We were in the middle of a crisis, I was told to sit at the nursing station and wait for instructions, the senior staff were flying about and the curtains surrounding a patient were flapping as the frantic activity increased behind them, they flung open and sister came out she shouted an instruction and I ran, what did she shout?

“Quickly go next door for a long stand and make sure they give you one!”

I was sent to theatre and told to ask for a fallopian tube for the men’s ward

I was sent to pharmacy with a verbal order to get a prescription filled for the men’s ward standard stock cupboard, I was to get…penicillin, pens for diabetics and penisforaman

One day I was asked by a young man if I could help him get comfortable, he tried my patience all day, I ran errands for him constantly, his hands wandered where they shouldn’t and my buttocks received more than one pinch, it was sore by the end of the shift, eventually to my relief he recovered and went home. Two years later I was the senior nurse on duty and he was a re-admission. He was in the army and boasted continuously of how manly and brave he was, he remembered me from his previous visit, he teased and tormented about how timid I was. He was on permanent bed rest but not in any real danger, but he needed to use the bottle and bedpan. One of my junior members commented on how ‘handy’ he was, I told my team the next time he wanted a bedpan I wanted to know and to be the one to administer it,  to my delight the time came.

This was in the seventies when bedpans were stainless steel, they were usually warmed before we issued them to the appropriate part of the body, this day I left it cold, I also used a lubricant jelly, sugar and cornflakes, I coated it well. The staff and I slipped it unnoticed under his rear end, as he slipped so it scratched, he squealed and I told him that now he knew how our rear ends felt and if he didn’t stop his unwanted antics all bedpans would be issued in this manner. Our dignity was saved that very night and his bedpans were warm and non slip from then on.

One of the important things before a patient goes to theatre is too check false teeth and limbs are removed, I did all my checks and then the old lady rummaged about and handed me a false eye, I didn’t know where to look!