3 to 5 pm (somewhere lost in time last month)

Today turned out to be beautiful, and they said it was going to rain. I’ve long since given up on watching the weather. they’re hardly ever right when it comes to rain. If they could actually get in contact with Eyore theyd probably have a better chance at getting it right. That damn donkey always knew.

I’m sitting here freezing drinking my cold coffee and smoking my cherry flavord little cigars, and all of a sudden through a beginning cloudly sky, the sun came shining through, hitting me just right, and for a moment I felt okay. Sometimes I like to think it’s my father, and that, being a way of letting me know he’s here and thing will get better.

If I could live in that moment of finally being able to breath and let go Id think i could find the strength and push myself to try harder, push myself a little further, becasue i’ve come to the conclusion I’m exhausted of always worrying about the worst of any situation that happpens to be pulling at my brain at the moment. All I know is it’s completely stretched out and wearing thin.

There’s so many questions that float through my head and since I can’t figure out any answers, I push it to the back of my brain then all of a sudden they’re all jumping at my mind and it gets too much to handle. I dont think I’ll ever know the answers, but I’ll still wear myself out trying to find them.

“Say what you need to say..” is repeating over and over again on the radio and I think it just became my favorite song, because it’s true. I think I’d feel better if I could just say what I need to say. Even though I’m caught in the web of it not doing any good, so, I dont bother and it simmers in the frying pan of my me till I can smell it burning.

Now the clouds are coming and it’s getting gloomy and I’m freezing. I feel like one more cigar, finish up my cold coffee and covering up in my blanket and sleeping, maybe give my mind a little deserved break, cause I need it.