Dear Ms Know it All, I have been watching the trailer for Nicolas Cage’s new movie 2012 on TV.  They seem to be fleeing to an airport and taking off just as the world ends.  It makes me wonder. . . where do they think they are going to land?  Signed, Mystified

Dear Mystified, Ms Know It All would tell you but that would ruin the sequel and she is not a spoiler.

Dear Ms Know it All, I got a letter from my bank informing that interest rates on my mortgage payment is increasing by about a million percent. Can I make a case against them for ursury? Signed, Mr. Baer

Dear Mr. Baer, In Ms Know It All’s opinion if your mortgage is on a home where you live with Momma Baer and Baby Baer, you probably have a strong case of ursury (Cruelty to bears) against your bank…especially if your banker is a little golden haired tart.  You also ought to look into charging them with usury, the practice of lending money at an exorbitant interest.

Dear Ms Know It All, Last night I set three mousetraps with cheese. The one on the counter was ignored; the one on my worktable was surrounded by tiny turds but unmolested cheese. The one in the linen drawer was still set but the cheese was gone and there were tiny black bits all around it. My son looked it over and hollered, “Hey Mom, there is a note from the mice. It says, “What do you think we are, stupid?” What do you make of this? Signed, Kansas Mom

Dear Mom, Ms Know It All thinks you have a remarkably gifted son. Not only can he read mouse but also his eyesight is good enough to make out that tiny script. Your mice are pretty clever too. Perhaps you should contact your nearest NIMN facility. Thank goodness CA breeds stupid mice…Ms Know It All thinks they are all shipped in from Sacramento.

Dear Ms Know it All, Can you please explain the “Big Bang” Theory to me so I can write my five hundred word essay that is due tomorrow? I realize you are blond but even you can probably come up with enough stuff that I can pad out to take in my dumb professor who is as old and dim as you. Signed, Kollege Kid

Dear Kid, Ms Know It All will be glad to help you in her simple manner. Here you go…in the beginning there was nothing…and it exploded.

Dear Ms Know it All, Has Thanksgiving become nothing more than a corporate celebration of the start of the shopping season? Signed, Disenchanted Dear Dis, in many ways, yes, it has turned into a corporate holiday. Ms Know it All can’t turn on the TV today without being bombarded with sale commercials for Black Friday. It’s insane. Personally, she tries to ignore all that for a few minutes and give thanks on Thanksgiving for everything that she has been blessed with…the Macy’s Day Parade, football games, turkey, sugar cookies, and pies…not to mention Black Friday! Dear Ms Know it All, Sometimes you make people angry by making fun of them in your column. Doesn’t this worry you or do you believe in the maxim “The pen is mightier than the sword”? Signed Angry ReaderDear Reader, Ms Know it All does, indeed, believe that the pen is mightier than the sword, but only if, in the words of my favorite author Terry Pratchett, “ the sword is very short, and the pen is very sharp.” Even a short pen can be used, however, to sign a restraining order.   You should be receiving yours soon.

Dear Ms Know it All, I am a high school graduate who is passionate about the mechanics of atoms, molecules, and other physical systems that are subject to the uncertainty principle and yet I want to make a lot of money in my field. Would you suggest I take quantum mechanics in college? Signed, Physics Major

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Dear Major, If quantums need repairing as often as Ms Know it All’s car, she doesn’t know any reason why you can’t get rich as a quantum mechanic. Ms Know It All does suggest, however, that you keep your passions at home and not in the shop. Sex has no place in your professional life.