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JUMP NOW!

I launched myself out of the side of the chartered flying bucket of bolts and dove head first towards the ground far below me. I accelerated rapidly towards the jungle but was still frustrated by terminal velocity; every second I spent in the air was a second of time more that exposed me to detection. This was a primitive and untamed part of the world and outsiders were not normally welcomed with open arms – more like they welcomed you by opening your chest with an axe. With adrenalin coursing through my veins the altimeter on my wrist began alerting me that it is was time to pull the chute. I delayed the pull, shooting ever closer to the jungle. The altimeter was shrieking at me to stop my madness – I was below minimum safe level. I waited another five seconds and pulled the chute. It deployed behind me and filled with air just moments before I crashed through the jungle canopy. My body smashed into tree branches and foliage which helped slow my descent. My parachute however quickly became snagged and I was jerked violently to a stop. I was slung shot into the trunk of a massive tree and knocked unconscious.

I awoke to the sound of drums and chanting. I was naked and tied by my hands and feet – suspended between two poles. The pain was excruciating. I looked around me and through my tears realised I had been captured by a tribe of Tarzans. Incredulously they spoke pigeon English and I was able to understand their fiendish intentions for me. Apparently this tribe had been stricken impotent due to pollution of their water source by a foreign mining interest. They could no longer service the neighbouring tribe of Janes, and the Janes had reverted to taco feasting. The Tarzans believed that my lily white man worm, sautéed with the blood of anaconda and venom of cobra would restore their virility. I was beyond mortified – how dare the mining company come here and destroy their water source – typical capitalist greed – freaking western pigs.

I was somewhat attached to my man worm though and if my quest were successful I was going to need it for myself. Luckily I had come prepared and before my journey had the nail of my big toe replaced with a stainless steel version. The Tarzans had not been prepared for a fat western pig like me and I had caused the two poles to tilt towards each other resulting in less than the required tension to keep me immobile. This allowed me enough leverage to position my toe to cut the ropes that bound me, and I dropped to the ground. The Tarzans heard the thud of my landing and were alerted to my escape. They all came bounding towards me with panic in their eyes – they were going to lose their love worm. I turned and ran as fast as I could dashing madly through bush and thorn. I could hear the Tarzans close behind and spears began to swish past my ears. Just as I thought all was lost and I would be recaptured I ran clear off the edge of a cliff and went tumbling hundreds of meters into a massive river below.