEBERRY TRIBE”:
INT. TUNNEL RUNNING PAST CUL-DE-SAC — DARK
Dinosaur walks straight past the cul-de-sac, stops and looks about the tunnel for a moment in obvious dismay.

It lets out a SHRILL BELLOW and starts deeper into the cave.

PETITE TOOTS O/S
Phew, it’s gone straight past.

TURDLOW O/S
Quiet, dingle, it’ll hear you!

Dinosaur stops and looks round.

Although it is a tight-fit in the tunnel, it manages to turn round and head back toward the cul-de-sac.

INSERT — FROM “QUEEN OF THE DINGLEBERRY TRIBE”:
INT. CUL-DE-SAC — DARK — PETITE TOOTS, TURDLOW, &
the Doctor listening to approaching footsteps.

After a second the dinosaur’s head comes back into view.

Dinosaur BELLOWS in pleasure as it sees them and starts into the cul-de-sac after them.

PETITE TOOTS (Shocked.)
Oh no it must have heard me!

Dinosaur squeezes into the cul-de-sac then races across toward them.

Ignoring Petite Toots and Turdlow, the dinosaur races up to the Doctor who backs up till she is hard against the cave wall.

BELLOWING again in pleasure the dinosaur leaps up onto its hind legs until it is face to face with the Doctor.

Petite Toots screams.

The dinosaur opens its jaws wide, and a long tongue flicks out and starts furiously licking the Doctor’s face.   Hard enough to make her head knock against the dirt wall behind her.

THE DOCTOR
Something tells me this is this planet’s equivalent of an over-friendly dog.

The dinosaur starts rubbing itself against her legs.

THE DOCTOR (Angry.)
Stop that, you prehistoric pervert!

INSERT — FROM “QUEEN OF THE DINGLEBERRY TRIBE”:
EXT. FOREST — DAY — THE DOCTOR, PETITE TOOTS, &
Turdlow are walking through the forest with the dinosaur in tow.

The dinosaur suddenly slams its snout into the Doctor’s behind.

THE DOCTOR (Hitting it away.)
Stop that you oversexed reject from Jurassic Park!

EXT. BRIGHTON BEACH — DAY — FIDO
peering at the Doctor.

He BELLOWS again, this time obviously from pleasure.

THE DOCTOR
You were right, Turdlow, it is Fido.

Fido starts wagging his tail, which THUMP!   THUMP!   THUMPS! on the beach shattering beach tables and beach huts, and making people fall over or run screaming away from terror.

THE DOCTOR
Good boy, Fido.

Fido opens his mouth and his enormous tongue flicks out to lick along the Doctor from her feet up, lifting her up into the air and sending her flying down the beach.

The Doctor screams and goes flying down the beach toward the Retardis.

SWAN-LI
Jesus, he’s a powerful licker.

TURDLOW
And Fred Flintstone thought he had it bad with Dino.

The Doctor crashes down onto the roof of the Retardis, then falls to the sand.

Swan-Li and Turdlow go racing down the beach toward the Retardis, with Fido in pursuit, BELLOWING in pleasure.

Swan-Li and Turdlow grab the Doctor by the elbows and help her back to her feet.

THE DOCTOR
Come on everybody, let’s get inside the Retardis before he kills us with kindness.

Fido licks the Doctor again and sends her flying over the Retardis, screaming until she crashes to the sand again.

Swan-Li & Turdlow race around the Retardis to help the Doctor to her feet again.

The Doctor is coated head to foot in dinosaur spit and sand.

SWAN-LI (Disgusted.)
Oooo, yucky, she’s all slimy.

TURDLOW
Let’s help her inside the Retardis and she can have a hot shower…
(Half a beat.)
Then burn her clothing.

Turdlow & Swan-Li have to hold up the Doctor as they walk her round to the front of the Retardis and start toward the doors again.

Fido BELLOWS in pleasure again and butts his snout into the Doctor’s bottom.

The Doctor screams and goes flying into the Retardis.

TURDLOW
Come on, Swan-Li.

They race into the Retardis after the Doctor.

INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — LIT
The Doctor slides across the floor as Turdlow and Swan-Li race in through the doors LHS of SHOT.

The Doctor slides out through the door into the corridor RHS of SHOT, still screaming.

SWAN-LI (Pointing.)
Come on, there she goes.

Swan-Li and Turdlow race across the consul room and run out into the corridor after the Doctor.

INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE CONSUL ROOM — LIT
The Doctor slides out of the consul room, still screaming and slides down the corridor deeper into the Retardis.

RUNNING FOOTSTEPS then Swan-Li & Turdlow race out of the consul room and start down the corridor after the Doctor.

BEGIN CORRIDOR MONTAGE.
Swan-Li & Turdlow running down the first corridor a long way behind the Doctor who is still screaming as she slides down the corridor ahead of them.

Swan-Li & Turdlow running down a second corridor a long way behind the Doctor who is still screaming as she slides down the corridor ahead of them.

Swan-Li & Turdlow running down a corridor past a T-junction, still a long way behind the Doctor who is still screaming as she slides down the corridor ahead of them.

Swan-Li & Turdlow running down a fourth corridor a long way behind the Doctor who is still screaming as she slides down the corridor ahead of them.

Swan-Li & Turdlow running down a corridor past an X-junction, still a way behind the Doctor who is screaming as she slides down the corridor.

END CORRIDOR MONTAGE.

INT. CORRIDOR — LIT
Swan-Li & Turdlow running down a corridor toward an open door, still a long way behind the Doctor.

Still screaming, the Doctor slides into the room with Swan-Li and Turdlow still well behind her.

LOUD CRASH and OBJECTS SCATTERING.

SWAN-LI (Pointing.)
Come on, she slid into that room.

Swan-Li and Turdlow race into the room.

INT. THE DOCTOR’S BEDROOM — LIT — SWAN-LI & TURDLOW
race into the room and stop and look about.

There is an upended coffee table near the bed with bric-a-brac spilt across the floor.   Beside it lies a small, upended bookcase and a dozen or so books are scattered across the floor.

The Doctor’s legs and rear-end are sticking out from under her bed.

TURDLOW (Pointing.)
There she is.

Swan-Li and Turdlow race over and grab the Doctor’s legs and pull her out from under the bed.

SWAN-LI
Doctor, are you all right?

THE DOCTOR (Weakly.)
Remind me to kill Fido when I see him next.

TURDLOW
In some ways an over-friendly dinosaur is more dangerous than an aggressive one.

The Retardis suddenly starts rocking wildly.

SWAN-LI (Alarmed.)
What the hell is that?

TURDLOW
Hold on, I’ll check.

He holds up a small handset and pushes some buttons, a flat PC screen drops from the ceiling near the bed.

EXT. BEACH, OUTSIDE THE RETARDIS — DAY
Fido is holding onto the Retardis and rubbing his loins furiously against it, while spectators watch in shock.

A policeman races up and points a gun at Fido.

COP
This orta take care of that monster.

Fido’s tongue flicks out and licks Cop from the feet up, sending him flying back down the beach, screaming.

Fido starts wagging his tail, which THUMP!   THUMP!   THUMPS! on the beach shattering beach tables and beach huts, and making people fall over or run screaming away from terror.

Finally he grabs the Retardis and starts trying to have sex with it again.

INT./EXT. THE DOCTOR’S BEDROOM/OUTSIDE RETARDIS —
LIT/DAY
The Doctor, Swan-Li and Turdlow are watching Fido shag the Retardis on the PC screen.

THE DOCTOR (Angry.)
Stop that you primaeval pervert.

TURDLOW (Puzzled.)
But, Doctor, how come Fido is so humungous.   He was only five foot tall the last time we saw him.

SWAN-LI
Possibly he was only a baby then?

THE DOCTOR
No, Megan would have told us if there were thirty-foot tall dinosaurs on her planet.   She expressly said there were no dangerous creatures on the planet.   Dinosaurs that size would be dangerous even if they are friendly.

TURDLOW
Then what?

THE DOCTOR
The Mistress.

TURDLOW (Inspiration-struck.)
Of course.

SWAN-LI
Who?

THE DOCTOR
The Mistress is an evil Time-Dork,   Originally she was a man, the Master.   As the Master she had the ability to greatly shrink living tissue.
(Considering a moment.)
I wonder if she now can also make it expand in size?

INT. EUNUCH HQ, LONDON — DAY — BRIGADIER’S OFFICE
The Brigadier is seated at his desk talking on the phone, while Jayne Grunt, Private Wilson, & Captain Mike Bates stand around listening.

BRIGADIER is grey-haired, with a bushy moustache.   He is a primly proper, no-nonsense type who has been working with the Doctor off and on for decades.

JAYNE GRUNT is a young, blonde airhead bimbo who idolises the Doctor for her intelligence.

PRIVATE WILSON is a stiffly correct military type.

MIKE BATES is in his early thirties, a bit of a stiff military type, but more of a thinker than the Brigadier or Private Wilson.

BRIGADIER (Between laughter.)
No, no, Prime Minister, I assure you these reports of giant dinosaurs roaming the length and breadth of the British Isles are absolutely laughable.

Dinosaur BELLOWING O/S then CRASHING as part of the wall starts to collapse.

Jayne Grunt, Private Wilson, and Bates race aside in terror as a giant dinosaur lumbers through the wall of the office.

The dinosaur lumbers across the room, them walks straight through the next wall and deeper into the building.

BRIGADIER (Looking about the ruins of his office.)
On the other hand, Prime Minister, who am I to laugh at other people’s fears?

SCREAMING O/S deeper in building and CRASHING as dinosaur lumbers through walls.

INT. TEN DOWNING STREET, PM’S OFFICE — DAY
PM talking on the phone.
   (INTERCUT PHONE SEQUENCE.)

THE PRIME MINISTER
Well, what are you planning to do about it, Brigadier?

BRIGADIER
Don’t worry, PM, I’ll put my best man onto these reports immediately.

THE PRIME MINISTER
Very well, Brigadier, keep me informed of any developments.

BRIGADIER
Will do, Prime Minister.

Brigadier hangs up the phone.

JAYNE GRUNT
Who are you planning to put on it, Brigadier?

BRIGADIER
The Doctor, of course.

JAYNE GRUNT (Puzzled.)
The Doctor is your best Man?
(She looks Private Wilson & Captain Bates up and down.)
Yes, I see what you mean actually.

Wilson and Bates both glare at her.

SCREAMING O/S deeper in building and CRASHING as dinosaur lumbers through walls, then gunfire outside the building.

BRIGADIER
Captain Bates, you and Private Wilson get outside and direct the operation against that thing.

CAPTAIN BATES (Under breath.)
While you skulk in here where it’s safe.

BRIGADIER (Angry.)
No, while I try to track down the Doctor.

JAYNE GRUNT
Well, hop to it you two.

Wilson & Bates turn round to glare at her for a second, then head out through the dinosaur’s entrance hole in the wall.

BRIGADIER
You might as well go with them, Jayne.

JAYNE GRUNT
Can’t I skulk in here where it’s safe too?

BRIGADIER (Angry.)
I am not skulking in here where it’s safe.   Now get outside and help Bates and Wilson.

JAYNE GRUNT (Saluting.)
Yes, sir.

She walks off, mumbling as she goes.

INT. THE DOCTOR’S BEDROOM — LIT
Swan-Li AND Turdlow are sitting on the bed waiting for the Doctor.

RUNNING SHOWER in a small en-suite.

Water stops running, then sound of the Doctor DRYING HERSELF THEN DRESSING.

The en-suite door opens and the Doctor steps out now wearing a different dress, with a towel wrapped round her hair.

THE DOCTOR
I feel almost human again.

TURDLOW
If only you looked almost human.

On the screen Fido tries to shag the Retardis.

THE DOCTOR
Stop that you reject from Jurassic Park!

She races out door LHS of SHOT into the corridor.

BEGIN CORRIDOR MONTAGE.
The Doctor and her companions running down a corridor past an X-junction.

The Doctor and her companions running down another corridor.

The Doctor and her companions running down a corridor past a T-junction.

The Doctor and her companions running down another corridor.

The Doctor and her companions running down another corridor to LHS of SHOT.

The Doctor and her companions running down a corridor toward an open door.

END CORRIDOR MONTAGE.

INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — LIT
The Doctor and her companions running in from corridor RHS of SHOT and race across the consul room.

TURDLOW
Doc, are you sure this is a good idea?

SWAN-LI
Yeah, Fido might be friendly, but he’s so big he could hurt us without meaning to.

THE DOCTOR
Trust me, have you ever known me to be wrong?

Swan-Li and Turdlow exchange a puzzled look.

SWAN-LI
No, Doc, never.

THE DOCTOR (Smiling broadly.)
Good.

TURDLOW
On the other hand, we’ve never known you to be right either.

THE DOCTOR
Shut up, and follow me!

The Doctor turns the red knob on the consul.

ENGINE WHIRRING and the Retardis’s doors open.

EXT. LAWNS OUTSIDE EUNUCH HQ, LONDON — DAY
Jayne Grunt, Wilson, & Bates are directing about a dozen armed soldiers.

JAYNE GRUNT
It’s no good, we’ll never stop them.

PRIVATE WILSON
She’s right.

CAPTAIN BATES
Very well…
(Cupping hands over mouth/ Shouting.)
Chicken out and run away!

The soldiers drop their weapons and scatter in all directions.

MOVING SHOT following Wilson and Jayne Grunt as they run toward a corner of the building.

EXT. EUNUCH HQ, AROUND CORNER — DAY
Jayne Grunt and Wilson race around the corner and run straight into a giant pile of sloppy, pale pink matter.

JAYNE GRUNT (Looking down at herself.)
Oh no, I’m coated in dinosaur pooh.

Wilson holds some of the pink matter up to his nose and sniffs it, then tentatively tastes it.

PRIVATE WILSON
No, you haven’t; it’s strawberry ice cream.

INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — LIT — TURDLOW &
Swan-Li standing near flight consul waiting.

After a moment the Doctor enters through the door LHS of SHOT.

THE DOCTOR
I think I’ve calmed the prehistoric pervert down a little.

BELL STARTS ECHOING FROM DEEP within the Retardis.

SWAN-LI
What the hell is that?

THE DOCTOR
It’s the closter bell.   It means some great disaster is imminent

SWAN-LI
Well, for God’s sake turn it off, it’s giving me a headache.

Turdlow holds up the small handset and pushes a button and the bell stops ringing.

TURDLOW
Doc, I thought you said you were going to dismantle the closter bell?

THE DOCTOR
I’ve been meaning to, but I never seem to get around to it.

The video screen on the wall behind the consul suddenly activates and we see the Brigadier sitting among the wreckage of his office, surrounded by Jayne Grunt, Bates, and Wilson.

INT. EUNUCH HQ, LONDON — DAY — BRIGADIER’S OFFICE
The Brigadier talking on the phone.
   (INTERCUT PHONE SEQUENCE.)

BRIGADIER
We seem to have a bit of a problem, Doctor.

THE DOCTOR
So what else is news?

TURDLOW
Can’t you idiots ever solve any problems without our help?

BRIGADIER
A little matter of some dinosaurs lumbering around the British Isles.

THE DOCTOR
Yes, we’ve seen one.

TURDLOW
Fido.

BRIGADIER (Puzzled.)
Pardon?

SWAN-LI
That’s the name they gave to a dinosaur they befriended on some planet.

JAYNE GRUNT
But, Doc, I thought you told us Fido was only five or six feet tall?

THE DOCTOR
Someone must have found a way to expand living tissue.   My guess is the Mistress.

BRIGADIER
Well, guess again, Doctor.
(Holding up glass canister of slimy, pink matter.)
We’ve found great piles of this around the sites of each dinosaur sighting.

INT./EXT. EUNUCH HQ — DAY — BRIGADIER’S OFFICE
The Retardis is standing in one corner of the ruins of the office, which looks out over large lawns, and the Doctor, and company are examining the pink matter.

TURDLOW (Peering down at pink matter.)
What is it, giant dinosaur pooh?

JAYNE GRUNT
No, strawberry ice cream.

TURDLOW (Unamused.)
Ha ha, very funny!

BRIGADIER
No, really, that’s what it turned out to be.   Piles of strawberry ice cream.

THE DOCTOR
In that case the dinosaurs must be somehow controlled by the most evil, insidious creatures in the entire galaxy.

SWAN-LI (Shocked.)
Oh my God, the Tories are controlling giant dinosaurs.

THE DOCTOR (Frustrated.)
No, no, dingleberry-breath.   I meant the Ice-Cream Warriors.

ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER O/S
Good guess, Doctor.

The Doctor and the others spin round and see ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER and two other Ice-Cream Warriors.

Ice-Cream-Warrior Leader is a squat, dumpy creature with what looks like an ice-cream stick sticking up out of his head.

THE DOCTOR
Actually my next guess was going to be the faggeties or the Andra-Fruit Gums.

TURDLOW
Hopeless, this chick is so hopeless.

SWAN-LI (Pointing at Ice-Cream Warriors.)
Hey, who are these dingleberries?

TURDLOW
By the looks of things, the stars from the Revenge of the Nerds movies.
(Pointing at Ice-Cream-Warrior Leader.)
Part one.
(Pointing at 2nd Ice-Cream-Warrior.)
Part two.
(Pointing at 3rd Ice-Cream-Warrior.)
And part three.

ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER
Now I have you where I want you, you shall all die.

Ice-Cream-Warrior Leader is carrying a laser rifle, which he points toward Swan-Li first.

Swan-Li screams as Ice-Cream-Warrior Leader fires.

A great mass of sloppy white matter shoots out and covers Swan-Li.

SWAN-LI
Mmmmm vanilla fudge, good.

She starts licking it off herself.

ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER (Disgusted.)
Damn these accursed Earthlings, they actually like ice cream.

2ND ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR/2ND ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR
The Barbarians!

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT ONE:

ACT TWO:

FADE IN:
EXT. OUTSIDE BRIGADIER’S OFFICE — DAY — AS BEFORE

2ND ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR
Try setting it for Tutti-Frutti.   That always makes them die screaming in terror.

Ice-Cream-Warrior Leader adjusts the laser rifle then aims it at Turdlow and fires.

A great mass of ice-cream shoots out and this time coats Turdlow who starts scooping it up and eating it.

TURDLOW
Yum yum, Tutti-Frutti, delicious.

ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER (Throwing down laser-rifle.)
Curse these barbarians, how could anyone like ice cream?   The most hated substance in the known galaxy.

THE DOCTOR
I don’t suppose that thing fires butterscotch or chocolate chip?

2ND ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR (Covering his ears with his hands.)
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!   Barbarians.

JAYNE GRUNT
Or how about raspberry or caramel toffee?

CAPTAIN BATES
Or how about banana or wild cherry?

BRIGADIER (Pulling gun out of his holster.)
Well, I don’t know what your evil plans were Ice-Cream-Warrior Leader, but since your ice-cream rifle doesn’t work against these barbarians, you are now my prisoner.

ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER
Not so fast, Brigadier.

He holds up his right hand to show he is wearing a large yellow ring on one finger.   He presses a slot on the ring to reveal a red button, which he presses.

SWAN-LI
Hey he’s got a Mickey Mouse ring just like mine.
(Holding up left hand to show a gaudy ring.)

Dinosaur BELLOWING and two dinosaurs lumber into the yard and start toward the Doctor and the others.

The Doctor and the others all scream as the dinosaurs start toward them.

SWAN-LI
Doctor, do something for God’s sake.

THE DOCTOR
Don’t worry.

She starts hunting through her large cloth bag, pulling out various odds and sods.

EXT. LAWNS — DAY — TEN MINUTES LATER
The Doctor is still hunting through her large cloth bag.

In front of them are a surf board, ice skates, deck chairs, inflated plastic beach toys, a card table, plus various other odds and sods.

SWAN-LI (Puzzled.)
I wonder what she’s looking for?

TURDLOW
With any luck, a knife?

THE DOCTOR continues to pull all manner of things out of
her cloth bag.

Until finally she pulls out a gigantic metal-tipped plastic vibrator.

THE DOCTOR (Holding dildo like knife.)
Not so fast Ice-Cream-Warrior Leader.

Ice-Cream-Warrior Leader stares at the vibrator in astonishment.

THE DOCTOR (APOLOGETIC.)
Yes, I know it’s only a vibrator.   But it does have a metal tip.
(To Brigadier.)
I use it when I feel like a little rough sex.

The Brigadier looks shocked and a little disgusted.

THE DOCTOR (To Ice-Cream-Warrior Leader.)
And it does have a very high top setting.

The Doctor turns on the vibrator and it starts HUMMING furiously.

ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER
Run for it, she’s armed with a metal-tipped vibrator!

2ND ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR
And it’s got a very high top setting.

Ice-Cream Warriors scream, turn and run away.

INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — LIT
The Doctor is seated at a deck chair, wearing sun glasses, and shaded by a tall sun umbrella.

FOOTSTEPS OUTSIDE then Turdlow walks in from the corridor RHS of SHOT.

THE DOCTOR
Ah, Turdlow, would you mind shutting the door?

She points to the Retardis’s doors LHS of SHOT.

TURDLOW
Not at all, Doc.

He walks across to the consul and pulls the red lever and the doors shut.

THE DOCTOR
Oh, and would you mind setting in the course co-ordinates for the theatre.

TURDLOW
Sure thing, Doc.

He picks up a sheet of paper from the consul, reads it for a second, and then starts typing numbers onto a small keyboard on the Retardis’s consul.

THE DOCTOR
And would you mind fixing the damaged thermostat circuit?

She points to a circuit-board hanging part way out of the consul.

TURDLOW
Not at all.

He picks up the psychic-screwdriver from the consul and adjusts it with a WHIRRING, then goes over and starts soldering the circuit board.

After a few moments he slides the circuit board back into the consul and puts down the psychic-screwdriver.

THE DOCTOR
Oh, and would you mind…?

TURDLOW
I’ve just worked out why you always have at least two people travelling with you.

THE DOCTOR (Puzzled.)
Why is that?

TURDLOW (Angry.)
Because you’re a lazy cow who likes to sit on your bum and watch other people do all the work.

THE DOCTOR (Indignant.)
How dare you!   I’d run across there and give you a clip behind the ear…
(Half a beat.)
if only I could be bothered getting up.

TURDLOW
I knew it!   I knew it!

FOOTSTEPS OUTSIDE then Swan-Li walks in from the corridor RHS of SHOT.

SWAN-LI
Hello, Turdlow, Doc.

THE DOCTOR
Swan-Li, would you mind checking Turdlow soldered that circuit board properly?

SWAN-LI
Not at all, Doc.

She walks across to the consul, pulls out the circuit board and checks it over for a moment, then slides it back into the consul.

SWAN-LI
Yep, that looks fine.

THE DOCTOR
Oh and would you check the course co-ordinates are correct?

SWAN-LI
Sure thing, Doc.

She walks across to pick up the sheet of paper and starts comparing the writing to what is typed onto the PC monitor on the consul.

SWAN-LI
Yeah, these look okay.

THE DOCTOR
Oh, and would you mind…?

SWAN-LI (Indignant.)
Doctor, you’re a lazy cow!   You only have us aboard the Retardis so you don’t have to do any work.

TURDLOW
That is true.   That is so true.   I just said that before you came in.

INT. THEATRE — STAGE LIT, REST DARK
Brigadier, Bates, and Jayne Grunt sitting together in the front row.

JAYNE GRUNT
Well, it’s about time we had a night out.   I get sick of staying home and watching TV.

BRIGADIER
Quiet you blonde bimbo.   We’re only here because that dinosaur squinched my office so we’ve got nowhere else to meet.

CAPTAIN BATES
So shut up and watch the show.

The Brigadier turns to glare at Bates.

BRIGADIER
We are not here to watch the show.   I’ve arranged to meet the Doctor here, since we’ve got nowhere else to meet.

A buck-toothed comedian is standing on stage.

COMEDIAN
You’ve heard of Archimedes?

The audience stares at him blankly.

COMEDIAN
The chap who invented bath tubs?

CAPTAIN BATES (Cupping hands over mouth/Shouting.)
Get off!

EVERYONE IN AUDIENCE (Cupping hands over mouth/Shouting.)
Get off!

COMEDIAN (Sulky.)
Very well, I’ll get off.   But I bet you wouldn’t have spoken to Archimedes like that.

He turns and walks off the back of the stage to LHS, as a young EMCEE walks on from the RHS.

EMCEE
Now the act you’ve all been waiting for.
(Waving arm toward RHS of stage.)
The exotic Turkish Delight, siren of the Far East.

BELLY DANCING MUSIC starts playing.

Emcee walks off stage to LHS as a belly dancer in a skimpy costume comes onto stage from the RHS and starts shaking about.

RUSTLING OF CLOTHING as the audience, mainly men, all sit forward to have a closer look.

CAPTAIN BATES
Now, this is more like it.

INT. BACKSTAGE — LIT

OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY, then the Retardis appears by LHS of curtain, the doors open and Swan-Li, Turdlow, then the Doctor all stroll out and look about.

TURDLOW
Did the Brigadier say why he wanted to meet us here?

THE DOCTOR
Something about his office being squinched by a dinosaur and not wanting to take me to his home in case his wife, Daisy, tries to kill him again.

SWAN-LI (Pointing at the curtain.)
I’m pretty sure it’s this way, Doctor.

Swan-Li pushes aside the curtain and storms out onto stage.

INT. THEATRE — STAGE LIT, REST DARK — AS BEFORE
Turkish Delight is still shaking her stuff on stage as the curtain pulls aside and Swan-Li storms out onto stage and collides with Turkish Delight.

SWAN-LI
Out of the way, toots.

She pushes Turkish Delight, who screams and somersaults off the front off the stage and ends up laying facedown across Captain Bates’s lap.

Bates and the Brigadier stare at the panty-clad behind of the unconscious woman for a moment, then exchange a puzzled look.

BRIGADIER (Pointing at ceiling.)
Someone up there must like you.

JAYNE GRUNT
That’s good, because no one down here does.

INT. BACKSTAGE/STAGE — LIT
The Doctor and Turdlow can see Swan-Li through a slit in the curtain.

THE DOCTOR
No, dingle, that’s the stage.

Swan-Li stares at the audience in terror.

SWAN-LI
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

She turns and races back over to the Doctor and Turdlow behind the stage.

TURDLOW
It’s this way.
(Pointing toward steps leading down LHS of stage.)

The Doctor, Swan-Li, & Turdlow start down the steps.

INT. THEATRE — STAGE LIT, REST DARK — AS BEFORE,
Turkish Delight still lying across Bates’s lap.

The Doctor and her companions walk down steps beside LHS of stage and stop for a moment to let their eyes adjust to the dark.

TURDLOW (Pointing to RHS.)
There’s Captain Bates & the Brig.

The Doctor, Swan-Li and Turdlow walk over and sit next to Captain Bates.

SWAN-LI (Staring at stage.)
So what’s the show?

The Doctor points toward a sign near steps.

THE DOCTOR
It says “The exotic Turkish Delight, belly dancer extraordinaire”.

TURDLOW (Looking about.)
Where?   I don’t see any belly dancer.

SWAN-LI (Pointing.)
There’s one lying across Captain Bates’s lap.

The Doctor & Turdlow both stare at Turkish Delight.

THE DOCTOR
What’s she doing there?
(Glaring at Bates.)
Or shouldn’t I ask, you pervert?

CAPTAIN BATES
You lot decked her and pushed her off the edge of the stage.

The Doctor & her companions all look embarrassed.

SWAN-LI
Whoops.

The Doctor races over and starts trying to revive Turkish Delight.

THE DOCTOR
Come on Turkish Delight, wakey-wakey.

She starts patting Turkish Delight’s left hand, then lightly slapping her face.

