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I have a brother who has two daughters; I have sons.  I don’t worry much.  My brother is always worried.  The reason is that his daughters seem to have to have a talent for choosing boys that are major losers.

I got sick of listening to him whine so I drafted a plan of attack for him to “screen” those young “hormone-clad” studs.  Whoever coined the phrase “All’s fair in love and war” wasn’t necessarily just talking about the couple.  Old dad was in there somewhere.

Before you do anything watch “Uncle Buck” with John Candy.  It will get you in the right mindset.

If you’re rich you have no problem.  If your daughter ever shows the beak of some crass kid when she gets home you simply have laid out on her bed five major credit cards and the keys to a new Jag.  It’s either the “stuff” or him.  With the stuff she can get a lot of right “hims.”  The deal is if she ever gets idiotic again the “stuff” gets repossessed.  She won’t.

If you are the father of a girl develop a twitch, “check-out stare” and if possible a lazy eye.  Further, when talking to a “date,” periodically dramatically “shudder.”  The idea is the guy never wants to be around you for any reason but particularly for doing something wrong.  “That guy’s crazy” is the mentality you want him to have.

Never remember the guys name in conjunction with resurrecting other (even made-up) guys.  The example I give is let us say your daughter’s new beau is named Tim.  Your words are “Oh, Jim.  That’s a good name.  Wasn’t that the name of that other guy you dated honey?  You know the one, Slim Jim.  Isn’t that the guy in prison who said he’d never give you up?”

If you don’t hunt or were never in the military, invest in some military medals and a helmet.  Also put an American flag and another type of flag on each side of your easy chair.  Additionally, if you can get the head of a bear for the wall, that would be a great.  The persona you’re portraying is a vicious person.  If you have a shotgun (or BB gun for that matter), as long as it is unloaded, leave it parked up against your chair.

The final approach although there are many, many more is one that my brother has found the most effective.

When the unsuspecting guy comes in rush over to him and put your arm around him and gush.  “We are so glad Sally finally got a “good boy, a sharp boy.  You’re just the boy we’ve been looking for to be in our daughter’s life.  “Son” I’ve got so much to talk to you about, so many plans to make.  How about dinner at the club tomorrow night?  Feel free to bring your folks and even kids you think might want to be in the wedding party.”

Usually you’ll be talking to yourself by that time as the poor kid runs for his life.

You have got to be smarter than “true love.”