January 08, 2009

“I Confess”

Even though I use it from time to time, I still entertain a mild fear of make-up. I simply have no idea what I’m doing beyond grey eye shadow. I’m scared to go into dark bathrooms with mirrors. I have to stick my arm in and fish around for the light switch first. I suspect this has something to do with Bloody Mary. I’m ashamed of my arrogance at times. It’s a disingenuous form of confidence I use as a bit of a barrier. I’m working on it. I feel ridiculous even looking at non-essential underwear (lingerie). Wearing it would be almost entirely out of the question. I’m only about half as confident as I seem if I’m being generous. “Boys” still make me feel the same way they did in 6th grade. I’m just a little better at disguising my nervousness, now. Sometimes I feel like I’m suffocating under the heavy blanket of my own ignorance. Ignorance is oppression to me. I don’t think I’ll ever succeed in dispelling that feeling. I often wish I wasn’t such a critical, judgmental, assuming bitch. I’ll try. I misrepresent myself often. I’m mostly a flirt and tease. My antics are just that. Frivolous displays of vapidity intended to pass for fleeting amusements. My most sincere flirtations are slow going and subtle. Sometimes I make my gummi bears hump before I eat them. It’s like a colorful orgy in my mouth.

To be continued…

January 15, 2009

“More Confessions”

My five year old niece probably knows me better than anyone else in the world. Not quirks or secrets or problems or past or anything like that, of course. I just don’t feel like I have to hide sensitivities around her. I feel less guarded and more affectionate than with anyone else. I constantly question people’s motives. Even my mother’s. Even mine. I don’t judge people much based on what I think the darker side to their doings might be, but I definitely wonder about it and generally assume the worst. I usually freely admit this, but in a joking way. I feel like putting it here, anyway, and letting people know I’m dead serious about it: I know that a big part of why I never really got into dating was because of how remote the area I’ve grown up in is and all the soap opera like story lines and secrets that get forgotten about generation by generation. I’m so damn scared I’ll end up unknowingly screwing a cousin and getting pregnant with a retarded, sickly, scary, mermaid legged, lobster clawed, flipper footed, cousin fucking product of a baby that I very rarely ever screw anyone, almost never let it last, and try my best not to do it locally. Sobriety of it is generally also questionable. I’ll work on it.