I’ve been receiving ECT treatments weekly, or even more frequently, for several months, and while the suicidal depression that led to my getting this type of treatment has resolved, or at least appears to have resolved, the memory loss associated with the treatments is practially the basis of sadness itself.

I was speaking to my husband, and he mentioned a neurology appointment I had attended less than two weeks ago, of which I have absolutely no recollection. It’s a black hole in my mind, although we did find the prescription pad orders the neurologist wrote for an MRI to rule out cerbral atrophy or a stroke as the basis of my memory impairment. Such memory losses as these are frustrating and annoying, but not life-threatening.

I had an incident a few days ago in which I walked the few blocks to our local public library, then upon leaving,, stood in front of the building with no idea which way to turn- my memory of where my home was located, the house I have lived in for over ten years, to which I return on a daily basis- was gone. Another black hole, only this one with greater impact, and frankly, I was petrified. Fortunately for me, a gentleman I knew, who knew both that I had been suffering from depression AND where I lived came out of the library and walked me home.

While my mood improves, my energy increases, and my level of productivity returns to normal, and I seem stable ; mostly “myself”, rather than the shell of a person who was admitted to the psychiatric hospital in acute distress several months ago, I remain on short term disability, unable to return to my job, because of my memory impairment. I am a nurse, and RN who works, or worked, on an inpatient psychiatric unit myself, and the potential risk of an error in the care of a patient due to my memory losses prohibits me from regaining this one very significant area of my life.

I pray nightly that it’s not permanent, and wonder what will become of me if it is. My experiences may or may not be similar to others who are receiving this valuable and effective treatment for trreatment resistant depression. This is one instance where I would be very happy to be one of a kind.