There is so much angry darkness inside of my head. Inside of my chest. I fear myself when I allow myself to dwell in that place. I fear the racing thoughts, the persuasive talking in my head. I fear the actions that follow. Sometimes I become so narcissistic and I watch people…strangers, the people I know and I wonder…”God, it must suck to be them…”

But I’m only lying to myself.  It hurts to think the way I do.

It hurts to think the way I do.  To dream the images in my head. I’ve killed in my dreams. People i know, strangers, the people I love. I love them, but they look down on me, on my habits.  They look at me with disapproval and disappointment. with unease. with pity. “Poor thing…it must suck to be her.” But they don’t wonder, they say it to each other, out loud when they think I’m not around to hear them…but I hear them. their words echo in my head and I can hardly get away from the words to breathe in deep enough to exhale and not want to die…”poor thing”  … poor thing ..poor thing…POOR THING! 

I KNOW! 

I’m such a sad, pathetic, poor, little thing and no one can help me because I can’t help myself! Because I don’t care enough about myself to get outta bed in the mornings…to shower… to brush my hair. I lay in bed ALL DAY. I dread getting outta my room to have to deal with the real world, with the people in it…strangers, people I know, the ones I love. To deal with their looks of disapproval and disappointment…With all of the unease, and the pity.

I can’t cope with any of it; with anything, really…

-Homework.
-Chores.
-Feeding my fish.
-Taking my pills.
-Keeping my room clean.
-Waking up.
-Going to sleep.

I figure if i could handle taking my pills, slowly, and one proper dose at a time, I might be able to get a grip on reality and handle the rest, slowly….and maybe then the dreams would stop, and the thoughts would slow down, and I would be able to say “No.” to the talking in my head and that would stop the regret and remorse that I get from allowing myself to enjoy all my angry darkness, because the truth is that I do enjoy it… in a sad, pathetic sort of way…

And I guess I’m trying to figure out why…