A note to my readers.
A quickly put together note to my readers, regular and… irregular, I have a lot I want to say, so bear with me.
Firstly, I’d like to apologise for my use and misuse of the forum. I’ve been erratic and often rude, and I’m sorry. For those who don’t know, I’m currently struggling to fight off a depressive episode. I am currently in college out-of-term and I am quite, quite alone. The friends I was expecting to hang around with have had to go home, struggling with their own demons. My other internet hang-outs have been getting quiet, the friendly communities I’ve relied upon in times of loneliness are no longer there, so I’ve been using the Triond forum for amusement and the venting of frustrations far more than I ever intended.
I’ve been using Triond for two years now. When I first saw that Triond had added a forum, I didn’t like the idea. I used to rather like the quiet anonymity of place, relying simply on my work to get a small sum to fritter on jewellery. But, out of curiosity I had a look. I commented on a few threads, I discovered Stumble Upon, nothing drastic. But suddenly I found myself with more friends, more regular views, my earnings tripled, I was getting more comments, I was even finding more writers whose work I really enjoyed. I started visiting far more often, even getting involved in arguments, which is normally not my style at all. Now I find myself addicted to it in the same way I get with a lot of websites, especially as those other sites aren’t offering me much in at the moment.
In the quest for more views, and spurred on by kind comments and a need for stress-relief, I started posting more often than before. I always have a lot of ideas buzzing around in my head, and when something offers a release for them I can become obsessed with it. I have a list of articles and stories yet to write that currently runs to seven pages of my notebook. Most of these I worked hard on, through February especially. The end of February and the beginning of March brought a lot of stresses: the deadline for my dissertation looming over me like a numeric sword of Damocles, the death of a boy in college, then the death of a friend and the impact that had on my little clique at college. I stopped having the time to research articles and found myself whipping through the occasional poem. Those occasional poems became almost daily pieces. A few lines would flutter in my head for an hour or so, and then I’d jot them down, fill in the gaps and post them. I rarely spent more than an hour on any of them, but I felt the need to post them to force myself to stop and do something more productive. No one complained, so I just kept going.
I look at them now and I hate every one of them. There’s not a single line I’m pleased with. With the exception of a couple of drawings, the poem about Conrad Veidt and perhaps the silly monster one, there’s been nothing since “Ode to My Muse” that I’m in any way content with, and that was posted over a month ago. My front page is cluttered with bad rhymes and attempts at irony that don’t seem to get through. I’ve been mistaking instinct for inspiration and complacency for contentment, and I’m sorry for that. I’ve been allowing personal problems and heightened emotions to get in the way of improvement. I don’t even feel I can rightly refer to any of those latest pieces as “work” as so little effort and thought really went into them. And no, this isn’t just a reaction to criticism, I’ve been worrying about them anyway. Seems I got it into my head to try to be Amanda Palmer. Well, her or John Cooper Clarke. Obviously I’m not either of them, although I do sometimes do my hair in a similar way to Johnny Clarke, if you can beleive that. Still, admiration can turn so easily into imitation, don’t you think?
I will be posting far fewer pieces from now on. Today (Saturday) I have to move to another room for the rest of the vacation, and I intend to use that as a chance to change my habits. I shall write my last essay, start my revision and start working on bigger pieces. I have some articles I want to write, so you should be seeing those in the near future, and maybe a short story if I can get this damned idea to form into something linear. I also have plans for a big art piece which should allow me time to get into a nice big project for a change, as well as taking the chance to work on my novel… So although I’ll be posting less, I’ll still be posting. I’m going to try to spend less time on the forum too. I find myself arguing, being misunderstood and causing problems more times than not, it’s not doing me or anyone else that much good. I will try to keep up with my friends’ work and catch up with all that I’ve missed. I’ll try to visit the forum occasionally but not sit there all day. If there’s a thread anyone particularly wants me to comment on, message me. I will continue to reply to messages as often as have something to reply to.
Lastly, I’d like to say thanks to my regular readers, and to anyone who wandered in and posted a comment. I received my thousandth comment today, which is amazing, frankly. Thank you all for your patience.
Oh, dear thing. No worries here! You would have to work so much harder than that to offend me! I’m a school teacher you know 
It does get better after college, never fear, and everything you write is a learning experience, if nothing else then to show you what you don’t want to write! And I like your crap, thank you very much. It is often entertaining.
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