SWAN-LI
Yeah, it isn’t that high a stage.

THE DOCTOR
Wakey-wakey Turkish Delight…
(Half a beat.)
Or may I call you Turk for short?

TURDLOW (Patting Turkish Delight’s right hand.)
Wake up, Turk.

SWAN-LI
She’s out like a light in parliament.   What’ll we do, Doc?

THE DOCTOR
We’ll have to get her back up on stage.

The Doctor and Turdlow lift up Turkish Delight and hold her up with her arms across their shoulders and start to half-carry, half drag her toward the steps.

With Swan-Li following, they drag Turkish Delight up the steps and out onto the stage.

TURDLOW
Come on, Turk, people have paid to see you belly dancing.

SWAN-LI
Okay, so they’re mainly raincoat-clad perverts.   Still they have paid their money, so how about dancing for them?

THE DOCTOR
Come on, Turk, just swing your arse a bit from side to side.

SWAN-LI
Jesus, she’s got enough of it.

TURDLOW
Yeah, even the Doc’s humungous bum has nothing on this chick.

THE DOCTOR
Shut up and help me to get her dancing.

With the Doctor and Turdlow holding Turkish Delight up, Swan-Li holds her hips and tries to get them swaying from side to side.

SWAN-LI
I think she’s getting the hang of it now.

THE DOCTOR
Just keep her hips wiggling, while Turdlow and I move her from side to side a bit.

Turdlow & the Doctor start shuffling from side to side dragging the unconscious Turkish Delight with them, while Swan-Li tries to get her hips to sway about.

1ST MAN IN AUDIENCE (Shouting.)
Get off stage.

2ND MAN IN AUDIENCE (Shouting.)
I want my money back.

3RD MAN IN AUDIENCE (Shouting.)
Yeah, this is the most hopeless belly dancing I’ve ever seen.

CAPTAIN BATES
That’s the Doctor for you.   She’s the only person I know who could start a riot at a belly dancing show.

EXT. R.A.F. BASE, RUNWAY — DAY
A transport plane is being unloaded of heavy equipment, including a fearsome looking missile-&-launcher.

ALARMS start blaring and soldiers look round startled.

Dinosaur BELLOWING, then dinosaurs appear and the soldiers run away screaming.
Ice-Cream-Warrior Leader and two Ice-Cream Warriors appear and stand looking at the rocket-launcher.

2ND ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR
Your plan has worked brilliantly, leader.

INT. THEATRE — STAGE LIT, REST DARK — AS BEFORE
The Doctor, Turdlow and Swan-Li still trying to help Turkish Delight to dance.

Turkish Delight starts to moan and slowly revive.

THE DOCTOR
Thata girl, Turk.

Turkish Delight opens her eyes and looks about in amazement at first Turdlow then the Doctor.

TURKISH DELIGHT
Hey, what are you two perverts doing?

SWAN-LI
I think she’s awake now.

TURDLOW
Thank God, she was getting heavy.

THE DOCTOR
I guess she can make it on her own now.

They release Turkish Delight who screams and CRASHES to the stage, knocking herself out again.

SWAN-LI
Whoops, here we go again.

MOBILE PHONE RINGING in audience.

Jayne Grunt, Bates and the Brigadier all pull out mobile phones and talk into them.

BRIGADIER
That’s all right, it’s mine.
(Into phone.)
Yes, this is Brigadier Rightbridge-Stupid…
(Half a beat.)
Yes, I see…
(Half a beat.)
Ah ha…
(Half a beat.)
I see…
(Half a beat.)
Ah ha…
(Half a beat.)
Yes…
(Half a beat.)
I see…
(Half a beat.)
Ah ha…
(Half a beat.)
I see…
(Half a beat.)
Yes, okay.   Yes, right.

He turns off the mobile phone as the Doctor and Turdlow pick up Turkish Delight again.

BRIGADIER
Doctor, that was the PM, the Ice-Cream Warriors attacked R.A.F. Base Heathcliffe and stole a nuclear warhead.

THE DOCTOR
Oh my God!

The Doctor and Turdlow release Turkish Delight who hits the stage with a BONE-JARRING CRUNCH.

SWAN-LI
Double-whoops.

THE DOCTOR
Don’t worry about her, this is too important to waste time.

The Doctor and her companions race toward the steps as the Brigadier and the others approach.

BRIGADIER (Holding up mobile phone.)
I’ll just phone for a car.

THE DOCTOR
No time, we’ll take the Retardis.   It’ll be much faster.

JAYNE GRUNT
I hope you know what you’re doing, Doc?

THE DOCTOR
Have you ever known me to be wrong?

SWAN-LI
Are you kidding, Doc?

TURDLOW
Yeah, it’s not for nothing that they call you the goof-up from Gallafart.

THE DOCTOR
Shut up and just follow me.

The Doctor, Swan-Li, and Turdlow all race across the stage toward the curtains.

The Brigadier and the others hesitate for a moment then start after the Doctor and her companions.

INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — LIT
The Doctor setting in the flight co-ordinates as the others watch.

THE DOCTOR
Okay, hitch up your knickers everyone.

TURDLOW/SWAN-LI
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

They race across and leap up onto the flight consul.

THE DOCTOR (Angry.)
Shut up being sarky and just watch me set in the course co-ordinates and start ‘er up and you might both learn something.

The Doctor pushes a few buttons, then pulls a lever.

OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY.

The Retardis lurches violently and they are all thrown to the floor.

TURDLOW/SWAN-LI/BRIGADIER/JAYNE GRUNT/CAPTAIN BATES
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

JAYNE GRUNT
Doctor, you great, hairy dingleberry!

TURDLOW (Sarcastic.)
Well, Swan-Li, did you learn anything from that?

SWAN-LI
I certainly did.

BRIGADIER (Puzzled.)
Oh really?   What was that?

SWAN-LI
I learnt never to let the Doc set in the course co-ordinates and start ‘er up.

EXT. OUTSIDE R.A.F. BASE — DAY — DIRT VERGE
surrounded by tall wire mesh fence.   On the fence is a sign warning the fence is electrified.

OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY, then the Retardis appears, the doors open and the Doctor and the others walk outside and walk over to the fence.

BRIGADIER
Doctor, you great dingle, you’ve landed the wrong side of the boundary fence.

SWAN-LI
It’s not that high, can’t we climb over?

TURDLOW (Pointing at warning sign.)
As long as you go first.

CAPTAIN BATES
Then how will we get over?

They start looking around the boundary and see a cherry picker parked a few metres away LHS of SHOT.

THE DOCTOR (Pointing at cherry-picker.)
Well, if Turdlow, the little thief, can jump-start that thing it might be able to lift us over.

CAPTAIN BATES
What do you think, Turdlow…
(Half a beat.)
You little thief?

TURDLOW
I’ll give it a try.

They walk across toward the cherry picker with Turdlow in the lead.

Turdlow takes a lock-pick from one of his pockets.

TURDLOW
Mind you I haven’t had much experience at this sort of thing.

SWAN-LI (Sarcastic.)
Oh no, of course not.

Turdlow places the picklock into the door lock, clicks it round one or twice, then opens the door.

BRIGADIER
Yes, so we see, not much experience.

TURDLOW
Just luck, it’ll take hours for me to get the cherry picker started.

He climbs into the cabin of the cherry picker, sticks the picklock into the lock and twists it round once or twice and the cherry picker ROARS into life.

The Brigadier and the others all look amazed.

CAPTAIN BATES
Brigadier, I think we may have a new lead on that spate of unsolved car thefts in London last year.

BRIGADIER
Hmmm, you could be right, Captain Bates.

TURDLOW (Indignant.)
It was just a lucky fluke, I swear I’ve never done this sort of thing before.

The Doctor walks around to the back and steps into the cherry-picker cage.

THE DOCTOR
Shut up, you despicable little thief, and just lift me above the level of the fence.

JAYNE GRUNT
And take care not to let that thing touch the fence, or Doc will get zapped.

TURDLOW
Okay, but I warn you I’ve never operated one of these things before.

Turdlow works a couple of levers and the cherry picker smoothly ascends until the cage is a metre or so above the fence.

Turdlow operates a second lever and the cage extends out well across the fence.

CAPTAIN BATES
I think we may also have a new lead on those thefts of a number of heavy prime movers a few months back.

BRIGADIER
Yes, it could bear looking into further.

TURDLOW (Unconvincingly.)
It’s not true, I just tried a few levers at random.

THE DOCTOR/SWAN-LI/BRIGADIER/JAYNE GRUNT/CAPTAIN BATES
You despicable little thief!

SWAN-LI
Ah, Doctor, just one thing, how are you going to get down on the other side of the fence, without breaking your neck?

THE DOCTOR
Like this.

The Doctor leaps out of the cage, twelve feet or more above a concrete drive.

Swan-Li screams as the Doctor leaps.

SHOT in SLO-MO as the Doctor arcs slowly down to the ground and lands gently onto the concrete.

Film speeds up to NORMAL.

SWAN-LI (Astonished.)
Doctor, how did you do that?

THE DOCTOR (Shrugging.)
A lucky jump.

TURDLOW
Like hell, you despicable liar.

CAPTAIN BATES
But how are the rest of us going to get in?

BRIGADIER
Yes, we can’t leap twelve feet onto solid concrete without breaking our necks.

CAPTAIN BATES (Pointing toward LHS of SHOT.)
We could always try using that gate.

They look round and see a mesh gate a few feet away.

THE DOCTOR
Oh yes, why didn’t I think of that?

SWAN-LI
Because you’re one major dingleberry.

Swan-Li and the others run across to the gate.

JAYNE GRUNT
Is it safe to touch it?

TURDLOW
Sure, go ahead.

Jayne Grunt reaches out and touches the mesh gate.

TURDLOW
Well, I guess it’s safe, she wasn’t zapped.

JAYNE GRUNT (Indignant.)
Hey, don’t use me as a guinea pig!

She RATTLES the gate, which is locked.

CAPTAIN BATES
Looks like you’ll have to use your picklocks again, Turdlow.

TURDLOW (Peering at lock.)
They won’t work; they’re only good for electrical vehicles.

BRIGADIER
Oh, I see!

TURDLOW
Not that I had anything to do with that spate of unsolved car thefts in London last year.   Or those thefts of a number of heavy prime movers a few months back.

THE DOCTOR
Like hell!

SWAN-LI/BRIGADIER/CAPTAIN BATES/JAYNE GRUNT
You despicable little thief!

SWAN-LI
Then how are we going to get in there?

JAYNE GRUNT
Allow me.
(Taking a large ring with hundreds of keys from her purse.)
One of these ought to do it.

She starts hunting through the keys.

EXT. OUTSIDE R.A.F. BASE — DAY — TEN MINUTES LATER
Jayne Grunt is trying a key in the lock.

JAYNE GRUNT
This one ought to do it.

CAPTAIN BATES
God I hope so, you’ve tried enough.

Jayne Grunt places the key in, turns it and the lock clicks open.

She pulls open the gate and they race through.

THE DOCTOR
All right, let’s go.

She starts running across the concrete.

EXT. R.A.F. BASE, RUNWAY — DAY
There are a number of half-dissolved piles of ice cream around the tarmac.

The transport plane is now empty.   There is no sign of the missile-launcher, although a number of soldiers lie around the tarmac.

Two giant dinosaurs are roaming the runway, but show no interest in the Doctor and her companions as they run into SHOT from the RHS and run toward the plane.

TURDLOW
Doctor, we’re too late!

SWAN-LI
And it’s all your fault, Doc.

THE DOCTOR (Indignant.)
Just why is it my fault?

She holds up an iced donut and takes a bite.

In the b/g Turdlow, and Bates start examining the corpses of the soldiers.

JAYNE GRUNT
Well, you’re the one who insisted we stop off at the canteen en route to get some donuts and coffee.

THE DOCTOR
It’s not entirely my fault, even Time-Dorks can get hungry you know.   Travelling through time and space you don’t always get a chance to stop for regular meals.

SWAN-LI
Doctor, you may have just destroyed the human race!

THE DOCTOR
Who cares?

BRIGADIER (Amazed.)
Who cares?

SWAN-LI
Yeah, you know the Doc’s motto, “Dare to be indifferent”.

Bates is now examining a young female soldier.

CAPTAIN BATES
This one is still alive.

The Doctor and the others race over to Captain Bates.

The Doctor kneels down and starts examining the young woman.

BRIGADIER
Well, what’s the verdict, Doctor?

THE DOCTOR
Acute catalepsy.

JAYNE GRUNT
Will she be able to tell us which way the Ice-Cream Warriors went?

TURDLOW
No way, you heard the Doc, she’s cute and catastrophic.

SWAN-LI (Staring at Turdlow.)
Or words to that effect.

THE DOCTOR
Shut up and stop being silly, you two.

Turdlow and Swan-Li both do Nazi salutes, holding a finger up to their top lip, like a moustache.

TURDLOW/SWAN-LI
Ja wohl!

THE DOCTOR
And shut up being sarky!

Female Soldier starts to mutter something.

JAYNE GRUNT
Doctor, she’s trying to speak.

They all kneel down and the Doctor holds up her head as they listen to her.

THE DOCTOR
What is it?   What can you tell us?

FEMALE SOLDIER (Whispering.)
Monsters from the Id.

The Doctor drops her head, which hits the tarmac with a THUD.

THE DOCTOR
Stupid cow’s been watching too many sci-fi flicks.

CAPTAIN BATES
So what’ll we do now?

BRIGADIER
Head back to HQ and wait for any possible leads to come in.

Dinosaur BELLOWS and starts lumbering across toward them from the lawns.

JAYNE GRUNT (Hysterical.)
Oh no, they’re attacking!

THE DOCTOR
Relax, that’s just Fido.

The Doctor suddenly looks shocked as she realises what she has said.

Seeing the Doctor, Fido starts THUMP!   THUMP!   THUMPING! his tail on the tarmac, sending the Doctor and her companions flying onto the sand.

JAYNE GRUNT
Oh God, he’s gonna kill us with kindness.

THE DOCTOR (Climbing back to her feet.)
Relax, I’ll calm him down.

She reaches into her giant cloth back and pulls out an enormous, yellowing bone.

THE DOCTOR (Holding up the bone.)
Here, boy, a nice crunchy bone for Fido.

Wagging his tail, Fido races over to the Doctor.   His enormous tongue flicks out to lick along the Doctor from her feet up, lifting her up into the air and sending her flying across the tarmac, screaming.

EXT. OUTSIDE R.A.F. BASE — DAY — DIRT VERGE
surrounded by tall wire mesh fence.

The Doctor crashes back down to the earth.

TURDLOW O/S (Shouting.)
Come on.

RUNNING FOOTSTEPS then Turdlow races into SHOT from RHS, followed by the others.

Turdlow and Swan-Li race across to help the Doctor back up to her feet.

The Doctor spits out a mouthful of dirt, then rubs her arm across her mouth.

THE DOCTOR
Oh God, I’m covered from head to foot in dinosaur spit and dirt.   I’ll have to take another shower.

SWAN-LI
If you keep showering so many times a day, people will start to call you Tiny Tim.

TURDLOW (Peering at the Doctor’s backside.)
Not with an arse that size, they won’t.

THE DOCTOR
How dare you!

She starts walking back to the Retardis.

BELLOWING in pleasure, Fido sticks out his tongue to lick the Doctor again.

THE DOCTOR (Angry.)
Don’t…
(Half a beat.)
Even…
(Half a beat.)
Think about it!

Fido hides his head in his front paws and WHIMPERS as the Doctor and her companions walk past him and into the Retardis.

Look up at last, Fido wanders over to the Retardis.

He sniffs at the doorway and taps the Retardis with his nose, and the Retardis falls over backwards.

BRIGADIER/JAYNE GRUNT/CAPTAIN BATESTHE DOCTOR/SWAN-LI/TURDLOW O/S
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM/CORRIDOR — LIT
The floor is now at Ninety-Degrees.

The Doctor and the others are holding onto the flight consul, while hanging into space, hanging toward the open door to a seemingly bottomless corridor below them.

BRIGADIER/JAYNE GRUNT/CAPTAIN BATESSWAN-LI/
TURDLOW
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

THE DOCTOR
Hang on, while I try to right it.

Still screaming, Swan-Li’s grip slips and she falls down the corridor seemingly miles before disappearing from sight.

Letting go with one hand, the Doctor pushes half-a-dozen buttons on the consul.

OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY, and slowly the Retardis starts to swing round in an arc until the floor is beneath their feet again.

The Doctor & the others crash down to the floor.

TURDLOW
I’d better see if Swan-Li is still alive.

Standing, he heads toward the door RHS of SHOT.

EXT. OUTSIDE R.A.F. BASE — DAY — DIRT VERGE
Looking puzzled, Fido sniffs at the doorway of the Retardis again.

EXT./INT. OUTSIDE R.A.F. BASE/CONSUL ROOM — DAY/LIT
Fido peers into the Retardis and sees the Doctor at the flight consul.

BELLOWING in delight, he taps the Retardis with his nose again.

INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — LIT
The Retardis rocks wildly for a moment, then falls over backwards again.

The Doctor, the Brigadier, Jayne Grunt & Captain Bates leap up onto the consul.

Turdlow screams and plummets down the now vertical corridor as the Doctor starts frantically working the controls again.

INT. EUNUCH HQ, LONDON — DAY — OFFICE — THE DOCTOR,
the Brigadier, Jayne Grunt, Bates, Swan-Li, Turdlow and a PERSONNEL OFFICER walk in.

PERSONNEL OFFICER is a stiffly proper, by-the-book type, carrying a clipboard.

PERSONNEL OFFICER
I’m afraid this is the best we can do as a temporary office for you, Brigadier.

BRIGADIER (Looking about.)
This will do until my own office is repaired.

PERSONNEL OFFICER
There is one other thing, Brigadier.   It’s about the Doctor?

BRIGADIER
What about her?

PERSONNEL OFFICER
That’s just it, sir.   Eunuch regulations require us to keep a full, up-to-date file on every one of our employees.   yet we don’t even have a file on the Doctor.

BRIGADIER
Don’t worry about the Doctor.   I’ll take full responsibility for her.

TURDLOW
Does that mean you take responsibility for all her monumental cock-ups?

THE DOCTOR (Indignant.)
What monumental cock ups?   Have you ever known me to get anything wrong.

SWAN-LI (Frustrated.)
Oh God, Doctor, why don’t you ask us any easy one?

THE DOCTOR (Puzzled.)
Like what?

TURDLOW
Like have we ever known you to get anything right?

THE DOCTOR
Very well, have you ever known me to get anything right?

TURDLOW/SWAN-LI
No, never!

THE DOCTOR
How dare you!

TURDLOW
Well, you asked us, Doc.

THE DOCTOR
Only because you told me to.

PERSONNEL OFFICER
I really must fill in something about the Doctor.   Who she is for instance.

TURDLOW
The Doctor isn’t a who, she’s a what.

PERSONNEL OFFICER
I beg your pardon?

THE DOCTOR
He means that I’m an alien intelligence.

PERSONNEL OFFICER
An alien intelligence, Doctor?   You must be joking!

SWAN-LI
Well, she’s an alien at any rate.

THE DOCTOR
Shut up, Swan-Li!

TURDLOW
Yes, one out of two ain’t bad.

THE DOCTOR
You shut up too, Turdlow!

PERSONNEL OFFICER (Insistent.)
Doctor, I really must have some of your background details.

Personnel Officer writes on a sheet on the clipboard as the Doctor speaks.

THE DOCTOR
Very well, my real name is Griggle Gleek Snooklefeld.   I am about nine-hundred and fifty Earth years old.   I am a Time-Dork and was born on the planet Gallafart as a man, but have regenerated eight times since then, till ending up as a woman.
(Personnel Officer stops writing and stares at her in amazement.)
I sometimes use the pseudonym Doctor Joan Smith, but am usually just called the Doctor.   I travel back and forth in time in a blue police phone box and have helped the Brigadier defeat aggressive enemy aliens on numerous occasions since the mid 1960s.

PERSONNEL OFFICER (Tearing up personnel file.)
Either she’s crazy, or I am.   Either way, I don’t dare let anyone else see that file.   On second thoughts, Brigadier, perhaps you had better take responsibility for the Doctor.

Phone on desk rings.

Bates goes over and picks up the receiver.

CAPTAIN BATES
Eunuch HQ, Captain Bates for Brigadier Alexander Rightbridge-Stupid.

He listens for a second, then holds out the receiver toward the Brigadier.

CAPTAIN BATES
It’s the PM for you, sir.

The Brigadier strides over and grabs the receiver.

BRIGADIER (Into phone.)
Rightbridge-Stupid here, should I scramble or shall you?   No, no, sir, not scrambled eggs, scramble.   Would you like me to scramble.   No, no, sir, scramble, not scrabble.

THE DOCTOR
What’s wrong?

BRIGADIER
The deaf old bastard says he’d rather play draughts.
(Into phone.)
No, no, PM, I said scramble, not Scrabble.
(Shouting.)
Oh, God, no!
(Calm.)
Oh God, he’s gone off again.
(He hangs up the phone.)
Damn, that’s torn it.   Now he insists that we go round to Number Ten and eat some scrambled eggs while playing Scrabble.   Damn, and the PM will cheat so when playing Scrabble.

JAYNE GRUNT
And he’s worse than the Yanks when it comes to making up words and changing spellings.

INT. TEN DOWNING STREET, PM’S OFFICE — DAY
The Retardis is standing in one corner.

The Brigadier, the Doctor, and a senior minister are playing Scrabble with the Prime Minister, while Jayne Grunt, Captain Bates, Swan-Li, & Turdlow watch on.

The Doctor puts down the letters DRXWQYL.

BRIGADIER
Driks-wokl?   What the hell does that mean?

THE DOCTOR
It’s pronounced dracks-wekkle and is a Gallafartian word for boredom.

PM starts clapping his hands in delight.

THE PRIME MINISTER (Grinning idiotically.)
Goody!   Goody!   New word make Tony laugh.

He starts giggling idiotically.

The Doctor & the Brigadier exchange a puzzled look.

BRIGADIER
Looks like we’re in luck, Doctor.   We seem to have caught the PM in one of his more lucid moments…
(Half a beat.)
Now would someone please wipe the dribble from his chin.

The Doctor holds out a couple of tissues and wipes down the PM’s face.

PM starts making baby-blurting noises as she wipes his chin.

INT. NUCLEAR POWER STATION, CONTROL ROOM — LIT
half-a-dozen people working at PC terminals and watching various gauges.

ALARMS start blaring and FOOTSTEPS O/S.

DIRECTOR
Oh my God, what is going on?

ASSISTANT DIRECTOR (Checking gauges.)
I’m not sure, everything seems to be….

Door bursts open and security men burst in….

DIRECTOR
What the hell are you men doing?

SECURITY CHIEF
We’re under attack, sir.

EXPLOSION then a hole appears in the wall and Ice-Cream-Warrior Leader and two Ice-Cream Warriors walk through the wall.

ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER
Do not try to resist us, ice-cream-eating barbarians, we have come to take your piles.

ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
Gladly, they’ve been killing me lately.

ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER
No, no, dingle, I meant your nuclear reactor piles.

ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
Oh, well that’s different.   You certainly can’t have them.

Ice-Cream-Warrior Leader holds up his right hand.

He presses a slot on the ring to reveal the red button, which he presses.

Dinosaur BELLOWING and two dinosaurs lumber through the wall into the control room.

The technicians and security guards scream and run away as the dinosaurs start toward them.

ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER (Smiling smugly.)
On the contrary, Earthling scum, as long as I have this ring, I can do anything.

INT. PM’S OFFICE — DAY — AS BEFORE

PHONE RINGING.

Bates picks up the receiver.

CAPTAIN BATES
Captain Bates speaking for the Prime Minister.   Yes, I see…
(Half a beat.)
Ah ha…
(Half a beat.)
I see…
(Half a beat.)
Yes…
(Half a beat.)
I see…
(Half a beat.)
Ah ha…
(Half a beat.)
I see…
(Half a beat.)
Yes, okay, I’ll tell him.

He hangs up.

BRIGADIER
What’s up now?

CAPTAIN BATES
The Ice-Cream Warriors have just attacked our newest nuclear power station.

JAYNE GRUNT (Puzzled.)
You mean the one we built forty years ago?

CAPTAIN BATES
Er, exactly.

THE DOCTOR
We’d better get down there at once.

They all race across toward the Retardis.

INT. POWER STATION, CONTROL ROOM — LIT
The room is a mess with PCs and equipment smashed, and corpses lying about the place.

There are gaping entrance and exit holes made in the wall by the dinosaurs, and two large piles of melting ice cream.

The Doctor and Turdlow are examining the reactor equipment, while the Brigadier and the others check for any survivors, other than Assistant Director and Director who both are shaky on their feet.

THE DOCTOR
The reactor core is in overload.

JAYNE GRUNT
Is that good or bad?

THE DOCTOR (Amazed.)
The nuclear reaction is building up and there’s no way to stop it.

JAYNE GRUNT (Puzzled.)
So, what are you trying to say, Doc?

SWAN-LI
Allow me, Doctor, I might be able to break it to her gently.

THE DOCTOR
Very well, Swan-Li.

Swan-Li picks up a guitar, strums it, and starts singing:

SWAN-LI (Singing.)
“Don’t they know…
(Half a beat.)
It’s the end,
Of the wor…
(Half a beat.)
Orld?”

ASSISTANT DIRECTOR/JAYNE GRUNT/CAPTAIN BATES/
BRIGADIER
Aaaaaaaaaaah!   It’s the end of the world!   It’s the end of the world!

They start racing around the room madly, screaming.

TURDLOW (Puzzled.)
I thought you said you were going to break it to them gently?

SWAN-LI
No, I just wanted a vocal solo in this film.

The Doctor and Turdlow both glare at Swan-Li.

BRIGADIER
Can’t we escape in the Retardis?

THE DOCTOR
No time even for that, it’s going to blow any second now.

DIRECTOR/ASSISTANT DIRECTOR/JAYNE GRUNT/CAPTAIN BATES/BRIGADIER/TURDLOW/SWAN-LI/THE DOCTOR
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

ALARMS start blaring again.

VOICE OVER INTERCOM Warning!   Warning the power station’s reactor core is in overload!   warning this power station will blow in ten seconds…
(Half a beat.)
Ten…
(Half a beat.)
Nine…
(Half a beat.)
Eight…
(Half a beat.)
Seven…
(Half a beat.)
Six…
(Half a beat.)
Five…
(Half a beat.)
Four…
(Half a beat.)
Three…
(Half a beat.)
Two…
(Half a beat.)
One…
(Half a beat.)
Pouf!

JAYNE GRUNT/CAPTAIN BATES/BRIGADIER/TURDLOW/
SWAN-LI/THE DOCTOR
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

ALARM stops blaring.

THE DOCTOR (Astonished.)
Pouf!   What kind of explosion is that?

ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
Probably the only kind possible without a nuclear pile.

JAYNE GRUNT/CAPTAIN BATES/BRIGADIER/TURDLOW/
SWAN-LI/THE DOCTOR
What?

ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
Oh, I’m sorry, did we forget to mention that the Ice-Cream Warriors took the nuclear pile with them?

THE DOCTOR (Shouting.)
You great, hairy dingleberries!

TURDLOW
You mean you made me crap myself for nothing?

The Doctor and the others turn to stare at him.

TURDLOW (Embarrassed.)
Not, that I crapped myself, you understand.

The Doctor and the others back away from him.

THE DOCTOR
Come on, let’s go explore the rest of the complex for any clues to where the Ice-Cream Warriors may have gone next.
(Half a beat.)
And for God’s sake, Turdlow, go and take a shower, and change before we all gag to death.

He hangs his head in shame.

