My response to the unofficial Triond Forum Writing Challenge – Round 6, in which something is to be written using LEAF and SILENT TONGUE.

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I launched myself out of the side of the chartered flying bucket of bolts and dove head first towards the ground far below me. I accelerated rapidly towards the jungle but was still frustrated by terminal velocity; every second I spent in the air was a second of time more that exposed me to detection. This was a primitive and untamed part of the world and outsiders were not normally welcomed with open arms – more like they welcomed you by opening your chest with an axe. With adrenalin coursing through my veins the altimeter on my wrist began alerting me that it is was time to pull the chute. I delayed the pull, shooting ever closer to the jungle. The altimeter was shrieking at me to stop my madness – I was below minimum safe level. I waited another five seconds and pulled the chute. It deployed behind me and filled with air just moments before I crashed through the jungle canopy. My body smashed into tree branches and foliage which helped slow my descent. My parachute however quickly became snagged and I was jerked violently to a stop. I was slung shot into the trunk of a massive tree and knocked unconscious.

I awoke to the sound of drums and chanting. I was naked and tied by my hands and feet – suspended between two poles. The pain was excruciating. I looked around me and through my tears realised I had been captured by a tribe of Tarzans. Incredulously they spoke pigeon English and I was able to understand their fiendish intentions for me. Apparently this tribe had been stricken impotent due to pollution of their water source by a foreign mining interest. They could no longer service the neighbouring tribe of Janes, and the Janes had reverted to taco feasting. The Tarzans believed that my lily white man worm, sautéed with the blood of anaconda and venom of cobra would restore their virility. I was beyond mortified – how dare the mining company come here and destroy their water source – typical capitalist greed – freaking western pigs.

I was somewhat attached to my man worm though and if my quest were successful I was going to need it for myself. Luckily I had come prepared and before my journey had the nail of my big toe replaced with a stainless steel version. The Tarzans had not been prepared for a fat western pig like me and I had caused the two poles to tilt towards each other resulting in less than the required tension to keep me immobile. This allowed me enough leverage to position my toe to cut the ropes that bound me, and I dropped to the ground. The Tarzans heard the thud of my landing and were alerted to my escape. They all came bounding towards me with panic in their eyes – they were going to lose their love worm. I turned and ran as fast as I could dashing madly through bush and thorn. I could hear the Tarzans close behind and spears began to swish past my ears. Just as I thought all was lost and I would be recaptured I ran clear off the edge of a cliff and went tumbling hundreds of meters into a massive river below.

Liked it
  • Katie Marie on Jul 15, 2009

    Duff, what can I say. There are no words. I’d say I have a silent tongue but you’ve totally perverted that phrase for me.

  • Deep Blue on Jul 15, 2009

    A really long story but well written. Duff’s way of writing always stands out from the rest.

  • kate smedley on Jul 15, 2009

    Well what can I say Licking God Duff, you’ve done it again ….I’ll never know where you get them from!

  • bwellman on Jul 15, 2009

    Wow, they weren’t lying- you really can please women – at least you’ve pleased this one. I laughed throughout the entire piece and am a much wiser person for having read it. Thank you o great one (oops I guess I should have used caps but I’m too lazy.)

  • Johanny Lisbeth on Jul 16, 2009

    wow!! you’re writing does stand out. love it!!

  • STEVE666 on Jul 16, 2009

    Apart from being totally mad and very funny, you are a bloody great writer, Duff.

  • clay hurtubise on Jul 17, 2009

    Great piece!

  • Ruby Hawk on Jul 17, 2009

    Duff, I get a good belly laugh from your articles. There are just no words to describe your style but its a cool fresh breeze to my mundane mind.

  • RS Wing on Jul 18, 2009

    You crazy, crazy man. I wholeheartedly agree with Ruby, and your tales are a great source of amusement to me. You have a very Hunter S. Thompson tone, but a very unique style of brandishing your humor and embrace these challenges with great vigor. I often re-visit your literary works and still find something else to laugh about within the piece. Very original and drop dead hilarious. I will re-visit this piece often. Thank you very much for the amusement and wish you well.

  • BradONeill on Jul 19, 2009

    Ha Duffster that was pure genius! again the mystical Gods of Triond that decide the fate of all of us have allowed a true gem to pass! Maybe they laid off the church ladies and are going to allow great fiction to flow once again!

  • David Crerand on Jul 19, 2009

    very funny and spellbinding at the same time. Good stuff, Duff.

  • HelloSiti on Jul 20, 2009

    How if that word “pig” becoming “koala”, that probably will be nicer?

  • cafftee on Jul 20, 2009

    Well done Duff, that was very entertaining!

  • littlemama76 on Jul 20, 2009

    hi great read i loved it

  • oldster on Jul 20, 2009

    Great storyline and a very snappy pace.

  • Darla Beck on Jul 20, 2009

    Wow! This is a great story!

  • Alistair Briggs on Jul 20, 2009

    Very high standard of writing as usual :)

  • Mark Gordon Brown on Jul 21, 2009

    heck of a tale man, this is my first time in the Challenge and it was great.

  • Brenda Nelson on Jul 21, 2009

    Well that was entirely different and unexpected.

  • Butterfly Musings on Jul 21, 2009

    another bit of genius writing from you, excellent

  • Morgana on Jul 22, 2009

    Your imagination is absurd and insanely good :) I enjoyed this story very much. By the way, you’re nasty!!1 :P

  • Mikayla on Jul 29, 2009

    Indiana your heart out!!. The Licking God Duff D Onkalarkarage aka Gene Simmons..hehehehahaha..this was the ultimate in perilous jungle adventures and hostile natives story..this is arguably one of your best mate.

  • S A JOHNSON on Jul 31, 2009

    LMAO! Wow…

  • Mila Marcos on Dec 17, 2009

    :-) No wonder Onkalarkarage is your bestest mythological character LMAO! He’s now mine!!

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