So, I suppose it could be said that part of the current difficulty between my side of the family and myself are because I’m forcing a change to the status quo. It’s not easy and at times I wish I could go back to the place where things seemed easier. Knowing more about yourself, however, forces you to look at things from a different perspective. It’s so hard to keep in mind that what I’m doing is healthier then what I was doing.

     When I was a kid, I acquiesced to alot of the psychological garbage that I had to deal with. I did so because I thought that it was normal, I hoped it would make things easier between my relatives and myself, and because I didn’t really understand what was happening to me. Now, I’m an adult and I have my mother making blatant attempts to force me into approaching things from her perspective. As a child, I went along either because I genuinely thought it would please her or because I was going to do it to spite her.

     Somewhere over the last ten to fifteen years, I realized that nothing I did was going to really matter. I’d always be criticized because I wasn’t doing something right in her view. She’d always do her best to bully me into doing things her way or what she believed was in my best interests because it was what worked when I was a kid. Now, I can’t sit here and say that I should acquiesce. I’m not a child dependent upon my parents for the basic necessities of life. I’m not a young woman at college, depending upon my parents to help fund my education. My mother is realizing that she doesn’t exactly have any strings to pull on now, except for some old emotional bonds.

     I don’t think she understands how worn those bonds are or how deeply I’ve been hurt by her abuse of those ties. The ties of kinship and blood are not something that grants a relative the right to make unreasonable demands of you. I have no word for how insulted I am when she tells me that I’m failing my brother and my obligations of family loyalty by maintaining my friendship with the woman who is divorcing him. This is the same brother who told me that I made up everything about N- raping and abusing me. This is the same brother who actively maintained a friendship with N- and was angry with me because N- wasn’t allowed to come around to my parents house after I broke up with him.