EXT. OUTSIDE COMPLEX — DAY — THE DOCTOR, SWAN-LI,
Turdlow, Jayne Grunt, Captain Bates, and the Brigadier walking between two buildings, approaching a corner.

Swan-Li is trotting a few metres ahead of the others.

THE DOCTOR
Be careful, Swan-Li, whatever you do, don’t make a sound.

SWAN-LI (Looking back.)
Trust me, Doc.

Swan-Li walks round the corner.

CRASHING as Swan-Li falls over rubbish bins.

THE DOCTOR (Frustrated.)
I knew it, I just knew I was in trouble as soon as she said it.

TURDLOW
You sure were, Doc.

The Doctor and the others race around the corner.

EXT. COMPLEX GROUND, AROUND CORNER — DAY
The Doctor and the others run around the corner and find Swan-Li lying across some metal rubbish bins.

THE DOCTOR (Frustrated.)
And they call me the Goof-up from Gallafart?

SWAN-LI
We sure do, Doc.

Turdlow moves forward to help Swan-Li to her feet and takes the opportunity to feel her arse.

SWAN-LI (Slapping at his hands.)
Hey, stop that!

She runs a few metres from Turdlow.

THE DOCTOR
Compared to you, subtlety is my middle name.

SWAN-LI (Disbelief.)
Who?   You?

TURDLOW
Yes, it’s true, subtlety really is her middle name.

THE DOCTOR
Thank you, Turdlow.

TURDLOW
But like most people, she never uses her middle name.

THE DOCTOR
How dare you!

The Doctor turns and CRASHES into the rubbish bins herself.

JAYNE GRUNT
She was right, she is as subtle as Swan-Li.

THE DOCTOR
Shut up and help me up.

They help the Doctor to her feet and she storms past the others toward a small door.

The Doctor grabs the door handle and tries to open it.

She rattles the handle for a moment then turns toward the Brigadier who is carrying some sheaths of paper.

THE DOCTOR
What is supposed to be in here?

The Brigadier reads the number off the door, then checks his papers.

BRIGADIER
Emergency control room and access to crawl spaces.

TURDLOW
Crawl spaces?

CAPTAIN BATES
Underground tunnels connecting the various building complexes together.

The Doctor knocks on the door tentatively at first, then a little louder.

CAPTAIN BATES
Let me try, Doctor.

He walks over and THUMP!   THUMP!   THUMPS! a hand upon the door.

They listen for a moment, but there is only silence.

BRIGADIER
Well, we can’t wait here all day.

THE DOCTOR
Okay, Swan-Li wait here and the rest of us will go on.   If anyone comes to the door call me as loud as you can.

SWAN-LI
Got you, Doc.

Leaving Swan-Li, the Doctor and the others walk on and round another corner.

EXT. COMPLEX GROUND, AROUND NEXT CORNER — DAY
The Doctor and the others walk into sight.

SWAN-LI O/S (Shouting.)
Me!   Me!   Me!   Me!   Me!   Me!

The Doctor and the Brigadier exchange a puzzle glance.

TURDLOW
Oy vay, dingleberries yet!

The Doctor and the others turn and run back the way they came.

EXT. COMPLEX GROUND, AROUND CORNER — DAY — SWAN-LI still waiting by the door, where a man now stands, as the Doctor and the others race back round corner toward her.

SWAN-LI (Shouting.)
Me!   Me!   Me!   Me!   Me!   Me!

THE DOCTOR
What are you doing, dingleberry?

SWAN-LI (Pointing at man in doorway.)
You said if anyone came to the door….

THE DOCTOR/TURDLOW/JAYNE GRUNT/BRIGADIER/CAPTAIN BATES
You were to call, “Me”.

SWAN-LI
Exactly.

The Doctor and Jayne Grunt exchange a puzzled look.

THE DOCTOR
She really is a major dingleberry.

JAYNE GRUNT (Frustrated.)
And people call me a bimbo.

THE DOCTOR/TURDLOW/SWAN-LIBRIGADIER/CAPTAIN BATES
We certainly do.

Jayne Grunt glares at them but doesn’t say anything.

MAN in doorway groans and collapses forward.

Jayne Grunt & Swan-Li scream and leap away, but Captain Bates catches Man and holds him up.

THE DOCTOR
Take him back inside.

Bates starts leading Man back into the building.

INT. EMERGENCY CONTROL ROOM — LIT
It is similar to, but much smaller than the main control room, with less controls, and only one PC monitor.   It also has a full-world map taped to a white board.

Unlike the main control room, this room has not been damaged.

THE DOCTOR
Can you tell us what happened?

MAN
Those Ice-Cream Warrior creatures came here and shut down the emergency control banks.

BRIGADIER
Then what?

MAN
Nothing, they just left.

CAPTAIN BATES
They just left?   Just like that?

MAN
Yes.

BRIGADIER
What can they have been playing at?   They didn’t need to come here at all after smashing the main control room and taking the reactor pile.

THE DOCTOR
Did they leave any clue as to where they went?

MAN
Yes, they tacked that up.

He points to the world map on the white board.

The Doctor and the others walk over and examine the map, which has a small red X over part of the Arctic Circle.

SWAN-LI
That’s convenient.   They’ve left us the location of their base in the Arctic Circle.

BRIGADIER
Rather too convenient, Swan-Li.

JAYNE GRUNT
What do you mean?

THE DOCTOR
Do the words, “They want us to walk into a trap” mean anything to you?

JAYNE GRUNT
(Considering a moment.) “They want us to walk into a trap”?   “They want us to walk into a trap”?
(Shaking head.)
No, I don’t think…
(Half a beat/Inspiration-struck.)
Oh my God, they want us to walk into a trap!

CAPTAIN BATES
God this girl is fast.

THE DOCTOR (Shaking head.)
And she gets upset if we call her a bimbo.

BRIGADIER
Maybe we can still use their co-ordinates to our advantage.   I’ll get on the blower to Eunuch Command, Geneva and get them to bomb the Ice-Cream Warriors’s Arctic base.

TURDLOW
And risk setting off the atomic bomb?

THE DOCTOR
He’s right.

BRIGADIER (Considering a moment.)
What we need is some counter-intelligence.

TURDLOW
Then Doc’s your man, Brig.   She’s the most counter-intelligent person I’ve ever met.

THE DOCTOR
How dare you!   That isn’t what counter intelligence means.

SWAN-LI
Then what does it mean?

THE DOCTOR
It means.
(Considering a moment.)
Er, well, um, never mind what it means.   But it doesn’t mean that.
(To the Brigadier.)
Let us go in first in the Retardis, then if we fail you can bomb the base as a last resort.

SWAN-LI
But give us at least twenty-four hours before dropping your bombs.

BRIGADIER
Very well, Doctor, I hope you know what you’re doing?

INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — LIT — TURDLOW &
Swan-Li lying across the consul, with Turdlow now using the one safety belt, while the Doctor operates the controls.

OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY, then a lurch as the Retardis lands and MOTOR STOPS.

THE DOCTOR
Okay you two, let’s go.

The Doctor turns the red knob on the consul.

ENGINE WHIRRING and the Retardis’s doors open.

INT. ARCTIC BASE — DAY
The Retardis is standing on one side of the door.

After a moment the Doctor, Swan-Li, and Turdlow step out and look around the room.

The room is empty except for half-a-dozen chairs and a small table.

TURDLOW
The air’s a bit thin on the ground, Doc.

THE DOCTOR
Relax, we’ve got minutes to go before we asphyxiate.

Swan-Li & Turdlow exchange a puzzled look.

The Doctor takes a step forward and crashes to the ground.

SWAN-LI
Aaaaaaaaaaaah!   The Doc has asphyxiated!

THE DOCTOR
Calm down, I just tripped over.

Turdlow helps the Doctor back to her feet.

SWAN-LI
Doc, if this is a trap, shouldn’t the Ice-Cream Warriors be about somewhere to catch us?

TURDLOW
Yes, where are they?   There’s nowhere for them to go out here.

THE DOCTOR (Pointing at it.)
Possibly out through this door.

She walks across to the door, opens it, and steps out.

THE DOCTOR
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Swan-Li and Turdlow race across and look out.

INT./EXT. ARCTIC BASE/MOUNTAIN — LIT/DAY
Swan-Li and Turdlow standing in the doorway watching as the Doctor free-falls off the edge of a steep mountain the base is on top of.

SWAN-LI (Shocked.)
Oh no, she’ll die!

TURDLOW (Shocked.)
Oh no!   Then we’ll be stranded, since we don’t know how to fly the Retardis.

SWAN-LI (Glaring at him.)
Thank you, Mr Caring.

EXT. MOUNTAINSIDE — DAY
As the Doctor is free-falling, she starts hunting through the large cloth bag on her left arm and starts pulling out a myriad things: bits of string, pens and pencils, clipboards, umbrellas, paperback books, yo-yos, deck-chairs, a potted rubber plant, a surf board, ice skates, inflated plastic beach toys, a card table, plus various other odds and sods.

As she pulls them out, she releases the various objects, which plummet out of sight down the mountainside.

Finally, she pulls out a parachute and manages to put it on with some difficulty.
She pulls the rip-chord and the chute opens out.

With some difficulty, the Doctor manages to use her legs to guide herself toward the very steep side of the mountain, where she manages to land with difficulty.

She looks up the mountain to where Swan-Li and Turdlow can be seen staring out the door of the base.

THE DOCTOR
Now here comes the hard part.

She starts hunting through her cloth bag again until pulling out a crossbow and mountaineering gear.   Including great lengths of rope.

She ties one of the lengths of rope to the metal crossbow bolt, then fires it up the mountain toward where Swan-Li and Turdlow are watching her.

The Doctor struggles out of her parachute harness and leaves it on the mountain, and starts slowly, meticulously climbing the rope back up the mountain.

INT./EXT. ARCTIC BASE/MOUNTAIN — LIT/DAY
Swan-Li and Turdlow kneeling in the doorway watching as the Doctor slowly climbs up the rope.

SWAN-LI
She’s taking her time getting back up here.

TURDLOW
I don’t think she’s an expert mountain climber.

SWAN-LI
I don’t think Doc’s an expert at anything.

Finally the Doctor climbs up within reach of the doorway.

THE DOCTOR
Well, give me a hand someone.

She reaches toward them with one hand.

Swan-Li and Turdlow both reach down toward the Doctor.

From behind them steps an Ice-Cream Warrior who reaches down, grabs the Doctor’s hand and pulls her up into the building.

INT. ARCTIC BASE — LIT
The Doctor, Swan-Li, and Turdlow staring in shock at Ice-Cream-Warrior Leader and 2nd Ice-Cream-Warrior.

ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER
So, Doctor, what do you say now?

He slams shut the door and locks it.

THE DOCTOR
Thank you.

ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER
You’re welcome, Doctor.

Swan-Li and Turdlow exchange a puzzled look.

SWAN-LI
I don’t know who’s more mental?   The Doctor, or him?

TURDLOW
Well…
(Considering a moment.)
It’s very close.   But I’d say Doc just shades him.

ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER
So, Doctor, how are you going to escape from my cunning trap?

THE DOCTOR
Like this, I suppose.

She holds up the psychic-screwdriver and spins the setting then pushes a button.

A yellow beam shoots from the psychic-screwdriver and hits 2nd Ice-Cream-Warrior who EXPLODES.

Swan-Li and Turdlow stare at his bloody remains in horror.

THE DOCTOR
Whoops, sorry!   Wrong setting.

The Doctor spins the setting adjuster again and aims psychic-screwdriver at Ice-Cream-Warrior Leader and pushes the button again.

A much paler yellow beam shoots out and stuns Ice-Cream-Warrior Leader.

ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!   My eyes!   My Eyes!

He drops his ice-cream gun and collapses to the floor.

THE DOCTOR
Okay, let’s get out of here.

SWAN-LI (Indignant.)
Doctor, you discombobulated the first bloke, when you should have only stunned him.

THE DOCTOR
Accidents will happen, you know.

TURDLOW
And she ought to know.

THE DOCTOR
Shut up, and just follow me.

She races across to a second door and grabs the handle, and tries to turn it.

THE DOCTOR
Damn, it’s locked.

TURDLOW
Allow me, Doc.

He takes a glider-clip from his shirt pocket, straightens the clip out, puts one end into the lock and swivels it round once or twice.

CLICK and door swings open outwards.

THE DOCTOR
Thank you, you despicable little thief.   We really will have to remind the Brig to have another look into that spate of unsolved car thefts in London last year.

SWAN-LI (Shaking head.)
Not to mention those thefts of a number of heavy prime movers a few months back.

TURDLOW (Indignant.)
I’m innocent, I swear it.

INT. CORRIDOR — LIT
The Doctor & her companions run out of the room and start down a long corridor.

BEGIN CORRIDOR MONTAGE.
The Doctor, Swan-Li & Turdlow running down corridor.

The Doctor, Swan-Li & Turdlow running down a second corridor.

The Doctor, Swan-Li & Turdlow running down a corridor past a T-junction.

The Doctor, Swan-Li & Turdlow running down a fourth corridor.

The Doctor, Swan-Li & Turdlow running down a corridor past an X-junction.

The Doctor, Swan-Li & Turdlow running down a corridor toward an open door.

END CORRIDOR MONTAGE.

INT. FILING & STORAGE ROOM — LIT
The Doctor, Swan-Li & Turdlow race inside the room, which is surrounded by metal cupboards and filing cabinets.

FOOTSTEPS OUTSIDE.

SWAN-LI (Shouting.)
Hide everybody!

The Doctor & Turdlow duck behind cabinets.

THE DOCTOR
Dingle!   Why didn’t you just conduct a brass band to let them know where we are?

SWAN-LI (Shrugging.)
Very well, Doc.

Swan-Li turns round to face a brass band.

She taps a baton three times on a music stand to get their attention, then starts conducting them.

They start playing, “Land of Hope and Glory”.

The Doctor & Turdlow exchange an astonished look.

THE DOCTOR
Shut up, dingles, I was being sarky for Christ’s sake.

SWAN-LI (Very disappointed.)
Oh.
(Tapping baton on stand again.)
Okay guys, take five.

Band stops playing.

Door opens and two Ice-Cream Warriors enter.

ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER
So, Doctor, we meet again!

The Doctor reaches into her bag and pulls out the psychic-screwdriver, but Ice-Cream-Warrior Leader snatches it out of her hands.

ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER
Ah ah, Doctor, not this time.

3RD ICE-CREAM WARRIOR
What shall we do with them, leader?

ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER
Lock them in here, they can’t do any harm.

The two Ice-Cream Warriors leave and KEY TURNS in lock.

Turdlow walks over to check the door.

TURDLOW
It’s locked, all right, but don’t worry, I can get us out of here in two seconds flat.

He puts straightened glider-clip into lock.

THE DOCTOR
Before you do, open some of these cabinets.

SWAN-LI
How come?

Turdlow walks across and CLICKS open a cabinet beside the Doctor in two seconds.

THE DOCTOR
We might find something useful in their records.

Brass band starts playing, “Land of Hope and Glory” again

THE DOCTOR
Shut up, for Christ’s sake!   I’m trying to think!

TURDLOW
And Doc needs absolute quiet before she can form a rational thought.

THE DOCTOR
You shut up too!

INT. FILING & STORAGE ROOM — LIT — TEN MINUTES
LATER

CLICK and door to the last cabinet swings open.

Swan-Li and the Doctor are already leafing through hundreds of documents taken from the various cabinets.

THE DOCTOR
Thank you, you despicable little thief.   We really must remind the Brig to have another look into those unsolved car thefts in London last year.

SWAN-LI (Shaking head.)
Not to mention those thefts of a number of heavy prime movers a few months back.

TURDLOW (Indignant.)
I’m innocent, I swear it.

THE DOCTOR
Shut up you despicable little thief and help us look for anything useful.

BAND LEADER
What should we do?

TURDLOW
You’d better help search too, or it’ll take days to go through all these papers.

INT. FILING & STORAGE ROOM — LIT — AN HOUR LATER
The Doctor and the others still sorting through papers and diagrams found in the various cabinets.

BAND LEADER
I’ve found something.

THE DOCTOR (Looking up.)
What is it?

BAND LEADER
It looks like the layout of this complex.

THE DOCTOR
Hand it across.

Band Leader hands the diagram to Swan-Li, who passes it to Turdlow, who gives it to the Doctor.

The Doctor studies the diagram for a few moments.

THE DOCTOR (Pointing at map.)
Yes, we’re here, and…
(Half a beat.)
The missile guidance room is here.   If we could make our way there without being caught again, we should be able to sabotage the nuclear missile so they can’t fire it.

TURDLOW (Holding up bent glider-clip.)
Okay, let’s go.

He walks across to the door, places clip into the lock, clicks it round twice, then pulls open the door.

The Doctor and the others start after him.

INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE STORAGE ROOM — LIT
Turdlow steps out followed by the Doctor, Swan-Li and the brass band.

The Doctor looks at the diagram again then points down the corridor to RHS of SHOT.

THE DOCTOR
It’s this way.   Come on but be very quiet.

They start tiptoeing down the corridor.

BEGIN CORRIDOR MONTAGE.
The Doctor and the others tiptoeing down a first corridor.

The Doctor and the others tiptoeing down a corridor toward a T-junction.

The Doctor stops to check the map again, then points down a corridor LHS of SHOT and they start tiptoeing that way.

The Doctor and the others tiptoeing down a fourth corridor.

The Doctor and the others tiptoeing down a corridor to an X-junction.

Again they stop while the Doctor checks the map.

She points on ahead and they continue that way.

The Doctor and the others tiptoeing down a corridor toward a closed door.

END CORRIDOR MONTAGE.

INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE LOCKED DOOR — LIT

THE DOCTOR
It should be through there.

SWAN-LI
Okay, Turdlow, do your magic.

Turdlow steps forward, places the bent clip into the lock and twists it once or twice.

CLICK and door swings open outwards.

THE DOCTOR
We really must remind the Brig to have another look into that spate of unsolved car thefts in London last year.

SWAN-LI (Shaking head.)
Not to mention those thefts of a number of heavy prime movers a few months back.

TURDLOW (Indignant.)
I’m innocent, I swear it.

THE DOCTOR
Shut up and follow me.

The Doctor steps into the room, followed by the others.

INT. MISSILE-GUIDANCE ROOM — LIT
The Doctor and the others step in and stare round at the masses of controls lining the room.

In one corner is a consul marked “Main Control Bank”.

THE DOCTOR
This way.

She walks over and sits down at the main control bank; Turdlow and Swan-Li sit beside her as the Doctor starts looking over the controls and various dials.

THE DOCTOR
Ah, this is interesting.   It seems that although they stole the missile and the launcher, they don’t have the missile start-up codes.

TURDLOW
Do you think the Ice-Cream Warriors can work out the start-up codes to activate this thing?

THE DOCTOR (Pointing at it.)
This thing?   Sure, it’s as easy as Alpha-Beta-Delta-Gamma.

TURDLOW (Puzzled.)
Alpha-Beta-Delta-Gamma?

SWAN-LI
You couldn’t just say “as easy as Pi” could you, Doc?

THE DOCTOR (Indignant.)
Of course not.   Have you ever known me to use a cliché like that?

Swan-Li and Turdlow exchange a puzzled look.

SWAN-LI
Is she kidding, or what?

TURDLOW
You got me.
(To the Doctor.)
Any normal person would have said easy as Pi.

SWAN-LI
Yeah, or piece of cake.

THE DOCTOR
All right then, “Piece of cake”.

Swan-Li picks up a slice of chocolate cake on a saucer and hands the saucer to the Doctor.

THE DOCTOR
Thank you.

She takes a large bite of the cake then looks back to the control bank.

THE DOCTOR
As for starting this thing, it’s easy enough.   It’s usually some simple binary code sequence.   You know like, “One-A, Two-B, Three-C”, that basic kind of Star Trek crap!

She starts punching some buttons on a keyboard in front of her.

ROARING and a section of the control bank sudden lights up.

THE DOCTOR
That’s the first quarter of the control sequence.   Now let’s try….

She starts punching some buttons on the keyboard in front of her.

ROARING and the second section of the control bank sudden lights up.

THE DOCTOR
That’s the second quarter of the control sequence.   Now let’s try something else….

She starts punching buttons on the keyboard in front of her.

ROARING and a third section of the control bank sudden lights up.

THE DOCTOR
That’s the third quarter of the control sequence.   Now let’s try this….

She starts punching buttons on the keyboard in front of her.

ROARING and the final section of the control bank sudden lights up.

THE DOCTOR
Then it’s just a matter of adjusting the directional controls.
(Considering a moment.)
Say for Buckingham Palace.

She adjusts some of the controls and a viewer screen activates and shows Buckingham Palace.

THE DOCTOR
Then you just push that button to fire it.

The Doctor goes to push a green button.

TURDLOW/SWAN-LI/BAND LEADER
Doctor!

Swan-Li grabs her hand to stop the Doctor pushing the button.

THE DOCTOR (Puzzled.)
What’s wrong?

TURDLOW
You were about to nuke Buck-Palace you great, hairy dingle.

THE DOCTOR (Embarrassed.)
Er, yes, perhaps you’re right.   Maybe the White House would be a better target.

She adjusts some of the controls and the image on the screen changes to the White House.

THE DOCTOR
See, that’s all there is to it.   Now if I can activate this thing, the Ice-Cream Warriors certainly can.

FOOTSTEPS OUTSIDE then Ice-Cream-Warrior Leader and two other Ice-Cream Warriors walk into the room.

ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER
Thank you for arming the missile for us, Doctor.   We knew that if we left a patently obvious trap back at the nuclear power station, you wouldn’t be able to resist walking straight into it.   Then we just had to leave the floor plan of this building in the storage room for you to find.   Then rely on the skills of that despicable little thief…
(Pointing at Turdlow.)
To get you through the various doors to find your way here.

TURDLOW (Shouting.)
Doctor, you great dingle.

The Doctor hurriedly starts pressing buttons on the consul with both hands.

The two Ice-Cream Warriors race forward and grab her by the arms and pull her out of her chair.

The Doctor starts kicking at buttons with both feet and manages to de-active one section of the guidance sequence before two more Ice-Cream Warriors race into the room and grab her feet.

The four Ice-Cream Warriors carry the Doctor, kicking furiously against them, out into the corridor.

Ice-Cream-Warrior Leader sits down at the consul, presses three buttons to re-activate the shutdown section, and then pushes the green button.

INSERT — ATOMIC BOMB EXPLODING AND ROARING UP
into a great mushroom cloud.

SWAN-LI V/O (Singing.)
“Don’t they know…
(Half a beat.)
It’s the end…
(Half a beat.)
Of the wor…
(Half a beat.)
Orld?”

THE DOCTOR/TURDLOW/BAND LEADER/ALL BAND MEMBERS
Aaaaaaaaaaah!   It’s the end of the world!

NARRATOR
Actually that isn’t what really happened.   We just wanted to let you see what could have happened thanks to the Doctor’s stupidity in activating the missile guidance controls for the Ice-Cream Warriors.

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT TWO:

ACT THREE:

FADE IN:
INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE MISSILE-GUIDANCE ROOM — LIT
Ice-Cream Warriors carrying the Doctor out into the corridor, followed by Swan-Li, Turdlow, the brass band, and Ice-Cream-Warrior Leader.

INT. BARRED PRISON CELL — LIT
FOOTSTEPS OUTSIDE then the door opens and Ice-Cream Warriors appear carrying the Doctor and leading the others.

They toss the Doctor onto a bunk, then step outside to allow Swan-Li, Turdlow and the brass band to enter.

3RD ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR
Hope you like your cell.

Ice-Cream Warriors snicker at this.

ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER (Pointing ice-cream-gun at them.)
All right, empty out your pockets.

Swan-Li, Turdlow, and the brass band all do as instructed, producing a great range of odds and sods.

ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER (Pointing ice-cream-gun at them.)
Now you, Doctor.

THE DOCTOR (Patting down her dress.)
I’m not wearing pockets.

ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER
Very well, empty out that oversized handbag.

TURDLOW/SWAN-LI
Uh-oh!

THE DOCTOR
If you insist.

The Doctor opens her huge cloth bag and starts pulling things out of the bag: half-a-dozen deck chairs, yo-yos, a bowl of plastic fruit, an inflated beach ball, a boomerang, a full length mirror, a hat wrack, a ball of string, pens and pencils, clipboards, apple cores, umbrellas, paperback books, etc.

INT. CELL — LIT — FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER
The Doctor and the others are now standing beside a trailer with a powerboat on it.   Stacked on top of the boat and trailer are various types of football, yo-yos, a small lounge suite, fruit and vegetables of various kinds, potted rubber plants, plus various other odds and sods.

The Doctor is still hunting through her large cloth bag.   She pulls out a surf board, ice skates, a DVD-RAM, inflated plastic beach toys, a card table, a crossbow and mountaineering gear, an assortment of military hats, lengths of rope….

Ice-Cream Warriors are looking astonished.

ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER
Enough, already.   Jesus you can keep anything else that’s in there!

TURDLOW
Well, we did warn you.

Ice-Cream-Warrior Leader glares at him.

ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER
Well, Doctor, it looks like I’ve beaten you at last.

SWAN-LI
No way, no one ever beats the Doc.

THE DOCTOR
Thank you, Swan-Li.

SWAN-LI
They just outsmart her sometimes.

TURDLOW
Quite often actually.

THE DOCTOR
How dare you!   Just how dumb do you two think I am anyway?

Swan-Li and Turdlow exchange a puzzled look.

SWAN-LI
Well, let me put it like this, Doc, “Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuh”.

THE DOCTOR
How dare you!   I’m not even blonde.   So I don’t know why you’re telling duh-jokes at my expense.

Ice-Cream-Warrior Leader turns and strides out, followed by other Ice-Cream Warriors.

DOOR SLAMMING, then KEY IN LOCK.

SWAN-LI (Hysterical.)
Oh God, oh God, we’re trapped.   And thanks to the Doctor’s stupidity the Ice-Cream Warriors have an armed nuclear missile.

TURDLOW
Jesus, does anyone know how to deal with a hysterical woman?

BAND LEADER
You have to slap them.

In the b/g Swan-Li keeps screaming.

TURDLOW
I’m not slapping Swan-Li.

BAND LEADER
Well don’t look at me.

BAND MEMBER
Leave this to me, I know how to hit a woman…
(Half a beat.)
I was married for ten years.

He steps forward and slaps Swan-Li hard.

Swan-Li shuts up and stares at him for a moment, then she punches Band Member in the face.

BAND MEMBER
Glurk!

He goes flying backwards and CRASHES into the cell bars, and collapses to the floor.

Turdlow and the others stare at him for a moment.

TURDLOW
No wonder he’s divorced…
(Half a beat.)
If he can’t hit a woman better than that!

Swan-Li and the brass band members all turn to stare at Turdlow for a moment.

INT. CELL — LIT — A LITTLE LATER
FOOTSTEPS OUTSIDE then Ice-Cream-Warrior Leader enters followed by three Ice-Cream Warriors.

Ice-Cream-Warrior Leader walks across and unlocks the cell door.

ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER
Out you come.

SWAN-LI
Where are you taking us?

TURDLOW
Yes, you can’t keep us prisoner forever you know?

ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER
We don’t intend to.   You are of no further use to us.

THE DOCTOR
You mean you’re going to kill us?

SWAN-LI/TURDLOW/BAND LEADER
Aaaaaaaaaaaah!   They’re going to kill us!

ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER
Calm down, dingleberries, we’re not going to kill you.   We’re letting you go.

THE DOCTOR (Suspicious.)
Letting us go?   Just like that?

ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER
Yes, we have no further need to detain you.   So, since you were kind enough to activate the missile guidance system for us, we have decided to let you go.

