It’s been too long. Please excuse the crassness. 

Have you ever felt it?
It’s that feeling when you know nothing will be right.
When you try. try again. try harder. try yet again.
but it all crashes down.
infront of you.

in that one moment of silence. that one doing. in that one moment of reckoning. that one moment.
the best moment. yet the worst one.
the best because there will be nothing like it. worst because it’ll let nothing be like what it was anymore.

it’s that feeling of desperation. that feeling of helplessness.
when you’re down on your knees and your holding onto the last strand of support – which too keeps slipping out of your hand as each moment passes.

You question what you’ve become. you question where you’ve come. You question the validity of what remains.

You want to do things differently. Go back in time and say the right thing. Or not say anything at all. Or say something that had to be said. It’s about understanding. About realizing.
It’s when you put your head on top of the pillow – but feel no support. No comfort. It’s when you want to bawl but there is nothing left inside of you that needs to come out – yet there is so much.

It’s about being confused. being happy for being sad and being sad for being happy. It’s about the rush you feel when you see the jigsaw taking shape.
It’s the calm that you get from looking at still water.
It’s the joy that you get when you see children smile.

It’s when you start dreaming – not because you want to, but because you have no choice. It’s when your nightmares constitute your dreams going awry. It’s an intersection of space and time. It’s a deja vu that you experience time and time again. yet it feels different each time.

It’s when you know that you’re not meant to be here – or better yet that you’re only meant to be here.
it’s when you want to say something but your mind doesn’t let you. Neither does your heart. But you still want to say it. For yourself.

It’s when you await a response – knowing it won’t come. It’s when you ask a question- knowing it won’t be answered. It’s when you hope – knowing it won’t materialize. It’s when you raise your voice knowing it won’t be heard. It’s when you’re so bowed down – knowing it doesn’t matter. because noone cares. or then they care too much. It’s about thinking. It’s about mourning. It’s about knowing in your heart – there isn’t anyone.

THERE NEVER WAS, THERE NEVER IS, THERE NEVER WILL BE.