I am way too young to have a midlife crisis yet way too old not to worry about it either. I have passed my silver anniversary in this world for which I should be thankful for, yet I still wonder if I am already living or still surviving.

Seems like I have been stuck in this limbo for around three years now and it’s up to me to either sink or swim. My fight or flight option has way been done for when I’ve ultimately stopped pushing after my last thread broke. While mending my way back, I thought I should let “advantage” find its way to me.

I don’t want to think of myself as a loser for I was raised to be a winner. Sadly, I haven’t reached the expectation I have been set up to meet. I remember how people in my community used to ask the younger ones to be like me–a kind, responsible, intelligent being bound to success. But choosing the road less traveled by during my 20s, I was left with no choice but to create a life while having limited access to past successful references to the road I am traveling by.

Carpe viam. Seize the road. The past years won’t be silver if I were to turn back the road I am taking. But what am I doing now? Seems like I am turning back and switching lanes too late in this life time. Though it seems like that, I still believe this road will lead me to a meaningful end. It just so happen that I have to accept the need to catch up on some cogs and wheels that I have left behind when I jumped my gun before.

I have overestimated my abilities and I have belittled the struggles I were to face. I was a pollyanna, blinding myself from responsibilities and consequences, thinking there will always be somebody to save me from distress. I never thought that making major decisions will soon be my task as part of this road-less-traveled-by-development. I broke down. People in this road tried helping me stand up again. But assessing myself that I was becoming more of a liability than an asset, I decided to let them go ahead without me while I spend a considerable amount of time at the pit stop before running the race again.

Carpe diem. Seize the day. Am I just wasting time, being an old dog that I am, learning new tricks? Maybe, if I just see myself competing with other people. I am up against myself.

Carpe viam. But only time will prove my loyalty to this road. And it is only through this pit stop that I could grab some of my loved ones’ time to make them turn their heads on my branches and realize that it honors its tree as well.

I am no bad seed. There is less than three years left for that piece of sand, embraced by layers of tears sown in that shell of pit stop, before turning it to a precious pearl.

I will endure. I will succeed. I will conquer.