3RD ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR
Your Retardis is in the main hall.

He points down corridor outside the door.

THE DOCTOR
Very well.

She tentatively steps out of the cell, followed by Swan-Li and Turdlow.

BAND LEADER
What about us?

ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER
You may leave too.

The band steps out and starts out into the corridor.

ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER
Goodbye, Doctor, hopefully we won’t meet again.

THE DOCTOR
Goodbye.

She holds out her right hand.   Ice-Cream-Warrior Leader hesitates for a second, then shakes hands.

THE DOCTOR (Shouting.)
Okay, let’s go.

She spins and races out into the corridor then races down the direction that 3rd Ice-Cream-Warrior pointed.

SWAN-LI (Puzzled.)
What’s the big hurry, Doctor?

THE DOCTOR O/S
Just come on.

Looking puzzled Swan-Li and the others start after the Doctor

Ice-Cream-Warrior Leader watches them for a moment.

ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER
Good, now I can send the dinosaurs against London and New York without fear of her interference.
(He holds up his right hand, but the growth ring is gone.)
Damn, that ginger-headed geekess stole my ring.   Now I can’t expand the dinosaurs or control them.
(Shouting.)
After her!

INT. CORRIDOR — LIT
BEGIN CORRIDOR MONTAGE.
The Doctor and her companions are racing down the corridor chased by Ice-Cream-Warrior Leader and his Ice-Cream Warriors.

The Doctor and her companions are racing down a corridor toward a T-junction, chased by Ice-Cream-Warrior Leader and his Ice-Cream Warriors.

The Doctor and her companions are racing down a third corridor, chased by Ice-Cream-Warrior Leader and his Ice-Cream Warriors.

The Doctor and her companions are racing down a fourth corridor, chased by Ice-Cream-Warrior Leader and his Ice-Cream Warriors.

The Doctor and her companions are racing down corridor, to an X-junction, chased by Ice-Cream-Warrior Leader and his Ice-Cream Warriors.

Just past the intersection stands the Retardis.   However three more Ice-Cream Warriors are coming down the corridor toward the Doctor and her companions, blocking their path to the Retardis.

END CORRIDOR MONTAGE.

INT. CORRIDOR — LIT — X-JUNCTION
The Doctor and her companions screech to a halt.

SWAN-LI
Doctor, what can we do now?

Ice-Cream Warriors race over and grab the Doctor, Swan-Li, Turdlow and Band Leader by the arms to hold them.

ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER
Give me the growth ring, Doctor, or my Ice-Cream Warriors will kill you!

TURDLOW
And if she does give it to you?

ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER
Then you are still free to go in your Retardis.

THE DOCTOR (Considering a moment.)
Very well.

She takes a ring off her left hand and tosses it to Ice-Cream-Warrior Leader.

ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER
Release them my Ice-Cream Warriors.

Ice-Cream Warriors release the Doctor and her companions.

THE DOCTOR (Shouting.)
Come on, let’s go.

She races past the Ice-Cream Warriors into the Retardis, closely followed by Turdlow, Swan-Li and the brass band.

ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER
With this ring I can control the universe!   No one can defeat me now!

He holds up the ring, which has a Mickey Mouse face on it.

ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER (Puzzled.)
Wait a minute, this isn’t the growth ring.

INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — LIT
The Doctor, Swan-Li and Turdlow at the consul.

FOOTSTEPS OUTSIDE then the brass band races in.

TURDLOW
Oh no, I thought we were rid of those idiots.
 
THE DOCTOR turns a knob on the consul.

ENGINE WHIRRING and the Retardis’s doors close.

Swan-Li TAP-TAP-TAPS a baton on a music stand, to get the bands attention.

SWAN-LI
All right, all together now.

She starts conducting the band as they start playing, “Land of Hope and Glory” again.

THE DOCTOR (Shouting.)
Stop that this instant.

TURDLOW
Yes, if you’re going to play anything, play Rule Britannia.

SWAN-LI (Tapping baton on stand.)
All right guys, Rule Britannia.

The band hurriedly turn over their sheet music and as Swan-Li starts conducting again, they start playing, “Rule Britannia”.

THE DOCTOR
Shut up, all ready!

SWAN-LI (Tapping baton on stand.)
All right guys, take ten.

Band stops playing.

SWAN-LI (Sulky.)
Some people just don’t appreciate band music.   Then what am I supposed to do?

THE DOCTOR
Just come over and stand by the consul, while I get us out of here fast.

Swan-Li starts across toward the consul as the Doctor starts adjusting the consul controls.

MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY, as the Retardis starts up.

TURDLOW
Doctor, you should never have given him back the growth ring.   Now he can control the dinosaurs again.

THE DOCTOR
Don’t worry.
(Holding up right hand to show she is wearing the growth ring.)
That wasn’t the growth ring.

TURDLOW (Puzzled.)
Then what ring did you give him, Doc?

THE DOCTOR
Er, well, um, that is….

Swan-Li holds up her left hand.   There is the fresh imprint of a ring on her ring finger.

SWAN-LI (Angry.)
It had better not have been my Mickey Mouse Club ring.

SHRILL WHISTLING O/S.

SWAN-LI (Angry.)
Doctor how could you, that ring was mine!

THE DOCTOR (Defensive.)
Well, I had to give him a ring so we could get past the Ice-Cream Warriors.   And the growth ring and your Mickey Mouse Club ring were the only ones I had.

SHRILL WHISTLING O/S.

SWAN-LI
Doctor, I’ll kill you for that!

THE DOCTOR
Oh shut up whining.   We all have to make sacrifices sometimes.

BELL RINGING, ECHOING FROM DEEP within the Retardis.

SWAN-LI
It’s the closter bell again.

TURDLOW
Some great disaster is imminent.

THE DOCTOR
(She flips a switch on the consul and the bell stops ringing.)
Relax, I’ll just switch it off.

VOICE FROM CONSUL (Booming.)
Bomba goff soo.   Bomba goff soo.

SWAN-LI
What the hell is that now?

THE DOCTOR
The Retardis’s computer.   The last time I serviced her, I tried to give her vocal powers so she could tell me what’s wrong.

SWAN-LI
So you wouldn’t have to go to all the work of finding out for yourself.

THE DOCTOR (Guilty.)
Er, yeah, exactly.

VOICE FROM CONSUL (Booming.)
Bomba goff soo.   Bomba goff soo.

TURDLOW
Well, you did a great job of installing it.   Jesus, with a computer expert like you aboard, Doc, who needs Bill Gates?

THE DOCTOR
Shut up being sarky at my expense.

VOICE FROM CONSUL (Booming.)
Bomba goff soo.   Bomba goff soo.

SWAN-LI
But what does it mean?

THE DOCTOR
Hang on, I’ll just check the Retardis’s universal translator.

The Doctor types in some commands on the keyboard, then reads out what comes up on the monitor.

THE DOCTOR
Ah, here it is.   There’s a bomb on board…
(Half a beat.)
And it’s about to go off soon.

TURDLOW
Oh, I see.

He looks shocked as he realised what the Doctor said.

TURDLOW/SWAN-LI/BAND LEADER/BRASS BAND MEMBERS
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!   There’s a bomb on board and it’s about to go off soon!

THE DOCTOR (Shouting.)
Stop panicking, dammit, and look around the room.

The Doctor types in some commands on the keyboard, then reads out what comes up on the monitor.

THE DOCTOR
It’s definitely in the consul room.

She types in more commands and again reads out what comes up on the monitor.

THE DOCTOR
Somewhere near the door.

Swan-Li and Turdlow race across to the door, where they find a small box wrapped in brown paper.

SWAN-LI
Here it is, Doc.

The Doctor races over to the package and very gently picks it up.

TICKING can be heard from inside the box.

TURDLOW
This explains the Ice-Cream Warriors kindly letting us go.

SWAN-LI
Oh God, Doc, what’ll we do?

THE DOCTOR
Well, firstly, don’t panic.   I’ll set us down somewhere and we can ditch the bomb outside.

She hands the bomb to Turdlow who takes it very reluctantly.

The Doctor races over to the flight consul and start typing in course co-ordinates.

MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY, as the Retardis starts to land.

The Retardis lands with a lurch, making Turdlow stagger a little.   However he manages to hold onto the bomb and stay on his feet.

SWAN-LI
We’ve landed.

THE DOCTOR
All right, Turdlow, carry it outside gently and set it down.   Then race back inside.

TURDLOW (Shocked.)
Shouldn’t you try to deactivate it first?

THE DOCTOR
No time for that, it could go off any second.

Turdlow walks slowly outside the Retardis carrying the bomb.

TURDLOW O/S
I just hope this thing doesn’t go off while I’m still….

GREAT EXPLOSION O/S and Swan-Li, the Doctor, and the band members are all blown off their feet and knocked unconscious.

INT. CONSUL ROOM — LIT — TWENTY MINUTES LATER
The Doctor and the others lying on the floor, moaning and clutching their heads.

THE DOCTOR
Oh my God, my poor head.

She slowly sits up and holds her head in her hands.

After a moment she crawls across the floor toward Swan-Li and starts checking to see if she is all right.

Band Leader also crawls across to help the Doctor with Swan-Li.

BAND LEADER
Will she be all right, Doctor?

Swan-Li starts to moan, and with their help sits up.

THE DOCTOR
Are you okay, Swan-Li?

SWAN-LI
Yes, Doc, I’m fine.

They suddenly all look shocked.

THE DOCTOR/SWAN-LI/BAND LEADER
Turdlow!

With difficulty they climb to their feet and stagger over toward the Retardis’s door.

EXT. OPEN FIELD — DAY
Blood and entrails are coating the grass in a fine mist for as far as the eye can see.

Swan-Li and the Doctor stagger out of the Retardis and stare about themselves in shock.

By the Retardis’s door is Turdlow’s head silently screaming.

SWAN-LI (Pointing at it.)
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

She turns and races back into the Retardis.

The Doctor stares in shock at Turdlow’s head for a moment, then turns and starts into the Retardis.

INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — LIT — SWAN-LI,
the Doctor, & Band Leader all looking white-faced.

SWAN-LI (Almost crying.)
Oh my God, poor Turdlow.   What can we do for him, Doctor?

THE DOCTOR
There’s only one thing I can do for him.

OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY, then a middle-aged man
dressed like a typical accountant with bowler hat, briefcase and umbrella materialises in the air a few feet off the ground.

Swan-Li squeals in alarm and leaps away; Band Leader and band members all back away in fright.

THE DOCTOR
Oh God, Smethurst, what the hell do you want?

SMETHURST
Ah, ah, Doctor, don’t even consider it!   Do you have any idea what President Veruka would do to you if you violated the first rule of time-travel a second time to bring someone else back to life?

THE DOCTOR (Indignant.)
I wasn’t planning to!   How dare you accuse me of even considering such a reckless, foolhardy thing!

SMETHURST (Bogus UK accent.)
So sorry, Doctor, my mistake.

THE DOCTOR
That’s all right then.

OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY, then SMETHURST vanishes.

The Doctor races over to the consul.

THE DOCTOR
Okay, hold on, I’ve gotta do this quickly before old Smethurst realises that I was lying to him.

INT. RETARDIS #2, CONSUL ROOM — LIT

TURDLOW #2
Doctor, you should never have given him back the growth ring.   Now he can control the dinosaurs again.

THE DOCTOR #2
Don’t worry.
(Holding up right hand to show she is wearing the growth ring.)
That wasn’t the growth ring.

TURDLOW #2 (Puzzled.)
Then what ring did you give him, Doc?

THE DOCTOR #2
Er, well, um, that is….

Swan-Li holds up her left hand.   There is the fresh imprint of a ring on her ring finger.

SWAN-LI #2 (Angry.)
It had better not have been my Mickey Mouse Club ring.

SHRILL WHISTLING O/S.

SWAN-LI #2 (Angry.)
Doctor how could you, that ring was mine!

THE DOCTOR #2 (Defensive.)
Well, I had to give him a ring so we could get past the Ice-Cream Warriors.   And the growth ring and your Mickey Mouse Club ring were the only ones I had.

SHRILL WHISTLING O/S.

SWAN-LI #2
Doctor, I’ll kill you for that!

THE DOCTOR #2
Oh shut up whining.   We all have to make sacrifices sometimes.

BELL RINGING, ECHOING FROM DEEP within the Retardis.

SWAN-LI #2
It’s the closter bell again.

TURDLOW #2
Some great disaster is imminent.

THE DOCTOR
(She flips a switch on the consul and the bell stops ringing.)
Relax, I’ll just switch it off.

VOICE FROM CONSUL (Booming.)
Bomba goff soo.   Bomba goff soo.

SWAN-LI #2
What the hell is that now?

THE DOCTOR #2
The Retardis’s computer.   The last time I serviced her, I tried to give her vocal powers so she could tell me what’s wrong.

SWAN-LI #2
So you wouldn’t have to go to all the work of finding out for yourself.

THE DOCTOR #2 (Guilty.)
Er, yeah, exactly.

VOICE FROM CONSUL (Booming.)
Bomba goff soo.   Bomba goff soo.

TURDLOW #2
Well, you did a great job of installing it.   Jesus, with a computer expert like you aboard, Doc, who needs Bill Gates?

THE DOCTOR #2
Shut up being sarky at my expense.

VOICE FROM CONSUL (Booming.)
Bomba goff soo.   Bomba goff soo.

SWAN-LI #2
But what does it mean?

THE DOCTOR #2
Hang on, I’ll just check the Retardis’s universal translator.

She types in some commands on the keyboard, then reads out what comes up on the monitor.

THE DOCTOR #2
Ah, here it is.   There’s a bomb on board…
(Half a beat.)
And it’s about to go off soon.

TURDLOW #2
Oh, I see.

He looks shocked as he realised what Doctor #2 said.

TURDLOW #2/SWAN-LI #2/BAND LEADER #2/BRASS BAND MEMBERS
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!   There’s a bomb on board and it’s about to go off soon!

THE DOCTOR #2 (Shouting.)
Stop panicking, dammit, and look around the room.

She types in some commands on the keyboard, then reads out what comes up on the monitor.

THE DOCTOR #2
It’s definitely in the consul room.

She types in more commands and again reads out what comes up on the monitor.

THE DOCTOR #2
Somewhere near the door.

Swan-Li and Turdlow race across to the door, where they find a small box wrapped in brown paper.

SWAN-LI #2
Here it is, Doc.

Doctor #2 races over to the package and very gently picks it up.

TICKING can be heard from inside the box.

TURDLOW #2
This explains the Ice-Cream Warriors kindly letting us go.

SWAN-LI #2
Oh God, Doc, what’ll we do?

THE DOCTOR #2
Well, firstly, don’t panic.   I’ll set us down somewhere and we can ditch the bomb outside.

She hands the bomb to Turdlow who takes it very reluctantly.

Doctor #2 races over to the flight consul and start typing in course co-ordinates.

MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY, as the Retardis starts to land.

The Retardis lands with a lurch, making Turdlow stagger a little.   However he manages to hold onto the bomb and stay on his feet.

SWAN-LI #2
We’ve landed.

THE DOCTOR #2
All right, Turdlow, carry it outside gently and set it down.   Then race back inside.

TURDLOW #2 (Shocked.)
Shouldn’t you try to deactivate it first?

THE DOCTOR #2
No time for that, it could go off any second.

OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY, then Retardis #1 appears by the doorway in the Retardis #2.

The doors open and Doctor #1 races out carrying her psychic-screwdriver.

THE DOCTOR #2
Oh no, not you again!   What are you doing here?

THE DOCTOR #1
No time to explain.   Turdlow, give me the bomb.   I have to deactivate it before you get blown up.

She takes the bomb from Turdlow, cuts the string with the psychic-screwdriver, then cuts through sticky tape to remove the brown paper and carefully lifts off the lid.

Inside are seven sticks of gelignite connected to a clock set only seconds in the future.

SWAN-LI #2
Oh God, it’s only got seconds to go!

THE DOCTOR #1
Shut up, don’t panic me now.

She uses the psychic-screwdriver to cut through three wires and carefully removes the sticks of gelignite.

THE DOCTOR #1
Okay, it’s safe now.

She hands the bomb to Turdlow who takes it outside.

Turdlow returns as Doctor #1 walks back toward her own Retardis.

TURDLOW #2
Leaving so soon?

THE DOCTOR #1
I’ve gotta get out of here before Smethurst realises what I’ve done.

She races back into the Retardis.

OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY and the Retardis vanishes.

INT. RETARDIS #1, CONSUL ROOM — LIT
Swan-Li is standing by the consul as the Doctor races inside.

THE DOCTOR
Okay hitch up your knickers and let’s get out of here.

THE DOCTOR turns a knob on the consul.

ENGINE WHIRRING and the Retardis’s doors close.

MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY, as the Retardis starts up and Swan-Li and the Doctor are thrown to the floor.

SWAN-LI
Doctor, you great, hairy dingle!

The Doctor and Swan-Li climb back to their feet and
see Turdlow standing beside the consul.

TURDLOW (Staring at them in astonishment.)
What are you doing down there, you clumsy cows?

THE DOCTOR
That’s gratitude for you!

SWAN-LI
Yeah, after you brought him back to life!

TURDLOW (Puzzled.)
Brought me back to life?
(He clutches his head as though in pain for a moment.)
That’s right, I remember now.   The Doctor blew me to smithereens.

SWAN-LI (Puzzled.)
“Smithereens?”   What B-Westerns have you been watching lately?

THE DOCTOR
Stop nattering, kids, we still have to defeat the Ice-Cream Warriors.

TURDLOW
No, that’s it, Doc!   You’ve done some dumb things in your time.   But blowing me up is the limit.

THE DOCTOR (Puzzled.)
What are you saying exactly?

TURDLOW (Insistent.)
I want you to take me back to Coal Kund School.

THE DOCTOR/SWAN-LI (Shocked.)
What?

TURDLOW
You heard me, Doctor.

THE DOCTOR
If that’s what you really want?

TURDLOW (Insistent.)
It is.

THE DOCTOR
Very well.

She sets co-ordinates into the consul.

MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY, as the Retardis starts up.

INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — LIT — A LITTLE LATER

OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY, then a lurch as the Retardis lands and MOTOR STOPS.

TURDLOW
Where are we now, Doc?

THE DOCTOR
On Earth, of course.

TURDLOW (Sceptical.)
Are you sure?

THE DOCTOR (Indignant.)
Have you ever known me to get my bearings wrong?

Swan-Li and Turdlow exchange a shocked look.

TURDLOW
Oh God, we’re probably on Beta Centauri again.

THE DOCTOR
How dare you!   I haven’t accidentally taken us to Beta Centauri in…
(Half a beat/Considering a moment.)
Oh it must be nearly two weeks now.

TURDLOW
Nine days to be exact.

THE DOCTOR (Angry.)
So who’s counting?

EXT. COAL KUND SCHOOL, PLAY GROUND — DAY

OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY, then the Retardis appears, the doors open and Turdlow and the Doctor step out.

THE DOCTOR
Goodbye, Turdlow.

She kisses him on the cheek.

TURDLOW
Goodbye, Doc.

He holds out his right hand, but the Doctor steps forward and hugs him tightly for a moment.

THE DOCTOR (Releasing Turdlow.)
Goodbye.

TURDLOW
Where’s Swan-Li?

THE DOCTOR
Inside the Retardis.   She couldn’t be bothered seeing you off.   She said to tell you, “Goodbye to bad rubbish”.

TURDLOW (Angry.)
Oh, I see.

Turdlow turns and storms across the yard toward the classrooms.

The Doctor watches him for a moment, then turns and walks back into the Retardis.

OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY and the Retardis disappears.

As Turdlow approaches the class building, four bullies run across to him.

1ST BULLY
Well, well, well, if it isn’t Lowturd.

2ND BULLY
What’re you doing outta class, Lowturd?

3RD BULLY
Hope you’re not wagging, Lowturd?

4TH BULLY
You’re not so tough now you don’t have that redheaded bimbo-Sapiens to look after you, are you, Lowturd?

TURDLOW
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

He punches 3rd Bully, who falls to the bitumen.

Turdlow grabs 4th Bully and knees him.

4th Bully screams and falls to the bitumen.

Finally Turdlow grabs 1st Bully and 2nd Bully and smashes their heads together with loud THUD.

TURDLOW (Shouting.)
The name’s Turdlow, you arseholes!

He turns and storms across to the school building.

1ST BULLY (Shocked.)
What the hell happened?

2ND BULLY (Shaking head.)
He seems to have changed since we saw him last.

INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — LIT
Swan-Li and the Doctor standing near the consul.

OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY, then a lurch as the Retardis lands and MOTOR STOPS.

SWAN-LI
Where are we landing now, Doc?

THE DOCTOR
At the Ice-Cream Warriors’s Arctic base.

SWAN-LI
Are you mad, Doctor?

THE DOCTOR (Considering a moment.)
No…
(Half a beat.)
I don’t think so.   Don’t worry we can use the growth ring on them.

SWAN-LI
But we don’t know how to use it.

THE DOCTOR
We will once I test it on you.

SWAN-LI
Oh, yes, of…
(Shocked.)
What!   Test it?
(Half a beat.)
On whom?
(At camera.)
As if I didn’t know already!

THE DOCTOR
Well, I’ve gotta test it on someone.

BAND LEADER
She’s got a point there, Swan-Li.

THE DOCTOR
So shut up whining and stand in the middle of the consul room…
(Half a beat.)
Where I can get a good shot at you.

Looking unhappy, Swan-Li walks away from the consul.

The Doctor holds up her left hand where she is wearing the large yellowy ring on one finger.

She presses a slot on the ring to reveal the red button, which she presses.

Nothing happens.

THE DOCTOR
Hang on, I’ll try twisting it.

She twists ring one way and a yellow light pours out and engulfs Swan-Li.

Swan-Li starts rapidly growing till she is almost too tall for the Retardis.

SWAN-LI
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!   Wrong way, Doctor!

THE DOCTOR
All right, already, stop panicking.

She twists the red button the other way and the light dims and Swan-Li stops growing.

The Doctor twists the button harder and the yellow light floods out again and Swan-Li shrinks back to something like normal height, then suddenly shrinks down to mouse-sized.

SWAN-LI (In squeaky voice.)
Doctor!

THE DOCTOR
All right, I have to test it, don’t I?

She twists button the first way and Swan-Li starts to grow again, stopping around normal height.

SWAN-LI
Am I back to normal height at last?

THE DOCTOR
Give or take an inch or two.

SWAN-LI (Shocked.)
Whata you mean “Give or take an inch or two”?   I want to be back to exactly the height I was before.

THE DOCTOR (Frustrated.)
Do you know how long I’d have to practice with this thing to be that accurate.

SWAN-LI
Doctor!

THE DOCTOR
Shut up and let’s go shrink some Ice-Cream Warriors.

She reaches into her large cloth back and pulls out her psychic-screwdriver and a large blood-red hexagonal stone, both of which she puts on top of the consul.

The Doctor turns the red knob on the consul.

ENGINE WHIRRING and the Retardis’s doors open.

RUNNING FOOTSTEPS and Ice-Cream-Warrior Leader and a dozen Ice-Cream Warriors race into the Retardis.

ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER
So, Doctor, somehow you have escaped my going-away bomb.   But you shall not escape this.

He points his ice-cream gun at her.

The Doctor holds her left hand out at him and twists the red button.

The yellow light roars out and Ice-Cream Warriors start growing rapidly.

THE DOCTOR
Whoops, wrong way again.

SWAN-LI
Doctor, you great dingle!

The Doctor twists the button the other way and the Ice-Cream Warriors shrink down to normal size, then rapidly shrink down to mouse-size.

THE DOCTOR
Okay, now here’s the deal, Ice-Cream-Warrior Leader, either you let me send you all back to Mars.   Or you can stay on Earth mouse sized.

ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER (In high, squeaky voice.)
You don’t scare me, Doctor.

THE DOCTOR
Damn, where did I put those traps again?

SWAN-LI
They’re under the consul, Doc.

THE DOCTOR
Thank you, Swan-Li.

She bends down and lifts out four giant rattraps.

ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER (In high, squeaky voice.)
Okay, you scare me!   You scare me!   In that case you’ve got a deal, Doctor.

THE DOCTOR
Okay then.

She twists button on ring again and yellow beam shoots out and grows Ice-Cream Warriors back to normal size.

The Doctor holds up red crystal & psychic-screwdriver.

THE DOCTOR
Here we go, then.

SWAN-LI
Hang on Doc.
(Pointing at it.)
He’s still got my Mickey Mouse Club ring.

THE DOCTOR (Staring at her.)
You’re worried about a Mickey Mouse Club ring when the whole world is at stake?

SWAN-LI (Insistent.)
Well, it’s mine and you had no right to give it to him.

ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER
Very well.

He takes off the Mickey Mouse ring and gives it a quick BLOW, then tosses the ring to Swan-Li who catches it and puts it onto her ring finger.

SWAN-LI (Smiling broadly.)
Now you can send them all to Mars.

The Doctor shakes her head and sighs from  frustration.

The Doctor adjusts the psychic-screwdriver, which makes a WHIRRING.

Then she holds the psychic-screwdriver up to the red crystal and presses the button.

A white light shoots out of the psychic-screwdriver, but radiates red through the crystal.

The red light bathes the Ice-Cream Warriors’s whose images shimmer for a second, then blink out of existence.

THE DOCTOR
Let’s go check to see if there are any more Ice-Cream Warriors hiding in the complex.

She starts across toward the Retardis’s doors.

INT. ARCTIC BASE, T-JUNCTION — LIT
The Doctor and Swan-Li are standing before six Ice-Cream Warriors.

The Doctor shoots the psychic-screwdriver through the crystal.

The red light bathes the Ice-Cream Warriors’s whose images shimmer for a second, then blink out of existence.

THE DOCTOR
That’s the last of them.   Let’s get back to the Retardis.

She turns and starts walking back down the corridor.

SWAN-LI
Doc, where did you get that red crystal?

INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — LIT
The Doctor and Swan-Li walk in.

THE DOCTOR
I stumbled upon it among the Crown Jewels.

SWAN-LI (Sceptical.)
Stumbled upon it?

THE DOCTOR (Embarrassed.)
Er, and borrowed it.   Er, um, on ninety-nine-year loan…
(Half a beat/Shouting.)
All right, all right, I half-inched it, commandeered it, helped myself to it.

SWAN-LI
I think “stole” is the word you’re looking for, Doc.

THE DOCTOR (Defensive.)
Well, it’s not entirely my fault.   I was visiting the Tower of London and they forgot to lock the case properly.   And there was this pretty, red crystal right there.
(Half a beat.)
And the next thing you know, it was sort of in my hand.   Then sort of in my handbag.
(Half a beat.)
Then I was sort of running hell for leather back to the Retardis with about a thousand Beefeaters on my tail.

SWAN-LI
I knew it, I knew you stole it!

THE DOCTOR
Okay, but if you keep your voice down no one will ever know.

FOOTSTEPS O/S RHS then a couple of dozen spear-carrying Beefeaters enter from the corridor RHS of SHOT.

THE DOCTOR
Well…
(Half a beat.)
Almost no one.

RUNNING FOOTSTEPS O/S then one of the royal family runs into the Retardis and holds his right hand out toward the Doctor.

The Doctor stares at the hand for a moment, then finally hands him the red stone.

ENGLISH ROYAL
Thank you, Doctor.

He turns and strides out of the Retardis, closely followed by the Beefeaters.

THE DOCTOR turns a knob on the consul.

ENGINE WHIRRING and the Retardis’s doors close.

THE DOCTOR
Damn, and I wanted to keep that red stone.

She reaches under the flight consul and pulls out a jewelled crown, a gold sceptre and a gilded cloak.

