She felt my lymph nodes to see if they were inflamed. This would be a kind of pleasant erotic massage in any other circumstance.

“Is this one of the sores you were talking about?” She swabbed it with an elongated cotton swab, with force, and put it in a specimen jar.

“Hm so you are experiencing discomfort. It is quite tender then.”

“Yeah… I figured they’re mainly just from jacking it too much.”

She squeezed my penis. “Just seeing if I can get some of the discharge.”

Hello Dr. Octagon.

“OK, that’s fine. You can get dressed now.”

“Well I got the swabs. It’s probably not herpes, as the sores are tender. You’re not really at risk of HIV, because all your partners are female. But we’ll test for that anyway. By the way, if it turns out you are HIV positive – it’s not the horrible disease of the 80s that it once was. Many people now get treatment and live long and fulfilling lives – just had to give that disclaimer.

“I recommend that you don’t use soap on the genitals. Here’s some information. I’ll prescribe you some lighter wash that you can use, and some contrimazole cream. When you come in again next week we’ll see if that’s helped at all.”

“So you’re not going to refer me to Masturbator’s Anonymous.”

She laughed “No, but if I did… I’m sure you’re not the only who’d need that service.” I think she was speaking from experience.

She said I should come back next week so she could look at my dick again… But I don’t think she phrased it like that.

I got out into the pharmacy. Katrina was sitting down, waiting for her scrip.

“Hey. How are you?” I said.

“Fine…”

I sat down next to her. “Man, it’s kind of bad. I’ve been checking out some girls in here but in the back of my mind I’m like… hmm maybe she’s a worker.”

She laughed nervously.

“See that sign over there… so weird.”

“Southern Regions? What are they saying? People are injecting into their gonads? The last bit is funny too. Like, hey, have some more heroin. Just add some more heroin… Mix it in with your cereal.”

She laughed nervously and hurried away without looking back after she got her scrip. I probably should have kept talking to get her to open up. But hey, I approached a girl at a sexual health clinic… maybe next visit, I can get a phone number.

After I got my moisturising wash and athlete’s foot cream, they took a blood sample. It was a thoroughly enjoyable experience and I recommend anyone in Melbourne to take a visit to the Melbourne Sexual Health Centre. Fun for the whole family.

I especially like them because the test was so easy, I got a pass on everything. Even herpes.  Phew.