I’m looking at myself. Face to face with the imperfections, the emotions, the thoughts and I realize that I’m not a good person. I might try to act like I am, I might help people, I might try to help the world but deep down where no one has ever reached,  I’m bad. I look at myself and know that I have addictions, that I am clingy, that I have given my soul up. I try to follow God but I end up walking away from him instead. I try to stay away from wrong decisions but I do them anyways.

When I get up and get out of this place I know that things will be different. Time doesn’t wait, it doesn’t wait for any man. So you have to get on with it… On with life. I can’t shake this little voice ringing in my head. I want to run away from myself. I don’t why I can’t get over all of this. I don’t know why I keep coming back to this place. I keep writing about it, keep thinking about. I’m dwelling on it. And it’s making me a bad person. Its consuming me. Why do I think so many bad things about myself? Is it me or is it the things the world and people are telling me?

People are aiming at me, making me the target. Or is that just me with the gun of bondage to my head? I think that I do this to myself because of habit. Not because I want to. I fill myself with questions about things rather than figure them out.

I have these questions being asked all the time:

1) Why do I keep giving everything my all and I still don’t succeed or end up getting hurt?

2) Why do I want to help people when they don’t help me?

3) Why do I constistently and constantly do bad things or make wrong choices?

4) Why am I not able to move on?

I know that I am a person who doesn’t like change and doesn’t like to leave the comfort of my box. But when I step out of my box, everything is usually good. For a while. Then things start to go downhill and then I have to look back and ask why the hell did I do that? I live for love and I don’t know if I have it anymore. Does anyone love me? I don’t know. No one has told me they do for a long time. Which makes me wonder do they care? People say they do but then how come I am left with loose ends and dangingling strings called a freindship? I hardly know who those people are or what they stand for or what they know about me or what they would do for me. Friends? Or accquaintces? If you know who I am, tell me. Tell me what you think I am, who I am.

GIVE IT UP FOR ME. I’m up and out. I’m not stopping. Things have changed. Walking dead. Half-life. I was dying on the inside. But then I died. But I was living. The bad died with one choice and thats to start walking. Walking on this path of life. Its going to be a journey and whoever wants to walk with me is more than welcome. This Company is gonna fuck misery over and we are going to be that example of what life should be for all those who are still dying on the inside. Get rid of the bad, make choices, no matter how hard, don’t give up. The voice inside will always say that there is going to be a better way.

I’m full of mixed emotions. Which might be why I don’t always make sense.

I’m trying to get a point across and that is: Life goes fast, people change, somethings never change, but you have to keep going. Make your life worth it.