She drapes the cloak across her shoulders, puts the crown on her head and holds up the sceptre in her right hand.

THE DOCTOR
Oh well, I guess these will have to do.

SWAN-LI (Shocked.)
Doctor!

THE DOCTOR (Puzzled.)
What is it now?

FREEZE FRAME and hold for CLOSING CREDITS, during
credits Brass Band plays “Land of Hope and Glory”, then “Rule Britannia”.

THE DOCTOR O/S (Shouting.)
Shut up already!

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT THREE:

TAG:

FADE IN:
EXT. CLEARING BY A FOREST — DAY
Retardis is standing in the clearing.   The Doctor, Swan-Li, Petite Toots, Megan, King, Prince, King’s Ancient Mother, and Witch Doctor are standing talking.

PETITE TOOTS (Indignant.)
Doctor, you abandoned me on this place.

THE DOCTOR
Accidents will happen, you know.

MEGAN/PETITE TOOTS/SWAN-LI
That’s her excuse for everything.

BIRDS CHIRPING in the forest.

MEGAN
Listen the birds have come back.

PETITE TOOTS
And smell the fresh flowers.

KING’S ANCIENT MOTHER
The Mayday miracle has happened again.   The Earth is born anew.

THE DOCTOR
Well, that’s one way to look at it.   Personally I prefer to say I’ve conquered the Ice-Cream Warriors and saved the universe yet again.

KING’S ANCIENT MOTHER
Nonsense!   It’s the Mayday miracle, I tell you!

THE DOCTOR
Old bag!

KING’S ANCIENT MOTHER
Watch it.

SWAN-LI
Anyway let’s get going.

THE DOCTOR
Yeah, who wants to hang round with these dweebs anymore than we have to.

The Doctor and Swan-Li turn and walk across to the Retardis followed by Petite Toots.

INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — LIT
The Doctor, Swan-Li, & Petite Toots enter and walk across to the consul.

The Doctor turns a knob on the consul.

ENGINE WHIRRING and the Retardis’s doors close.

PETITE TOOTS
Doctor, about Fido and the other dinosaurs?

THE DOCTOR
What about them?

PETITE TOOTS
I’ve been thinking, shouldn’t you have shrunk them back to normal size before dumping them on this planet?

Dinosaur BELLOWING O/S.

MEGAN O/S
Doctor, you great, hairy dingleberry!

THE DOCTOR
Hmmm, you could be right at that.

FADE OUT:

END OF TAG:

DAGMAN

BORSE

MUGGSY

DAVE CURTIS: White cop

WINSTON MARTIN: Black cop

WOMAN STANDING IN ROAD

CAR DRIVER

CHECK-OUT MAN

1ST ROBBER: Rob

2ND ROBBER

3RD ROBBER

4TH ROBBER

5TH ROBBER

VOICE OF WOMAN ON RADIO

FAT MATRON

BLACK NURSE

1ST MALE ORDERLY

2ND MALE ORDERLY

MYRTLE: Old Woman

FRED: Old Man

2ND ELDERLY WOMAN

POLICE LIEUTENANT

TAMMY VAN HOUSTEN: Policewoman

1ST ELDERLY WOMAN

2ND ELDERLY WOMAN

DEBBIE ALBRIGHT

JEFF NOONER

BENJAMIN BARTLET: Black cop; Metro Cop

PETER WONG: Metro Cop

GEORGIO DEVOPOULOS: Metro Cop

SILVIO FERRANTINO: Metro Cop

WENDY HENNEQUIN: Brunette; Metro Cop

LIZ ECKHARDT: Blonde; Metro Cop

SUZIE JAKUZI: Japanese-born Metro Cop

MICHAEL McKHYBER: Metro Cop

BLONDE DOING PILLOW AD.

CHINESE MAN

FEMALE VOICE OVER MIKE

MARLON-BRANDO LOOK-ALIKE

WAITER

BIG TONY BERTALUCCI

1ST GANGSTER

2ND GANGSTER

3RD GANGSTER

4TH GANGSTER

5TH GANGSTER

6TH GANGSTER

NARRATOR V/O

FARMER

AMI: Farmer’s Wife

COREY: 1st Male Soldier

BOBBY: 2nd Male Soldier

HEIDI: 1st Female Soldier

GINA: 2nd Female Soldier

1ST POLICE SERGEANT

2ND POLICE SERGEANT

DOG

COW

BULL

WOMAN IN FOREST

FEMALE JUDGE

1ST DEFENCE ATTORNEY

DAVE CURTIS’S DEFENCE ATTORNEY

RONALD JOSEPH BLOGGS: Man beheaded

DISTRICT ATTORNEY: Mr Boggins

AXEMAN

DISC JOCKEY

ROD STERLING: Rod Serling Look-Alike

1ST COP

2ND COP

DAVE CURTIS’S MOTHER

PRIEST IN AUDIENCE

BAILIFF

1ST MALE VILLAGER

1ST FEMALE VILLAGER

RING MISTRESS

SPEAKING CLOCK

SLEAZE-BAG SICKO

NUN

1ST BLACK YOUTH

2ND BLACK YOUTH

EXTRAS
people in EZ-Mart; extra cops at station; audience at TV studio; audience in court; people in corridors and foyer area in court; pedestrians passing court building; villagers chasing Dave Curtis; jugglers & clowns etc. in court; children in wooden box;

INTERIOR SETS
WAREHOUSE WITH SKYLIGHT

SQUAD CAR

HOSPITAL
— reception area
— corridor near elevator

EZ-MART

LAUNDROMAT

POLICE STATION
— Lieutenant’s office
— corridor outside Lieutenant’s office

BRIEFING ROOM

ATTIC

FILM STUDIO

RESTAURANT

BATTERY HEN SHED

SUPERMARKET

APARTMENT
— corridor
— bathroom

DAVE CURTIS’ LIVING ROOM

POLICE STATION
— reception area
— interrogation room

U.S. COURT BUILDING
— court room
— corridor outside courtroom
— 1st floor of court building

OPEN FIELD

WAREHOUSE BY DOCKS

EXTERIOR LOCATIONS
ALLEY

CROSS STREET

STREET OUTSIDE HOSPITAL & LAUNDROMAT

CAR PARK

STREET OUTSIDE CAFE

STREET OUTSIDE LARGE BUILDING

LIVESTOCK FARM

FOREST NEAR FARM

HIGHWAY RUNNING PAST FARM

STREET OUTSIDE SUPERMARKET

STREET OUTSIDE APARTMENT BLOCK

FOREST

BULL PADDOCK

U.S. COURT BUILDING

EXECUTION YARD

WAREHOUSE BY DOCKS

BUSY STREET

TEASER:

FADE IN:
INT. WAREHOUSE — NIGHT
Half-a-dozen masked hoodlums are carrying boxes over to a small doorway, handing them to hoodlums, who take them outside.   Two hoodlums, obviously the bosses, are standing round watching them.

MUGGSY
How’s it goin’, Borse?

BORSE
Not too bad Muggsy, we orta be finished clearin’ da warehouse in anudder ten minutes and still no sign of the cops or Dagman.

MUGGSY (Shivering from fright.)
Don’t mention dat name, Borse.   You know how Dagman scares me.

BORSE
Ha, ha, ya big baby.   Dagman’s just a big fag….

EXPLOSION above them.

The hoodlums drop their boxes, some of which make glass-like SHATTERING SOUNDS.

They all look up as a rope drops from the skylight and Dagman slides down the rope in seconds.

Dagman is dressed in a Batman-like costume, but with a big red letter “D” in the emblem

DAGMAN
Your evil warehouse raiding days are over, Borse.   Prepare to be taken into custody.

MUGGSY
Gee, I didn’t tink anybody talked like dat anymore.

BORSE
Who are you anyway?

DAGMAN
Don’t you recognise me?   I’m Dagman!

All the hoodlums look terrified.

ALL HOODLUMS (Shouting.)
Aaaaaaaaaaah, it’s Adam West!

DAGMAN (Annoyed.)
No, no, I’m not Adam West.

ALL HOODLUMS (Shouting.)
Aaaaaaaaaaah, it’s Michael Keaton!

DAGMAN (Annoyed.)
No, no, I’m not Michael Keaton.

ALL HOODLUMS (Shouting.)
Aaaaaaaaaaah, it’s Val Kilmer!

DAGMAN (Annoyed.)
No, no, I’m not Val Kilmer either.

ALL HOODLUMS (Shouting.)
Aaaaaaaaaaah, it’s George Clooney!

DAGMAN (Annoyed.)
No, no, I’m not George Clooney.

BORSE (Puzzled.)
Den who da hell are yus?

DAGMAN
I’m the latest Dagman.

ALL HOODLUMS
Oh…
(Half a beat.)
Yer da latest Dagman.

BORSE
Okay, boice, let’s pulverise him.

They all start running toward him.

DAGMAN (Terrified.)
No, no, I was only kidding.   I really am Adam West…
(Half a beat.)
Michael Keaton…
(Half a beat.)
Val Kilmer…
(Half a beat.)
George Clooney.

The gangsters stop and stare at him in terror.

ALL HOODLUMS (Shouting.)
Aaaaaaaaaaah, it’s Adam West, Michael Keaton, Val Kilmer, George Clooney!

The hoodlums turn and run toward the warehouse door.

DAGMAN
Phew, that was a close one…
(Half a beat.)
It’s hard to get any respect when you’re just the latest Dagman!

FREEZE FRAME and hold for OPENING CREDITS.

FADE OUT:

END OF TEASER:

ACT ONE:

FADE IN:
EXT. ALLEY — NIGHT
The alley is grimy and half choked with overflowing rubbish bins.

Part way down the alley is a black-and-white squad car in the shadows.   Suddenly the light goes on in the cabin of the squad car.

INT./EXT. INSIDE SQUAD CAR/ALLEY — NIGHT
A white cop, DAVE CURTIS, is sitting behind the steering wheel, a black cop,

WINSTON MARTIN, is sitting beside him.   Dave has just turned on the overhead light.

Dave Curtis is a bit of a loser, dangerously incompetent, and famously unsuccessful with women.

Winston Martin is fresh out of the Academy, a bit of a bumbler, but decidedly more successful with women.

They are both eating hamburgers and fries.

DAVE CURTIS
That’s more like it.   Now we can see what we’re eating.

WINSTON MARTIN
Yeah, I don’t mind having maggots and dead cockroaches in my burger.   Just so long as I can see ‘em while I’m eating ‘em.

Dave stares at Winston for a second.

Dave stares down at his own burger for a moment, then reaches up and turns off the overhead light again.

INT. SQUAD CAR — NIGHT — TEN MINUTES LATER
The two cops have just finished eating.

They wipe their faces on the bags, and then throw the bags out the car windows.

WINSTON MARTIN (Reluctant.)
Well, I suppose we’d better get back to work?

DAVE CURTIS
Yeah, I suppose so.   Do you wanna drive, or will I?

WINSTON MARTIN
Well, since you’re sitting behind the wheel, it might be easier if you drive.

Dave looks down and seems astonished to see the steering wheel in front of him.

DAVE CURTIS
Oh yeah, I guess so.

EXT. ALLEY IN FRONT OF SQUAD CAR — NIGHT
Squad car starts up and races forward, crashing into a pile of garbage cans which scatter every which way, sending garbage flying everywhere.

Squad car races round the corner, scraping paint off RHS of squad car against the alley wall.

EXT. CROSS STREET — NIGHT
Squad car races round the corner and roars down the street, less than a foot from the parked cars.

A few blocks away a car door suddenly opens, and a middle-aged woman steps out and stands in front of the open door with the squad car racing toward her.

WOMAN
God, what a time to be getting home.

She slams the car door and starts to cross the road, then suddenly stops.

WOMAN
Oh Jesus, I forgot Robbie’s birthday present.

She unlocks the car door again and leans into the car to search for the present.

WOMAN
Now where the hell is that damn thing?

She is standing half in, half out of the car as the squad car roars toward her.

WOMAN
Where the hell is the bloody bastard?

The squad car is only metres from the car door now.

WOMAN
Ah, there it is.

She steps completely into the car again to pick up the package, which is on the floor by the passenger side door.

EXPLOSION, THEN GRINDING METAL, as the squad car races past tearing off the car door.

WOMAN
What the bloody hell?

She steps out of the car and stares in disbelief at the jagged gap where her door used to be.

Standing in the middle of the road she starts shaking her fist in anger at the retreating squad car.

WOMAN (Shouting.)
Come back here you fuckin’ maniacs!

In b/g a car is racing down the road behind her.

WOMAN
They orta lock up morons like you for life!

In b/g car is fast approaching her.

WOMAN (Shaking her fist again/Shouting.)
Man-driver!

SCREECHING BRAKES as the car behind her starts braking furiously.

The car slides to a halt only centimetres behind her.

WOMAN
Jesus, why don’t people watch where they’re go…?

As she speaks, she turns round, takes a step, and crashes headfirst into the hood of the car.

The car door opens and the driver steps half out.

DRIVER
Sorry, lady, but you were just standing there, in the middle of the road.

She starts hammering her fists on the hood of the car in anger, still screaming in rage.

DRIVER
Hey, lady, watch out for the hood, please.

She starts jumping up and down on the bumper bar, still screaming in rage.

DRIVER
Hey, lady, watch out for the bumper, I’ve just had it re-chromed.

She climbs up onto the hood and starts jumping up and down, still screaming shrilly.

Her high heels are punching small holes through the hood.

DRIVER
Jesus, lady, watch out for my hood, I’ve just had it spray-painted.

One of her high heels gets stuck in the hood, and breaks off, pitching her forward headfirst.

WOMAN
Aaaaaaaaaaah!   What…?

She crashes headfirst through the windscreen, which SHATTERS.

DRIVER
Jesus, lady, watch out for my brand new windshield.

She starts kicking her heels up and down on the hood in anger, still screaming in rage.

DRIVER
Jesus, lady!

INT./EXT. SQUAD CAR/STREET — NIGHT

WINSTON MARTIN (Looking back behind them.)
Did you hear something, man?

DAVE CURTIS
Nah, you’re just getting jumpy.   It happens to everyone the first time they do nightshift.

WINSTON MARTIN
What time is it man?

DAVE CURTIS (Looking at his watch.)
Just after midnight.

WINSTON MARTIN
Jesus, six more hours to go.

DAVE CURTIS
Yeah, I know what you mean.   Night shift seems to last forever…
(Half a beat.)
Why don’t you turn the radio on?

WINSTON MARTIN
Good idea, man.

He takes out a small pocket radio and starts listening to ELECTRO MUSIC.

DAVE CURTIS (Pointing at it.)
I meant the police radio.

WINSTON MARTIN (Frustrated.)
Oh man, they never have any decent music on.

Dave stares at him in amazement.

Winston turns on the police radio, where ELECTRO STARTS BLARING.

After a few seconds there is the sound of static, then a female voice comes over the radio.

FEMALE VOICE (Over radio.)
All cars in the area of Main Street and Seventh, there is a hold up in progress at the local EZ-Mart…
(Half a beat.)
Witnesses report five men armed with shotguns and handguns…
(Half a beat.)
Hostages have been taken.   All cars please respond.

DAVE CURTIS
Tell her we’re ten miles from there.

WINSTON MARTIN (Into mike.)
This is car forty-four.   We are approximately ten miles from Main Street and Seventh and are preceding poste haste.

DAVE CURTIS
Tell her we’ll be there in about two minutes.

WINSTON MARTIN (Into mike.)
We’ll be there in about two minutes.
(He stares at Dave in amazement.)
Two minutes?   That would mean travelling at three hundred miles an hour!

Dave flips on the SIREN, then shifts up to high and plants his foot on the accelerator.

They take off like a starship in a sci-fi flick.

Through car window can be seen long orangey streaks as though they are racing down a sci-fi wormhole in space.

Winston covers his face with his hands and screams.

INT. INSIDE EZ-MART — DAY
Five teenage males are holding guns on terrified looking customers.

1ST ROBBER (Pointing gun at Check-Out Man.)
Open that damn register!

CHECK-OUT MAN
I can’t, we locked it the instant you came in and only head office knows the code to unlock it again.

1ST ROBBER (Cocking handgun.)
Open the damn register, fool, or I’ll blow your head right off.

CHECK-OUT MAN
I can’t, I told you.   Only head office knows the code to open it again.

2ND ROBBER (Whining.)
Come on, Rob, let’s get outta here.   My instincts tell me this has gone wrong.

1ST ROBBER (To 2nd Robber/Angry.)
Don’t use my real name in front of witnesses, you fool!

2ND ROBBER (Apologetic.)
Sorry, I meant, come on….
(Thinking for a few seconds.)
George, let’s get outta here.   My instincts tell me this has gone wrong.

1ST ROBBER (To Check-Out Man.)
That’s right, that’s right, my real name is George.

CHECK-OUT MAN
Whatever you say, Rob…
(Half a beat.)
Er, I mean, George.

1ST ROBBER
That’s more like it; now get that damn register open.   If we don’t get a good haul tonight Big Tony is gonna have our nuts cut off!

INT./EXT. SQUAD CAR/STREET — NIGHT
Car is still roaring along like a starship, seemingly doing Warp Factor-five, with long, orangey streaks outside the window.

Winston has his feet planted firmly on the floor under the dash and is wide-eyed in terror.

WINSTON MARTIN
Thank God, we’re almost there and I’m not dead yet.

DAVE CURTIS
Relax, I’ve never lost a partner on the job yet…

They turn the corner into main street.

DAVE CURTIS
Well, apart from Rodriguez who was gunned down by the Mob last week…
(Half a beat.)
And Perelli who was gunned down by muggers the week before that…
(Half a beat.)
And Jones who was taken out by a psycho with a hatchet the week before that…
(Half a beat.)
Then there was Mendoza who was run over by ram-raiders and had his head pulped open…
(Half a beat.)
And before that was Sylvanio who was stabbed to death by ten youths…
(Half a beat.)
And before that was Gloria Samuels, who was gang-raped by nineteen men and one bull dyke, then beheaded…
(Half a beat.)
And before that was Hodgekiss who’s lifeless body washed up on the beach one day…
(Half a beat.)
Then before that was Thompkins who was disembowelled by four guys with Bowie knives…
(Half a beat.)
Before that Flannegan was diced up like an Irish stew and sent in individual parcels to headquarters…
(Half a beat.)
Before that Johanssen was set alight and burnt to death in the street…
(Half a beat.)
Then before that Simons was blown-up by a car bomb….

Winston is now staring at Dave in shock.

WINSTON MARTIN
Just how many partners of yours have died horribly to date anyway, Dave?

DAVE CURTIS (Thinking for a moment.)
No more than twenty-five or thirty tops…
(Half a beat.)
Could be thirty-five.

Winston is wide-eyed staring at Dave.

WINSTON MARTIN
And how long have you been a cop?

DAVE CURTIS
Almost a year now.

Winston looks like he is about to faint in terror.

WINSTON MARTIN
Lemme outta here.
(Reaching for door handle.)

DAVE CURTIS
Don’t be crazy, you can’t get out of a car moving at three hundred miles an hour.   You’d never survive.

WINSTON MARTIN
I’d sooner take my chances at that, than staying on as your partner.

DAVE CURTIS
Too late, anyway, we’re here now.

WINSTON MARTIN (Heaving a sigh of relieve.)
Thank God, at last you’ll have to slow down a little.

DAVE CURTIS
Says who?   We’re going in Dirty Harry-style.

WINSTON MARTIN (Puzzled.)
Dirty Harry-style?

Dave rips the steering wheel to the right and the car races up the sidewalk, up a set of steps toward a plate glass door.

Winston covers his face with his hands, plants his feet even harder on the floor and starts screaming in terror.

INT. HOSPITAL, FRONT RECEPTION DESK — NIGHT
A portly matron is standing behind the front desk filling out reports.   Beside her are an attractive black nurse and two male orderlies.

Black Nurse is straight out of nursing college and a little too eager.

Matron is a thirty-year veteran who has had her share of stress and is happy to have a few boring nights.

BLACK NURSE (Frustrated.)
What a boring night.   God, I wish something exciting would happen.

MATRON
Don’t go wishing anything down on us, honey.   Nights like this are a rarity.   Just be grateful for them.

BLACK NURSE
Yeah, I guess so.

EXPLODING GLASS, then the squad car bursts through the front door and races straight past the reception desk, past two elevators, down a thin corridor beyond the elevators.

BLACK NURSE (Covering mouth with her hands.)
Aaaaaaaaaaah!

INT. SQUAD CAR/HOSPITAL — NIGHT
Winston stares in terror as they race down the short corridor toward a solid wall.

Dave plants his foot on the brake, which SCREECHES, but stops the car centimetres short of the wall.

WINSTON MARTIN
Phew, what a relief.

DAVE CURTIS
Don’t sit there talking, we’ve got hostages to rescue!

Dave slams his car door open, and it crashes into the corridor wall, only opening a few centimetres.

He turns round toward his partner.

WINSTON MARTIN/DAVE CURTIS
Can we get out your…?

They stop as they see that both doors will only open a few centimetres.

They turn round to check the back doors, but they aren’t any better.

WINSTON MARTIN
Jesus, I guess you’ll have to back out again.

DAVE CURTIS
No time, Winston, we’ve got hostages to save.   You’ll just have to take up the top of the car.

Winston stares at Dave in amazement.

WINSTON MARTIN
Take up the top of the car?   Are you…?

DAVE CURTIS (Angry.)
Why must you always argue with me?   Just take up the top of the goddamn car!

Winston continues to stare for a second, and then shrugs in resignation.

WINSTON MARTIN
Okay, whatever you say.
(He reaches up toward the roof.)

FADE TO BLACK:

METALLIC RENDING, while screen is dark.

FADE IN:

INT. CORRIDOR BESIDE ELEVATORS — NIGHT
Winston and Dave are standing on the trunk of the car.

DAVE CURTIS
Okay, let’s go get those scum-sucking pigs.

He leaps off the trunk, takes one step forward, then stops.

Winston jumps down next to him and looks at Dave, who is looking puzzled.

WINSTON MARTIN
What’s the matter?

DAVE CURTIS
I just remembered.   The top of that car doesn’t go up.

They turn round to look at the squad car.   The roof has been cut open like a giant sardine can.

WINSTON MARTIN
It does now.

Dave slams a hand over his eyes and shakes his head in amazement.

DAVE CURTIS
Oy vay, I don’t believe it.

WINSTON MARTIN
Come on man, we’ve got hostages to save.

DAVE CURTIS
Oh yeah.

They both pull out their guns and race back down the corridor.

INT. FRONT RECEPTION DESK — NIGHT — MATRON,
Black Nurse, and male orderlies standing watching in shock.

MATRON
Oh my God, ram-raiders.   They must be after drugs.

The two cops run round the corner to the counter.

DAVE CURTIS (Shouting.)
All right, you scum-sucking pigs, where are the hostages?

MATRON (Puzzled.)
Hostages?   What hostages?

DAVE CURTIS
Don’t give me any static, you fat tub of lard!
(Pointing gun at her head.)
Now get out here where we can see you.

All four of them hurry out front of the counter.

DAVE CURTIS
You’d better search them; to make sure they don’t have any weapons.

WINSTON MARTIN
Good idea, man.
(He puts away his gun.)
Winston turns and looks at the fat Matron, then the two male orderlies, then the beautiful Black Nurse.

WINSTON MARTIN (Pointing at Black Nurse.)
I think I’ll start with her.

He grabs the top of her uniform, and rips it off with one tug, leaving her standing in stockings, suspenders, panties and bra.

Black Nurse screams and races around to the other side of the counter and ducks down so they can’t see her.

WINSTON MARTIN
Oh man is she ever packing it….
(Looking at Dave Curtis/A beat.)
But she hasn’t got a weapon.

Dave stares at him in amazement.

DAVE CURTIS
Why did you start with her?   One of them is more likely to be armed.
(Pointing at the orderlies.)

WINSTON MARTIN
Maybe so, but they won’t be half so much fun to strip down.

DAVE CURTIS
Just frisk them with you hands.

WINSTON MARTIN
Oh, okay.

He hurriedly pats down the first orderly.

WINSTON MARTIN
This one’s got nothing.

He moves across to pat down the second orderly, looking puzzled as he feels the man’s groin.

WINSTON MARTIN
This one’s really got nothing.

2ND ORDERLY (Indignant.)
Hey!   How dare you!

Lastly he moves across to pat down the Matron.

WINSTON MARTIN
No weapons on any of them.

DAVE CURTIS
All right you lowlife scum, where are you keeping the hostages?
(Pointing gun at Matron.)
Open up fatso, or I’ll splatter your brains across the counter.

MATRON (Puzzled.)
What hostages?   This is a hospital.

Winston and Dave exchange a puzzled look.

DAVE CURTIS
A hospital?

MATRON
Yes.

WINSTON MARTIN
But we were told an EZ-Mart was being held-up at this address.

1ST ORDERLY (Thumbing over his shoulder.)
The EZ-Mart is next door.

Winston and Dave exchange a puzzled look.

DAVE CURTIS (Putting away his gun.)
Oh sorry, our mistake.

WINSTON MARTIN
I guess you’d better have this back, then.

Winston hands Nurse’s dress across the counter.

She reaches up and grabs it, then quickly ducks down again.

BLACK NURSE
Thanks.

DAVE CURTIS (To Matron.)
Um, look; I hope you didn’t take it personally when I called you a fat tub of lard before?

Matron screams in rage, grabs Dave by the neck, picks him up and throws him headfirst against the wall near the elevators.

Dave slides down the wall and hits the floor with a CRASH.

Matron races over and starts kicking him in the side.

The two orderlies race over to pull her away from him.

1ST ORDERLY
I think we can take that to mean she did take it personally.

Groaning from the exertion, Dave manages to pull himself to his feet.

He looks round and sees Winston over by the counter chatting to Black Nurse.

Winston has a pad and pen out and is obviously getting Black Nurse’s name and phone number.

DAVE CURTIS
Stop trying to pull that black bird and come on, man.

WINSTON MARTIN
Stop ravin’ on.   I’ll be there in a sec.

Finally he puts his pad and pen away, leans across the counter to give Black Nurse a quick kiss, and then races across to Dave.

DAVE CURTIS (Frustrated.)
At last!   Come on damn it.

They turn and run along in front of the elevators.

One of the elevator doors opens and Winston races inside and the door shuts, while Dave races around the corner.

After a moment Dave returns looking for Winston.

DAVE CURTIS (Looking round elevator bay.)
Where the hell has that idiot gotten to?

The elevator door opens, and Winston steps out looking very embarrassed.

WINSTON MARTIN
Sorry, man, I knew we had to turn left and just took the wrong turn.

DAVE CURTIS (Frustrated.)
What an idiot.

WINSTON MARTIN (Indignant.)
It could have happened to anyone.   I don’t have to stand here and take this….

DAVE CURTIS (Holding up a hand to silence him.)
I’m the senior cop in this team so just shut up and listen…
(Half a beat.)
Without a doubt you are the most clumsy, awkward, stumble-footed incompetent, I have ever had the misfortune to partner…
(Half a beat.)
So from now on don’t speak, don’t try and think for yourself, just follow my orders and do exactly what I do…
(Half a beat.)
Now, let’s go.

He turns round, takes a single step, and runs headfirst into a six-foot potted rubber tree and falls over clutching at the tree.

Dave screams in terror as he and tree roll over sideways a number of times until reaching half-a-dozen concrete steps which they fall down, in front of the elevator bay.

At the bottom of the steps he slides on half-a-dozen yards and CRASHES through a glass wall into the dispensary.

SHATTERING GLASS crashes down all over Dave.

Winston, Matron, Black Nurse (clutching her torn dress to her), and the two orderlies all race over to stare down to where Dave is lying on his back with the rubber tree on top of him.

