When we are out he is nice to me.  Although when we do go out he totally dominates all conversation.  His friend are almost all from his late wife- who I get to hear about all the time.  I am sure she has sainthood already. When I start to say something most of the time he really dosen’t listen.  I have told him things multiply  times and finally he will listen and say you never told me that.  He has no empathy for me.  He does not care that I have lupus and his stressful verbal assaults are aggravated it to the point where I had a real bad flare,  I have not had one for 12 years, ever with all that was going on with my sons.  I want him to change and have spoken to him once about the verbal abuse and what it says about the abuser.  He “promised” he would not do that.  I feel like I have no trust with him.  One minute he says one thing and one the next.  I feel lost and hopeless, I don’t care if I would die right now.  I hate waking up most days because just when I start to feel normal he is liable to start in on me.  We don’t do anything I want because frankly I have always given in to what ever he wants because it is easier than being scared. If I asked for something, which I have never done, I KNOW it would be used against me so it is just easier to do without. He buys himself “little presents” all the time.  He will say look what I got you but it is never anything I want, it usually is something for both of us. 

My husband died 20 years ago this coming month. he wife passed almost 3 years ago.  I am not sure is he is mad at me because I am here and she is not but it sure feels that way.
 He is a total control freak with planning, scheduling. He promised me that I could go back and see my parents for Christmas and my son and new granddaughter, my sister. then this morning he tells me basically that is not going to happen.  I love my family and we are close.  I am so afraid that I will never see my parents again.  I don’t know what to do.  My parents are in their early 80’s.
 I am 55, with a few masters degrees, and my PhD (abd).  I have no desire to even live right now like this.  I am hoping for a miracle or death. Did I mention that I have no where to go and no money to help my sons or myself with.  I would appreciate some thoughts or help.
lost and hopeless