Recently, my four year old son woke up in the middle of the night and announced he didn’t want to get old. It was 5 days before his birthday. Earlier the same day he was so excited he was turning 5, he couldn’t contain himself. My husband and I consoled and cajoled him until he was ready to return to bed. But it got me thinking. My birthday is the day after his and unlike my little boy, I have gotten older.

I started thinking of what it meant for him to get old. Aside from the physical transformation, the act of aging comes with many losses. As a therapist, I have worked with people on grief from the passing of loved ones or the demise of relationships but very few people talk about the things they no longer can experience or enjoy as they did in their youth.

These musings led me to think of the things I missed because I got old. I realized I missed the feeling I would get when I put on a new pair of shoes. As a child, I, like most kids, would feel kid I could run faster and jump higher. I would test them, like a good scientist, by running around the house then the yard. I felt like a superhero and would find myself boldly jumping off brick fences or challenging others to races. The feeling of invincibility was intoxicating. I somehow blame this magical thinking with my constant dissatisfaction with my footwear as an adult. And don’t even get me started on the shoes with lights that kids can get now. It’s totally unfair.

Another thing I miss from my childhood is how small the world was. When I was a preadolescent, I would walk to the store or take a short drive to anything I would need. Since I was chauffeured around by my parents or older sister, distance meant nothing to me. I could carry on other activities while they dealt with the horrendous Los Angeles traffic. My options were limited along with how many channels I could watch without having to play human antennae for the hard to get UHF stations. Nowadays, I drive my family everywhere and I maintain email and phone contact with friends across the country. Some of which I haven’t seen in years. I know and care about what is happening all over the world. The immensity of my reality feels limitless and quite scary sometimes.