WINSTON MARTIN (Scratching his head in amazement.)
Um, I’m a little puzzled here.   When you say I should do exactly what you do?   Do you mean that I should find a large potted rubber tree, run headfirst into it like a dork, roll end over end with it, fall down a flight of concrete steps, land heavily on my back with the tree on top of me, then slide through a plate-glass window?

DAVE CURTIS
Shut up and give me a hand someone.

Matron, Black Nurse, and two orderlies all start clapping.

Winston sticks two fingers into his mouth and starts whistling loudly.

1ST ORDERLY
Encore!   Encore!

DAVE CURTIS (Frustrated.)
Stop being sarky, and just help me up, dammit.

Winston and one of the orderlies race down the stairs and lift the rubber plant off him, then help him to his feet again.

1ST ORDERLY
Thank God, the rubber tree is all right.

Dave glares at 1st Orderly.

WINSTON MARTIN (Pointing at Dave.)
Hey, what about him?

1st Orderly gives him a quick glance.

1ST ORDERLY (Unenthusiastically.)
He’ll live.

2ND ORDERLY
Unfortunately!

DAVE CURTIS
Okay, let’s go.

They head back toward the squad car; Dave is bent over almost double at the waist as he lurches along.

INT. SQUAD CAR/HOSPITAL — NIGHT
The two cops hurriedly buckle their seat belts.

DAVE CURTIS
Okay, lets get outta here.

He puts the squad car into gear and starts it.

The car leaps forward and crashes into the end of the corridor.

DAVE CURTIS
Whoops, forgot to put it into reverse.

WINSTON MARTIN (Shaking head.)
And he calls me dumb?

DAVE CURTIS
Shut up!

He changes gears and starts again.   This time the car races out of the hospital in reverse.

INT./EXT. SQUAD CAR/STREET OUTSIDE HOSPITAL — NIGHT

DAVE CURTIS
She said it’s right next door to the hospital.

He turns the car right and races a hundred yards or so backwards, then changes into forward gear and charges toward the front window of the building on the RHS of the hospital.

EXT. STREET OUTSIDE HOSPITAL — NIGHT — MATRON,
Black Nurse, and two orderlies are standing by the shattered glass doors as the squad car races toward the glass window of the next building on the RHS.

MATRON/BLACK NURSE/BOTH ORDERLIES (Shouting.)
No, no, the wrong side!

MATRON
The EZ-Mart is on the left side of the hospital.

INT. LAUNDROMAT — NIGHT
Two elderly women, and one old man are the only people in the Laundromat.

EXPLOSION, then the squad car bursts through the front door of the Laundromat, straight down an aisle between two sets of washing machines, toward the back wall.

INT. SQUAD CAR/LAUNDROMAT — NIGHT
Winston screams in terror and hides his face in his hands again as they race through the Laundromat toward the end wall.

DAVE CURTIS (Slamming his foot on the brake.)
Shut up already!

The car screeches to a halt centimetres from the back wall again.

INT. LAUNDROMAT — NIGHT
The three elderly people stare at the car in amazement.

FRED (Elderly man.)
Now that’s something you don’t see every day MYRTLE.   A squad car in a Laundromat.

INT. SQUAD CAR/LAUNDROMAT — NIGHT

WINSTON MARTIN
Phew, what a relief, we survived again.

DAVE CURTIS
Don’t sit there talking, we’ve got hostages to rescue.

He slams his car door open, and it crashes into the corridor wall, only opening a few centimetres.

He turns round toward his partner.

WINSTON MARTIN/DAVE CURTIS
Can we get out your…?

They stop as they see that both doors will only open a few centimetres.

They turn round to check the back doors, but they aren’t any better.

INT. LAUNDROMAT — NIGHT
The three old people watch in amazement as the two cops climb out through the hole in the roof, then climb down the back of the squad car and race toward them.

MYRTLE (Elderly woman.)
Oh my God, ram-raiders.

FRED (Puzzled.)
In a Laundromat?   What are they gonna steal, your threadbare bloomers?

MYRTLE
Mother was right about you, Fred Williams.   Back in 1922 she told me you had a sarky side to you, and that I’d be a fool to marry you.

The two cops run through the Laundromat toward the three elderly people.

DAVE CURTIS (Shouting.)
All right, you scum-sucking pigs, where are the hostages?

MYRTLE (Puzzled.)
Hostages?   What hostages?

FRED
This is a Laundromat, son.   Not a bank.

DAVE CURTIS (Amazed.)
A Laundromat?

MYRTLE
Yes.

WINSTON MARTIN
Not an EZ-Mart?

FRED (Pointing.)
The EZ-Mart is two buildings down to the left.

DAVE CURTIS (Puzzled.)
But that dosey Matron told us the EZ-Mart was one building away from the hospital.

MYRTLE
It is.   One building to the left of the hospital.

2ND ELDERLY WOMAN
This is one building to the right of the hospital.

WINSTON MARTIN
I think you should’ve turned left when you turned right.

DAVE CURTIS
Nag!   Nag!   Nag!

They run back to the squad car, race up the back of it and jump into the front seat again.

INT. SQUAD CAR/LAUNDROMAT — NIGHT
Dave starts to turn the key.

Then he stops, changes the gear to reverse, then starts the car.

They race out backwards into the street again.

INT. STREET OUTSIDE LAUNDROMAT — NIGHT

SIRENS CLANGING.

An ambulance races down the street and heads toward the front of the hospital.

The squad car races out backwards from the Laundromat and crashes backwards into the side of the ambulances.

The ambulances rolls over sidewards two or three times, crashes in through the glass-front of a store and bursts into flames.

The squad car takes off again, roars past the hospital, where Matron Black Nurse, and orderlies race out and stare at the burning ambulance.

INT. INSIDE EZ-MART — DAY
Five teenage males are holding guns on terrified looking customers.

1ST ROBBER (Pointing gun at Check-Out Man.)
Open that damn register!

CHECK-OUT MAN
I can’t, dammit.   If I could, I would.

1ST ROBBER (Cocking handgun.)
Open the damn register, fool, or I’ll blow your head right off.

2ND ROBBER
Come on, Rob.   Er, um, I mean George, let’s get outta here.

CHECK-OUT MAN
Do as he says, Rob.   Er, um, I mean George.   The cops’ll be here any second.

1ST ROBBER (Disdainfully.)
The cops, huh!   Who’s afraid of those turkeys?

2ND ROBBER
Yeah, how they gonna even get in here when we’re holding you at gunpoint?

All the robbers snicker at this question.

EXPLOSION, then the front window implodes.

The squad car races into the store hitting 1st Robber and 2nd Robber, who both go flying.

3rd Robber is swiped by the car and flies headfirst into a large stack of tomato soup tins, which crash down onto him, burying him.

4th Robber & 5th Robber scream and both turn and race toward the back of the supermarket.

The squad car races after them, runs them both over and drags them along under it to the back of the store.

INT. SQUAD CAR — NIGHT
Winston covers his face with his hands and screams as they race down the aisle toward the brick wall at the back of the store.

Dave slams his foot on the brake and the squad car SCREECHES slowly to a halt.

It crashes into a stack of soup tins, which crash down onto the hood of the car, smashing the windscreen.

Winston screams in terror again.

DAVE CURTIS
Come on, dammit, we’ve got hostages to rescue.

INT. INSIDE EZ-MART — DAY
The two cops, guns drawn, race out through the hole in the roof of the squad car and charge down the aisle toward the front of the store.

DAVE CURTIS
All right prepare to die, you scum-sucking.
(Looking about store in amazement.)
Er, I hope we’ve come to the right place…?

WINSTON MARTIN (Under breath.)
This time.

Dave glares at Winston.

DAVE CURTIS
We were told you had a hostage situation here?

CHECK-OUT MAN
We did.

WINSTON MARTIN (Puzzled.)
We were told you had five armed, dangerous hoodlums here?

CHECK-OUT MAN
We did.

The two cops exchange a puzzled look.

DAVE CURTIS
Then would you mind telling us what happened to them?

CHECK-OUT MAN
You ran them over when you came in.

He points to legs sticking out from a pile of soup tins, then to two robbers lying dead in the LHS aisle.

As the cops turn to look, Check-Out Man points back down the aisle to where two sets of legs are sticking out from under the squad car.

DAVE CURTIS (To Winston.)
See, I told you it wasn’t the hostages we ran over when we came in.

WINSTON MARTIN
You lucky bastard.

He takes a $10 note from his shirt pocket and hands the note to Dave, who pockets it.

DAVE CURTIS (To Check-Out Man.)
So you don’t actually need our help here anymore?

CHECKOUT MAN
Not unless you want to stick around and help repair the damage you did to my store coming in here?

The two cops look around at the shattered front window, smashed goods and counters, etc.

WINSTON MARTIN
We’d love to, but unfortunately we’re still on duty.

They race back toward the squad car, race up the back and jump inside.

INT. SQUAD CAR/EZ-MART — NIGHT

WINSTON MARTIN
Let’s get the hell outta here, before he thinks to ask us for our precinct or badge numbers.

INT. INSIDE EZ-MART — DAY
Shoppers are milling about the front of the store, as the squad car starts up and races backwards toward them.

Checkout Man screams as he and two shoppers are hit by the car and sent flying.

INT. POLICE STATION, BACK OFFICE — EARLY MORNING
Winston and Dave are sitting in front of a desk at the back of the room.

A police lieutenant is sitting at the desk.

The glass door behind them opens and a police woman, Tammy, comes in carrying a manila folder bulging with sheets of paper, which she hands to the lieutenant.

Lieutenant is middle-aged, tall and distinguished and a bit of a womaniser.

Tammy is a tall, willowy, painfully gorgeous brunette.

TAMMY VAN HOUSTEN
Here’s the report on the damage they did, Lieutenant.

POLICE LIEUTENANT
Thank you, Tammy.

She turns around to leave, and all three men turn to watch her walk away.

Winston and Dave both lean back in their chairs to watch her, until they both lean over too far.

Dave and Winston both scream in terror as they fall over backwards onto the floor.

Dave rolls over two or three times, directly past Tammy, till he comes back to his feet at the top of two concrete steps before the door.

He steps backwards down the steps, takes the doorknob in his left hand, and opens the door for her.

TAMMY VAN HOUSTEN (She flashes him a smile.)
Thank you, Dave, you’re so gallant.

INT. POLICE STATION, BACK OFFICE — EARLY MORNING, Looking out into the corridor.

Tammy walks through the doorway.

Dave stands at the door staring at her behind till she’s well down the corridor.   Finally he shuts the door.

INT. POLICE STATION, BACK OFFICE — EARLY MORNING

Reluctantly, both cops return to their seats.

WINSTON MARTIN (Straight at camera.)
It took twenty takes for him to get that stunt right.

Lieutenant looks down at the manila folder for a moment, shaking his head as he reads what is written there.

Finally he looks up at the two cops.

POLICE LIEUTENANT
I don’t believe it.   It says here, that you wrecked a squad car, smashed the door off a woman’s parked car doing $1,500 dollars worth of damage to her car.   Smashed through the front windows of a hospital, a Laundromat, and an EZ-Mart doing half-a-million dollars damage.
(Half a beat.)
You ran over five suspects, one checkout man, and two customers.   Each of whom, or their next-of-kin, is suing us for at least $200,000 damages.
(Half a beat.)
And on top of that we’re being sued for slander by a tubby Matron, because one of you called her a fat tub of guts.

Lieutenant and Winston both turn to stare at Dave who is trying to look inconspicuous, looking into the air and whistling.

POLICE LIEUTENANT
Well, all I can say is…
(Half a beat.)
Good work men.   It’s a big improvement over your usual damages bill for this type of job.

He stands and leans across the desk to shake hands with each of them in turn, as they stand up.

WINSTON MARTIN
Thank you, sir.

Winston and Dave both turn and walk toward the concrete steps.

DAVE CURTIS
You can count on us to watch what we’re doing from now on, Lieutenant.

They both step off the top of the steps and fly toward the glass door.

Dave and Winston both scream in terror again.

FREEZE FRAME:

GLASS SHATTERING.

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT ONE:

ACT TWO:

FADE IN:
EXT. CAR PARK — DAY — DAVE CURTIS, WINSTON MARTIN
and a middle-aged police captain, JEFF NOONER, a typical gruff, surly copper are walking through the car park, where a number of black-and-white squad cars are parked, as well as some unmarked cars.

They reach a glass door to a brick building and Nooner grabs the door handle and pulls it open to allow Dave and Winston to go through first.

JEFF NOONER
After you, boys.

INT. METRO SQUAD TACTICS ROOM — LIT — HALF A DOZEN
uniformed and plain-clothed cops are seated at wooden benches or standing by an open window talking or smoking.

Behind the bench is a large blackboard with the name “BIG TONY BERTALUCCI” circled, and surrounded by the terms, “hard drugs”, “child-prostitution”, “pornography”, “sweat-shops”, “counterfeiting”, “illegal immigrants”, and “protection” which are also circled, with arrows linking them to “BIG TONY BERTALUCCI”.

The door opens behind them then Dave, Winston and Nooner enter.

Seeing the three newcomers, two officers near the window hurriedly pull cigarettes from their mouths and toss the cigarettes out the window.

JEFF NOONER
All right boys, this is our tactics room.   And for the benefit of newcomers it is strictly no smoking in here.

The two smokers blush from embarrassment.

JEFF NOONER
Well, I guess we’d better get on with the introductions.

He points at everyone in turn as he introduces them.

JEFF NOONER
Firstly our newcomers are Dave Curtis and Winston Martin.   Dave and Winston have been transferred to Metro-Squad due to their recent spectacular handling of the EZ-Mart caper, in which half-a-dozen hostages were held by five dangerous hoodlums.

He points at a tall black man.

JEFF NOONER
This is BENJAMIN BARTLETT.

BENJAMIN BARTLETT
(He shakes hands with Dave & Winston in turn.)
Call me Bennie.

DAVE CURTIS/WINSTON MARTIN
Hi.

Nooner waves to a teenager of oriental extraction.

JEFF NOONER
This is PETER WONG.

Wong shakes hands with Dave & Winston.

PETER WONG
Hello.

DAVE CURTIS/WINSTON MARTIN
Hi.

Nooner waves toward two swarthy looking types.

JEFF NOONER
This is GEORGIO DEVOPOULOS, and SYLVIO FERRANTINO.

GEORGIO DEVOPOULOS
Call me George.

He shakes hands with Dave & Winston.

DAVE CURTIS/WINSTON MARTIN
Hi.

SYLVIO FERRANTINO
Hello.

He shakes hands with Dave & Winston.

DAVE CURTIS/WINSTON MARTIN
Hi.

Nooner points towards two women a brunette in uniform, WENDY, and a blonde in plain clothes.

Most of the Metro Cops are fairly easy-going types.   Except Liz Eckhardt who is chronically jealous of any women better looking than her.   They are also mainly young and relatively inexperienced, except for Nooner, and Wendy Hennequin who are both twenty-year veterans who could have put in for promotion years ago.

JEFF NOONER
And this is WENDY HENNEQUIN, and LIZ ECKHARDT.

WENDY HENNEQUIN/LIZ ECKHARDT
Hello.

They shakes hands with Dave & Winston.

DAVE CURTIS/WINSTON MARTIN (With feeling.)
Hello, there.

DAVE CURTIS
Actually I think I know Liz already.

LIZ ECKHARDT
Yeah, you do look kinda familiar.

DAVE CURTIS
Aren’t you the flat mate of Tammy Van Altern.

LIZ ECKHARDT
That’s right.

DAVE CURTIS
Man that Tammy is one gorgeous broad.
(Liz starts to glare at him.)
Man she is one major hornbag.

Liz is red-faced with rage now.

DAVE CURTIS
Jesus that chick is enough to make a corpse get a stiff.

Liz is clutching the strap of her leather handbag so tightly her knuckles are white.

DAVE CURTIS
That Tammy is enough to turn a faggot straight.

Liz swings the handbag and whacks Dave in the head.

LIZ ECKHARDT
Actually I share an apartment with both Tammy and Debbie Albright from the precinct where you used to work as a uniformed cop.

DAVE CURTIS
Oh yeah, that Debbie is one major bone-maker too.

Liz swings the handbag and starts whacking Dave repeatedly in the head.

JEFF NOONER
Well, this is a very close-knit squad and we try to keep regulations and dress codes to a minimum.   But one thing which every man coming into this squad should know…
(Shouting at Dave Curtis.)
Is that no chick on Earth likes to be told how gorgeous her roommate is.

DAVE CURTIS
Sorry chief, I’ll try to remember in future.

WINSTON MARTIN
What exactly do you do at the Metro-squad chief?

Nooner starts walking across to a desk at the front of the room and sits down facing into the room.

JEFF NOONER
Well, at Metro we have a wide range of tasks from mundane police duties right through to special undercover operations.   At the moment our biggest priority is trying to get the goods on a big-time Mafioso creep named BIG TONY BERTALUCCI.

WINSTON MARTIN (Puzzled.)
Big Tony?   Never heard of him.

LIZ ECKHARDT
Not too many people outside the mob have.   He’s very good at covering his operations.

WENDY HENNEQUIN
They range from running hard drugs, child-prostitution, pornography, illegal sweatshops, counterfeiting, ripping off illegal immigrants, and protection from all the local businesses.

JEFF NOONER
Two of our agents, SUZIE JAKUZI and MICHAEL McKHYBER had been hot on his tail for nearly three months.

DAVE CURTIS
Had been?

SYLVIO FERRANTINO
That’s right, they broke contact two days ago and we haven’t heard from them since.

WENDY HENNEQUIN
I wouldn’t hold my breath waiting for them now.

WINSTON MARTIN
Why not?

PETER WONG
People who get on the wrong side of Big Tony Bertalucci have the habit of disappearing and never being heard from again.

EXT. SIDEWALK CAFE — DAY — WENDY HENNEQUIN,
Sylvio Ferrantino, Peter Wong, and Dave Curtis are sitting outside the cafe eating junk food and sipping milkshakes.   They are all dressed in police uniform.

INT. FILM STUDIO — LIT — BLONDE & CHINESE MAN
are standing before a bench on which are four transparent plastic tubes, each filled with different pillow stuffing material.

CHINESE MAN
This is the world-famous Chinese Pillow torture.   Where we use a ten-pound dumbbell to test the support of pillow stuffing materials.

BLONDE
Hey!   You’re not using me to test the support of pillow stuffing materials.

CHINESE MAN (Frustrated.)
Not you, you dumbbell!   I said a ten-pound dumbbell!

BLONDE
Oh.

Chinese Man picks up a large, red dumbbell and drops it into the first tube, which has a white cloth-like substance in it.

The dumbbell plummets through the substance and CLANGS against the base of the tube.

BLONDE
Pretty pathetic.

CHINESE MAN
You sure are.

Blonde looks puzzled for a moment, considering this comment.

Finally she shrugs as Chinese Man picks up a second large, red dumbbell and drops it into the second tube, which has a yellow foam-like substance in it.

The dumbbell crushes the yellow foam and CLANGS against the base of the tube.

CHINESE MAN
Hopeless, eh?

BLONDE
Hey!   I resent that!

CHINESE MAN (Frustrated.)
Not you, you bimbo!

Blonde looks puzzled for a moment, considering this comment, finally she shrugs as Chinese Man picks up a third large, red dumbbell and drops it into the third tube, which has white, downy feathers in it.

The dumbbell crushes the feathers and CLANGS against the base of the tube.

CHINESE MAN
Crap!   Just crap!

BLONDE (Puzzled.)
But it looks like white, feathery stuff?   I thought crap was hard and lumpy brown stuff!

CHINESE MAN (Glaring at her.)
Shut up!

Chinese Man picks up a fourth large, red dumbbell and drops it into the fourth tube, which has what looks like small, brown pebbles in it.

The dumbbell slams to a halt against the pebbles, not crushing them.

CHINESE MAN
See the ten-pound dumbbell cannot penetrate the lining of Crappo-Soft Brand Pillows….

BLONDE
I certainly cannot.

CHINESE MAN (Angry.)
Not you, you dumbbell!
(Pointing at the fourth tube.)
I meant the red dumbbell cannot crush the new generation lining of Crappo-Soft Brand Pillows….

Blonde leans down to peer at fourth tube for a moment.

BLONDE
Of course not!   It’s just brown pebbles; they’re too dense.

CHINESE MAN (Angry.)
Look who’s talking!

Blonde looks puzzled for a moment, considering this comment; finally she shrugs.

BLONDE (Indignant.)
I meant the lining of Crappo-Soft Brand Pillows is just hard, brown pebbles.

CHINESE MAN
Oh no, then watch the famous Chinese Hair-Dryer torture test.

He picks up a hair-dryer and points it toward a saucer on which are a number of feather and some of the brown pebbles.

Chinese Man turns on the hair-dryer and the feather fly away and the brown pebbles are blown off the saucer.

BLONDE
So what?   So you’ve blown the pebbles away.   You could blow away an ocean-liner if you had a big enough fan.   That doesn’t make the pebbles soft and light.

CHINESE MAN (Angry.)
You stupid, bimbo.
(Holding out hair-dryer toward her.)
Now you shall suffer the agony of the Chinese Hair-Dryer torture.

He turns hair-dryer on full and advances toward her.

Blonde starts screaming in terror and backing away.

EXT. SIDEWALK CAFE — DAY — AS BEFORE
Wendy & the others sitting outside the cafe eating junk food and sipping milkshakes.

WENDY HENNEQUIN
We should see Big Tony and his scumbag Mafioso creeps pass by here any minute now.

DAVE CURTIS
How do you know?

SYLVIO FERRANTINO
We’ve been tailing them for months and they always stop at that place across the road for lunch about the same time each day.

He points to an eatery across the road.

DAVE CURTIS
Then why are we in uniform?

PETER WONG
They’re less likely to get suspicious of four cops stopping to eat at the same place every day than four people in civvies.

SCREECHING OF CAR TYRES then a big black Cadillac comes round the corner and stops in front of the eatery across the road.

WENDY HENNEQUIN
Right on time.

RADIO SQUAWKING in squad car beside them.

Wendy goes over to the squad car.

She opens the squad car door, leans in and picks up the mike.

FEMALE VOICE (Over mike.)
All officers in the Main Street and Alamaine District, we have an unconfirmed report of a man armed with a hair-dryer and dangerous…
(Half a beat.)
I repeat we have an unconfirmed report of a man armed with a hair-dryer and dangerous.

WENDY HENNEQUIN (Into mike.)
Car five-five here, we are responding.

She hangs up mike and turns to her three male colleagues.

PETER WONG
What’s up, Wendy?

WENDY HENNEQUIN
I don’t want anyone to panic!   But…
(Half a beat.)
We have an unconfirmed report of a man armed with a hair-dryer and dangerous.

PETER WONG/SYLVIO FERRANTINO/DAVE CURTIS (Shouting.)
Oh my God!

WENDY HENNEQUIN
Now don’t anyone panic.   I know none of you have ever been in a combat situation before, but trust me…
(Half a beat.)
I’ve dealt with maniacs armed with all kinds of household appliances…
(Half a beat.)
Vacuum-cleaners, juice-extractors, ironing-boards, you name it…
(Half a beat.)
And I’ve never been seriously hurt yet.

SYLVIO FERRANTINO (Sceptical.)
If you say so, Serg.

WENDY HENNEQUIN
All right, now let’s roll.

She leaps onto the sidewalk and starts rolling along sideways.

After a second’s hesitation the three male cops leap onto the sidewalk and start rolling along sideways after her.

EXT. OUTSIDE LARGE BUILDING — DAY

SHRILL EFFEMINATE SCREAMING inside building.

RUNNING FOOTSTEPS inside building, then a blonde races out and runs down the street to LHS of SHOT, as the four cops roll up along the sidewalk.

SHRILL EFFEMINATE SCREAMING inside building.

RUNNING FOOTSTEPS inside building, then a brunette races out and runs down the street to LHS of SHOT.

SHRILL EFFEMINATE SCREAMING inside building. RUNNING FOOTSTEPS inside building, then a young man races out and runs down the street to LHS of SHOT after the two women.

Wendy and the others roll into sight along the sidewalk from RHS of SHOT.

WENDY HENNEQUIN (Climbing back to her feet.)
This must be the place.

HAIR-DRYER on full inside building, then SCREAMING from inside building.

The three male cops climb to their feet but seem reluctant to enter the building.

WENDY HENNEQUIN (Taking night-stick from her belt.)
Come on, sounds like he’s got hostages!

She races into the building.

The three men watch her for a moment, and then reluctantly start after her.

INT. TV STUDIO — LIT — CHINESE MAN
is still holding hair-dryer out toward Blonde who is cowering and SCREAMING IN TERROR.

RUNNING FOOTSTEPS O/S then Wendy races into SHOT from LHS, followed by the three male cops.

The four cops are all holding their nightsticks, and they race across and start clubbing Chinese Man with Rodney King-style severity.

After Chinese Man is beaten to a bloody pulp, the four cops finally stop.

PETER WONG
What’ll we do now, Serg?

WENDY HENNEQUIN (Pulling revolver from holster.)
We’d better shoot him to be on the safe side…
(Half a beat.)
You can’t afford to take any chances with a man who’s armed with a hair-dryer and dangerous.

She starts FIRING HER REVOLVER at Chinese Man whose body bucks wildly under the impact of the bullets.

After a moment, the three male cops pull out their revolvers and also start shooting Chinese Man.

INT. TV STUDIO — LIT — HALF AN HOUR LATER
The four cops are still standing over the body of Chinese Man, talking to Jeff Nooner.

JEFF NOONER
Let me see if I’ve got this straight?   You got a report of a man armed with a hair-dryer and dangerous?   So you rolled down here, then clubbed him unconscious?   Before shooting him at least forty times in the head and body?

WENDY HENNEQUIN
That’s right.

JEFF NOONER
Good work.   You’re a credit to your uniform…
(Half a beat.)
And to the fine name of the Californian Police Department.

INT. RESTAURANT — NOON
Half-a-dozen gangsters, dressed in immaculate suits are seated at three tables.

MARLON BRANDO-LOOK-ALIKE in pinstripe suit enters the restaurant and strides up to one of the gangsters, BIG TONY BERTALUCCI.

Marlon Brando-Look-Alike leans down and gives Big Tony a kiss right on the mouth, then turns and walks out of the restaurant again.

All the gangsters look shocked.

1ST GANGSTER (Shocked.)
Da kiss-of-death from da Godfarter himself!

Big Tony spits a few times, then rubs his mouth on his sleeve.

BIG TONY BERTALUCCI
Jesus, I hate dat!   It’s bad enough when da Godfarter gives ya da kiss-of-death…
(Half a beat.)
But it makes me wanna puke when he uses tongue.

All the gangsters stare at him in shock.

BIG TONY BERTALUCCI is basically just a Marlon Brando-style godfather clone, of low intelligence but ruthless enough to have gained great power in the mob.

Dave Curtis & Georgio Devopoulos, dressed in jeans and T-shirts are standing in a doorway watching them.

GEORGIO DEVOPOULOS
There he is.   Big Tony and his boys.

DAVE CURTIS
Now all I have to do is find a way to ingratiate myself into his confidence, then follow them.

GEORGIO DEVOPOULOS
Yeah, but how?   It has to be done very subtly.

A waiter carrying a giant pizza walks by them.

DAVE CURTIS
Very subtly, eh?
(To Waiter.)
Excuse me; is that pizza for Big Tony?

WAITER
It’s for Mr Bertalucci, yes.

Dave takes a $20 note from his trouser pocket.

DAVE CURTIS
How about letting me deliver it to him?

Waiter stares at the $20 note, obviously tempted for a moment.

WAITER
Er, no, sorry.   But it’s more than my job’s worth.

