I wish I Had Know

                But how could I have known, what lie ahead, even though that awful day in January when to the hospital we would go; would be the beginning of the end.  As I looked at my dad leaving the house that day, I thought, this may just be the last time he walked through that door as he left and locked up his home. I fought back the tears, and said a prayer; hoping what I had researched was either wrong, or my dad would be strong and pull through.
Is there truly any comfort?                We had done the test, the reports were in, I was riding on a prayer. Praying for a miracle, I wondered if he too knew the severity of his health, this God awful disease. Cancer, no matter where or when it hits a person in life; that horrible word it this word will always be a very scary word.

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                I guess I will never know if in fact he too knew what I knew. It was aggressive, and about 2 in 100,000 got this rare form of cancer, and none survived.  The doctors did there job, or did they. I did my job as his proxy or did I? I wonder every day, did they do the right thing by him, and did they know the chances of survival, of course I thought or was I wrong. Did they truly believe that he had a chance, and soon he would be well?

                Well, they were wrong, and I don’t know when they realized it, perhaps it was when after two weeks of uncertainty and they suggested he have a proxy, or was it a few days later when I told them that I understand that hospitals and medical treatments really means the practice of medicine; and told them learn what they can, but don’t practice too much on my father. If there was nothing they could do, tell me now I said.

                Well they were all wrong, and within just five days of entering the hospital, the dad I knew was slowly slipping away.  This was before the procedures, before the prayers, just 5 day after that awful day in January, I was losing my dad, my buddy. It started with flash back of being at War, and soon paranoia started to get the best of him, convinced they were trying to kill. I wonder maybe he was right, and I missed something; were they trying to kill him because all hope was lost?

                Then there came that day, they told me there was nothing else they could do, except to make him comfortable and drugs would do just that. The drug took him away from us much quicker than I wanted, yet  if it meant less suffering then that would be the path; they told me if he got strong enough, they would send him off to hospice. They comforted him and kept him drugged, since cancer so painful was taking my dad away.

                The week was long, and life goes on, but I would go and hold him close. I cried a lot and now I wonder did he feel my tears, did he know how much I loved him. That I was being selfish wanting him to stay?

                Yet everyday I cried, I let him know, Daddy it is alright to let go; I love you I would say and want you here, but the time is near and you must go. That day has come, and now is past and everyday I cry. I lost my buddy, and my friend; I lost my dad whom I love so very much.