Life has never been very predictable for me.  For that matter, is it ever really for anyone?  Why should I expect that to change now?  The roads that I have chosen to get me where I am now,are forever emblazoned, never to be tread again… every decision is thus of utmost importance, whether it be choosing to start up a conversation with a stranger, starting a new project, engaging in risky behaviors, or taking very specific steps to achieve a lifelong goal.  This may feel new to me now, and a bit frightening, but I know that this is the way it is supposed to be, just one more piece moved on the chessboard of life.  I still can’t help but wonder: is there some point to what I’ve been doing –a larger framework that will slowly show itself to me in time– or am I destined to move in the same orbits as the planets I was created from?  Isn’t blazing a new trail, using the same compass and guidepoints, just going to lead to the same dismal place where others have tread, confounding and disorienting this wanderer?  The only way to ensure new ground is covered, and we are not searching in vain, is if changes are made, and the person creates  their own map and journey.

   Of course, I could always map out my own course, and go it all my own way from here on out, except for the obvious help from J…but wouldn’t it be so much more convenient to sit and rot in my own solace, brooding over how things have been, and how they could have been? Alas, this would be a lonely existence, and one not suited to my temperament; I’m far too emotional and caring for all of that, to let it all fall to the wayside.  Maybe I need a bit ofhelp, a push from the usual f*tards who we call “medical or psychological professionals”?  They do have their credentials behind them, and I have gone to more OB/GYN’s in the pastfew months than I can count, not to mention several psychologists/social workers since 5th grade.  The only thing that’s really got me tied up over this decision, is whether seeking out that kind of help is a weakness, or if doing nothing to clear out the mental fog actually hurts me more.

   And then there’s the matter of forgiveness — how long after getting away from your past, can you begin to reconcile yourself with the elements and details, and actually come to some understandings about your (and others’) role in it?  A child can learn, and can grow after making their mistakes, but the environment they’re in must shape them so much, that they can’t separate the situation as a whole, from who they are and what they could be. 

This is the problem that I’ve bumped up against; I can make something positive come out of this, if I can either learn to leave behind the ghost of my shadow that’s been preying on me all these years, or confront realities in front of me, while pushing all of that aside.  My growth, and that of my family’s, all depends on me doing so.  Just as I’ve always said:  The past is history, the present is a gift, and tomorrow is never promised, so what are you doing NOW?!