DAVE CURTIS
All right then, lemme put it to you like this….

Taking the pizza tray in his right hand, he belts the WAITER three times in the stomach with his left hand, then once in the face.

Waiter goes flying backwards, crashing into a round table, which collapses under him.   Then he slides backwards into the salad bar, which collapses, spilling salad everywhere.

The gangsters watch this with keen interest.

1ST GANGSTER
Hey, borse, looks like dey’re fightin’ ova who gets ta deliver ya pizza.

BIG TONY BERTALUCCI
Guess dey musta heard I’m a big tipper?

1ST GANGSTER
Boy are dey in for a let down.

BIG TONY BERTALUCCI (Angry.)
What was dat!

1ST GANGSTER (Apologetic.)
Nuttin’, borse.

Dave walks up to the gangsters.

DAVE CURTIS
Which one of you Mafioso creeps ordered a giant Mexicana pizza with the lot?

BIG TONY BERTALUCCI (Sticking a hand up.)
Dat was me.

DAVE CURTIS
Well, here, cop this.

He tosses the pizza at Big Tony.

It hits him straight in the face.

The other six gangsters all jump to their feet and reach for their weapons.

1st Gangster pulls a Colt .44 from his coat and points it at Dave.

2nd Gangster pulls out a sawn-off shotgun and points it at Dave.

3rd Gangster pulls out an Uzi and points it at Dave.

4th Gangster pulls out a bazooka and points it at Dave. 

5th Gangster pulls out a mortar and points it at Dave.

6th Gangster pulls out a miniature canon and points it at Dave.

1ST GANGSTER
All right, boice, let’s geddim.

BIG TONY BERTALUCCI (Waving round hands to stop them.)
Hold it, boice, hold it!   Don’t kill him.   I like dis punk.

1ST GANGSTER (Shocked.)
But, Borse, he trew a red-hot pizza in yer face from tree feet away.

BIG TONY BERTALUCCI
Ah dat’s just high spirits.   Dis guy don’ take no agro from nobody.   I’m tellin’ ya I like dis guy’s balls…
(Half a beat.)
I luvs dis guy…
(Half a beat.)
I wanna have his babies.

All the gangsters turn to stare at Big Tony in shock.

They start backing away from him.

One gangster tries to climb over a table, which collapses under him.

BIG TONY BERTALUCCI (Waving hands round again.)
Okay, okay, forget da bit about da babies.
(Throwing a hand around Dave’s shoulders.)
But I luvs dis guy like me own brudda.

1ST GANGSTER
But, borse, ya hated yer own brudda.   You pudda hit out on yer own brudda.

BIG TONY BERTALUCCI
Dat’s right.   So just watch yaself in future, punk…
(Half a beat.)
So, how’d ya like ta work for Big Tony?

DAVE CURTIS
That was the plan.

Gangsters all look puzzled for a while by this remark.

BIG TONY BERTALUCCI
So what’s ya name, punk?

DAVE CURTIS
Bruce Curtis.

Big Tony considers this for a moment.

The gangsters all back away again.

One of them falls over a table, which collapses under him.

BIG TONY BERTALUCCI
I tink I’ll jus’ call ya, Curtis.

DAVE CURTIS
You’re the boss.

1ST GANGSTER
No, not “boss”, “borse”.   He’s da borse.

BIG TONY BERTALUCCI
Shut up!

Winston and Waiter are watching them with interest, as they all sit down again, Dave sitting beside Big Tony.

GEORGIO DEVOPOULOS
That’s what I call subtlety.   You can’t beat the old, pizza-in-the-mush trick.   Works every time.

Big Tony snaps his fingers for Waiter’s attention.

Waiter hurries across, careful not to get too close to Dave.

BIG TONY BERTALUCCI
Bring me a new pizza, dis one got spilt somehow.

WAITER
Yes, sir.

He hurriedly backs away, falling over a table, in his haste not to get too close to Dave.

INT. RESTAURANT — DAY — FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER
They are just finishing up some pizzas.

BIG TONY BERTALUCCI
So, Curtis, wadda ya heard about me?

DAVE CURTIS
I’ve heard that you’re a murderous scumbag Mafioso creep.   That you run hard drugs, child-prostitution, pornography, illegal sweatshops, counterfeiting, ripping off illegal immigrants, and protection from all the local businesses.

BIG TONY BERTALUCCI (Waving hand dismissively.)
Ah dat’s nuttin’.   I also run hard drugs, child-prostitution, pornography, illegal sweatshops, counterfeiting, ripping off illegal immigrants, and protection from all da local.
(He looks puzzled for a moment.)
Er, yeah, dat’s right actually.   Business has bin pretty good lately.

1ST GANGSTER
‘Cept fer da static we bin gettin’ from da damn CLA.

DAVE CURTIS (Puzzled.)
Who?

BIG TONY BERTALUCCI
The chook-liberation army.   Dey’re one a dem paramilitary animal protection groups.   Dey bin cuttin’ inta our profits lately from battery chickens an udder rackets.

EXT. LIVESTOCK FARM — DAY
LONG SHOT of a man and a woman moving about doing chores.

ZOOM IN SLOWLY as they start toward a long wooden building at the back of the farmyard.

NARRATOR
The Chook Liberation Army hears of battery-hens being kept in inhuman conditions and decides to take a hand.

A BLACK VAN RACES down the gravel road leading to the farm, and stops outside the farmyard.

Two men and two women, dressed like soldiers in camouflage greens, carrying machine-guns, jump out of the side door of the van and race across toward a large woodpile outside the farmyard fence.

The four soldiers crouch down behind the woodpile and look around the farmyard, searching for any sign of human beings.

WOODEN GATE SCRAPING OPEN LHS of SHOT.

The soldiers look round to the left as the gate of the long wooden building opens.   A middle-aged Farmer’s Wife comes out carrying two buckets full of hen eggs.

1ST MALE SOLDIER
A stinkin’ chook torturer!

1ST FEMALE SOLDIER
Yeah, she doesn’t deserve to be alive.

1st Female Soldier takes a grenade from her belt, pulls the pin and lobs the grenade toward the woman.

Farmer’s Wife looks down as grenade lands at her feet.

FARMER’S WIFE
Oh no, the Chook Liberation Arm….

The grenade EXPLODES.

Farmer’s Wife is tossed high into the air, and then crashes back down to earth, scattering eggs everywhere.

Farmer races out from the long wooden building.

FARMER
Oh God, Ami, no!

He races across and kneels down beside her.

The four soldiers race out of cover, scale the metre-high wire-mesh fence ringing the farmyard and race across the yard toward him.

Hearing FOOTSTEPS the Farmer looks up and sees them.

FARMER
Oh God, the stinkin’ chook liberation loonies!   You murderers!

1ST MALE SOLDIER
You can’t afford to talk, chook-violator.

He MACHINE-GUNS DOWN the farmer.

2ND MALE SOLDIER
Two of us’d better check out the farmhouse.

2ND FEMALE SOLDIER
Good idea.

2nd Male Soldier and 2nd female Soldier run toward the back porch, then vanish inside the house.

MACHINE-GUN FIRE, then CHILDREN SCREAMING inside house.

NARRATOR
Sometimes the Chook Liberation Army must reluctantly engage in acts of extreme violence for the good of humanity…
(Half a beat.)
Well, that’s the excuse the President used when he nuked Libya last year.   And if it’s good enough for him….

1st Male Soldier and 1st Female Soldier race toward the long wooden building.

INT. LONG WOODEN BUILDING — DAY
Inside are seemingly thousands of wire-mesh cages with chickens inside.

1ST FEMALE SOLDIER
Those inhuman sadists!

They race across and start opening the cages and shooing the chickens out.

1ST FEMALE SOLDIER/1ST MALE SOLDIER
Fly away to freedom, little chooks!

The chickens start racing about madly.

EXT. FARMYARD, OUTSIDE WOODEN BUILDING — DAY

1ST FEMALE SOLDIER/1ST MALE SOLDIER O/S
Fly away to freedom, little chooks!

Hundreds of chickens race out into the farmyard with the two soldiers chasing after them.

2nd Male Soldier and 2nd female Soldier return from the farmhouse.

1ST FEMALE SOLDIER
Help us out, guys.

All four of them run about trying to chase the chickens toward the freedom of the surrounding forests.

1st Male Soldier and 1st Female Soldier chase a couple of dozen chickens out through the farmyard gate, and out toward the surrounding forest.

1ST FEMALE SOLDIER/1ST MALE SOLDIER
Fly away to freedom, little chooks!

EXT. EDGE OF NEARBY FOREST — DAY
A group of foxes are ducking down in the long grass at the edge of the forest, watching the approaching man and woman and numerous chickens.

1ST FEMALE SOLDIER/1ST MALE SOLDIER
Fly away to freedom, little chooks!

The chickens run squawking into the forest with 1st Male Soldier and 1st Female Soldier close behind them.

Suddenly the foxes race forward, each grabbing a chicken, then turn and race off deeper into the forest with them.

The two soldiers stand watching them in horror.

1ST FEMALE SOLDIER
Oh no!   I can’t believe it.   All that effort, only to see them all slaughtered!

1ST MALE SOLDIER
Don’t be upset, I’m sure Gina and Bobby have had better luck freeing their chooks!

EXT. GRAVEL ROAD NEAR FARMHOUSE YARD — DAY
2nd Male Soldier and 2nd female Soldier are shooing a few dozen chickens down the gravel road toward the farmyard gate.

2ND FEMALE SOLDIER/2ND MALE SOLDIER
Fly away to freedom, little chooks!

EXT. HIGHWAY RUNNING PAST FARM — DAY
2nd Male Soldier and 2nd female Soldier and chooks reach the other side of the gate.

They open the gate and shoo the chickens out.

2ND FEMALE SOLDIER/2ND MALE SOLDIER
Fly away to freedom, little chooks!

The chickens all race out onto the highway.

KLAXONS, then an 18-wheeler races into shot and runs over all the chickens.

2ND FEMALE SOLDIER (Cupping her hands to her mouth.)
Oh no, it’s almost as though we were destined to have no chance of freeing the poor devils.

2nd Male Soldier puts a comforting arm round her shoulders.

2ND MALE SOLDIER
I’m sure Heidi and Corey have had more success shooing their chooks into the forest.

RUNNING FOOTSTEPS BEHIND THEM.

They turn round as 1st Male Soldier and 1st Female Soldier run up to them.

1ST FEMALE SOLDIER
I hope you had better luck…?

She stares at the remains of the crushed chickens on the highway.

1ST FEMALE SOLDIER
Oh no, none of them flew away and survived!

The women both start CRYING.   The men look as though they’re not far away from doing the same.

INT. RESTAURANT — AS BEFORE — BIG TONY BERTALUCCI
and Dave Curtis seated at table.

BIG TONY BERTALUCCI
Dey also bin cuttin’ inta our profits from protection money paid to us by da stores that stock our battery hens.

EXT. STREET OUTSIDE SUPERMARKET — DAY

NARRATOR
The Chook Liberation Army hears of harmless chooks being kept in inhuman conditions and decides to take a hand.

A BLACK VAN races up and stops outside the supermarket.

Two men and two women, dressed like soldiers in camouflage greens, carrying machine-guns jump out of the side door of the van and race into the supermarket.

INT. SUPERMARKET — DAY
as four soldiers race into the store.

They start firing their machine-guns and gun down half-a-dozen customers and check-out women.

FOLLOW soldiers as they race through the checkout line, as the crowd scatters, SCREAMING.

Soldiers race down toward the rear of the store, till reaching the frozen food section.

People in the freezer section see machine-guns and run away SCREAMING as soldiers reach the freezer section.

The soldiers look across the frozen food in open-topped freezers, until reaching the frozen poultry section.

NARRATOR
The Chook-Liberation Army are horrified to see poor chooks bound and wrapped in plastic.

1ST MALE SOLDIER (Shocked.)
Oh my God, the poor things are wrapped in plastic.

1ST FEMALE SOLDIER
How will they ever breath?

They both pick up one of the frozen “chooks”.

1ST FEMALE SOLDIER
Oh my God, they’re ice cold.

1ST MALE SOLDIER
We’ll have to get their blood circulating again before we can release them.

They take off their jackets and rub the frozen chooks for a few seconds, then hold them up to neck height.

1ST FEMALE SOLDIER/1ST MALE SOLDIER
Fly away to freedom, little chooks!

They both throw their chook a few feet up, and watch in shock as they crash down onto the supermarket floor.

1ST MALE SOLDIER
I guess they’re not quite ready to fly yet.

1ST FEMALE SOLDIER
I guess not.

They pick up the frozen chooks and toss them into the air again.

1ST FEMALE SOLDIER/1ST MALE SOLDIER
Fly away to freedom, little chooks!

Once more the frozen chooks crash down onto the floor. 

The soldiers exchange puzzled looks.

They pick up the frozen chooks and toss them into the air again.

1ST FEMALE SOLDIER/1ST MALE SOLDIER
Fly away to freedom, little chooks!

Once more the frozen chooks crash down onto the floor.

INT. CHECK OUT COUNTER — DAY

ALL SOLDIERS O/S
Fly away to freedom, little chooks!

CHOOKS CRASHING BACK TO GROUND.

After a few seconds the first two soldiers race into view from freezer section, carrying frozen chooks.

They toss the chooks into the air again.

1ST FEMALE SOLDIER/1ST MALE SOLDIER
Fly away to freedom, little chooks!

A moment later the second two soldiers run round the corner, also carrying frozen chooks, which they toss into the air.

2ND FEMALE SOLDIER/2ND MALE SOLDIER
Fly away to freedom, little chooks!

Once more the frozen chooks CRASH DOWN ONTO THE FLOOR.

The soldiers exchange puzzled looks.

They pick up the frozen chooks and toss them into the air again.

EXT. OUTSIDE SUPERMARKET — DAY

ALL SOLDIERS O/S
Fly away to freedom, little chooks!

CHOOKS CRASHING BACK TO GROUND.

After a few seconds the four soldiers race out onto the sidewalk, carrying their frozen chooks.

They toss the chooks into the air again.

ALL SOLDIERS
Fly away to freedom, little chooks!

Three of the frozen chooks CRASH DOWN ONTO THE SIDEWALK, but the forth lands on the open back of a truck speeding past.

1ST MALE SOLDIER
Well, at least one of them flew away to freedom.

They pick up the three remaining chooks and go to throw them again.

But 1st Female Soldier stops and stares at the plastic wrapping.

1ST FEMALE SOLDIER
Oh no, it can’t be.   We’ve been wasting our time here.

2ND FEMALE SOLDIER
What’re you mean?

1ST FEMALE SOLDIER
Take a look at the plastic wrapping.

They all do as instructed, and look horrified.

2ND FEMALE SOLDIER/2ND MALE SOLDIER
Oh no, it can’t be!

2ND MALE SOLDIER
These aren’t chooks!   They’re turkeys!

1ST MALE SOLDIER
Well, look who’s talking.

They all turn and glare at him.

INT. RESTAURANT — AS BEFORE

BIG TONY BERTALUCCI
So ja wanna join me gang or what?

DAVE CURTIS
What the heck, it’s something to do…
(Half a beat.)
I don’t mind being involved in hard drugs, child-prostitution, pornography, illegal sweatshops, counterfeiting, ripping off illegal immigrants, and protection from all the local businesses…
(Half a beat.)
Just so long as it allows me to earn an honest living.

The gangster all look puzzled by this.

BIG TONY BERTALUCCI
Er, yeah, right.   Okay, come wid us.

They all get up and head toward the door.

INT./EXT. CAR/STREET OUTSIDE APARTMENT BLOCK — NIGHT
Dave Curtis and Tammy Van Altern are sitting together in the front seat of a car in the street.

TAMMY VAN HOUSTEN
No, I’m sorry.

Opening the car door, Tammy steps out and walks across toward the apartment block.

Dave watches her in dismay for a moment.

As Tammy reaches into her purse to find her door key, Dave starts the car and drives away.

Tammy puts the key into the lock and turns the key.

INT. CORRIDOR INSIDE APARTMENT — NIGHT, UNLIGHTED

KEY IN LOCK O/S.

Door opens and a female hand reaches in and turns on the corridor light.

Tammy enters, pulls the key from the lock and slams the door.

Dropping her keys into her handbag, Tammy walks down the corridor to the last door, which she opens.

INT. BATHROOM — NIGHT, UNLIGHTED
Door opens and the light is clicked on.

Tammy enters and walks across to the bath.

She puts the plug in the bath and turns on the faucets.

As the water is running Tammy slowly undresses.

INT. BATHROOM — NIGHT, LIGHTED — A LITTLE LATER
Tammy is naked, when she hears MOVEMENT outside the bathroom.

TAMMY VAN HOUSTEN
Debbie?   Liz?   Is that you?

Tammy listens for a moment, and then she walks back toward the door.

INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE BATHROOM — LIGHTED
A man in dark clothing is standing by the door with a thick cord in his hands.

As the bathroom door starts to open, MAN steps back through an open bedroom door and shuts it all but a crack.

Tammy steps out into the corridor naked and looks toward the door behind which Man is hiding.

After a moment she turns and looks in the opposite direction.

As she looks away, Man steps out of the bedroom, steps up behind her and loops the rope around her neck.

Tammy reaches up to her neck as Man starts tightening the rope.

She struggles for a moment, and then goes limp.

Man removes the rope and Tammy collapses to the floor.

INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE BATHROOM — MORNING
Sunlight has just started to peep under the front door.

FOOTSTEPS outside the front door.

KEY in the door.

The front door opens and a tall, willowy blonde, DEBBIE ALBRIGHT, enters.

She walks down the corridor and stops and stares in horror at Tammy’s naked corpse.

INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE BATHROOM — AN HOUR LATER
Lieutenant, two sergeants and Debbie are standing look down at Tammy’s naked corpse.

1ST POLICE SERGEANT
What should we do first?

POLICE LIEUTENANT
Search for clues, of course.

2ND POLICE SERGEANT (Puzzled.)
How do we do that?

POLICE LIEUTENANT (Frustrated.)
Well, take some fingerprints for starters, so that we can find out who the murderer is.

1ST POLICE SERGEANT (Enthusiastic.)
Okay, boss, now we’re getting somewhere.

INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE BATHROOM — TEN MINUTES LATER
1st Sergeant and 2nd Sergeant are fingerprinting Debbie.

POLICE LIEUTENANT
Well?

1ST POLICE SERGEANT
Yes, she’s definitely got fingerprints.

He holds up a pad that has her fingerprints inked onto it.

POLICE LIEUTENANT
Okay, she’s our woman then.

2ND POLICE SERGEANT
I’ll say she is.
(He grabs her ass and squeezes it.)

DEBBIE ALBRIGHT (Shouting.)
Hey!
(She jumps forward.)

POLICE LIEUTENANT
No, no, you idiot, I meant she’s the murderess.

2ND POLICE SERGEANT (Disappointed.)
Oh, I see.

DEBBIE ALBRIGHT
No, I’m not.

POLICE LIEUTENANT
Oh come on, give us a break, you’re the obvious suspect.

DEBBIE ALBRIGHT (Indignant.)
No, I’m not.   Why don’t you dingleberries ever do any police work for a change?

POLICE LIEUTENANT
Well, gee, we’re only human.

DEBBIE ALBRIGHT
I doubt that very much.

POLICE LIEUTENANT (Offended.)
Well, if you’re not the obvious suspect, who is?

DEBBIE ALBRIGHT
Dave Curtis.

POLICE LIEUTENANT (Puzzled.)
Dave Curtis?   What has he got to do with this?

DEBBIE ALBRIGHT
He was out with Tammy last night.

POLICE LIEUTENANT
Come off it, that eunuch couldn’t pull a rotten tooth with the Jaws-of-Life.

DEBBIE ALBRIGHT
Yeah, that’s true.   Don’t ask me why, though, but after six months of knocking him back, Tammy finally agreed to go out with Dave last night.

1ST POLICE SERGEANT
Ah ha, an even more obvious suspect.

2ND POLICE SERGEANT
Goody.

POLICE LIEUTENANT (Angry.)
Shut up!

INT. LIVING ROOM — EARLY MORNING
Dave Curtis is sleeping on his own sofa.   There are half-a-dozen empty beer bottles around the floor.

The corridor door opens and 1st Sergeant, 2nd Sergeant, Lieutenant, and Debbie all enter.

DEBBIE ALBRIGHT (Pointing at Dave.)
That’s the man.

POLICE LIEUTENANT (Frustrated.)
We know that, dingle, he used to work for the force.   We all know what he looks like.

DEBBIE ALBRIGHT (Embarrassed.)
Oh, yes, of course.   Sorry.

POLICE LIEUTENANT
Okay, wake him up.

1st Sergeant walks across and shakes Dave by the shoulder.

1ST POLICE SERGEANT
Wakey, wakey!

Lieutenant looks toward the heavens.

Dave wakes up and stretches wide.

Looking startled to see Debbie and the detectives, Dave looks about to make sure of where he is.

DAVE CURTIS
Lieutenant, how did you get in here?

Lieutenant holds up a credit card.

Dave stares at the credit card for a moment.

DAVE CURTIS (Puzzled.)
You bribed the hall porter to let you in?

POLICE LIEUTENANT
No, dingleberry, I forced the lock.

DAVE CURTIS (Puzzled.)
That’s illegal, isn’t it?

POLICE LIEUTENANT
So sue me…
(Half a beat.)
Debbie here tells us that you finally convinced Tammy to go out with you last night?

DAVE CURTIS
That’s right.

POLICE LIEUTENANT
So, how’d you do?

DAVE CURTIS
My first instinct is to say that I had her through every body hole.   Twice in each hole.   And she said that I was the greatest stud of this or any era.
(Considering a moment.)
But some nagging little doubt tells me that I’d be better off telling you the truth.

POLICE LIEUTENANT
Which is?

DAVE CURTIS
I struck out…
(Half a beat.)
She told me that I wasn’t her type…
(Half a beat.)
That she doesn’t go for creeps.   So she dumped me and I got back here, alone, by a quarter to ten last night.

POLICE LIEUTENANT
Well, I’m glad to see that you haven’t lost your touch with women.
(Shouting.)
Jesus, a screaming nympho who had a dozen different men a week inside her.   And you still struck out!
(Shaking head.)
I’m tempted to run you in just for that!

INT. POLICE STATION — LIT — DAVE CURTIS
hand-cuffed is being led through the office by Lieutenant, 1st Sergeant and Debbie, who is now back in uniform.

POLICE LIEUTENANT (Stopping at front desk.)
All right take him through to the interrogation room and book him, Dano…
(Half a beat.)
Er, that is Debbie.

Debbie turns round to glare at Lieutenant.

DEBBIE ALBRIGHT
I haven’t forgiven you yet for that illegal full-body front-and-back frisk you let those creeps do on me yet.   Without cracking jokes at my expense, knob-brain.

DAVE CURTIS (Puzzled.)
Knob-brain?   What the hell does that mean?

DEBBIE ALBRIGHT (Shrugging.)
Well, I figured it sounded politer than calling him a dickhead or something like that.

DAVE CURTIS
Oh yeah, of course.

Debbie grabs him by the shoulder and starts leading Dave down a long wood-panelled corridor, toward a small door with a high window in it.

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM — LIT — DAVE CURTIS,
Debbie Albright, 1st Sergeant and 2nd Sergeant enter.

DEBBIE ALBRIGHT
All right, let’s get down to it.

DAVE CURTIS
Sure thing, cutie, do you want to be on top, or shall I?

DEBBIE ALBRIGHT
Not down to that.   I meant tell me why you killed Tammy Van Altern.

DAVE CURTIS
I didn’t.   That chick was the last person I would’ve killed.    I mean Tammy was one gorgeous broad.
(Debbie starts to glare at him.)
Man Tammy was one luscious filly.   And what a wild ride she must’ve been.
(Debbie is red-faced with rage now.)
Jesus that chick was enough to make a corpse get a raging hard on.

Debbie is clutching the strap of her leather handbag so tightly her knuckles are white.

DAVE CURTIS
That Tammy was enough to turn a man into a cannibal.   I mean she was primo eatin’ material that’s for sure.

Debbie swings the handbag and starts whacking Dave repeatedly in the head.

The door behind them opens and Jeff Nooner and Bennie Bartlett and Peter Wong all enter.

Debbie looks surprised to see them.

DEBBIE ALBRIGHT
Captain Nooner, what can I do for you?

JEFF NOONER
You could sit on my face if you’re not busy.

DEBBIE ALBRIGHT
No, no, I meant in regard to police work.

JEFF NOONER (Very disappointed.)
Oh.   Er, I’d like to have a few words with Mr Curtis before you book him.

DEBBIE ALBRIGHT
What exactly is Metro Squad’s interest in him?

JEFF NOONER
Let’s just say we’ve got some unfinished business with him.

Debbie looks undecided for a moment.

DEBBIE ALBRIGHT
Okay, I guess you can have a few minutes alone with him.

Debbie, 1st Sergeant and 2nd Sergeant walk outside and shut the door.

JEFF NOONER (Shaking head.)
Curtis, Curtis, Curtis, haven’t I already warned you of the dangers of telling any chick on Earth how gorgeous her roommate is?

DAVE CURTIS
Sorry, chief.

JEFF NOONER
Pete and Bennie tell me you’ve got yourself well ingratiated into Big Tony’s mob.

DAVE CURTIS
He’s only shown me round his business offices so far.   But I’m hoping to convince him to take me to his warehouses where he keeps all his illegal goods soon.

JEFF NOONER
Good, good, well I’ll leave you to it.

DAVE CURTIS
Hey, when are you springing my bail?

JEFF NOONER
Oh we can’t do that.

PETER WONG
It’d tip off Big Tony that you’re working for Metro.

BENNIE BARTLETT
We can’t risk blowing your cover when you’re doing so well.

JEFF NOONER
Just stay put and wait for Big Tony to spring you.

PETER WONG
And whatever you do, don’t let the uniformed cops know you’re one of us.

INT. SMALL ATTIC — EVENING — MICHAEL McKHYBER,
and SUZIE JAKUZI, a beautiful Japanese-born Metro agent, are tied to the sturdy legs of a wooden table.

McKHYBER is a McGyver look-alike, notorious for his crazy escape plans and solutions to any emergency.

SUZIE JAKUZI
How will we ever get away, McKHYBER?

McKHYBER
Relax, Suzie.   If my knowledge serves me right, this is April the first.

SUZIE JAKUZI (Puzzled.)
So what?

McKHYBER
So on April first this year, for a few minutes after nine….

They both look up at the clock on the wall facing them, and see it is 8:59.

McKHYBER
Due to an unusual lunar conjunction of Mars and Uranus, wooden table legs change mysteriously into buzz saws.

SUZIE JAKUZI (Incredulously.)
What?

BUZZ SAW BEHIND THEM.

McKHYBER
Don’t distract me, Suzie, I’ve only got a few moments to saw through my bindings before it changes back into a table leg.

He leans back tentatively toward the buzz saw.

SAWING THROUGH ROPE for a few seconds, then the sawing stops.

SUZIE JAKUZI
Did you cut through your bindings in time?

McKHYBER
No, you distracted me.

SUZIE JAKUZI (Indignant.)
I never said a word!

McKHYBER
No, but when you leant toward me a moment ago, your tits almost fell out of your blouse.   And I leant forward to have a closer look at the wrong moment.

She looks down at her enormous breasts, which are almost tumbling out.

SUZIE JAKUZI (Contritely.)
Sorry.   As soon as I get my hands free, I’ll do up my top buttons.

McKHYBER (Hurriedly.)
No, no, there’s no need to do anything like that.

Suzie looks a little uncertain of this comment.

McKHYBER is wrestling with his hands bound behind his back.

