Oh God, Scotty’s on his way down here. I hope it’s not me, please don’t let it be me.

Everyone’s panicking. A lot of the lads are finishing off their goodbye letters to send home to their families in case it’s their turn; they all know what it means when Scotty turns up. There’s only one reason that anyone ever sees us, the rest of the time we’re kept hidden away deep in the ship, all crammed together in one room. It’s like we’re in a condemned cell. Scotty will come in and say that he wants one or two people to beam down to some planet with the Captain and Mr Spock and then that’s it, nobody will ever hear from them again.

I didn’t know it would be like this. “A five year mission,” the advert said, “seeking out new life and civilisations”. Well, it sounded like fun. I’d just finished my exams at Star College and I thought a bit of “boldly going” would be good experience so I applied for the job. It was just pure chance that I happened to pick up a red jumper instead of a yellow or blue one when we came on board. If I’d have chosen another colour, I wouldn’t be in this position. My mate Brian got a yellow jumper and all he has to do all day is sit on a stool next to one of the doors on B deck and make a “shooshing” sound whenever anyone goes through it. I could have done that. Instead, I get to be murdered by some furry alien on a rocky planet purely so that the Captain can look macho and heroic.

All because of that bloody red jumper.

Oh no, here he is, here’s Scotty. I’ve got to try and look my best; they never pick the charismatic or cool people. It’s always the most generic, anonymous looking ones that get beamed down – those that don’t stand out too much and are easily forgotten about. Everyone’s sucking their stomachs in too, they don’t want people who are thinner than the Captain because it highlights his chubbiness. It’s not easy to stay in shape though with them feeding us up all the time.

Thank God! I’m okay! Scotty’s asked Spong to go!

Poor Spong, he’s done nothing wrong. I reckon they only went for him because his name sounds a bit like Mr Spock’s. I suppose it makes it easier for the admin department if he’s out of the picture.

I’m safe then. Until next week anyway.

You know, thinking about it, Scotty doesn’t even sound all that Scottish to me. Something odd is going on around here…