Steve is out tonight. He goes out every Friday night with his mates, you know, just out with the boys.  To be honest, I don’t mind as it gives me some time to myself, once the boys are in bed that is.

Yet tonight I am feeling down. Tears have nearly come several times. I feel very lonely, like nobody cares. Of course, I know that people do care and this is what I tell myself when that swelling feeling builds up inside.

It’s been a rough week. I’ve held my head up high and tackled things head on.  Positivity is the name of the game when you have children with autism but what about once they go to bed?  All that smiling that makes your cheeks hurt, why can’t I just be happy, why do I have to have depression?

I feel like a burden even though I am the foundation of the family.  My hormonal imbalance has bought me to my knees as far as my health is concerned. Well, that is how it feels at the moment.  Rotten hormonal inplant not doing it’s job. 12 months is a long time to have it and it hasn’t done a darn thing – except made me regular. 

Why couldn’t Steve remember to take his house keys with him?  He knows I’m not well at the moment, at least I think he knows that I’m not well. Just because I don’t announce it from the top of the tallest mountain that I nearly died last year and that I still feel like I did when I had that miscarriage, doesn’t mean that I’m okay.

I have to get my ESP channel fixed!!  I know, wishful thinking, but wouldn’t it be nice to just once not have to worry about all the codswallop that goes with talking and just think things.  Nah, I would still stuff that up – my mind thinks too quickly =)

A police car has just come screaming down our street. Why does the sound of the siren make my skin crawl and my insides scream in agony? I thought I was over my phobia – this feels like something more horrible, feels more sensory.  As the sound gets louder, the horrible feeling gets stronger and stronger.  Phew! It has gone past and around the corner. I can’t hear it anymore.

I really wish he would hurry up, I feel dreadfully lonely and I really do feel like having a really big cry.

But then, there are times when a woman just has to have a cry – and this is one of those times.

Thank you for reading.. .. .. ..