McKHYBER
The rope is cut more than halfway through.   And I think I should be able to break free.

He tugs on his bindings for a moment, then suddenly falls forward so his face lands in Suzie’s cleavage.

SUZIE JAKUZI
Oh.

She tries to move backwards, but is tied to the table, unable to move, and McKHYBER is making no real effort to remove his face from her cleavage.

SUZIE JAKUZI (Worried.)
McKHYBER!   McKHYBER!   Are you all right?

McKHYBER (Muffled.)
Yes.   Why do you ask?

SUZIE JAKUZI
What are you doing?

McKHYBER (Muffled.)
Just enjoying the view.

SUZIE JAKUZI (Angry.)
Well, stop it!
(Straight at camera.)
I was afraid he was having lunch, for a moment there!

McKHYBER (Looking up.)
Oh well, back to business.

He takes one last, close look at her breasts, then stands up.

McKHYBER
I suppose you’d like me to untie you?

SUZIE JAKUZI
With roving hands like yours, I think it might be safest.

McKHYBER
Okay.

Leaning under the table behind her, he struggles with the rope tying her hands for a moment, then straightens up again.

McKHYBER
The knot’s too tight, I’ll need to find something to cut the rope.

He looks round the attic, which has a few piles of rags, old clothes, wooden crates and cardboard boxes scattered around.

Finally he sees an old cereal box.

He races across to pick up the cereal box, then returns with it.

McKHYBER
Ah ha!   If my memory serves me right…
(Half a beat.)
And it never has yet.   If you tear the side off a cereal box correctly, then sharpen it along the top of a wooden table, you can turn it into a machete.

SUZIE JAKUZI (In disbelief.)
What?

McKHYBER
Trust me on this one.

He tears off one side of the cereal box, then starts sharpening the cardboard along the top of the table, as though he were honing a straight razor.

After a few moments the cardboard transforms into a long, wooden-handled machete.

McKHYBER (Holding machete up.)
Ah ha, just as I thought.

SUZIE JAKUZI (In disbelief.)
McKHYBER, you’re one of a kind…
(Half a beat.)
Thank Christ.

McKHYBER stares at her for a moment, then starts cutting her bindings.

Finally he drops the machete onto the table, and it transforms back into a piece of cereal box.

SUZIE JAKUZI
That’s a relief.

With McKHYBER’s help, she stands and starts massaging her wrists.   Then, as one of her breasts almost falls out of her blouse, she hurriedly does up the top buttons.

McKHYBER
Spoil sport.

SUZIE JAKUZI
Well, now we’re free, but how are we going to get out of here?

McKHYBER
The first thing to do is carefully check all the doors and windows.

They look round and see there is only one door, and one window looking out over the rooftop.

McKHYBER
You check the door, I’ll check the window.

SUZIE JAKUZI
Okay.

McKHYBER goes over and checks the window, which has a large deadbolt on it and also is nailed down.   He tries banging his fist against the glass a couple of times.

McKHYBER
Ouch…
(Half a beat.)
Unbreakable glass.   We’ll never get out that way.

Suzie rattles the doorknob for a moment, then taps on the wooden door a couple of times.

SUZIE JAKUZI
The door looks like solid oak and is almost brand new.   It’s locked and no sign of the key.

McKHYBER
Damn, I bet they left a spare key under the mat outside, if only we could get to it.

Suzie kneels down to try looking under the door.

SUZIE JAKUZI
I can’t tell, the door’s been fitted tightly so there’s no gap underneath.
(Hysterical.)
Oh God, oh God, we’re both going to die in here, aren’t we?

McKHYBER
Relax, I’ve never let any of my co-stars get killed yet, have I?

SUZIE JAKUZI
Weeeeeeell…?

McKHYBER
Don’t I always find some way to rescue them?

SUZIE JAKUZI
Yes, but you always find stupid, dumb, crazy solutions, like making a hand-grenade out of baking powder and soap.
(Half a beat.)
Or making a fully functional Army tank out of wooden crates and toenail clippings.
(Half a beat.)
Or making a working bazooka out of a matchbox and an HB pencil.

McKHYBER (Looking back at her.)
Suzie, is it your time of the month or something?

SUZIE JAKUZI (Indignant.)
How dare you!   That is the most sexist thing I’ve ever been asked.
(Half a beat/Embarrassed.)
As a matter of a fact, yes it is.

McKHYBER
In that case remind me not to pull you.

SUZIE JAKUZI (Indignant.)
I always do.

McKHYBER
That’s what I hear from the guys.
(Half a beat/Embarrassed.)
But you never seem to do it with me.

SUZIE JAKUZI (Indignant.)
I meant I always do remind you not to pull me.

McKHYBER
That’s true.
(Half a beat.)
You frigid bitch!

SUZIE JAKUZI (Indignant.)
How dare you!   I might be desperate for a root sometimes.   But never desperate enough to let you pull me.

McKhyber considers this for a moment, looking put out.

McKHYBER (Inspiration struck.)
Ah ha.

He reaches into his pockets and pulls out a box of matches and a grey-lead pencil.

McKHYBER
I knew these would come in handy…
(Half a beat.)
No, wait a minute….
(He stares closely at the pencil for a moment.)
Damn, it’s a 2B pencil!

He throws it down in disgust, then puts the matches back in his pocket.

McKHYBER
Everyone knows you need an HB pencil and a box of matches to make a working bazooka.

SUZIE JAKUZI (Hysterical.)
Oh God, you’re hopeless.   I bet Dr Quain, Miracle Worker could make a bazooka out of a 2B pencil and a box of matches.   Oh God, we’re both going to die in here, I knew it!   I knew it!

McKHYBER
Calm down!   Calm down!   The producers would never let a big-titted babe like you get killed off.

Suzie considers this, uncertain how to take it.

McKHYBER
Now help me look through these crates and boxes for anything we might be able to salvage.

They both go across and start hunting through the boxes and crates.

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM — LIT — DAVE CURTIS,
being interviewed by Debbie, Lieutenant, and 1st Sergeant.

POLICE LIEUTENANT
Look, Curtis, just come clean and you’ll save us all a lot of trouble.

DAVE CURTIS
I’ve got nothing to say.

Lieutenant sighs loudly from frustration.

He looks to the ceiling as though for inspiration for a second, then looks round as there is a KNOCK on the door.

The door opens and 2nd Sergeant looks in.

POLICE LIEUTENANT
What’s up?

2ND POLICE SERGEANT
He’s been sprung.

POLICE LIEUTENANT
You mean someone saw him do it?

2ND POLICE SERGEANT
No, he’s being released on bail.

POLICE LIEUTENANT
Who’d pay this scuzbag’s bail?

2ND POLICE SERGEANT
Big Tony Bertalucci.

Looking startled, Lieutenant spins round to stare at Dave Curtis.

POLICE LIEUTENANT
Big Tony, eh?   I always suspected you were bent, Curtis.

DEBBIE ALBRIGHT (Astonished.)
Then how come just last week you said he was the most honest, upstanding cop you’d ever had the pleasure to work with?

POLICE LIEUTENANT (Frustrated.)
Shut up, you bimbo, he didn’t have to know I said that.

DAVE CURTIS
The pleasure’s all mine, Lieutenant.
(Holding up his right hand to shake.)
Lieutenant slaps away the hand in disgust.

POLICE LIEUTENANT
Don’t push it, Curtis.   In my book there’s nothing worse than a bad cop.

1ST POLICE SERGEANT
Unless it’s two bad cops.

POLICE LIEUTENANT (Considering a moment.)
Oh yeah, I never thought of that.

1ST POLICE SERGEANT
And three bad cops is even worse than two bad cops.   And four bad cops is even worse….

POLICE LIEUTENANT (Glaring at 1st Sergeant.)
All right already.   We get the idea.

INT. SMALL ATTIC — EVENING — FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER

McKHYBER
Damn, nothing.   How about you?

SUZIE JAKUZI (Holding them up.)
All I’ve found is an old sardine tin, with a little oil left in it, half a lemon, and a small bottle of tomato chutney.

McKHYBER (Considering a moment.)
If I remember my junior high school chemistry properly, if you mix sardine oil, lemon juice, and tomato chutney, you get nitro-glycerine.

SUZIE JAKUZI (In disbelief.)
What?

McKHYBER (Apologetic.)
Well, it’s only very weak nitro-glycerine.
(Going over to her.)
Here, give them to me.

He takes them from her and starts mixing them in the sardine tin.

McKHYBER
They have to be mixed in exactly the right proportions…
(Half a beat.)
Or you might accidentally create an atomic explosion.

SUZIE JAKUZI (Astonished.)
What?

McKHYBER (Apologetic.)
Only a very small, atomic explosion you understand.
(Almost shouting.)
Look, it’s not my fault.   I’m not the dweeb who writes this shit.   And as long as people will watch shit like this, that bastard writer is going to keep getting away with it.   So, just don’t blame me, all right.

SUZIE JAKUZI
Sor…
(Half a beat.)
Ree.
(Under breath.)
Jesus, what a grouch!

He walks over toward the door and starts pouring the mixture into the lock.

McKHYBER
Now just keep your fingers crossed.

Taking the matchbox from his pocket, he puts a match into the lock to act as a fuse, lights another match and strikes it to the fuse.

McKHYBER
Now stand well back.

She ducks down and McKHYBER hides behind the wall.  

The fuse burns down for a few seconds, then there is a small POPPING sound.

They both stare at the door in dismay.

McKHYBER
Well, I warned you it was only very weak nitro-glycerine.

He tries the doorknob, which is still locked, then turns to face Suzie.

SUZIE JAKUZI
Oh God, what’ll we do now!

EXPLOSION behind McKHYBER.

The door suddenly blows inward sending him flying across the room.

Suzie shrieks and jumps out of the way as McKHYBER and the door fly past her, landing heavily with the door on top of him.

She stares down at McKHYBER’s feet sticking out from under the door, then looks across at the open doorway.

SUZIE JAKUZI
Oh well, at least he got the door open.

NARRATOR V/O
McKHYBER…
(Half a beat.)
The man who makes the impossible seem barely plausible.

EXT. FOREST — DAY — DAVE CURTIS &WINSTON MARTIN
are both dressed in camouflage greens walking through the forest.

Dave Curtis is carrying a rifle, Winston Martin carries a large, single-volume encyclopaedia.

WINSTON MARTIN
Trust me, a little hunting will make you forget all about Tammy Van Altern being murdered.
(Half a beat.)
And you are being arrested for her murder.
(Half a beat.)
And about everyone thinking you’re in league with Tony Bertalucci.
(Half a beat.)
And about your old Lieutenant accusing you of being a bent cop.   And about….

DAVE CURTIS
All right, already!   I thought the idea was to cheer me up!   Not rub it in.

WINSTON MARTIN
Well, sor…
(Half a beat.)
Orr-ree.   Anyway trust me, hunting will allow you to forget the grind of police work, forget the violence and bloodshed.
(Half a beat.)
Allow you to commune with nature.
(Half a beat.)
Allow you to get in touch with your gentle side.
(Half a beat.)
And to blow the guts out of some defenceless animals.

Dave Curtis looks puzzled considering this.

DAVE CURTIS
Okay, well if we’re going, let’s get going.

They start stalking slowly through the dense forest, looking about feverishly left and right for game.

DAVE CURTIS
Shush, I think I hear something.

WINSTON MARTIN
What is it?

DAVE CURTIS
I think it’s….

MOVING SHOT following Dave as he suddenly takes off through the forest, narrowly avoiding high-speed collisions face first with trees as he runs.

He runs for seemingly miles, before suddenly stopping a few feet from a great elm tree.

He raises the rifle and aims at the tree from point-blank range.

LOUD CLICK as he cocks the triggers on the rifle.

PANTING from behind him as Winston finally catches up.

WINSTON MARTIN
What are you doing?

DAVE CURTIS
Stand well back, I think it’s dangerous…
(Half a beat.)
I’m gonna kill it before it attacks.

He starts to pull both triggers.

WINSTON MARTIN
Hold on, Dave.
(Pointing toward it.)
It’s got a sign on it.

They carefully circle round in a 90-degree arc to read a small white sign, hung on the tree.

The sign says “TREE”.

The two cops look puzzled.

WINSTON MARTIN (Scratching his head.)
It says, “Tree”.
(Leafing through encyclopaedia/Puzzled.)
Tree?…
(Half a beat.)
Tree?…
(Half a beat.)
Tree?   Ah, here it is.

The encyclopaedia has a picture of a tree.   Beneath the picture is the caption, “Tree”.

WINSTON MARTIN
It says, “Tree”….

The lower caption says, “DO NOT SHOOT”.

WINSTON MARTIN
“Do not shoot Tree”.

The two cops both look disappointed.

DAVE CURTIS (Angry.)
Damn!

Winston slams the book and they start out again.

They set out through the forest again.

After a few seconds there is the SOUND OF RUNNING FEET through the brush ahead of them.

DAVE CURTIS
Come on.

Dave starts racing through the forest with Winston falling further and further behind.

Finally Dave catches up with the running figure, which is a large dog.

DAVE CURTIS (Shouting at dog.)
All right you viscous bastard, I’ve got you now!

He aims his rifle right between the dog’s eyes.

PANTING FROM EXHAUSTION, Winston finally catches up with him.

WINSTON MARTIN
Hold on, Dave.   It’s got a sign on it.
(Pointing toward it.)
Winston carefully steps forward to examine a small white sign, hung on the dog’s collar.

The sign says, “DOG”.

The two cops look puzzled.

WINSTON MARTIN
It says, “Dog”.
(Leafing through encyclopaedia/Puzzled.)
Dog?…
(Half a beat.)
Dog?…
(Half a beat.)
Dog?   Ah, here it is.

The encyclopaedia has a picture of a dog.   Beneath  the picture is the caption, “Dog”.

WINSTON MARTIN
It says, “Dog”….

The lower caption says, “DO NOT SHOOT”.

WINSTON MARTIN
“Do not shoot Dog”.

The two cops both look disappointed.

DAVE CURTIS (Angry.)
Damn!

Winston slams the book and they start out again.

They set out through the forest again.

After a few seconds there is the SOUND OF FEET ahead of them.

DAVE CURTIS
Come on.

Dave starts racing through the forest with Winston falling further and further behind.

EXT. COW PADDOCK — DAY
After a while Dave breaks cover and runs out into the large paddock, and catches up to a lumbering figure, which is a cow.

DAVE CURTIS (Shouting at cow.)
All right you bastard, prepare to eat lead.

He aims his rifle right between the cow’s eyes, which continues to chew cud, looking unconcerned.

PANTING FROM EXHAUSTION, Winston finally catches up with him.

WINSTON MARTIN
Hold on, Dave.   It’s got a sign on it.
(Pointing toward it.)

Winston carefully steps forward to examine a small white sign, hung on a string around the cow’s neck.

The sign says, “COW”.   Both cops look puzzled.

WINSTON MARTIN
It says, “Cow”.
(Leafing through encyclopaedia/Puzzled.)
Cow?…
(Half a beat.)
Cow?…
(Half a beat.)
Cow?   Ah, here it is.

The encyclopaedia has a picture of a cow.   Beneath the picture is the caption, “Cow”.

WINSTON MARTIN
It says, “Cow”….

The lower caption says, “DO NOT SHOOT”.

WINSTON MARTIN
“Do not shoot Cow”.

Both cops look disappointed.

DAVE CURTIS
Damn it to hell!

Winston slams the book and they start out again.

They set out across the paddock again.

EXT. COW PADDOCK — DAY — TEN MINUTES LATER
They are still walking across the paddock approaching another, slightly larger, lumbering bovine.

DAVE CURTIS
Come on.

Dave starts racing across toward the animal, with Winston falling behind.

Finally he catches up to the figure, which is a large bull.

DAVE CURTIS (Shouting at bull.)
All right you bastard, it’s dying time.

He aims his rifle right between the bull’s eyes.

PANTING FROM EXHAUSTION, Winston finally catches up with Dave.

WINSTON MARTIN
Hold on, Dave.
(Pointing toward it.)
It’s got a sign on it.

Winston carefully steps forward to examine a small white sign, hung on a string around the bull’s neck.

The sign says, “BULL”.   Both cops look puzzled.

WINSTON MARTIN
It says, “Bull”.
(Leafing through encyclopaedia/Puzzled.)
Bull?…
(Half a beat.)
Bull?…
(Half a beat.)
Bull?   Ah, here it is.

The encyclopaedia has a picture of a bull.   Beneath the picture is the caption, “Bull”.

WINSTON MARTIN
It says, “Bull”….

The lower caption says, “DO NOT SHOOT”.

WINSTON MARTIN
“Do not shoot Bull”.

The two cops both look disappointed.

DAVE CURTIS
Damn!

WINSTON MARTIN (Still reading from book.)
And run like hell.

The bull starts snorting at them and pawing the ground as though about to charge.

DAVE CURTIS/WINSTON MARTIN (Shocked.)
A bull!    Aaaaaaaaaaah!

They start running with the bull charging after them.

ZOOM OUT TO LONG SHOT OF BULL CHASING
two cops across the cow paddock.

EXT. FOREST AT EDGE OF COW PADDOCK — DAY
After a few seconds SOUND OF RUNNING FEET.

Winston races across and starts climbing a barbed-wire fence to get out of the neighbouring paddock.

BULL SNORTING.

DAVE CURTIS O/S
Aaaaaaaaaaah!

Dave comes flying through the air straight over the barbed-wire fence.

He lands with a CRASH and rolls over three or four times.

Winston races across to help him up.

WINSTON MARTIN
Oh my God, Dave, are you okay?

Winston helps Dave back to his feed.

DAVE CURTIS
Yeah, it only hurts when I laugh…
(Half a beat.)
Ha!

He collapses to the ground.

EXT. FOREST — DAY — HALF AN HOUR LATER
Dave is still a little unsteady on his feet.

After a moment they see movement in the forest ahead of them.

DAVE CURTIS (Whispering.)
Come on.

Dave starts racing through the forest with Winston close behind.

Finally they break cover and see a naked woman lying on her back sunbathing.

WINSTON MARTIN
Holy shit!

WOMAN
Hello.

DAVE CURTIS
Hello.   Are you game?

Woman starts running her tongue invitingly around the outside of her mouth, smiling at him.

WOMAN
I sure am, handsome.

Dave aims his rifle at her and FIRES.

EXPLOSION, then Woman’s stomach bursts open, gushing blood across the clearing.

WINSTON MARTIN (Shocked.)
Oh my God!   Why did you do that?

DAVE CURTIS
Well, she said she was game.

Winston starts furiously leafing through the encyclopaedia as Dave goes over to examine his kill.

The encyclopaedia has a picture of a naked woman in a forest.   Beneath the picture is the caption, “Game”.

WINSTON MARTIN
It says, “Game”….

The lower caption says, “YOU MAY SHOOT GAME”.

WINSTON MARTIN
“You may shoot Game”.

The two cops both look pleased.

WINSTON MARTIN
Thank God…
(Half a beat.)
I thought we were in trouble for a moment there!

Winston slams the book shut and starts across to examine the kill also.

WINSTON MARTIN
I want the brush.

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT TWO:

ACT THREE:

FADE IN:
INT. U.S. COURTROOM — DAY — FEMALE JUDGE
at the bench; Dave Curtis & his DEFENCE ATTORNEY are sitting near the front of the court while a previous defendant is being tried.

DISTRICT ATTORNEY (Whispering.)
This judge has the reputation for being just a tad severe in passing sentences.

JUDGE
How do you find the defendant?   Guilty?   Or not guilty?

FOREMAN OF THE JURY
We find the defendant, Ronald Joseph Bloggs…
(Half a beat.)
Guilty!

JUDGE (Shouting/Banging Gavel.)
Off with his head!

DISTRICT ATTORNEY & Defence Attorney both look shocked.

1ST DEFENCE ATTORNEY
Isn’t that a bit extreme, your honour?

JUDGE
Don’t argue with me.
(Shouting/Banging Gavel.)
Off with his head, I say!

DISTRICT ATTORNEY (Standing.)
But your honour, Mr Bloggs has only been convicted of J-walking.

JUDGE (Angry.)
Don’t argue with me.   I have God-like powers and I have the authority to use them.
(Shouting/Banging Gavel.)
Now, off with his head!

EXT. EXECUTION YARD BEHIND PRISON — DAY
Bloggs is kneeling with his hands tied behind his back, his head on a chopping block.

Behind him stands a masked axeman, the Judge, the DEFENCE ATTORNEY, and the public defender, in front of a small crowd, including Dave Curtis and his attorney.

DISTRICT ATTORNEY
I know I was the one who prosecuted him, but I still think execution is a little harsh.

JUDGE (Shouting.)
Quiet!   Now off with his head!

Axeman swings the axe and beheads Bloggs.

Dave Curtis looks as though he is about to faint.

DAVE’S DEFENCE ATTORNEY
As I said, she’s just a tad severe in sentencing at times.

INT. U.S. COURTROOM — DAY — FEMALE JUDGE
at the bench; Dave Curtis sitting at stand, being cross-examined.

Audience are shouting excitedly and Judge is banging gavel to silence.

JUDGE
Silence in the court.

Dave’s Defence Attorney is standing behind barrier.

DAVE’S DEFENCE ATTORNEY
Objection, your honour, the counsel is trying to lead the witness.

DISTRICT ATTORNEY (Indignant.)
Nonsense.

INT. U.S. COURTROOM — DAY — DAVE CURTIS
is now down on his hands and knees before the bench, with a collar around his neck.

DISTRICT ATTORNEY has a leash attached to the collar and is leading Dave around the courtroom.

DISTRICT ATTORNEY
How dare you, I resent the insinuation that I would ever lead a witness!

JUDGE (Banging Gavel.)
Objection sustained.   Counsel, you will refrain from attempting to lead the witness in future, Mr Boggins.

DISTRICT ATTORNEY
Very good, your honour.

INT. U.S. COURTROOM — DAY — DAVE CURTIS
is now seated in the witness box again.

There are two cops standing just inside the double doors to the outside corridor.

JUDGE
Mr Curtis’s last remarks will be stricken from the court record.

She turns to LHS of shot where a DISC JOCKEY is standing beside an old-fashioned gramophone.

DISC JOCKEY
Yes, your honour.

DISC JOCKEY takes old 78-LP off gramophone and smashes record
against the gramophone.

Then he takes another 78 record from a small table and puts the new record of the player and winds the handle to start it playing.

JUDGE (Looking toward the jury.)
And the jury will disregard everything they have just heard or seen.

TWILIGHT ZONE THEME starts playing.

Smoke starts swirling from the wall near the record player.

After a second a Rod-Serling Look-Alike steps out of the smoke.

ROD STERLING (Walking deeper into court room while talking.)
Where could a judge direct a jury to forget a piece of evidence they have heard, and really expect them to be able to do so?…
(Half a beat.)
Only here.
(Double beat.)
In the Twilight Court!

The judge starts banging her gavel again.

JUDGE
Someone please get that damn Rod-Serling Look-Alike out of my court.

The two cops standing inside the double doors race down an aisle between the audience.

They run through the small gate to enter the bench area and grab Rod Sterling by one arm each.

ROD STERLING
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

He continues screaming as they carry him back into the audience area, along the aisle and out the doors.

INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE COURT ROOM/LOWER LEVEL — DAY
Doors burst open and the two cops run out carrying the still screaming Rod Sterling.

They carry him down the corridor toward a wide staircase, then carry him down the staircase, to the reception area at the lower level.

With Rod Sterling still screaming, the two cops carry him across to the open front door.

EXT. STAIRS OUTSIDE COURT BUILDING — DAY
The two cops run out still carrying Rod Sterling and throw him down the concrete steps.

Still screaming, Rod Sterling rolls down the steps and lands on the sidewalk in front of gaping pedestrians.

1ST COP (Brushing his hands together.)
And stay out!

The two cops turn and walk back into the court building.

INT. U.S. COURTROOM — DAY — TWILIGHT ZONE THEME
still playing and the cops enter again and stand with their backs to the wall on either side of the door.

JUDGE (Angry.)
And for Christ’s sake somebody stop that damn Twilight Zone music.

DISC JOCKEY
Yes, ma’am.
(Straight at camera.)
I guess this chick just isn’t into classic sci-fi themes!

He takes the record off the gramophone and smashes the record against the small table.

JUDGE
That’s more like it.
(Turning toward DEFENCE ATTORNEY.)
All right, Mr Boggins, please continue with your questioning.

DISTRICT ATTORNEY
Very good, your honour.
(To Dave Curtis.)
Where were you on the night of September the 15th, 1964, Mr Curtis?

DAVE CURTIS (Considering.)
Well, if my memory serves me right, that was the day before I was born…
(Half a beat.)
So, at a guess, I’d say I was still inside my mother’s belly.

DISTRICT ATTORNEY
Ah, but can you prove that?

DAVE CURTIS
Of course, all you have to do is ask her.
(Pointing at Mother in audience.)
She’s right over there.

MOTHER
Yes, that was the day before he was born.   He was definitely still in my belly.

DISTRICT ATTORNEY
Objection.   Her testimony isn’t worth a red nickel, you just said that she was your mother…
(Half a beat.)
Of course she’d back up anything you say.

DAVE CURTIS
Well, how else am I supposed to prove it?   The doctor who delivered me is dead, as is the midwife, and the nurse.

DISTRICT ATTORNEY
That is your problem, not mine.

DAVE CURTIS (Angry.)
Listen you major-dingleberryhead!

DISTRICT ATTORNEY
Objection, your honour.   This is clearly a hostile witness.

DAVE CURTIS (Angry.)
Well, of course I’m hostile, when you start asking me bloody stupid questions like that.

JUDGE
Objection sustained.
(To Dave Curtis.)
Just answer the questions politely, or you’ll find yourself in contempt of court.

DAVE CURTIS
Jesus Christ!

JUDGE
And in contempt of the church.

Dave looks astonished.

PRIEST in the audience leaps to his feet and points his right hand at Dave.

PRIEST (Shouting.)
Blasphemer!

JUDGE (Banging gavel on bench.)
I’ll do the religious jokes in this court, thank you Reverend!

Priest sits down again.

DISTRICT ATTORNEY (To Dave Curtis.)
Can you in fact prove that you were even born at all?

DAVE CURTIS
Well, no.   I’ve just told you that the doctor, midwife, and nurse at my birth are all dead.   As is my father.

DISTRICT ATTORNEY
So, in fact, for all we know, you might never have been born at all?

GASPS from the audience & jury box.

DAVE CURTIS (Considering a moment.)
Well, I do have my birth certificate.

He pulls it out of his shirt pocket and hands the certificate to the DEFENCE ATTORNEY who reads it for a moment.

DISTRICT ATTORNEY
And who is this Doctor Golightly?

DAVE CURTIS
He was the doctor who delivered me.

DISTRICT ATTORNEY
So let me see if I have this straight?   You want us to accept as proof of your birth, a birth certificate signed by one Enoch Golightly, who by your own admission is now deceased?

DAVE CURTIS
Well, yes.

DISTRICT ATTORNEY
Or in fact, may never have even existed for all we know.

DAVE CURTIS
His isn’t the only signature on it.

DISTRICT ATTORNEY
Oh yes.
(Reading certificate for a moment.)
Who is this Jayne Peters.

MOTHER
That’s me.

DISTRICT ATTORNEY
Who by your own admission is your mother?

DAVE CURTIS
Yes.

DISTRICT ATTORNEY
And thus a biased witness.

MOTHER
I think Mrs Ferguson also signed it.

DISTRICT ATTORNEY (Reading for a moment.)
Oh yes, Mrs Margaret Ferguson…
(Half a beat.)
And whom prey tell is Mrs Margaret Ferguson?

DAVE CURTIS
The midwife who helped deliver me.