I used to be able to just say how I felt..what I felt. Without hesitation..in that open honest childlike vulnerable way. And I’ve realised just recently, tonight in fact, why I won’t..can’t..anymore. After so many years of me thinking it mattered..later for me to recognise it didnt (to the other party) in fact matter..that it would be better to keep my mouth shut and tight..lock the door tight (and for me that is a difficult stretch..but I manage. It isn’t better, really. Neither one makes much sense or feels any good in the end. My life-long question thus far has been passion vs. stability. I came to the conclusion two weeks ago that stability is all I want or need from here-on-out. In the past hour though..my leo-self had quite rapidly turned back to moderation is best, and I absolutely need both. But how? Where am I in this awkwardly life-changing, child-rearing, people I love dying, all alone from the start yet just figuring that out stage in my life? And where now is my worth determined? (certainly not from myself) When I was a child learning about appreciation, God’s was all that mattered. While growing up (before I understood what I needed) not having a stable house-hold or the father figure that I so longed for..a man’s worth became what I longed for..desperatley. And now, after much sought after disappointment (not in the literal sense) But after abuse and torture, lose and grieving.. I still come to the conclusion that all I want is my own little family (after much denial)..husband and kids, with little disfunction (compared to what is normal for me..that can’t be a hard bargain) filled with laughter and seemingly easy-ish challenges because the strength of the family would overcome any barrier easily. My “realist” desires would consist of being able to be on my own with my son and finacially support myself in a society accepting manner and still have a “life”. Not as happy-go-lucky dandy easy as it sounds..but hell..at this point it would be a vaca from my non-vaca life.

 But….it is a hard bargain. It’s a lottery to find what I’m searching for. Not for the lack of possiblilties..but the lack of time. Time isn’t what I’m fearing..for my own life. Take me tomorrow and I won’t complain. But if I’m to make the most of this life..for once…for ONCE..could positive things happen? At least in a realistic time? Could I be at peace without screaming for it? Perhaps I seem in a rush. Well yes..I am. I have been since the day I realised as I child that the people closest around me weren’t going to change (EVER) and that I was stuck until I can make the own life that I want for myself. It hasn’t gotten any easier in the past 22 1/2 years in my life on earth to make those changes that need to be made and quite frankly I’ve lost momentum and would rather beg for a way out than seek it on my own. Call me lazy, call me weak, call me sad and pathetic. It’s all true, I won’t deny..but we’ve never walked in each others shoes.