I have always believed in a higher power.  Not a god, but something… forces in the universe that play roles in our lives and give us the choices that we make.  They throw out the obstacles, the good luck and the bad.  While in times of despair I have heard people say that the ‘forces are working against’ them.  I believe this only in the nature of Karma, which in actuality we make ourselves and the ‘forces working against’ us are only doing what we have sent them to do.  I see these forces moving through my life, right here at this moment, bringing me despair and hardship and giving me choices that I do not want to make. 
    It all started with a positive pregnancy test.  I already have one son who is three and live in a house with four other children (five in all, three of them three and under).  I am twenty-six years old and live as a stay at home aunt – I own nothing and have accomplished nothing in the ways of the working world but failure, so my first instinct when I saw the positive test was to grit my teeth and scream.  I could not imagine bringing a baby into the world that I lived in, I could not imagine myself raising another child with the way my mental state has been, and I was so sick of babies and changing diapers that it was ridiculous.  I was furious. 
    With forces working as they do, they had brought me an unexpected gift.  For three years I had many reasons to believe that I was infertile.  There was an unexpected spike in my sex drive (those forces at work), and then out of nowhere a baby.  Knowing that made this baby special, made it meant to be, and I calmed my fears and swallowed my anger and was as happy as I could be.  Truth be told, I did not want a baby, but this was my special baby, my miracle baby, and I knew that it was given to me for a reason.  I knew that this baby was meant to be and that overrode everything that had made me angry.
    My pregnancy was not easy.  I did not ever feel well and was extremely cranky and upset a lot.  The psychiatrist took me off of my bi-polar and ADHD medicines which did not help.  I had headaches constantly and low sugar problems.  I did my best to stay in good spirits, stay healthy and positive, but my everyday stress with the kids was getting to me and I was being nasty to everyone in the house.  I was constantly thinking about how we were going to accomplish this – two adults, a toddler, and a baby in one basement room, a mother who is an emotional wreak, and very low income… I tried not to think about it but it was always there and I was so afraid of the life that my baby was coming into.  Knowing that it was meant to be calmed me some – I told myself that it would all work out because something had made this plan for us.
    A plan.  Forces at work, pulling my life in a direction that I did not want to go but would follow because I was meant to.  Knowing that this baby was meant for me opened my heart to it and made me love it, made me want it.  I was excited and happy even through my fears.  We picked out names and I got out all of my son’s old clothes and smiled as I remembered how sweet babies are.  I was becoming comfortable with the idea, loving the idea of this baby that was meant to be.
      The baby was meant to be, but not for the reasons I had thought.
    I was almost twelve weeks when I started bleeding.  The first day I took it easy and preyed to those forces not to take my baby – the second day I went to the hospital and saw that there was no heartbeat.  The third day I contracted and the fourth day I miscarried.  At first I did not understand and was angry, why?  Why would they give me this baby just to take it away?  Everything happens for a reason, so what is the reason for this?
    Realization began to set in that night.  The father had not been supportive through the miscarriage.  He never called from work to check on me the first night, and on the third and fourth days he was off of work and not only did he sleep until 1:00pm, but then he left town to do other things.  I miscarried alone, with three babies in the house.  I realized that I was alone.
    The forces had worked as they do and had unexpectedly given me a gift.  The gift of sight.  From this miscarriage I could see how indifferent the father had become, how disregarding.  I could now see the ways that he had been treating me and that we had some major problems in our relationship.  I could see the babies that were right in front of me, the ones that already loved and depended on me, and I realized how much I love them.  I could see that the reason behind the miscarriage was to show me the meaning of the life that I had been living.
    A higher power.  Not a god, but something… forces that are playing roles in my life and are giving me the choices that I have to make.  I have made the choice to accept the miscarriage as a gift that has shown me the truth of the life I had been living.  I was not happy.  The man of my dreams was no longer the man of my dreams.  I made the choice to no longer live that way.  I made the choice to voice my opinion and demand what I want out of the life that I live.  I made the choice to be stronger, and happier – to be satisfied.
    At the moment the father and I are separated, working out our issues.  This separation has opened me up to myself and made me want to make myself happy.  This is a reason.
    I look at the babies now and all I can feel is love.  I no longer try to avoid dealing with them and love spending time and playing with them again.  Once again I can give them all of myself.  This is a reason.
    I look in the mirror, and once again I see me.  Even today, I feel those forces at work, pushing me forward, making the paths that I must choose to follow, giving me more and more choices to make.  Because of these forces I am once again confident, once again strong, and knowing that I will be ready for the next unexpected gift.