Like a cloud full of fire and rage and a sense of feeling alone wept over me. From a early age before my teen years this cloud hung over me. I remember the abuse that i kept to myself. They made it pretty clear that they were in charge and who would believe a silly child. I grew up with mental secrets that were molding my future. I was so young i didn’t know the wounds that i would be caring for years to come. Sucide came into play in my teenage years. I must of thought about a millions ways to do the deed. I felt i didn’t fit in anywhere or in any group. I still didn’t tell anyone how i felt or that i was having these thoughts. I hung around crowds of people that were trashy and weren’t well accepted. I thought i was like them. A throw away to be used and pushed around. I learned to be tough and proved myself doing thing like being a bully. I would push kids around and tease them to prove to the others i was just like them and to earn their respect. Inside i cried out for the ones that suffered in my hands. I didn’t like doing these things but at the time better them than me. All this messed me up mentally even more. I just wanted to die.Its funny how as parents we send our kids to school and give the princpal and teacher permission to correct us. We just assume the teacher will help our children and not harm them mentally. It all starts in grade school. My parents had no ideal of the abuse i was having to deal with. They did know that i wasn’t as smart as the rest of the kids in the family. How could anyone know that i was smarter than they thought when i already have given up on life. I didn’t see a future without anger or abuse. I had already told the truth but instead of help they abused me. My parents never knew that a Principal had abused me so bad and had beat into me that i was no good and was nothing but trash. I walked away from that knowing that anyone could abuse me because i was just a child ,and their was nothing i could do except give up and play the game they gave me. I was nothing and would never amount to nothing and as one teacher told me my parents didn’t want me and they didn’t love me. Do you know what happens to a child to hear that everyday of school? They grow up believing their own parents don’t love them and they get depressed. Their minds are doomed from moving forward and growing in a positive way. I hated the group i hung around with.I hated everything they stood for. But they were the only ones that were like me i thought. I was like them but their was a difference. I didn’t do drugs or had sex. I pretended i did but in reality i was innocent inside. I didn’t mess with drugs until i was in my late teens and it was pot. I drank, i couldn’t fool the group in that but i didnt mind the booze. It took me away from my world for awhile. Life went on and i married . The marriage lasted 12 years until his death. Thats all i needed was to be a widow with kids and the depression moved in to the final stages. Life was not worth it. The feeling of being alone chocked me. The problems in the marriage were added on to a young woman who had been abused mentally and had been raped,beaten,degraded. On the outside i was the perfect wife and mother. Its funny how we can hide our true self’s and nobody knows the pain that your heart Carry’s. I did a good job hiding the problems until i crashed and burned. The thought of suicide and death consumed me every waking moment. Even with children i felt alone and would lock myself in my room for days crying and trying to destroy the part of me that i grew to hate. I was in my forties before i came to a point of opening up to a doctor. I just went in and sat down and cried the whole 45 minutes. She was very helpful. She walked me Thur life at each staged. I learned to quit blaming myself for what had happened to me. She put me on antidepressants and i soon start to enjoy life for the first time. I learned to take charge of my actions and was made aware that my actions just don’t affect me but others as well. Now after years of struggling with depression i have learned ways to control it without drugs. I focus on life and the beauty of each day and when i get depress i write, walk, cook do what ever will snap me out of that mood. Im a lot happier now. I don’t have a million dollars but i am surprise that i can live without all the material things that i don’t need. I only get the things i need. I don’t mind being alone. Its peaceful and i try not to let drama enter into my life. I learned a magic word everyone should learn and that one word that can change things is NO! I use to spend my time doing things for everybody and trying to please everyone that i lost myself in the process. I have learn that a woman can be a woman without giving all her power away to another person. If they control you then you are not you anymore, your just a shell of yourself. My kids are grown and they are living their own lives. Ill give advice when needed but they have to find their way in this world. They know if the get in trouble not to wait. Don’t let years and years pile up. Talk, write get it said and out there. Get rid of your demons. Life still has problems and i deal with it better than before. I get depressed but i don’t dwell on suicide. I see it coming sometimes. Like a fire cloud full of rage, but i know i can put the fire out and move on to another day. When your depressed take a walk and look at all the colors in your surrounding. Look at the birds, smell the flowers go to someplace interesting and engulf what you see and experience it fully. You have the power to change your mood. Don’t give up. Find someone who will really listen to what your saying and get help. Life is worth living it you get involved in it. Your children grow up seeing depression and seeing your mood swings and it does affect them. Go to group counseling and make them aware that its a problem and can be solved. Don’t let another generation go on believing that depression means you are crazy and should be locked up and the key thrown away. There is a lot of help for those who need it. Start searching you’ll find the help you need. A minute and Evey second something changes. Change with it. Don’t waste life sitting in your room with with a mind  of 1000 ways to kill yourself. Life will past you by. Life just keep on going and going.