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Brad Advice- Special Immortality column

Our only question today comes from Duff D.Moss-Dear Brad, I’ve just today decided I want to be immortal. With some dismay it seems that technology has not yet advanced sufficiently for me to transfer my consciousness to a super cool robot body with an imminently intimidating endo-skeleton. Additionally, I can’t leave it to chance that there is an afterlife – I just don’t trust all those religious and new age fuckers. How can I achieve my desire (and don’t try that whole I will live on in my children line of crap).

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Duff I want you to think back to yesterday.  No matter what we do we cannot return there.  And I want you to think forward to tomorrow.  We can hope it comes we can even plan for its eventual arrival but we cannot make it get here sooner.  The only thing we have is right here and now.  We think yesterday existed because we have a memory of it and we think tomorrow will come because when yesterday was here we thought there would be a today and now it has arrived so it is reasonable to think the pattern will continue uninterrupted for you and the universe.  But the reality is the only thing you can be one hundred percent sure of is that you think you exist.  Without you nothing else matters because if you are not around to confirm its existence then it does not matter if it exists or not.  My gut feeling Duff D. Moss is I and everyone else are just a figment of your imagination.  You are in fact God and this life is your dream.  Why you materialized as a fat little man on the bottom of the planet I as a simple neuron travelling through your mind could never know.  But perhaps you wished to dwell upon your own significance by creating a world where you were in fact insignificant to all but a few and even to them really not much more than a provider of allowance, shelter, and computer advice.    I am afraid I cannot grant you immortality Duff for it is something only you possess the rest of us are all insignificant thoughts that will pass like a Taco Bell Burrito after a handful of Ex lax.