A note to my wife.

Today when you were on the phone and behaving so nice and loving towards JJ, I realized that I was truly alone in this world. It’s okay, since others in the world have also been loners with few, if any, friends or close confidants: Kepler, Newton, Mozart to name three. Except in the past you made it clear to me that I was not remotely in their league. Maybe you’d like me to give you a list of others in the world who are alone, but as they aren’t famous or well-known, I have no idea who they are. Am I the only loner who is substandard to Geniuses like above?

The other night in the swimming pool, you made it clear to me that I choose not to make changes in my life that may cause me to be more popular or better liked. The big problem with that is that I did make great changes in my life – for my first wife – but it didn’t matter. I never felt loved in that relationship. And I don’t feel loved now. No, it’s not pity. You claim to love me, but I have no reason to believe it save your word. There is something about me, about who I am, about my personality, or whatever, that makes me un-loveable, unpopular, worthy of scorn. I cannot change who I am. God made me this way, if you believe the Scriptures. And only He can change me. I can change, alter, or stop some behaviors, but I am still the same person. How on Earth could I possibly turn into the man who manages the local grocery store?

One of your close friends told me, back in 1994, that if my first wife had given me what I wanted, I wouldn’t be looking for comfort elsewhere. So true. I never felt loved or trusted – and I never drank liquor at all during my first marriage.

God must have loved the common people, because he made so many of them. And they love each other and common people have lots of friends and buddies and so forth. I don’t, and I can live with that. Most people are not at my level of intelligence or education; that doesn’t mean I don’t love them. It means that they are not interesting to hang around with; and I am sure many of them would get bored if they had me around, the “egghead” in the group.

My oldest son has been rude and disrespectful to me. And although he’s violated the 5th Commandment, it’s okay, since I am not loveable and deserve the pain, grief, and suffering.

My older daughter must respect me so much that she took financial advantage of me, among doing other terrible things and thinks everything is okay if she merely apologizes and stops doing bad stuff.  But it’s okay to screw dad because he is not loveable and deserves the punishment.

My younger daughter respects me so well that she badmouths me to the church leaders, and refused to invite me to her oh-so-important 2nd marriage. And we aren’t even talking about her stealing some $400 from me and my family. But it’s okay for her to steal, as long it is from me, an unworthy soul.

My 26-year-old son shows me great respect by returning my kindness and generosity with stealing from me, and justifying it. After all, it’s okay to be rude to an un-loveable father. No commandments were broken.

And, guess what? Now you, my wife, thinks it is okay to be nice, to this thief drug addict alcoholic son – and in my presence no less – because it is just fine to keep hurting such an un-loveable person.

There must be something wrong with me. And maybe there is. From my perspective, I have tried all my life to root out defects and improve myself so as to be a better person. I thought I was doing a good job. But since five of my six adult kids are liars, cheats, druggies, thieves, or whatnot, they must have inherited the evil seed from my loins, thus proving that I, indeed, am not worthy of respect or love.