The three year Anniversary of my attack has just passed. I have written a candid story of the events that led up to my rape and only a part of the aftermath. I hope my story serves as a stepping stone for other women to come forward and speak up about their own experience.
I suddenly smelled what could only be described as the bar at 7:30 in the morning.
I looked behind me and saw the same man staring at me. I slowly took my Ipod off my ears and he grabbed me.
He covered my mouth and told me that if I made a sound that he’d killed me. He dragged me behind one of the podiums on the platform and pushed me up against it.
I was numb and in my head I was screaming and yelling for help. But in reality all I let out was a mere whimper. He ripped open my blouse and exposed my bra.
He had one hand around my throat and the other he used to hike my skirt up and pull down my undergarments.
As the tears rolled down my face, all do was beg him to stop. But with every word I uttered, his grip on my necked tightened. In my head, I prayed that a train would come or that another person would venture their way down the stairs and save me.
Nothing.
He finished his business and pulled up his pants and told me that if I ever told anyone what happened, that he’d find me and kill me.
I stood there numb; only moving to use the platform as an anchor to slide down to the ground. Trains came and went. I was stared at and asked if I was ok. All I could do was stare at each person who approached me with water-filled eyes and no strength to speak.
A police officer approached me and asked me if I needed help. I could only mutter “Please don’t hurt me”. He asked me if I was comfortable coming with him. I slowly got up and walked with him out of the subway and to the nearest hospital.
We went through the “normal” routine for someone who has been attacked.
I remember being examined.
I remember being stared at by various people.
I was asked question after question and all I could say was. “I deserved it”. I deserved to be raped. The exact details of what was said to me are very foggy. I just remember staring and longing for a place that was recognizable.
I remember coming home finally and crawling into bed and replaying the whole night in my head over and over again.
How could I have been so stupid? How could a great night turn into such a disaster?
If only I listened to Jess. If only I had stayed home. If only I had waited longer for the cab.
If only….
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